The Journal

Morgan and Garcia

Part Two

Derek Morgan walked down the hall at the BAU, go bag slung over his shoulder, with a scowl on his lips. He hadn't found much reason to smile for months now- ever since Penelope Garcia had been taken away by Homeland Security.

It had taken a few days before he had even learned, for certain, that she was not the target of an investigation but instead she was helping HS to track down hackers who were getting into government databases. Garcia was the best and if she couldn't find these hackers then they couldn't be found.

He had hoped she would come back to the team quickly but the days had turned to weeks and weeks to months. His mood sunk with every passing moment till now he was grouchy more often than not, and felt worn down all the time. He slept roughly, when he managed to sleep at all, and had no enthusiasm for life in general.

The little things got on his nerves more than ever.

He couldn't be happy for JJ- who had gotten engaged recently and was quickly planning a wedding- or for Reid, who was finally seeing someone. Nor could he manage any excitement over the fact that his mother and nephews had come for a visit over the summer or that the team had been nationally recognized for their work on a high profile case.

All he wanted was to have his best friend back home. She couldn't enjoy being holed up somewhere working day and night for Homeland Security- away from her friends and her boyfriend, freaking Lynch. Derek had mixed feelings about that guy but, in all honestly, it wasn't really about Lynch and his sloppy clothes, greasy diet, childish hobbies and jealous streak, Derek just hated the fact that Penelope ever fell for anyone who wasn't him.

It had taken years to admit to himself how deep his feelings for her went but he had started to do it in the summer of 2007. Now it was five years later and he hadn't ever really made her believe how much he cared for her. They were good buddies and he treasured that but she didn't get that his heart was filled with her, every inch of him was filled with aching need for her.

He was a man of secrets so he kept that to himself, since she had a boyfriend for the last four and half years.

Though Derek might not be able to have Penelope the way he wanted to have her he still longed to have her home here with him and the rest of the team. He knew she had to be lonely, sad and missing them all wherever she was.

He hated that he couldn't fix this for her. When the Homeland Security agents had dragged her away Derek had swore "I'm gonna get to the bottom of all this and get you back where you belong. That is a promise, baby girl," but he hadn't been able to keep his word to her.

There was nothing he could do to bring her back to them...to him. All he could do was sit around and wait this out. Being helpless this way nearly drove him nuts.

If not for his journal, which he wrote in as if writing letters to her, he would have surely lost his job for snapping on one too many people. Often he poured his heart into his journal as a way to release his pent up frustrations and fears. Since he was writing it as if he was speaking directly to Penelope, it helped to make him feel closer to her in a very small way. It might not be much but it was all he had till she came home again.

Derek noticed a light on in his office. Raising an eyebrow, he moved to his slightly ajar door and pushed it all the way open, gasping softly when he found Penelope sitting behind his desk, typing on a keyboard as she looked at a computer screen.

He dropped his bag off his shoulder, a wide grin curving his lips, his heart coming back to life. His words rumbled out from deep in his chest when he spoke "Woman, you are a sight for sore eyes."

She jumped, surprised he was there, and turned her attention to him, with a hand over her heart. "Mon cher, j'ai manque vous."

Slowly he walked toward her, amazed at the sight of her being there. Somehow she looked even more gorgeous to him now. Opening his arms, he ordered "Get your behind over here right now."

She rushed into his embrace.

Once he had her back in his arms, he let out a relieved sigh. Life made some sort of sense again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

One month later

My love, I have missed you, were the first words Penelope had said to Derek after months apart and they were some of the truest words ever spoken between them. Yet they also still

left so much unsaid. She had missed Derek in a way much more profoundly than she had missed JJ, any of her other close friends, or even Kevin, her long term boyfriend.

Usually Penelope could keep herself busy with her life so much so that she could manage to not think too often or too hard about her feelings for Derek. Because when she did it only made her heart hurt. There was a time when she had wanted so much to be his one and only love but she had matured, snapped out of her fantasy and realized that he was very happy with their flirty friendship as is and didn't want more from them.

He slept with other women- never her- and that said all she needed to know.

Later...when he tried to put moves on her...she was too burned to believe he really wanted her and had ran away from him, over and over in different ways, out of fear. Ran straight to Kevin, to something safer and saner and much less risky.

She had fallen for Kevin, loved Kevin deeply at one time.

But over the last few months she had come to realize that she had never stopped loving Derek and it wasn't something she could deny anymore.

That first day she had been back he had cupped one cheek in his hand and stared down into her eyes for a very long minute, giving her a look filled with happiness and love. It was such an intimate moment that her heart had leapt to her throat. It almost seemed as if he was seeing her through new eyes that day but then he had stepped back and said "We should go tell everyone our favorite tech Goddess is back."

"Sure, Hot Stuff."

And the moment had passed. Now it was over a month later. Being home was wonderful but hard at the same time. There had been a strain between her and Kevin ever since she came back. Penelope knew he wanted things to go back to how they were before...it was only normal for him to expect them to hole up in bed for a marathon sex session to celebrate her return but she just couldn't do it.

Even if she wasn't going to be with Derek, she couldn't be with Kevin either. It broke her heart and scared the hell out of her to face a future without romantic love...to give up on all those years building something with Kevin...but she didn't want him to touch her anymore. It just felt wrong now.

She was seriously screwed up inside. Homeland Security had come in, shook up her life and left it in shambles, just because she had awesome hacking skills. For once she wished that she wasn't the best of the best so that she hadn't been picked to track down Anonymous. Now her life was a total mess.

When she was away she had been lonely. Now that she broke up with Kevin, would she be lonely for all the rest of her life?

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"What, kid?" Derek asked Reid, as Reid gave him a knowing look, right after they had agreed to go to the movies.

"Aren't you gonna call Garcia and see if she wants to join us?"

"She's probably busy with Lynch." Derek grunted, as he often did after saying that guy's name. At least when he wasn't around Penelope. When he was near her Derek would not dare let it show that Lynch bothered him in the slightest.

"Oh. Is tonight when he's moving his things out?"

"Say what? They broke up?"

Reid froze. "Huh?"

"Don't play dumb with me. Did they break up?"

Reid looked all around the bullpen, as if he hoped someone would come and rescue him from this conversation. "Um, I don't know. How would I know? If it's not in a book then I'm lost about it." He shrugged one shoulder.

Derek rubbed his chin, mulling it over. "You're not messing with me, are you? Cause I will slap you silly."

"All I know is what I overheard her and Emily talking about...that Garcia told Kevin to come get his things and she wasn't sure if she could handle this but she had to do it."

Derek nodded, getting a far away look in his eye.

Reid added "You should go see if she wants to talk about it."

"If she wanted to talk about it, we'd be talking about it. You gonna be ready to head out in thirty?"

"We're still going?"

"Why wouldn't we be?" Derek headed off to his office. Once he was alone he took the journal out and started to write in it. It was the one place where he could pour out every thought, fear and feeling...as if speaking directly to Penelope.

The journal kept him sane in moments when he couldn't say all he wanted to his girl.