Chapter 23

Kirk had lost all track of time. He knew there had been another branding, so they were somewhere in the second month, and mindsifter time could be imminent. But he hardly thought about it; he was exhausted all the time. It seemed as if he spent two or three times as much time with Koh as with Konti, but he didn't try to keep track. Nor did he notice how many times Koh had been to Konti's house. He was too tired, and it didn't matter anyway. Kirk would maintain cooperation whether or not Koh kept his side of the bargain.

Konti took to planning evenings of doing rather than talking. One night they were playing cards and Kirk was falling asleep. Every few minutes, he would slap his face, or stand up and do a few jumping jacks. Finally Konti couldn't stand it any more.

"Kirk, this is ridiculous! Why don't you just rest? I'll tell you when it's time to go."

"No sleep. Only Koh decides when I can sleep."

"But you have no idea what cards you just played!"

"I don't care who wins; just play." Kirk gestured irritably at the cards. "Please, Konti."

"No. You are a very stubborn man, Kirk."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"All right, you want to stay awake. I will undoubtedly regret this, but I'm going to help you stay awake. Come with me."

He rose and went to the back room. Kirk stumbled after him, thinking he knew what Konti intended. The most frequently used item stored in that room was the whip.

"Even that's not going to keep me awake tonight, but you're welcome to try."

"Oh, what I have in mind will keep you awake all right. Absolutely guaranteed. I've been planning it for some time; just didn't know when to spring it on you. And you're not going to like this, so how desperate are you?"

"I'm to the point that I'm going to sleep through whatever Koh has planned for the night, but I would like to walk there, not have to be carried because I'm already asleep. So yes, I'm pretty desperate."

If Kirk's brain hadn't been so foggy, he might have seen it coming. As it was, he was completely shocked. Konti began shedding clothes as he talked.

"I have been trying to understand what makes you tick. How you do the things you do, and why. It came to me suddenly that if I would understand you, I must do the things you do. So-"

He was now completely undressed. Reaching for the whip, he brought it to Kirk.

"You will take this whip and give me forty lashes."

Kirk was instantly wide awake.

"No!" He gulped. "I can't."

Kirk was visibly shaking, and Konti didn't think it was an act. He hated to do this when Kirk was already exhausted, but he was committed now. He knew he couldn't force Kirk, but if he did it right, Kirk would force himself. He made his voice drip with contempt.

"Can't? or won't?"

"Can't. I've never used a whip in my life."

Konti laughed. "Finesse takes practice, but the basic skill is easy. This is the handle. Here, take it."

But Kirk wouldn't. He looked bleakly into Konti's eyes.

"The truth is I'm appalled at the idea of hurting you. Konti, please don't make me do this, I beg you."

The look in Kirk's eyes almost made Konti give in. But no, Kirk would not have given in, so Konti wouldn't either.

"Now you know how I feel every time you get me into one of those situations where I have to treat you like a disobedient slave. So you will do this. I am your master, and you will do as you're told, because you are an obedient slave. Forty lashes, non-stop, regardless of whether I can hide pain as well as you can. Now, take this!"

He again held the whip handle out to Kirk. Slowly Kirk took the whip, clearly still very loathe to do so. But Konti could read in Kirk's eyes that he had won. Kirk would do it, hating every minute, but doing it nonetheless.

Konti backed into the center of the room and waited for Kirk. He wondered what the lash would feel like. He also wondered whether he could hold himself completely still the way Kirk did. But mostly he watched Kirk and wondered what he felt.

Kirk forced himself not to feel anything. If he was going to accomplish this, he would have to concentrate on doing, not feeling. He flicked the lash a few times, testing the feel and the reach. Then he walked around behind Konti, who, he noted in passing, was standing much too rigidly.

Kirk gauged his trajectory and distance and let fly with the first lash. Konti gasped. A thin line appeared on his back. Kirk delivered the second lash. No gasp, but a definite flinching. The second angry welt on the back. This is going to be absolutely awful, thought Kirk. Forcing himself to ignore the reactions, Kirk stepped up the pace, with an eye towards getting it over with as quickly as possible.

Konti fell to his knees on the twenty-fifth stroke, which was longer than Kirk had thought he would last. He paused only long enough to adjust his direction, then continued to press through to completion. By the time he reached forty strokes, Konti was flat on the floor, with clenched fists pounding the floor above his head.

Kirk threw the whip into a corner and stared down at Konti's raw backside. Pink blood had obscured many of the actual lash marks, but his entire backside was a criss-cross of angry welts. Kirk did not have to imagine what it felt like, but this was the first time he had seen what it looked like. No wonder Konti hated this. He had had no idea.

He sat on the floor and waited for Konti to recover. As he waited, reaction set in, and he began to shake uncontrollably. His mind relived the entire sequence three times before Konti stirred.

Konti slowly and painfully got to his knees, realized Kirk was sitting next to him, and gingerly sat facing Kirk.

"Thank you."

Kirk was deeply moved. Tears streaming down his face, he looked at Konti.

"I hope you never, ever, force me to do that again."

"Kirk, do you remember what I said to you when we first began this master-slave business? The only one who has mastery over you is you. I didn't force you to do this; you did."

Kirk didn't deny it. "Yes, well, whatever. Never again."

"Why not? You endure this day in and day out, and apparently think nothing of it."

"That's different."

"Why?"

"Because I'm used to it, and you're not."

"That could be fixed."

"Oh, no, you're not getting me to agree to that - absolutely not!"

Kirk was so adamant that Konti didn't press it, at least not then.

Later, when Kirk arrived at Koh's lab, he reported that he was running on adrenalin, but when it wore off, he would crash hard. Then he asked an odd question.

"Koh, do Klingons have more nerve endings in the skin than humans, or fewer?"

"Depends which part of the skin, but generally fewer. Why? Did Konti make you do what he's been threatening?"

"I didn't know he'd been threatening, but right now, his backside is pretty sore. You might check on him later tonight if you get a chance."

"You want to tell me about it?"

So Kirk did, with complete transparency.

"Now that you've found something I really don't want to do, I suppose you'll badger me with it constantly."

"I won't have to. Konti will do it for me."

Sure enough, every night for days, Konti managed to bring up the subject in one way or another. Kirk refused to discuss it. As soon as he recognized the drift of Konti's remarks, he cut him off with an 'absolutely not' or 'out of the question' or 'I'm not even going to discuss it.' Konti was hurt and frustrated, but persistent. By the fifth day, Kirk realized that it was negatively affecting their entire relationship. That night in his walk to the lab, he had it out with the Lord, repented of his bad attitude, and resolved to make it right with Konti. He prayed for grace and strength to face and endure what he did not want to do.

The next evening, he approached Konti as soon as they arrived at home.

"Konti, may I talk with you before the evening activity?"

"Of course. Sit down."

They sat as was their custom, Kirk on the floor and Konti in the chair.

"Konti, I owe you an apology for my behavior and bad attitude this week. I have hurt you emotionally and damaged our relationship by refusing to consider what you would like for me to do. I ask your forgiveness, and if you are willing, I'd like to repair the damage."

"What is forgiveness? Does this mean you've changed your mind?"

"For starters, I'll stop refusing to discuss it. Forgiveness is laying aside the hurt and refusing to let it interfere with our relationship in the future."

"I can't say as I understand that, but if you've changed your mind, I think that's wonderful. He said you would if I kept asking. How did he know?"

"Who, Koh? He probably didn't. He's just using you to torture me."

"Koh wouldn't do that!"

"He wouldn't? Opinions differ. But don't hold it against him. He can't resist the opportunity to exploit something I really don't want to do."

"But how does he know?" Konti asked curiously.

"I told him."

"You told him?"

"Sure. I tell him almost everything. It's part of the deal. He knows me inside and out. Anyway, tell me again, what is it you want me to do?"

"I want you to teach me how you deal with pain."

"All right. When?"

"You mean it? You really will? Now? I didn't think you would ever go there again. You said, 'never again' and you meant it. I believed you."

"I should learn not to say 'never'. Yes, I really will do this. Now, if you like."

"Yes, now, please."

They rose and went into the back room.

"First you must understand this isn't something you can learn in one day. There is knowledge, yes, but it is largely a skill that requires practice. I have no way of knowing how much. Secondly, if I am to teach you, you must be able to learn from me. We have been master and slave; can we be student and teacher? If you wish me to teach you, please leave your garments at the door and come, sit facing me."

So Kirk taught Konti what he knew about pain. Every night for the next week, they spent an hour in the back room practicing. At first Kirk used his finger instead of the whip. When Konti could keep from reacting to the touch of his finger, Kirk began using the whip, one lash at a time. By the end of the week, Konti could hold still for one lash, maybe two, but more than that only if they were spaced far enough apart.

That evening Koh arrived for his usual session in Konti's home.

"Well, how is your pet project coming? Does your back need medication?"

"Miserably slow, and I won't stoop to using medication. You don't offer anesthetic to Kirk, do you?"

"Of course not. It'd ruin the experiments."

"If you ever want to feel inept, try learning this. I've never felt so - so - so stupid! in my life before. I just can't get it! And Kirk? Look at him! Sitting there relaxed and content. You'd never know there was a thing wrong unless you looked at his back."

"Hm.. That's quite a crop of welts he's got there. What happened?"

"This afternoon he maneuvered me into a situation where I had to give him sixty lashes. He does it about once a week, unless you've got him so exhausted he has no idea what day it is. Then he does it every chance he gets. He thinks it makes his slave status more secure, and it probably does. But I hate doing it, he knows I hate doing it, he would hate doing it, but he doesn't hate me for doing it to him. And it doesn't stop him from engineering a new one time after time after time.

"These last couple have been worse, because now I know what it feels like. He just takes it as if it's nothing! I can feel him smiling at me, though I can't see his face. He's thinking, 'Come on, Konti, you can do it. Come through for me one more time.' Then we get home, and I can't manage to hold still for three lashes, much less sixty! I'm telling you, Koh, I don't know how much more of this I can take!"

"You mean, you're ready to kill him?"

"Koh! Don't even mention that word. You know I dread the day."

Konti sat heavily and put his face in his hands, the picture of despair.

Koh turned to Kirk. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Kirk grinned. "Guilty as charged, on all counts. But you know that."

He rose and went to Konti, kneeling at his feet.

"Konti, look at me. I agreed to teach you because you so desperately wanted to know, not because you have to be able to do this in order to be my equal. Your worth in my eyes will neither increase nor decrease based on your ability or inability to do this. Furthermore, you will never succeed at this as long as you are tying your self-worth to your performance. Do you believe that I value you as a person regardless of how you handle pain?"

Konti slowly nodded his head.

"Good." Kirk sat back down on the floor.

"But, I still-"

"Okay, let's look at this objectively. You've been working at this an hour a day for a week. You've made significant progress. Rome wasn't built in a day."

"What?"

"Old Terran proverb. Means be patient; these things take time."

"How long did it take you?"

"Now that's an interesting question. I'm sure somewhere in those lost thirty years of memories was a fair amount of experience with pain management. That first branding ceremony was before I lost my memory. There was no doubt in my mind that I could hold still. The only way I could have been certain was if I had been there many times before.

"But I don't remember those experiences. Everything I've told you, I learned - or relearned - that first week aboard your ship. But I had a crash course, and I don't recommend it."

"What do you mean?"

"Between Khlat's whip - by the way, where is he? I haven't seen him for weeks."

"He works mornings when you aren't here. I find it easier to deal with him that way. He hates you so."

"He's jealous, because you like me. I wish there was something I could do, but there probably isn't. Anyway, between Khlat and Koh, I was blessed with non-stop pain for days on end. By the way, Khlat was easy compared to what Koh dished out. So it was sink or swim. I learned to swim fast, out of self-preservation."

"Konti, I never saw such a fast learner before. Every new thing I throw at him, it takes him between thirty seconds and five minutes to figure it out. After that, I get nothing but cool-as-a-cucumber, relaxed, casual conversation. So just because he can teach himself pain management in a matter of days, doesn't mean you should expect to be able to."

"A crash course - Hmm..." Konti looked thoughtful. "Koh, do you have room in that lab for two?"

"Konti, no! You don't know what you're asking for. Remember how surprised you were at the intensity of forty lashes? Imagine that multiplied ten times and continuing for hours upon hours, which stretch into days. You lose all track of time, almost all sense of reality. Nothing exists except the agony. Konti, believe me, you don't want to go there. It's not worth it," Kirk insisted adamantly.

"Then why do you do it?"

"I have no choice."

"Yes, you do. You choose it every night. You set it up that way. Why?"

Kirk chuckled. "It was a joke, really. I wanted to know if they would risk losing me in order to increase the psychological stress."

"And does it?"

"Of course not. I don't dread Koh's lab. Escape was never part of my thinking. I enjoy the solitude of a long walk is all."

"Konti," Koh interrupted, "If you're really serious about this, I think I can fix it with Korn to call it active duty. However, several warnings and conditions: If you walk into my lab, you put up with whatever is done to you. I personally don't care how you handle the pain, or even if you do, but you don't pull rank on me, and you don't report it to Korn. Also you don't decide part way through that you've had enough and leave. If you're in, you stay for the duration. And I don't lock the door. The only thing I guarantee is no permanent physical damage that I can't fix. Anything else is fair game. And I make no promises about psychological damage.

"Now here's how I will fix it with Korn. My objective is to break Kirk. Nothing I have done to him bothers him for more than a few minutes. The only thing he has raised an objection to is hurting you."

"No!" Kirk abruptly got to his feet, very agitated, and strode to the far end of the room. Konti looked at the criss-cross of welts on Kirk's back, and turned his attention back to Koh.

"You would be aiding the cause of the State by contributing to the interrogation of the prisoner. I'll talk to Korn tomorrow. We could even start tomorrow night. Since branding is also tomorrow, I can have you up to four weeks if I want."

"Four weeks! That's crazy! Konti, say no. Trust me, you don't want to do this!"

"See how vigorously he objects?" Koh mocked.

"Koh, it's not fair! You're using him! You're not even telling him the truth! Yes, I will hate it; will I do it anyway? Probably, if he asks me to. Will it break me? No. There's nothing to be gained anyway. I have no Federation secrets, and you know it!

"And what does he get out of it? A battered body, and a broken soul! Koh, you and I both know this is nothing more than another of your psychological games. I'll cheerfully play your games as long as you like, but leave Konti out of it!"

"Kirk, I have never before seen you angry."

Kirk stared for a moment, then turned his back and seethed in silence. Koh rose to go.

"Konti, think about it and let me know in the morning. Kirk, I'll see you tonight."

After Koh left, Kirk turned and returned to the floor in front of Konti. But he said nothing, his countenance again quiet.

"You're angry."

"I was, yes."

"You don't want me to do this."

"No, I don't. I think the risk to your soul is higher than the potential benefit. But I can't make this decision for you. Nor will I be angry if you don't take my advice."

"You won't? You're angry with Koh."

"Because he's using you. You want to conquer pain. He wants to make me uncomfortable. He hopes you can't control yourself, because the more out-of-control you are, the more uncomfortable I am."

"You don't care what he does to you, but you get angry if he does it to me. Why?"

Kirk didn't answer immediately.

"It's because you can handle it, and you think I can't."

"No, that's not it. It isn't a question of whether you can handle it, but whether he has the right to do it to you."

"He has the right to batter you? Physically and emotionally?"

"Yes, of course. Korn gave it to him. So did you. I have no rights. I am a slave."

"Don't start that again."

"Konti, you observed at the beginning that the slave-master issue was a game to me. One of the best coping mechanisms I know is to treat anything unpleasant as a game. Games have no power to make me angry. The game I am playing with Koh goes one step better. Since I tell him everything, we are playing on the same team."

"So you're angry because he doesn't have a right to batter me. But I can give him that right."

"Yes, you can," Kirk admitted reluctantly.

"Kirk, I have known Koh a long time. We are very close friends. I would trust him with my life, and have done so more than once. I am sorry you are angry, but I do not see this as you do. Koh is not using me, or if he is, that is a secondary benefit. He knows I want to do this, and he knows why. He is creating a way to explain it to Korn that will not get me in trouble. I would have said he is using you to help me."

"If you are very sure he values your best interest above other considerations, then I withdraw the complaint, and I will apologize to him for my anger."

"I am sure. Now there are things about tomorrow we need to discuss."