04 - [Byun Baekhyun] If You Watch Me Die

There seems to be a light fluttering before me. Warm and peaceful.

- - Don't wake up, even if you did, there wouldn't be day light.

I opened my eyes slowly, feeling surprised that I was still alive.

It almost felt like as if I should thank Park Chanyeol for not torturing me to death.

Of all the nights that I've laid with him, last night was probably the hardest to bear with. My stomach had been hurting since the interview recording, and by afternoon, it was excruciating, such that I thought I would have died halfway on my way back to the dorm. When Park Chanyeol lifted me off the bed, pinned me against the wall and then threw me onto the bed again to torture me, I could not fight back.

"Just, let me off for once…just today. Just today." I remembered myself pleading him like that.

But what's the use? He enjoys seeing me in pain, my pleading only motivated him further.

I only remember the attacks of pain, mixed with Park Chanyeol's words of cursing.

I woke up to the empty bedroom.

Unlocking the phone to check the time, it was already close to noon, I had slept for such a long time. I slowly supported my body to stand up. The only few steps that I took to carry myself out of the room were enough to kill.

Luhan who was outside of the door gave me a shock.

"Whoa, why does your face look even paler?"

"…Really? Hehe."

"Stop Hehe-ing. Come and eat something, I just ordered some food." He said as he arranged the boxes of take-out.

I looked at the bowls of delicious beef noodles, but felt no appetite at all.

I frowned and shook my head, "I don't feel like eating."

Luhan made a face, "You haven't had anything since yesterday's lunch! Plus your stomach was feeling unwell. How could you not feel like eat anything?"

Truly I did not feel like eating, it felt as if I would throw up anything that I ate.

"What about…Chanyeol." I changed the topic.

"He already went to the company. We'll go join their practice later."

I nodded, maybe he was so fed up in the dorm that he'd rather be in the company. The company was where he first met her.

But in the dorm? He had to face Byun Baekhyun, the bastard, every day when he enters the room. Of course he would not want to see me.

But-But I…

I want to see you so bad, as if I was possessed.

When Luhan, Kyungsoo, Sehun and I walked into the practise room, there was only the dance instructor.

"Chanyeol's not here?" Luhan asked.

"No," the dance instructor frowned, "aren't all of you here?"

"…He might have gone to the toilet." Kyungsoo tried to cover up. Luhan gave Sehun a glance and the younger boy immediately took out his phone to dial Park Chanyeol's number.

"Chanyeol Hyung, where are you? …..alright, come over fast…ok." After hanging up, Sehun mouthed 'coming' to Luhan.

- - I watched the two's perfect cooperation and couldn't help but to feel a sense of envy.

Without me, the group would've had perfect cooperation.

"Let's not wait and get started." The dance instructor clapped his hands to get them to gather in front of him at the mirror.

Tonight was one of the year-end major music programmes. As one of the special guests, we had to put up a special stage. With only 2 days to learn a brand new choreography, we were definitely feeling rushed. In a while, we would have to get ready to put on the costumes, so this was our last-minute practise.

However, I felt weak just after one round of the dance routine. I took deep breathes as I wiped the sweat off my forehead, looking frustrated at my weak self through the mirror.

That was just when Park Chanyeol entered the room.

"Where were you?" The dance instructor asked him.

"….the washroom." Park Chanyeol said expressionlessly and joined us to stand at his position.

"Since everyone is here, let's do it once again with the solo parts."

Of course, it was more than just once.

I gradually feeling weaker, but the dance instructor's voice would not stop.

"Byun Baekhyun, take note of the rhythm."

"Byun Baekhyun, dance with more force!"

"Byun Baekhyun, are you doing it half-heartedly? Put in more effort!"

"Byun Baekhyun!"

I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Because of me, we messed up the well-choreographed routine.

Under other circumstances, Park Chanyeol would have thrown in his harsh words as well, but today, he didn't, as he received quite a few reprimanding from the dance instructor as well.

I remember when we first debuted, Luhan Hyung and the others would make fun of us, and said that the two of us 'dancing blackholes' were a match. Back then, Park Chanyeol would naturally sling his arms around my back and pretended to get mad at them –"Yah, how could you guys look down on the main vocal and the visual."

Luhan would pull Kyungsoo over – "Strangely, the one who can dance well in our group is also the main vocal and visual."

"Damn, Oh Sehun come here. No matter what you say, our Sehun is one of the lead dancers as well." Park Chanyeol immediately tried to pull people to his side.

"I'll give you that guy that pulls down our average IQ." Luhan was indifferent.

"Yah! Luhan Hyung!" Sehun got mad.

Kyungsoo and I would laugh till we were on the verge of tears.

Time passes. People change.

….That was us back then.

But now, in this same practice room, facing this same mirror, the happy moments won't return.

I watched the members in the mirror as I reminisced about the past. Just when the dance instructor wanted us to practice again, our manager Tae Shin Hyung, entered the room.

"Are you done with practising? We need to get ready."

The dance instructor frowned and looked at us, then turned back to Tae Shin Hyung.

"Can we let three of them go first, and have two stay back to practise?"

Tae Shin Hyung froze for a second, "Chanyeol and Baekhyun?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, the other three follow me." Tae Shin Hyung waved at them. And before he left, he did not forget to nag at Chanyeol and I, "The two of you better put in effort."

When the other members left, the dance instructor put the music back on.

"Let's try the solo part again. Baekhyun. You start first."

I nodded, and tried to be more energetic as I danced to the music.

But I was not even halfway through before the dance instructor cut in.

"Byun Baekhyun! Please would you put in more effort! The performance is tonight!"

"I'm sorry…"

"Try that step again."

"Ok."

But I was interrupted again.

"Again."

"Again."

I don't know how many times I repeated it, until I no longer had any strength left. Park Chanyeol who was resting against the wall seemed to have turned his head to look at me.

- - I can't do anything right, and I'm disliked by everyone.

- - I hated myself that was like this.

"Again."

This time, I wanted to use all of my strength to dance the routine perfectly, but my body felt like as if it was pinned down by invisible nails. I could not even lift my arms.

"Yah, Byun Baekhyun, are you ignoring my words?"

"…" Sorry, but I can't even find the strength to say my words of apology.

"Byun Baekhyun!"

Sorry, I can't find the strength to move anymore. Sorry, it feels like I can't hear anything now. Sorry, my existence always pisses people off.

Sorry…

When I collapsed, I saw Park Chanyeol standing there, watching me coldly.

- - Chanyeol ah. I think I've said this before, even if you'd throw me a glance, I would feel happy.

So, its fine even if I died like this.

Isn't this what you wished for as well?