Chapter 26
Konti woke to the sound of Koh's voice. He was shaking his shoulder.
"Wake up, Konti. I let you sleep an extra hour, but if you want some breakfast, you better get it now."
Konti sat up groggily.
"Where's Kirk? Is he eating?"
"He's in the weight room, and no, he won't be eating."
"If he's not eating, I won't either."
"Kirk's on IV's. You're not. Go eat. It's in Room C."
The prominent feature of Room C was an elegantly laid dining table. One wall contained well-concealed kitchen equipment, and another wall held a fold-up bed. The table was laid for two, although there were four chairs. As Konti hesitated, Koh entered the room behind him, followed shortly thereafter by Kirk. Koh gestured Konti to a chair; then he and Kirk sat. Clearly he intended this to be a breakfast meeting.
But Kirk had nothing, not even the glass of water he had admitted yesterday to craving. Konti looked at Koh, who was making a big deal of the fruit juice in his hand. Kirk was watching, relaxed and unconcerned. He grinned at Konti, wryly amused.
"If you think this is bad, sometimes he puts a full glass in front of me, and then tells me I can't drink it."
Konti put his utensils down abruptly.
"Eat; doctor's orders," Koh insisted.
Konti didn't resume eating. Kirk tried too.
"Konti, please eat your breakfast. I won't get any, whether or not you eat. It will distress me more if you do not eat, than if you do."
Konti reluctantly started eating again, mentally vowing to give Kirk a glass of water every day.
"I know what you're thinking, and if you do, I will refuse it. No food, no water, no sleep, and no privacy. Those are the rules."
"It seemed more or less reasonable at the time. The reality is so much worse."
"Don't think about it." Dismissing the issue, he turned to Koh. "You called this meeting. What are we supposed to talk about?"
"What do you plan to do today?"
"You're in charge. You tell me."
"No. Answer the question."
"I plan to do whatever you tell me to do."
"I'm telling you to plan what you will do today."
Konti listened to this exchange and burst out laughing. Kirk was pleased to distract Konti from the food issue, and that he wasn't too nervous to laugh.
"I presume you want to know the steps I would take in Konti's education, provided you give me opportunity."
"Yes."
"We need to get from 50/130 to 100/180. One of the biggest hurdles is handling non-stop pain. Pain management over a long, indefinite time period is rather different than short bursts. But we also need to work on stretching the limits, so we need to keep going to that upper extreme. The key in all of it is to relax and accept it. Yesterday, we got over a lot of the fear of it. Today, we work on relaxing while pressing the limits. Sound like fun?" This last remark was addressed to Konti.
"You're joking. You think what you did last night was fun?!"
"Depends on your definition of fun. I was very pleased with that third workout last night. If hard work can be fun, yes, I think it was fun."
"How did you do it anyway?"
"I simply imagined you were there, saying all the things you said to me at the previous workout."
The schedule for the day included two-hour sessions with Konti, one-hour workouts, and one-hour sessions testing Kirk's limits in other rooms. Room F contained a large machine. At first glance, Konti thought it resembled a mindsifter. Kirk calmly assured him it wasn't, as he climbed into the chair.
He chuckled. "Though it does have a tendency to scramble the wits somewhat."
Koh explained as he wired Kirk to the machine.
"This machine controls sensory input: not just sight and sound, but temperature, gravity, motion, smell. We've run various experiments in here, recording his perceptions at different levels of pain. Today I'm testing the effects of a new drug. I won't tell you what it's supposed to do til we're done. First, we run it without the drug; then give him the injection, wait an hour, and run it again. I record everything he says. It's generally very descriptive. Sometimes it goes by too fast to describe. And occasionally he'll ask me to back it up and play it again, because he thinks he missed something."
Konti chose to stay and watch, even though Koh assured him there would be nothing to see. But Konti saw Kirk's relaxed body and heard his calm voice describe the most bizarre sensations. He wondered how Kirk could separate the sensory inputs from his reaction to it. He would say, 'I'm falling, faster and faster. I feel the wind on my face. I'm spinning, dizzy, feel light-headed.' And there would be no panic reaction in his body. His hands remained loosely draped over the chair arms. When it was over, Kirk grinned as he climbed out of the chair.
"That was one of the more wild rides this machine has produced. Congratulations on a superb program, Koh."
"Your injection's in Room A. No physical activity during the wait. Take a nap."
Kirk left without a protest. Konti asked Koh for a turn at the machine.
"Sure. But you don't know what you're asking for. Kirk's words, no matter how descriptive, don't give you the half of it. Especially since he does it in that tour-guide voice, as if it's not really happening to him. Believe me, when you're hooked up to this machine, it feels every bit like reality."
"You speak from the voice of experience."
"Yes. I couldn't believe Kirk's reaction, or lack of it rather, so I had Khich hook me up. Kirk is not exaggerating when he calls it a wild ride. I would call it a nightmare. So are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Kirk thinks it's fun. I can tell by the look on his face. But if I try to get an answer out of him, he'll just say it's more interesting than a prison cell. How can he be so cheerful about everything? His existence is full of pain and deprivation, some of it of his own making. Yet in the midst of it all, he's unfailingly full of... - life. I don't understand him, but I want to."
So Koh hooked Konti up to the machine. For the next 45 minutes, Konti endured the nightmare that Kirk had called a wild ride. He heard Kirk's tour-guide descriptions and almost laughed at the deliberate understatements. In fact, he could imagine Kirk's joyous laughter through the whole thing. A couple of times, he almost caught it, but then was overwhelmed by the next part of the wild ride. When the machine fell silent and Koh unhooked him, Konti could hardly walk, he was so disoriented. Kirk was there, grinning at him.
"Couldn't resist it, I see. Did you get your money's worth?"
"You think this is an amusement park ride?"
"Sure. Better than most. Cutting edge programming. The younger generation would say, 'absolutely awesome!' - when what they mean is, 'absolutely terrifying!'"
"And you think it's funny."
"Beats letting myself be afraid of it."
Kirk moved to the chair, albeit a little cautiously, as if he couldn't see it clearly.
"What's the drug doing?"
"I'm seeing double, all my nerves are on edge, and senses of all kinds are heightened roughly by a factor of two."
Konti shuddered at the thought of double the nightmare he'd just finished. Kirk, as usual, behaved as if it was nothing.
"It's exactly the same program." Koh had finished the wires. All that remained was the helmet.
"So I can leave out the basic description and just give you the superlatives?"
"Actually, we have time. The drug won't wear off for several hours." He hesitated.
"Time for what? If you're hesitating, it must be really bad." Kirk grinned.
"I'd like to run it straight through with no talking. Let you concentrate on the experience itself. Then you tell me everything you can remember. Then we run it again, slowly, picking the whole thing apart, replaying whatever we need to."
"Sounds good to me. Why the hesitation? Oh, because we don't strictly have to do the first run. But I think it's a good idea. There's a gestalt that's missing when I sit back and describe the whole thing. Let's do it. But it's going to take a while; Konti will get bored."
"I have other plans for Konti."
As Koh ushered Konti out the door, he heard Kirk begin to laugh. They walked down the hall as far as Room B.
"I want you to work out for an hour, then help yourself to supper in Room C. After that, take a nap. It's going to be a long night. I'm going to play with your dial, but I'm not telling you how much or how long. And don't ask, just deal with it."
So Konti did. Like Kirk, he didn't feel a thing as long as he was working out. Shortly after he finished, it hit him suddenly. He staggered but didn't fall, perhaps only because he was close to the wall and able to lean on it. It felt like more than the 50 of last time, but he wasn't sure. Slowly he walked down the hall to Room C.
He sat heavily in the chair. Koh had left food out for him. Could he manage to eat and ignore the pain? Ignore it, no. But eat in spite of it, maybe. Only one way to find out. He managed it, slowly. Good thing Kirk wasn't watching. No, Kirk wouldn't laugh at him. Kirk only laughed at himself.
He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, but lay down in Room A anyway. Next thing he knew, someone was calling his name. He woke slowly, aware that his body stiffened as it became aware of the pain. He opened his eyes and sat up. Kirk was smiling.
"Congratulations. You can sleep through a 60. Want to tell me about it?"
"I didn't think I'd be able to, but I used the tools you gave me, and it worked. Has the drug worn off? Are you done with that machine? And did you laugh all the way through that super wild ride?"
"No, yes, and yes. Some things, the only way to face it is with laughter."
"But I couldn't laugh if it wasn't funny. How can you think it funny?"
"It's not funny as a joke is funny, though it's starting to become a joke too. That machine is supposed to be a particularly exquisite form of torture. Koh knows what my reaction is, but he keeps writing these absolutely marvelous programs for it, just to see what my opinion is - to see if I find all the little things he put in it.
"Anyway, I'm not laughing at the joke. I laugh because it's fun. I enjoy it."
Konti gave him a look of outright disbelief.
"Look at it this way: I have no control over the program. I'm going to experience these sensations. That's a given. But I can control my response to it. I can choose to see it as an awful nightmare, or as a marvelous wild ride."
"I don't see how you can change a nightmare into something marvelous just by choosing to. Especially not a drug-induced double nightmare. Did you say the drug hasn't worn off yet?"
"Right. I'm not seeing double anymore, but the rest of it is still going full swing. A large part of why it's not a nightmare for me is that there's no fear of any part of it in my heart. So I'm free to enjoy it."
Koh's voice came from the speakers. "If I may interrupt your discussion, it's time for a workout. Konti, I'd like you to coach this one."
Konti stood up slowly. "Okay. What about the drug? Do I still expect him to be able to do what he did yesterday?"
"That's what I want to find out."
"You're not going to crank his dial all the way up to 230, are you? That's insane!"
"That's for me to know. I'm not telling what I'm doing to yours either."
"Quit arguing, and let's get to it." Kirk grinned.
Konti threw up his hands in defeat, and shook his head at Kirk, but followed him out the door. So focused was he on Kirk, that he didn't notice that he was virtually ignoring his own pain. He coached Kirk all the way through the workout, and it was his opinion that Kirk's concentration was even greater than it had been the day before, whereas he would have expected the exact opposite, due to the drug.
They finished the last set and lay down on the floor to rest. Within moments, Konti felt the pain he had been ignoring. It felt worse than before, lots worse. He began breathing heavily, and fighting against the instinct to stiffen all his muscles. When he thought he was winning the fight, he turned his head to glance at Kirk, who was strangely silent. Looking closely, Konti decided Kirk was unconscious. Alarmed, he sat up and verified that Kirk was breathing.
"Koh! What did you do to him?!"
"He'll be fine. I just didn't turn it down quite fast enough."
"How high did you have it?"
"240."
"Koh! That's a perception of 480! You could have killed him!"
"Well, I didn't. I told you, he'll be fine."
"How do you know? What have you got his dial on now?" Konti demanded.
"120."
"Koh! Turn it off, all the way off!" His voiced thundered.
"Are you pulling rank on me?" Koh's voice was deceptively calm.
Konti took a deep breath to calm himself. "No, I'm not. Is it permitted to inquire what you're trying to accomplish?" he asked with deliberate precision.
"You can ask, and I don't mind telling you. I wanted to know how the drug affected his ability to concentrate and shut out the pain. My conclusion is that, if anything, it helped, not hindered."
"I would agree. He seemed more focused to me, not less."
"Right now, I want to know if he can regain consciousness with the pain at perceived maximum, which is slightly higher than yesterday's max."
"Yes, I can," Kirk answered as he woke. "How high?"
"The dial's at 120 right now. With the drug, that's an effective 240."
"Yes, that's about what it feels like. What did you hit me with right after the workout? I didn't even have time to register what it felt like before I blacked out."
"I had the dial all the way up to 240 during the workout."
"Whoa! Sounds like you've got a winner. How long do the symptoms last? You got any other tests you want to run?"
"Kirk! Do you realize he almost killed you?"
"Yes. So what? It's not the first time, and won't be the last. He won't kill me; that honor is reserved for you." He grinned at Konti.
Konti stared, but said nothing.
"Kirk, your pet student has been ignoring a dial reading of 100 for most of the past hour. And doing it unconsciously as far as I can tell."
"I felt it after the workout, before I saw that you were unconscious. And I can feel it now."
Kirk sat up and looked at Konti appraisingly. His eyes were intently focused, and he was holding himself quite still, but he was not rigid with tension. Kirk smiled.
"Good. You're getting it. 100 is more than half-way to your max. I don't suppose you'd be content to quit now?"
"Are you trying to get rid of me? I'm not quitting. I still can't do half what you can."
"Koh, what's next on the program?"
"Get yourself back to Room A and plug in those IV's. You can have the next four hours with Konti. You haven't won the bet yet. And just because I like you, I'm turning your dial to zero."
Kirk laughed. "You're too kind."
Konti detected a note of mockery and asked about it as they moved to Room A.
"Oh, Koh likes me, I don't doubt, but that has nothing to do with turning off the pain generator. Much more likely is that he intends to shock my system by going from zero to max in nothing flat."
"Koh would do that?"
"Of course. He's supposed to be torturing me. We're also running experiments. If he can combine the two, so much the better. But I hope you don't have to watch. It's not very pretty. It takes me a while to adjust."
"Don't let him kid you," Koh put in. "I've never seen it take longer than five minutes, and sometimes he does it in thirty seconds flat."
"What makes the difference?"
Kirk answered, "Lots of variables: whether I'm asleep, how long I've been pain-free, what drugs he has me pumped full of. But I never have any warning. That would spoil the whole thing. So if I suddenly stop talking and start screaming, you'll know why."
"He never screams," Koh objected, "except for that dinner party at your place. I don't know how he faked it so realistically. That is so unlike the way he deals with pain, I'm surprised he knew how to do what he did."
"So what does he do?"
"Usually nothing much: breathing gets a little ragged, muscles tense up; he stops talking, closes his eyes. Once he even pounded the bed with his fist out of frustration with himself, but that's unusual."
Kirk worked with Konti uninterrupted for the next four hours. At the end of that time, Konti's max had increased to 160. Koh sent Kirk back to the weight room, this time alone. He sent Konti to bed in Room C.
"I want Kirk by himself tonight. If you want to watch, I'll get you up in four hours."
"I do."
Four hours later Koh woke Konti and they went to the monitoring room. Kirk was sound asleep. Koh told Konti that he had laid out several injections, which combined with the one already in his system, should give them an interesting show.
"You're trying to duplicate the five minute adjustment."
"Exceed it if I can. Kirk knows what I'm going to do, but he doesn't lose any sleep worrying about it. He took the injections without a moment's hesitation, and immediately went to sleep."
Koh set the dial and was about to hit the power switch. Suddenly he had an idea. Turning, he spoke to Konti.
"I want you to hit the power button."
Konti was taken aback. "Why?"
"Let's just say, I'm testing a theory. You promised to obey me. Prove it." And he pointed at the power switch.
Konti slowly and reluctantly pushed the button. Kirk immediately stiffened and began to jerk spasmodically. Then he groaned and began tossing and turning, as if he were trying to throw off the pain. This went on for several minutes. Koh explained.
"The drug is keeping him half-asleep. He doesn't know what he's doing. But notice his hands. No fists. And see that - within inches of those wires, he throws his hand away from them. Not even awake, and he won't let himself touch those wires."
Kirk began to breathe slowly and deeply. Gradually the thrashing subsided; finally even the jerking quit. Kirk lay quietly with no outward sign that he was awake. Koh looked at the timer.
"Nine minutes, twenty-nine seconds. A new record. The man's incredible. Proves to me over and over again the strength of his will and control over his own body. I haven't yet found a drug that he can't subdue."
"Are you just going to leave him like that?"
"Yes. Does that bother you? Doesn't bother him. I wouldn't be surprised if he manages to go back to sleep."
Konti looked skeptical, and still disturbed.
"Okay, I'll tell you what. You go in there and talk to him. If you can get him to say 'yes', you can come and turn off the power. But only if he gives you permission. I'm going to bed, but don't think I won't know. Good night."
Koh left and Konti went into Room A.
"Kirk, are you awake?"
"Sort of," came the sleepy reply.
"Are you awake enough for me to talk to you?"
"You can try." Kirk didn't move, and his reply was only slightly less groggy.
Konti sat on the floor beside the bed, slightly amused at this reversal. Kirk didn't seem aware of it.
"Kirk, I've been watching for the last fifteen minutes. I pushed the power button that turned on your pain. Koh made me do it to prove I would obey him."
"He's devious." There was no malice or bitterness in his tone.
"You're not angry?"
"No. Not with you. Not with him. How long did it take?"
"Nine minutes, twenty-nine seconds."
"I bet Koh's pleased with himself."
"He said you're incredible. I think he's looking for a drug you can't conquer."
"Well, I'll be the first to know if he finds it."
"How can you joke about it?!"
"It's a habit." Kirk smiled sleepily. He still hadn't opened his eyes.
"Koh's gone to bed. He said I could turn off your pain if you said it was okay."
"Not a chance. Forget it."
"He said he would know if I cheated, but I don't see how."
"Simple. He knows I won't say 'yes'."
"How could he know?"
"Konti, I have spent hours on the floor of that monitoring room, not because I couldn't manage to get up and turn it off, but because I refused to. Another time, he strapped a toggle switch to my hand. We played with that all night and all the next day. We stretched limits I didn't even know were there. He pushed and pushed and pushed some more, positively begging me to push that button. I wouldn't. So that is why he knows I won't say 'yes'."
"But why not?"
"I deal with the pain by accepting it. If I allow myself to say 'no' to it even once, that weakens my ability to accept it the next time. Complete and total acceptance makes no room for the easy way out. So go back to bed. I won't change my mind. And if I did, I'm perfectly capable of getting myself to that monitoring room. And I know where the power switch is. Besides, with the help of this drug, I may even get some more sleep."
Konti shook his head and left.