Chapter 8: Aragorn and the Toilet Seat

By Archet T

Dedicated to the place we went camping this summer :)

7. Do not try to sacrifice Legolas, even if it's for a good cause

'Hey guys!' Frodo skipped through the magnificent forest of Lothlorien over to where the rest of the Fellowship (minus Gandalf), was enjoying a very violent game of Crazy Eights, 'I finished my speech!'

'That's great' Aragorn replied, not even looking up from his cards, 'What's it about?'

'Guess' said Frodo proudly.

Boromir glanced up from the deck quickly, only to do a double take. He shoved his knuckles in his eyes and rubbed vigorously, 'Is it just my imagination, or is Frodo dressed like a giant toilet seat?', he said, his voice slightly muffled by his hands.

'Its probably just your-' Gimli looked over his shoulder and his tongue stopped working for a minute, 'Gah' he managed to spit out as the rest of the Fellowship finally put their card game to the side and looked up'

'Lovely there Frodo' grinned Merry cheerfully, 'Stunning. Toilet seats really suit you'

'Ya think so?' The hobbit spun around in a circle so they could get a view of his costume from all angles.

'You're kidding me right?' Legolas twisted in his seat, 'I'm embarrassed to be seen with you guys'

'Thank you' Frodo bowed mockingly as best as he could, 'So... would you like to hear the speech?'

'Sure' Pippin laughed, 'It sounds great. Good topic choice. Toilet seats'

'I know right!' exclaimed Sam, who then poked Legolas, 'I have an even better idea. Frodo, why don't you go over there for a minute (he pointed back towards the city), and we'll plan a surprise for you!'

'Sure' Frodo said willingly, 'Don't take too long'

He walked away.

'Kay guys' Sam whispered to the group, 'For those of you who don't know, Frodo's speeches are...like, really bad. They-'

'And you should have heard some of his topics!' Pippin interrupted Sam, 'I mean, toilet seats almost sound normal compared some of his other speeches'

Merry counted them on his fingers, 'In Rivendell there was Elves: Aliens or not?'

Legolas started to make a comment but Merry kept going.

'And in Crickhollow there was a speech about Cutlery and it's Uses, not to mention the one he gave at Bilbo's birthday party years back'

'I don't remember that one' frowned Pippin.

'It was called DO YOU THINK BILBO IS GOING TO LEAVE AND WHEN HE DOES WILL I GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET FOR ONCE?'

'26 people passed out during that one' Sam informed the others.

Aragorn let out a low whistle.

'So that is why I think it would be a good idea to get everyone to hide when Frodo comes back-'

'Hear hear!' interrupted Legolas, 'You'll release* me then, right?'

*For when the Fellowship had settled down to play cards, Legolas had refused to stay with them. Up to the point where Boromir and Gimli tied him screaming to a tree. But that's besides the point, as Sam had not finished speaking yet

'-EXCEPT for Legolas, who shall stay here. Better we sacrifice him than any of us' Sam finished speaking.

'Wha- wha' Legolas blubbered as everyone else started to put Sam's plan into action (it was a very good plan you see).

They untied the elf and dragged him forwards, tying him to a closer, larger tree. Legolas continued blubbering.

The rest of the Fellowship called Frodo back, then snuck off to raid Galadriel's pantry (courtesy of Pippin).

Legolas never saw toilets the same way ever again. In fact, he never saw toilets again, period. He was too scared.

'Well then' Merry scratched number 7 off Celeborn's list, 'We didn't exactly 'sacrifice' him, but it was close enough'

The End

Extremely long footnote: Frodo here. After reading this and attempting to murder the others for their rude remarks concerning my beautiful speech, I decided this was not enough to be considered 'sacrificing'.

So... me, Sam and Gollum had just stopped at a Starbucks somewhere in Ithilien, and y'know how they have free WiFi there right? Well, I was borrowing Sam's laptop (mine got waterlogged in the Dead Marshes), and out of sheer boredom I tried to hack Aragorn's email. Lovely thing to do, let me tell you, and it didn't take that long at all.

His password was 'Ellesar', if you're curious. Fine password, just not fine enough for super email-hacking Frodo!

Anywho, I was glancing through his emails as Smeagol came back with the drinks, and found this little story he had emailed to Gimli. I assume it's fictional, because I'm pretty sure Gandalf would kill him from heaven if it weren't.

So, enjoy!

Frodo Baggins

Yo Gims :). How's life? That's cool.

Anywho, ya remember when we met Eomer for the first time, and you and Leggy got him all annoyed? That was totally EPIC.

And... well, I thought it would be funny to write a story 'bout what happened that day, but add a little more whatchmacollit... y'know... pizzazz (I dunno if that's a real word but whatevs).

So, here's my story. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated :)

Thanks a bazillion,

Estel (they say it's bad to sign emails with your real name... so I'm using my half-real name)

Story starts now :)

Once upon a time, an awesome dude named Aragorn was traveling with his two friends. One of these two friends was an elf: the other was a dwarf.

So one day they come to this really weird place called Rohan, where you have to own a horse to be considered cool. Which sucked, because this Aragorn guy was SO cool, but didn't have a horse on to prove my coolness.

And so eventually this creepy guy horsed (that's a new word I made up. It's a verb, and means 'to ride a horse') towards us with all his goonies, and was like 'STOP!'

But we didn't stop. Oh no we didn't. In fact, we were so not stopping that Gimli (he was the Dwarf dude) went and literally TALKED BACK to this guy! I mean, who does that?

Gimli is, like, TOTALLY awesome.

IKR.

Anywho, then awesome Aragorn and Great Gimli started to head along to path, with the boring elfish dude with the weird ears way behind, when the creepy horse guy (who had introduced himself as Eomer), said that he needed to take one of us hostage to bring back to the king, who will sacrifice them as to bring good luck to his pet monkey currently suffering from fever.

And that is why elf dudes are considered endangered.

Because we just MIGHT have offered him up for sacrificing.

Dear Thranduil, if you're reading this, GO DIE IN A HOLE, from, Anonymous :)

The End

So, what'd'ya think? ? ? LOL 8)

Aragorn

About that...ermm...