Chapter 27

They spent the next day similarly occupied. Except the day's experiments were held in Room D, which focused on the micro rather than the macro. Kirk sat calmly while Koh poked him repeatedly with needles. Some penetrated deeply enough to bleed, others didn't. Koh worked on a variety of skin areas, but the most unnerving for Konti to watch was the fingertips.

Kirk's hands lay open and relaxed. Koh did not restrain him in any way. They were so close together, that Kirk could have successfully attacked Koh, had he chosen to. Neither of them seemed aware of it. Kirk was as intently focused on the data as Koh. From the sound of his voice, you would have thought him a dispassionate observer, rather than the victim.

Konti watched not nearly as dispassionately. His own pain a constant background, Konti spent more and more of his attention focused on Kirk. Koh said his dial was up to 120, but it no longer felt much different than 60 had. Also, he could handle spikes up to 180 if he knew they were coming. Not completely without tension, like Kirk could, but he didn't pass out.

Later that day, Kirk was again working with Konti. He had reached a plateau. He had gone as far as he could go using the techniques Kirk had taught him.

"You've done well, Konti. There's no reason for you to pursue this further."

"But I can't do what you can do."

"It's a matter of degree. I've just had more practice, that's all."

"I don't think that's all. You operate on a different level. There's a reckless abandon about everything you do. You call it total acceptance, and it is, but I would also call it total unconcern. You really don't care what happens to you."

"Well, if you ever find yourself a prisoner on an enemy planet with no way of escape, you can remember what I did."

"You don't act like a prisoner; you don't act as if we are enemies; and not once have you tried to escape."

"Yes, but that doesn't change the facts. If I don't care what happens to me, it's at least in part because I know what's going to happen to me. I've known since the moment I boarded your ship," Kirk reminded him quietly.

"I understand you expect me to kill you, and some day I will have to, but that's not what I'm talking about. Death is final, but there's so much pain before death. You don't care how much, what kind, or even who inflicts it. You have more interest in why, but even that's not in the least self-protective.

"I have some idea now how you do what you do, but I still don't understand why. So I'm not ready to quit." He took a deep breath. "I want that toggle switch."

"No! Konti, listen to me! You do not have to prove anything," Kirk pleaded earnestly. "Not to me, not to Koh, not even to yourself. You are accepted just the way you are."

Konti didn't reply, but his disbelief was obvious.

"You don't just want the switch; you want Koh to push you the way he pushed me. Konti, don't ask him to do that to you. This is not worth sacrificing your friendship with him. You trust him with your life. Will you still trust him after he breaks you? And even if you do, how will he feel about you?"

"He doesn't mind doing it to you."

"That's different. It's his job to do it to me."

"Konti, Kirk is right. I won't do it. I'm sorry."

Konti looked defeated, but only for a moment.

"You could make Kirk do it."

"You know as well as I do that I can't make Kirk do anything. I could tell him, and he might do it, but if I'm giving the orders, then I'm responsible, regardless of who's pushing the buttons. So the answer is still 'no'."

Konti looked intently into Kirk's eyes. That indescribable something was supplemented with concern and compassion. There was one more thing he could try, but he expected Kirk to refuse.

"No one can make you do anything, but I'm asking. Will you do this for me?"

Kirk did not reply immediately.

Lord?

Do it, Jim.

"Koh, would you be willing to push the buttons if I'm giving the orders? If I'm going to do this, I want to be focused on Konti, not the buttons and dials."

"Yes," Koh responded slowly, "I guess so."

"All right, I'll do it. But Konti, do you remember the knife scene in your house? I can act like a thorough-going villain. Are you sure you want me to do this to you?" Kirk's eyes probed for reassurance.

"Yes, I am. But why are you willing? I was sure you would refuse. You're so adamantly opposed. What changed your mind?"

"Not what - Who. God changed my mind. In my judgment, this is a bad idea, but He said 'do it', so I'm obeying orders. I trust His judgment more than my own."

Kirk pulled the toggle switch out of a drawer. (He had known exactly where it was.) He strapped it to Konti's hand, talking while he worked.

"Here's what I have in mind, Koh." He explained a series of hand signals by which he would tell Koh what to do with the dials. "And if I'm jumping more than twenty points, I'll do it verbally. But I want an instantaneous response. By the time I'm finished saying it, I want it to be happening. No time to think about it. So you better get some coffee and stimulants. It's going to be a long night. Also, if you can tie mine into his, so I'm getting what he's getting, that would help."

"I can, but your perception of 150 is different from his."

"I'll compensate. But I don't want to have to ask him for feedback."

"Understood. I'm working on it."

"How's that, Konti? Comfortable? Doesn't feel like it's going to fall off? Press the switch. Go on. I'm just trying to line it up so it's easy to do."

Konti pressed the switch several times. Kirk made an adjustment and Konti pressed the switch again.

"That looks good."

Konti nodded wordlessly.

"Koh, can we test this connection? Give us about 50."

"Done."

"Konti, press the switch three or four times. Is it working?"

Konti nodded.

"It's important that you know the switch works."

Konti nodded again.

"My goal is to get you to press that switch, to turn off the pain. Everything I say and do will be aimed at that goal. Up to now, I have been the voice of encouragement. This will be the exact opposite, though it may sound very similar. Nothing I say is to be trusted. I may lie to you, deceive you, play all kinds of tricks on you. Anything at all is fair game. Do you understand?"

Konti nodded.

"Koh, are you ready?"

"One more minute."

"Konti, this is your last chance to back out. If you're determined to go through with this, I want you to say out loud that you want me to do this, that you will accept without bitterness everything I do to you."

Konti hesitated, and swallowed convulsively. Kirk just waited. Finally Konti slowly spoke the words Kirk had asked for. Kirk nodded a solemn acknowledgment.

"Koh?"

"Ready."

"180. Now!"

Konti gasped and crumpled to the floor. But he wasn't quite unconscious. Kirk knew he couldn't handle this. Of course, that's why he did it. Probably wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. Well, he wasn't giving up that fast. He deliberately moved his thumb away from the switch. Turning onto his back, he breathed slowly and tried to relax. The words he had spoken to Kirk echoed in his mind. Accept everything, without bitterness. Slowly he relaxed and lay still.

Kirk was impressed. Maybe, just maybe, Konti could really do this. Regardless, Kirk was committed. He began speaking in a soft, quiet voice.

"The pain is terrible. Like knives, stabbing, cutting, twisting, over and over again. Your feet burn like fire, the pain is so intense. It will go on without interruption for hours and hours and hours. It will never get less severe; it will only become more intense. The only thing that will stop it is for you to press the button. A simple, easy action. All you have to do is push the button and the pain will stop."

Kirk repeated this message in several variations over the next half-hour. Konti occasionally shook his head, but otherwise did not respond. Suddenly Kirk hauled him to his feet, and drove him into the hallway. He marched him up and down the hall, raising the dial five points for each circuit. He whispered in Konti's ear, urging, tempting, and taunting. After the third circuit, he put him in the chair in Room F, wired him up, and turned on the machine.

He talked all the way through the program, displaying a remarkable memory of it, since he himself couldn't see any of it. Then he played it again, raising the dial another ten points. His aim was to distract Konti from his goal, and overload his system with too much sensory input. It almost worked. By the time they were through with the second play-through, Konti was breathing heavily and was very tense.

Kirk decided not to go for a third round. If Konti memorized as fast as he himself did, then a third round would have diminishing returns. So he drove Konti back down the hall to Room B. He had no idea how Konti would respond to the weights, but he knew the routine well. Kirk raised the dial five points with each exercise. Rather than coaching Konti effectively, he shouted abuse of various kinds.

Konti stuck with it, virtually ignoring Kirk and concentrating on the workout. When it was over, he lay down on the floor to wait for the pain, as had become their custom. Kirk sat nearby. The dial was up to 250 by his calculations; he did not know if Konti would pass out, but it was entirely probable.

Konti gasped, went rigid, and began pounding his fist on the floor. Occasionally he muttered 'can't,' shook his head in frustration, or kicked the air. He seemed on the ragged edge of losing it. Kirk renewed the attack with quiet words of temptation. Finally Konti yelled at him.

"Shut up, Kirk! If you can't say something helpful, don't say anything!"

Kirk was silent for a few seconds. Then Konti realized what he had done.

"Go ahead, say anything you want. 'Accept everything' includes what comes out of your mouth, doesn't it? I should have known this would be at least as hard to take as the pain itself. You called Koh devious; you're three times worse than he is."

"Konti," Kirk was the voice of reason. "You can't go on forever. You're over my max now. If you press the button, we're done. You came out on top, at 250."

"And if I don't?"

"We keep going until you do press the button."

"You would keep raising it even though we're past your max, just because I won't press the button?"

"Yes."

"Prove it. Meanwhile, what's next?"

Kirk raised it another five points. Konti clenched his fist and his jaw, but his right thumb was kept firmly away from the button. Kirk thought fleetingly, He's as stubborn as I am!

"Back to Room A."

Konti and Kirk both crawled, and Kirk whispered in Konti's ear all the way there. Back in Room A, Kirk rose without much difficulty and plugged in the IV's, more from habit than conscious decision. He turned to Konti, who was still on the floor.

"On your feet, Konti."

Konti got shakily to his feet, clutching the bed for support.

"Let go of the bed."

Konti did, staring at Kirk out of pain-filled eyes. Suddenly Kirk had to fiercely suppress his emotional response, and Konti saw it. He remembered how vigorously Kirk had opposed hurting him, and he understood the emotional cost to Kirk. At that moment, he was most strongly tempted to press the button. But he didn't do it. Kirk was perfectly capable of having engineered that slip for the sole purpose of tempting him. But Kirk was talking again.

"All right. You wanted a contest. Here it is. I keep raising it five points at a time til one of us passes out. If I pass out first, you win. You can tell Koh to shut the whole thing down. If you pass out first, then I wait til you wake up, and then we resume this little game we're playing. If you fall down, but don't pass out, then you get up, and we keep going. Nobody holds onto anything. You have to stand on your own. Unless of course, you decide to press the button."

Konti shook his head. Kirk raised it five points. Nobody moved. He raised it another five points. Konti swayed and almost fell. Another five points. Konti fell, but wasn't out. Got up slowly.

"You could end this by pressing that button."

"I don't care what you do, I'm not pressing this button, ever, and that's final."

"Then you better flex those knees. You're standing too rigidly. And relax. You're so intent on not pressing that button that you're forgetting what I taught you."

And Kirk raised it another five points. Konti thought Kirk's words must somehow be another trick, but he did flex and relax some. Kirk saw what Konti thought, and laughed.

"How's your bitterness quotient?"

"What?"

"Are you angry?"

"No, I don't think so."

"If I knock you out, and do this all over again ten or fifteen more times, would you be angry?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Do we need to do it to find out?"

"I don't care."

Kirk raised it another five points. Konti swayed but didn't go down.

"Are you sure you don't care?"

"I really don't care. Do whatever you want. It doesn't matter to me."

"Do you hear what you just said?"

Konti looked surprised. Then his whole face lit up. He began to laugh. He fell onto his back, his arms raised in triumph, his feet kicking the air, shouting: 'I don't care!' at the top of his lungs. Kirk just grinned at him.

"Koh, we're done. You can shut it off. Thanks for seeing it through. I'm sure it wasn't pretty. It's going to take Konti a while to calm down. Feel free to join the party."

Koh came in and they sat on the floor in companionable silence, waiting for Konti to stop carrying on. Suddenly Konti sat up, still looking profoundly surprised.

"I really don't care. You could turn it on again now and I wouldn't care. The thought of getting slammed with two hundred plus whatever just doesn't faze me. Kirk, how did you do it?"

"You know exactly what I did. The only thing you don't know is that I've been praying for you ever since the Lord told me to do this."

"You've been praying. For me. You mean, all the time you're whispering in my ear trying to get me to press the button, all the time you're raising the dial, you've been praying for me?" Konti's tone moved rapidly from disbelief to anxiety.

"That's right."

"I have no idea how you can talk to your God while you're doing all this other stuff, but- What did you say about me?" Konti asked uneasily.

"I asked God to accomplish His purpose in this encounter, that He would do in you and for you what He desired, that He would use me as a willing instrument to accomplish His purpose for you, that He would give you His peace, His grace, and His strength."

"You asked Him to make me not care?" Konti's brow furrowed in confusion.

"No. I didn't know where we were going, what it would look like, or how long it would take, but I recognized it when we got there. Would you agree that you got what you needed out of this?"

"Yes, I did." Konti bared his teeth in frustration. "But if you didn't know, how did He?"

"God knows you. He knows everything about you. He doesn't have to learn about you from me."

"Your God knows me. That's scary," Konti admitted.

Kirk smiled disarmingly. "Not if you understand who He is. He wants you to know Him, and He will go to great lengths to show Himself to you."

"Including put you through months of agony."

"I do it willingly."

"I know, but where will it end?"

"I don't know. But I'm in no hurry to die. The agony's nowhere near that bad. I trust the Lord to arrange the completion to suit His purposes."

Koh interrupted, "Speaking of completions, there's one more encounter I need for my report. I just don't want you to think you're all finished."

"Sure. You're talking about Room E. Tonight?"

"I'm exhausted, and you two should be. No, tomorrow morning is soon enough. You know what's in Room E this time?"

"No, I'm guessing. I haven't snooped." He explained to Konti. "Room E is called the guessing room, because he changes what's in it every week. Usually I go in there with the pain at the max, no sight or sound, often without the use of my hands even. He times how long it takes me to figure out what's in there. It's my favorite of all the games we play. Probably because it's never boring."

"Koh, I have a question before we turn in. How high was the dial when we quit?"

"280."

"280!?" Konti was thoroughly shocked.

Kirk grinned. "You didn't believe me that we were over my max, did you?"

"No, I didn't. You had said not to. 280! I survived 280, without passing out? Unbelievable! Did you know we were going to go that high? That's forty points over your max!"

"No, I didn't. I knew I was going to start at your max and go up from there. And I knew I wasn't going to stop at my max, just because I'd never been higher. How high was irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was getting to where you needed to go. I trusted God to tell me when we got there. He did."

"Well, Kirk, you've earned that steak dinner. For your performance of the last four hours, I should give you two steak dinners. You surprised me several times, but so did Konti. I had no idea he could handle what you did to him."

"I didn't either. Neither did he. But that was the whole idea: to find out. That's why you keep pushing my limits, isn't it? To find out where the true limit is: the point beyond which I cannot, or will not go. Keep looking, with my blessing. You may find it."