What Might Have Been

Spencer and JJ

She knew it was wrong. No one had to tell her it was wrong. A woman knows. Its that little guilty feeling in her gut. The goose bumps on her skin from doing something illicit. The fear of getting caught, being discovered.

But what was there to catch her doing really?

What she was doing wasn't outwardly wrong in the least. She had invited her very good friend over for dinner. Just because her boyfriend was out of town didn't make it inherently wrong.

Will knew that Spence had a place in JJ's life that no one else could touch. More than just her co-worker or her ex. He was simply essential to her life. A vital part of her family. She would never allow the changes- the growing up they were doing- to push him away from her.

It wasn't wrong to spend time with him. It wasn't wrong to want Henry to know Spence and them to have a tight relationship. And it wasn't wrong to care deeply for her friend.

On the outside she could make it all look perfectly acceptable. But deep inside she knew how wrong it was what she was doing that night. All because she was more excited to have Spence over to spend an evening with her than she was to spend time with Will.

It made JJ feel guilty and ashamed. Will was good to her. Things between them were good. He was excellent father. If she didn't think too hard about how she really wanted her life to be like or remember too much what it felt like when it was Spence's lips ghosting over her body in the middle of the night then she could be happy with Will.

It was her own damn fault for obsessing over an affair that ended years ago. For wanting things she knew she could never have.

(Don't know where to put you anymore.

You can't be kept inside my dresser drawer.

I find the pieces of you in my dreams and in the evenings)

Her life worked only one way- with Will taking care of Henry and her living with them so she could see her son as much as possible, and so that he had a strong family. Her whole world would crumble if she walked out on Will. She couldn't do that to herself, to Will or to Henry.

So she wouldn't leave. She'd never leave. Not for another decade or more could she even think about leaving. Knowing that made it hard to breathe. It was easy when she just pretended the happy life Will gave her was the happy life that she wanted most.

Sometimes she could pretend enough to actually feel happy. Then Will would go back to Louisiana for a weekend and the rush of feelings would come again. The rush of hope. The rush of excitement.

The longing and the hunger. For just one night she could have Spence over and they could live the way they might live in this house if she hadn't been scared and stupid back when they met.

(Spill out the edges of my mind.

Memories of you feel like they're miles wide.

Its all I can do to get to the other side of these evenings)

Its so wrong to be like this. But this is who Jennifer Jareau is and she doesn't think she'll ever change. She doesn't even think she wants to. Because to change means to give up these stolen nights with Spence. And she doesn't think she can. Even the times, like now, when he has a girlfriend it doesn't stop her from asking him to take time away from her and come over for dinner.

(I'll see you tonight

in the back of my mind

when I remember your skin

like I remembered you then)

Nothing can stop her. The desire to have her evenings with him is too intense. If only she wanted him this fiercely back when it was all easy and possible for them. If only she hadn't been a child in so many ways still. Afraid to commit. Afraid to open up. Fast to push away. Fast to hide under layers. Fast to put up walls.

Why he didn't start hating her years ago she'll never know. But he doesn't. He still cares and tonight he is coming over to spend time with her and her son. Tonight Spence is giving JJ another glimpse of what might have been.

(When you would dress me in white

with the look in your eye

knew you'd love me forever

before I ever knew better)

Much later that night she sits on Henry's bed while Spencer holds him and reads to him a bedtime story. She laughs at how Spencer never gets the fables. Reaching her hand out she lays it on his leg.

The image is perfect to her. They are a happy family for a few minutes. She doesn't care if she's delusional. She needs this fantasy to survive her real life.

When she told Pen about how the feelings for Spence never went away- as she stood in front of yet another hospital and cried because he was shot in the leg, not wanting to go inside and cry in front of anyone- Penelope had asked her to consider telling Spence himself. Then maybe together they could see if they both wanted to change their lives and find a way to be together. Maybe he would leave his girlfriend for JJ. Maybe she could, in fact, be brave enough to leave the security of being with Will. Maybe Spence wanted to give her still all JJ wouldn't allow him to give her before.

But JJ had brushed off that advice. She had to stay in control. She had to keep the house of cards all in place. She couldn't risk everything. So she told herself she only wanted Spence now because it was a good fantasy to have for a pratically married mom.

Will has long since stopped trying to get her down the aisle, which is good, because she feels sick when she thinks of saying those vows to him. She does love Will. She's just in love with Spence. And it's a love that grows in drips and drabs each day. In small, small moments. But it does grow.

Tonight its growing. Even if its so wrong to let it. She won't try and stop it. This is the best part of JJ's life, other than having Henry. But even Henry doesn't know how much his godfather means to Mommy. Her son is young. He can't see she's a fraud and she's not fearless. He can't tell she settling for less so that Henry might have more. She doesn't want him to ever feel like he was a mistake.

She loves her little boy. And that's why she does love Will. For being good to her and Henry. Its just that she is only really herself when Spence is in the room. Its what she has come to face a little at a time over many years. She's worked her way through her twenties and finally she can look in the mirror and be honest with herself.

JJ just can't be honest with the world yet. So only Pen knows the truth. And maybe only Pen will ever know.

That night they stay in Henry's room till he falls asleep, his little hand clutching Spence's sweater.

JJ says "He really loves you."

"I love him too. He's a great kid. Did you notice how much his vocabulary is growing lately? He's very bright."

"Maybe you are rubbing off on him."

"Do you think so? I'm not around him that much so I don't see how- "

"You should come around more," she says it but she knows its impossible. Its all so impossible.

Spence just gives her a sad smile. His eyes go back to looking at her son. Spence had a girlfriend to go home and call, say goodnight and how he loves her. JJ is glad he has someone. Yet she never wants to lay eyes on this woman in person. And they don't talk about her much either.

Instead she teases Spence mercilessly and they play like two teenagers when they have spare time at work. He makes her life better in so many ways. She needs him still so much. But she'll take what she can get.

(Can't see myself back beside you

but I see nobody else.

Nobody's perfect but I'm perfectly happy

to keep on bringing this love off the shelf.)

Spence presses a kiss to Henry's head. "Sleep well, small prince."

JJ and Spence go out to the living room and he says "I should go."

"Really? We could watch TV or something? I'm sure there must be some decent movie on you haven't seen yet."

He gives her an amused look. "I never see anything. You know that."

She laughs. "Right. We should work on that."

"Pop culture isn't my passion."

"Still you should be up to date about the world."

"Why?"

She laughs. "Just because, everyone talks about stuff and you have no clue what they are referring to."

"I think we've had this conversation before," he says, in a serious tone which only makes her laugh harder. After she calms down there is a comfortable silence and she says "Well, night then. See you at work, I guess. Thanks for coming over. I hate being here alone when Will is out of town. I think its our job getting in my subconscious or something. Like if I'm alone an unsub will know and show up. Stupid, right?"

"No, its actually a very understandable fear considering our job. Call me if you want later. If you can't sleep."

"I'll be fine." Sure, she's always fine, isn't she? Just fine. Sure. "Night, Spence."

"Night, JJ."

She gives him a hug that lasts a little too long until he pulls away and leaves without looking at her again, as if he knows she has tears in her eyes and is trying to spare her the embarrassment. She blinks them back, takes in a deep breath and lets it out.

Her night with Spence is over. It was perfect but it couldn't last. Maybe she only wants this because she is scared to commit to Will completely.

That's a good lie to tell herself. Too bad that JJ can't even fool herself and make herself believe that one.

(Better off,

I couldn't say

if I'd be better off without a love I live without anyway.

Better off, ohhh, who knows?

See you tonight) (Sara Bareilles)

THE END