Chapter 27

While Heinz was walking to his skiff, his cell phone began to ring.

"Oh, um, Perry the Platypus? Can you and your female agent platypus be quiet for a moment? I have to take this call."

Kim rolled her eyes and said, "Fine, Doctor, just don't waste my time if you're trying to contact some secret supervillain organization."

Doofenshmirtz glared at Kim and then opened his flip phone.

"Hello? Who's thi...ughh...it's you again, Roger! Look, for the fourth time today, I'm not going to the dentist! What? I don't want to schedule an appointment! You know what happened to me the last time you took me to visit the denist! My teeth are fine, Roger! Yours are crooked and ugly! And good day to you!" He then angrily hung up.

"Who was that?" Kim asked, "Is it a villain organization whose dental plan you're complaining about?"

"No, female platypus, it was my annoying pest of a brother and the mayor of this city, the 'honorable' Roger Doofenshmirtz!" Heinz sneered while using air quotes to describe his brother.

"Air quotes, how classic..." Kim snared.

"He wants me to make a dentist appointment for my checkup!" Heinz complaned, "But my teeth are completely fine. See?"

He leaned toward Kim as he flashed a smile. Doofensmirtz's teeth were yellowing with plaque with at least four cavities filled and it gave off a horrible stench.

"EWWWWWW!"

Kim was thoroughly disgusted by the condition of the doctor's teeth. And she had eaten platypus food not more than a few hours ago!

"Have you ever tried brushing your teeth or at least flossing? Or even using mouthwash?"

"I only brush my teeth at least once a week! And I never floss or use mouthwash!"

"Well..." Kim countered, "...your teeth will end up like that when you do that stuff!"

Doofenshmirtz was annoyed, "And who are you supposed to be, Miss Know It All?"

"It seems that I've lost my track..." he then added, trying to recall something but couldn't. "Where was I in my rant?"

"Wasn't it something with your brother and some dentist appointment?" Kim questioned.

"Ah yes! I was getting to that!" Heinz grinned, "My brother has been nagging me all morning long for me to make a dental appointment, but..."

And then his cell phone rang again, and Heinz looked at the caller ID. Not surpisingly, it was Roger.

"I'll just let it go to voicemail." Heinz snarled, "And then delete it!"

"So what is your beef anyway with going to the dentist?" Kim asked, "I never had any problems when I got braces!"

"And I believe that will serve as a transition to my emotionally-scarring backstory." Doofenshmirtz sighed as he began to tell his tale of woe.

(sad violin music)

(Doof) You see, back in Gimmelshtump in the days of my dark childhood, around the tender age 11, my brother and I always made regular trips to the dentist! Our regular dentist was named Dr. Ginger Vitis. He always prefered the I in his last name to be more pronounced. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Roger would always have a clean bill of teeth due to the fact that he always brushed his teeth, flossed, and ate all the right foods.

(Roger's teeth were pearly white and shiny for both the Doofenshmirtz parents to admire him. He eats an apple and some vegetables on the size)

I...ehm...tended to more have a sweet tooth and only brushed my teeth around twice a week.

(Heinz snuck around the family kitchen and stole jelly beans from a jar.)

Everything changed when we had to get...braces!

(Thunder and lighning flash in the Gimmelshtump sky as the Doofenshmirtzes enter into Dr. Vitis' office.)

My parents have saved up a lot of money to provide braces for both myself and for Roger. In the end, they spent 85% of that money on state-of-the-art braces for Roger done by Dr. Vitis.

(Roger appears from the dentist's office with upscale braces minus any sort of headgear and with both of his parents admiring how they look.)

The rest was spent on my braces. Dr. Vitis put them on me as well.

(Heinz appears from the dentist office wearing ugly and crude orthodonic headgear with his braces. A dog looks at Heinz curiously and flees in terror.)

I tried to eat almond brittle with my braces but my father took them away from me.

(Heinz tries to eat a stick of almond brittle but his father swiped it from his hands and said sternly in German: "Sie tragen Zahnspangen ! Keine Süßigkeiten für Sie!" translated as "You're wearing braces! No sweets for you!")

I couldn't even enjoy my favorite sweets anymore.

Roger was the talk of the town with those braces. Even a couple of Frauleins were smitten by his good looks. And I, as punishment for my attempting to eat sweets with braces, was still forced to be the lawn gnome.

(Roger walks by the Doofenshmirtz house, flashing his braces and his pearly white teeth with other neighborhood kids admiring him and his parents waving to him. Heinz tries to move a step forward but his father sternly instructs him not to move, yelling: Bewege dich nicht! ))

"So flash foward some 30 years later and Roger wants me to make a dentist appointment for Dr. Martin Vitis, the son of that vile dentist that I mentioned in my emotionally-scarring backstory a few minues ago. He just opened up his practice right here in Danville right next to a lake and has attracted large amounts of business and I can't stand it!"

"So why not just go to another dentist? Or, better yet, try to take care of your teeth!" Kim snarked.

"Because then you would have to go in a car and then to the grocery store. And there's varieties of toothpastes and toothbrushes to choose from! And as for choosing another dentist, there's a lot of paperwork to fill out!" Doofenshmirtz rambled. "I tried various excuses to get out of it like their tools are all sharp and pointy, or how expensive those dental bills can get! Nothing has worked...until now!"

Heinz then walked to his skiff where his latest devices was covered with a giant white sheet.

"Perry the Platypus...and the female platypus agent as well...recoil in horror at my new evil device!"

Doofenshmirtz then pulled the sheet.

"Behold...my Sugar-attract-inator!"