17 [Park Chanyeol] I only realise what I love after I destruct with pride.
I don't know how I managed to walk out of the broadcasting station. On my way back, my whole mind was blank. I could only think about how much I wanted to see that person as fast as I could.
But if I were to see him, what should I say to him? What should I do?
I didn't have the slightest idea.
People rushing past on these streets - the world never stops. The previous minute and the current is nowhere different, but after knowing of those things, the world seems to have completely changed.
I was suddenly afraid that the person's gaze as he watch me was now different from then.
But it was empty when I returned to the dorm.
Shouldn't he be staying at home and getting some proper rest?
I stared into space for a moment before taking out my handphone make a call.
The pixels formed the word 'Byun Baekhyun', it shone for a moment and I could hear his ring tone coming from the bedroom.
…He didn't bring his phone along when he went out.
I immediately made a call to Luhan Hyung, "Hello, Luhan Hyung, do you know —"
Before I could finish my words, he interrupted me.
"Chanyeol! Have you finally ended your schedule? Quickly go see Baekhyun in the hospital!"
"What, what's wrong with him?"
"I heard he fainted this morning. We can't leave either since we are still attending the schedule," Luhan Hyung's tone was urgent, "Chanyeol, tell me...…is Baekhyun very sick? I also had a friend who got a gastric flu, but he didn't have to go for surgery!"
His words made me feel chilly inside, after asking about the hospital I hung up the phone and fled downstairs.
When I suddenly pushed open the doors of the ward, Byun Baekhyun got a shock. He was leaning against the bed frame, face pale, making him look extremely weak. His eyes watched me with expectation yet with fear.
There were two – three or so other beds beside him, they all had their family members there with them. It was around the time of sundown, the rest of the patients in the ward were assisted with their dinner.
Only Byun Baekhyun sat there alone.
I walked towards him and he fearfully shifted slightly away.
"Whats wrong with you."
"…I'm fine."
"This is called 'I'm fine'?"
"…" He did not speak, instead looked at me with fear.
I thought about the past few days, I think I did too much to torture him.
I'm sorry. As of now, I don't know which expression to use when I face you.
Still, with my expressionless and empty face, it must look terribly frightening such that it is disliked by you.
I tried to soften my tone.
"Do you feel better?"
He nodded.
"Why did you faint again."
He was silent for a moment and shook his head.
"I don't know."
I sighed softly, realising that it'd be difficult to carry on with this conversation.
The atmosphere turned awkward.
"You, you wait for me." I said without thinking much, and ran out of the room.
— I should do something.
I took out my handphone to search as I ran out of the hospital.
'What Baekhyun likes'.
I slowed down my pace and entered the first website of the search result and scrolled down to read the replies.
'Of course Baekhyun Oppa would like Chanyeol Oppa the most!'
…What the hell. There was an unexplainable annoyance, I pressed the 'back' button and re-entered something else into the search bar.
'Byun Baekhyun's favourite food.'
— I felt absolutely stupid.
Under some profile, I got the results.
'Favourite food: Korean cuisine, Chinese cuisine, Strawberries'
'Current favourite: Michel & Augustin Chocolate biscuits'
How smart these fans are, how did you all know?
Why don't I know anything about him, even though I'm beside him all day?
I tucked my phone away.
While running, a convenience store came into my view; I went in to look for the item.
After buying those biscuits, just before I entered the hospital, I decided to extravagantly get him a bouquet of flowers from the florist nearby.
So when I appeared again before him, there was even more shock in his eyes.
I walked towards him and awkwardly placed the flowers at the bedside desk, then sat down at the side of the bed.
"Uh, you have a friend staying in this hospital?" He asked as he referred to the flowers.
"Isn't it you."
His eyes widened.
"…For me? Those flowers…?"
"Yea." I replied simply. I saw his mixed expressions.
"Chanyeol, what…what's going on with you?"
I was disappointed by his reaction. Is it that he wanted to reach his hands over and touch my forehead, while asking 'Chanyeol are you having a fever?'
With a bit of frustration, I took out the box of biscuits from the bag and removed its plastic wrapping before handing it to him.
"Eat this, I thought you'd like it." I said without looking at him, trying to appear nonchalant.
He froze for a long while before reaching over to receive it.
"Thank you."
I looked up to watch him, he seemed overjoyed, but unable to express it.
…What a fool you are.
He took a piece of the biscuit and took small bites. The way he bit carefully, made him look like a dexterous yet tame small animal.
I suddenly felt a sense of ease.
But before he could finish two of those, there was an alarming female voice from behind me.
"Yah ! Why are you eating that!"
It was a nurse. She was watching Byun Baekhyun with a frown as she placed the bowl of porridge-like substance down onto the table.
"I suddenly felt like eating it…" He explained.
"Must you always eat anything that you wish to? I already reminded you not to eat such things! If something happens because of this, who's going to be responsible?!"
Byun Baekhyun nodded his head obediently.
The nurse then adjusted the speed of his IV drip before leaving the room.
I felt deflated all of a sudden.
— I had almost forgotten that his stomach was ill.
I saw him reach for another biscuit and immediately stopped him.
"Don't eat that." I said with my expression probably dark. I took the biscuit and threw it into the bin.
He could not stop me in time.
"But I wanted to…" He mumbled, face like a disappointed child.
"Just eat the porridge."
I was slightly disappointed with myself. I was the one who messed up and bought the wrong thing, yet I was releasing my anger on someone else.
Without speaking, he took the bowl of porridge from the table.
His hand was still connected to the IV tube while holding the bowl. It was difficult for me to watch that.
"Give it to me," I took the bowl over.
He paused, not knowing what I wanted to do.
I scooped up a spoonful of the semi-liquid and placed it to his lips.
He looked at me uncertainly.
"Eat."
"Oh…"
He leaned forward, and slowly ate the porridge.
I brought towards him the second spoonful. And the third.
His eyes suddenly turned teary.
"What's wrong. Why are you crying." I stopped and looked at him with a frown.
"…No…" He shook his head. His words were unclear as there were food in his mouth, but he had a twisted expression as if in pain.
I was stunned for a moment, but soon realised something.
I took a spoonful of the porridge as well, and soon felt my tongue numb from the heat.
He ate three spoonful of such, it wouldn't be normal if he didn't cry.
"The fuck…Why didn't you say so when it was hot! Are you mute?" I shouted.
His eyes were watched me with panic and a hint of innocence in his eyes.
"I…I thought you did it on purpose."
His voice was soft, but I could hear it clearly.
Did you think I was finding a new way to torture you? Purposely trying to make you suffer.
I wanted to explain, but I thought of my actions from just now, I didn't think I was in the position of making any form of excuses.
I've never been surrounded by such a sense of frustration. Watching his teary eyes, I felt sour inside.
I held up the bowl again to feed him, this time, I made sure to blow it before feeding it to him.
He was still rather hesitant to lean forward to eat it, looking at me as if he I was an alien.
Many times he looked as if he was about to speak, but swallowed his words back.
It was awkward – the silent scene of someone eating and the other feeding. I cleared my throat and tried to start a meaningless conversation.
"Why didn't you stay in a single ward this time?"
"Tae Shin Hyung didn't have time to get one."
"I thought he was supposed to."
"It was a stranger who brought me to the hospital. But I like it here, no one really recognises me."
I looked around the other patients and their family in the ward, they all looked slightly older.
"A stranger sent you here? Where did you faint?"
"On the road in front of the apartment."
"Why were you out?"
"…I wanted to buy something."
I saw his expression turn uncomfortable once again, only then I realised that my tone sounded as if I was interrogating him.
I suddenly didn't know how to speak to him.
My damned pride was trying hard to suppress my guilt and panic. We stayed silent until he refused the porridge with a slight frown.
"…I don't want it anymore."
I put the bowl down without objection and pretended to be nonchalant as I started to toy with the flowers on the table.
He was also silent with his head down.
It was as if time had stopped. The voices of the people around us disappeared, the only scene in the world was the two of us facing each other in silence. It was silent such that I could almost hear every drips and drops of his IV drip, and the rhythmic sound of my own heart.
"Yah."
"…Huh?"
"What exactly is your sickness?"
He watched me, without any change in his expression.
"Gastric flu."
This jerk, seriously.
"Why are you lying."
"I'm asking you."
"…I didn't."
He turned his head away, no longer looking at me.
"No matter what," I took a pause, "I hope you can…recover."
He turned back to look at me in disbelief.
"You'd better stay healthily alive you bastard."
Just let it…just let it —
Even though I still wasn't sure what I can do, or how I can change.
But you'd better stay alive.
—Just let it be another chance for me.
18 [Byun Baekhyun] Apple and You
Park Chanyeol has changed. He's turned a little…no, very strange.
He's started to visit me in the hospital more often, but rarely together with the other members. Even though he never spoke much when he came, it was still pretty unbelievable.
Park Chanyeol, what's in your mind?
The higher I climb, the harder I'll fall – that, I know.
But if its related to him, it would become difficult for me to understand.
Its fine, even though he might be lying to me by doing this. Because he wants me to lose harder. Its also fine, even though he might doing this only because he is pitying me out of his conscience.
— Just let me continue to fall deeper.
I'll bear all the pain that you give me, so how can I miss any second when you are treating me well.
Days became more boring after I switched to the single ward. Everyday passed by with me merely lying on the bed while flipping through magazines, or playing video games.
I did ask Luhan Hyung to bring me some books, not because I wanted to read, but it was for those flowers from Chanyeol. I couldn't bear to see them wilt to nothing.
I carefully tore off a few petals from the flowers and placed it in between the pages of the book, thinking about when he'd come again to visit me.
There had to be something to look forward to when the days were boring and slow. But today, the result of my looking forward was someone else.
I heard the door open and turned my head towards it, only to see Wu Yifan.
"Mr Wu…?"
He came over and sat down, acting as if we were close friends. He had that usual strong gaze.
"You look pretty good huh."
"Huh?"
"I'm talking about your current situation."
"…Oh, I guess I'm fine."
I still felt rather uncomfortable with him, but there were some things I had to say, "Oh yea, thanks by the way."
He looked at me with a brow slightly raised.
"What for?"
"The surgery thing…I heard you helped me a lot," I've heard from people that Wu Yifan got someone to push forward my surgery date, and also arranged for a surgeon with a good record, such that my surgery would be in a week's time. And that's why I've decided to stay in the hospital until the day itself.
"Oh, you knew about that," He spoke as if there was no big deal.
"Yeah, Tae Shin Hyung told me."
"Who's Tae Shin Hyung?" He looked at me, slightly puzzled.
"…" I was almost amazed by his weak memory, "…Nevermind." He probably won't remember it anyway.
But then somehow I remembered that scene when I first met him in the suite. Back then in that dim yet chaotic place, he took a look at my ID and said "Byun Baekhyun right? Ok, I'll remember you."
And he's remembered my name ever since.
I watched for a moment in daze.
"What's wrong," He looked at me with a strange expression, "Why are you staring at me?"
"…Nothing," I realised that I was being kind of rude, and turned away immediately.
"You've fallen for my spell huh?" He joked as he took the book lying on the bed frame to flip through it.
The pages swept across his slender fingers, a few pieces of the pressed flower petals spiralled out from between.
I immediately reached my hand out to try to pick them up, but the IV tube connected to my hand did not allow so.
"Hey!" For a moment, I forgot who the person in front of me was and demanded urgently, "Quickly, pick that up!"
He was stumped for a moment after hearing my shout, but actually bent down obediently to pick up the petals.
I took them over and carefully put them in the book again.
He looked at me silently, then looked at the vase by the bed. The bunch of light orange flowers it held was losing its beauty, close to withering.
"Park Chanyeol gave that to you? The bouquet?" Wu Yifan asked.
I answered him simply.
"You like him that much huh?" He sneered.
How is this any of your business. It wasn't anything easy to answer, so I didn't bother to reply.
"Ha, that little rascal. Seriously."
"Hey why are you calling him that." I looked at Wu Yifan with a frown.
"What's wrong? Am I not allowed to?" He looked at me with an arched eyebrow, "For someone that I hate, its already quite polite of me."
Even though I understood that it was impossible to get everyone to like him, but the person I like was being disliked, and it didn't feel good.
"You don't even understand him, you can't hate him."
"Who says that I don't understand him?" He asked with a smile.
Wu Yifan always had an arrogant notion that he knew everything.
"I've met him," Seeing that I've ignored him, he continued on, "And we chatted for a long time."
I was immediately alerted, "You've met him? What did you talk about?" I immediately thought of his strange recent behaviours and asked, "You didn't threaten him right?"
Just as I had expected the man opposite looked at me as if I were a moron.
"You fool —".
"What exactly did the two of you talk about? When did it happen?" I started to get anxious, thinking about how Chanyeol hated it whenever I met up with Wu Yifan. I was afraid that Wu Yifan would do something to further anger Chanyeol.
He stared at me for a moment and replied, "You."
"Huh?"
"What is there to talk about between me and him? Isn't it you? If not Hayeon?"
"So what exactly did you talk about me!" What kind of suspense was this person trying to make? I was already brimming with anxiousness.
"Just —"
Just as Wu Yifan opened his mouth to speak, the door was pushed open.
I looked towards it, shocked to see Park Chanyeol standing at the door. He looked alarmed when he saw Wu Yifan, but soon returned to his cold and expression.
He stood at the door without moving, neither did he close the door, as if waiting for someone to leave.
I felt uncomfortable; there was an ominous feeling bubbling up.
"Looks like I have to leave," Wu Yifan stood up.
"Bye," I said while watching him. I did not dare to say anything else.
"Take care of yourself," He said as he walked towards the door.
Park Chanyeol stared at him as if he wanted to swallow him up.
There was a small pause when Wu Yifan walked by Chanyeol as if he wanted to make some form of communication, but nothing was exchanged in the end.
Afterwards, Park Chanyeol closed the door and walked forward.
"Chanyeol…." I was slightly afraid of him. I wanted to explain, but did not know how to.
"How are you feeling today," He sat down on a chair by the bed, face still expressionless.
"…Not bad." I watched him with apprehension.
He looked at me with a frown, "Can you not do this. Am I really that scary?"
I forced a smile by lifting the corners of my lips. Even though those were his words, but I've been around him for too long, such that I knew every single of his expression – every single of his actions.
I knew he was probably feeling rather angered at heart.
This state of Chanyeol was a dangerous one.
After a long period of silence, he finally spoke, "Why did he come."
"Just…Just to visit me, nothing much."
"Can't be that he still wants to have sex with you right?" He asked blatantly, the way he watched me was rather terrifying.
I secretly grabbed the corners of the bed sheet tight.
Probably for my whole life I'd be seen by him to be lowly and dirty.
"No…"My justifications felt useless, "He really did come just to visit me."
He continued to stare at me.
"Really?" He suddenly asked with seriousness, as if he was really trying to confirm.
— As if I said 'Really', he would believe me for real.
Then —
"Yeah, really." I mustered up my courage to look back at him.
He didn't speak, instead he continued to looked at me for a while. Then he let out a silent sigh, like he was trying to suppress his anger.
Followed by that, he turned his head to the side, fiddling with the things on table mindlessly.
I was contemplating if I should continue to explain myself, but he suddenly jumped to another topic.
"Why do you have apples here," He eyed the plastic bag on the table, "I thought you weren't supposed to eat such stuff before the surgery."
"Ah, that," I smiled bitterly, "Tae Shin Hyung bought that, I guess he also forgot."
I immediately regretted after finishing my sentence, because I instantly realised that the word 'also' was slightly inappropriate.
I was suddenly reminded of Chanyeol's biscuits.
Just as expected, his expression looked as if he had just swallowed a fly. It took long for him to speak.
"You can't eat those right? Then I'll eat those," He returned to his serious expression, "I want to eat an apple."
"…...Go ahead," What is this supposed to be, requesting for permission? Aren't those apples just next to you.
"You pass it to me." He looked at it stilly.
I froze. The image from the past suddenly flashed across me.
— "…I can't eat anything right now, but do you want to eat it? It looks pretty sweet…"
— "No," he answered coldly, "I dislike dirty things."
For the longest time I had no idea how to react. As I saw his brows knit, signalling that he was about to get angry, I had to reach to the bedside to take an apple.
"I'll go wash it." I said, about to get up.
"That's fine." He immediately grabbed the apple over from me, and before I could react, he took a large bite off it.
I was taken aback by his action for a while; I finally spoke after much internal conflict, "Really…I mean it should be washed, since there's so much bacteria in the hospital."
"Not like it'll kill me." He didn't care and continued eating.
I watched him, in a momentary daze.
— Park Chanyeol, what exactly is in your mind right now.
I watched him like that as his eyes turned to side-eye me.
"Why do you keep on staring at me."
My cheeks flushed upon his words.
"Do you like me that much," He continued to shoot me with his direct questions.
I was reminded of Wu Yifan's question from earlier on.
— "You like him that much huh?"
Yea. I do like him that much. To the extent where I'd put my life, my everything, my whole world at stake.
At an age of twenty, I guess I was still pretty childish. Liking someone was similar to a moth darting for the flame – self destruction, and putting in all that I can. As if if I didn't love someone this way, I wouldn't be myself.
The person before me was holding the apple, and his beautiful wide eyes looked towards me.
— This is the face of the person I've loved for numerous years.
Just a while ago, those answers that I couldn't tell Wu Yifan, suddenly felt like they could easily burst out of me. Even if I would be taunted by the person before me, I still had to let him know the answer.
"Yes, I like you very much."
And I waited for his sneers.
But all he did was smile.
For so long, I've yet to see Park Chanyeol smile at me, but he was suddenly watching me with a smile. Eyes slightly curved, the way he was looking at me made me hard to believe my eyes. Why would you smile at me like that. I felt my heart barely able to cope.
I watched him in a daze, even forgetting to speak.
"I know," He said with a smile.
Of course you know, you jerk. The fact that I like you – of course you'd know it better than anyone else.
After he finished the apple, he took out another one from the bag. And after that, he took out a marker from his bag.
"You're pretty bored staying here alone right?" He asked.
I looked at him with a puzzled expression, not knowing what he was about to do.
"I'll give you a friend then."
He used the marker and drew something on the apple. Very carefully.
Ah, his smile was exchanged with an expression of concentration, but he still looked incredibly handsome.
"When I'm not here," When he finished drawing, he showed the apple to me, "let it accompany you instead."
The apple had big bright eyes resembling that of a manga character, while the bottom was a wide smile.
And beside its features wrote its name – *Apple-Chan.
I stared at the apple, unable to speak.
I felt my tears about to fall.
"When you are bored, you can talk to him!"
"Don't you ever dare call Wu Yifan here."
"It wasn't me –"
I was interrupted by him before I could finish.
"Hey, catch it." He gently tossed "Apple-Chan" into my hands.
I immediately caught it, and held it tight in my hands.
Apple- Chan was smiling happily at me.
— My name, it means a 'prosperous fruit'.
I still remember a long long time ago, before any form of hate or desire for revenge, he introduced himself to me like that, full of spirit.
— My name is Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol.
— Lets get along well.
I tightly held onto the apple in my hands, as if I was holding onto those old memories from the past.
*Loving Note: Apple (사과) in Korean also means apology.