25 [Byun Baek Hyun] Foreboding

I've met Wu Yifan a couple of times again and somehow learnt that he was the one who told had Chanyeol about my conditions.

I could not stop thinking about how even if the sudden change in his attitude towards me was just because his pity, I'd still be unable to pull myself away. Just the thought of him hating me a little less was enough to make me happy.

It was the first time I knew, that the tangling of bodies in bed could be … pleasurable and painless.

It was the first time I knew, that I could be treated gently by you, that I would even be able to hug you tight in the act.

- "I quite like you."

I'd probably remember those words for the rest of my life.

Just as his kisses and his eyes on me.

His smiling eyes and the soft curve of his lips.

He said to me the word: like.

Thank you.

…Do I seem silly? But you were slowly responding bit by bit to my love for you. For this, I'm grateful.

Park Chanyeol's drama was having a press conference. As one of the OST singers, I too, received an invitation to the press conference for the drama.

The OST was not yet complete, but the demo of the song received a good response from the producer and directors.

Even Chanyeol complimented me, saying "It was pretty good."

"…You heard it?"

"Yeah."

I smiled, "Thank you."

His drama had received tons of attention even before the airing of it's first episode, thus the press conference was filled with the media companies and fans. I was simply the singer of one of the OSTs, it was not a major role but I somehow still got to attend the event along with the male lead.

As we drove to the venue, I watched Park Chanyeol nod his head along with one of those Hip Hops songs he always listened too.

I figured out that he must be in a good mood. His drama was finally broadcasting and now he could get some rest.

"I see that your drama is doing well already even before the broadcast," Jong Woo commented as he drove, "Tae Shin Hyung said that if this drama did well, we'd be looking for new scripts for you."

I was about to get happy for Chanyeol but he looked unimpressed.

"I don't like filming, can't I just go back to rapping."

"You're seriously…"

"Quickly find me some music-related job, I need to balance out."

"…Balance out?"

"I don't mind being featured. How come Kyungsoo's album had no rap parts in any of the songs? I could help." Chanyeol was whining.

As I sat behind them, I couldn't help but want to laugh.

Back then, Park Chanyeol used to never speak around me, yet now he could talk freely and easily even with my existence. The dark and shadowy Chanyeol was gone and the pleasant atmosphere was so beautiful that it felt surreal.

I was thinking about all that has happened recently yet he suddenly turned around, looking at me with those deep and alluring eyes.

"Don't you think so?"

His words pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"I'm asking you, don't you think that the Rap is always the soul to a song?" He asked with much seriousness, almost making it hard to disagree.

I smiled awkwardly, "Uh…yeah."

"See!" He turned around proudly to Jong Woo as if continuing a previous debate that they were having, even though Jong Woo was now ignoring him.

"Alright," When we were arriving Jong Woo had alerted us, and added, "Remember during the interviews with the press, all questions unrelated to work will be declined."

I nodded, while Chanyeol looked down, motionless.

I could tell what Jong Woo was referring to.

'Popular boy-group member in drama project along with ex-girlfriend rookie actress.' This rumour had been circulating for some time and thus one of the reasons why this drama is so talked about. Except Chanyeol never talked to us about it, and I almost forgot that in a while's time I'd be meeting Lee Hayeon.

But thankfully, Wu Yifan as one of the investors had told me that he would not be attending the event due to other commitments. That's one less thing to worry about.

I could only smile bitterly. Seems as though our industry was never so big after all. One project after another, somehow those with the complicated relationships could still end up working together. Like us.

I entered the venue with Park Chanyeol beside me. The flashings of cameras felt foreign to me suddenly due to my hiatus. I tilted my head to look beside me, the person beside me was smiling calmly as he waved towards the cameras. The playful Chanyeol rapping as we rode the car was now transformed into charming man who exuded confidence and pomp.

Somehow, a feeling of proudness bubbled in my heart.

My beloved Chanyeol, no matter how you are, you dazzle.

After we entered the holding hall, Chanyeol along with the other leads sat in centre of the first row while I sat with the production team behind them. They all seemed like remarkable people. Beside Chanyeol was the female lead in a fiery red gown and next to her was the supporting male lead, a rookie actor who had recently gained fame from his previous drama.

While Hayeon sat the furthest away from Chanyeol with those two people in between them.
The event had started with the main producers, talking about directing to the scripts. While my only interest in the event was Park Chanyeol, I secretly observed every movement of his.

When he heard of the interesting, he'd let out a wide grin and he'd also nod or clap in agreement occasionally. Elegant and polite he was.

Park Chanyeol and Lee Hayeon had no interaction with each other throughout the whole event. Even until the last segment, where the cast received questions from the reporters, the two stood far apart. I was somehow pulled to the side of the front row and handed a few microphones with the broadcasting stations' logos on them.

The questions commenced. It was the typical questions, 'How do you feel working with your co-star', 'what are your hopes for the broadcast ratings' etc. As expected, questions were asked about Chanyeol and Hayeon's rumours yet they were all avoided with not much trouble. Everything was going smooth.

Just when I thought it'd go on that way, a question was suddenly hurled at me.

"Can Byun Baekhyun answer this question? We heard that you've been resting all this while because of health problems. You're returning work is the OST for the drama, can I know what are your thoughts?"

"Uh," I was slightly taken aback by the abruptness of the question, "being able to be a part of this drama by contributing to the OST makes me very glad. The members helped me out a lot. And uh…please do support the drama as well as the song."

"One more question!" Another reporter carried on immediately afterwards, "Is it true that you are on good private terms with one of the sponsors of this drama, Mr Wu Yifan?"

I paused, shocked to hear Wu Yifan's name in the question.

"The paparazzi has caught the two of you out and about various times, we would like to know your response."

"Also this time, did you get to sing the OST through the help of Wu Yifan, milking off your close relationship?"

"Are you aware of these rumours of your relationship with Mr Wu?"

My thoughts were jumbled up as I was reminded of those 'deals' I had had with Wu Yifan.

Facing the sea of flashing lights and microphones, my heart dropped, it almost felt as it all those reporters were aware of all the dirty between us.

And most importantly, Chanyeol he…

I instinctively turned my head to see Chanyeol standing there stilly with a microphone in his hand. He appeared calm, yet detached.

"I am very sorry…but unrelated questions are declined." I had to arrange my emotions and pretend to be calm.

"But could you at least answer if you got the OST opportunity through the help of Wu Yifan!"

I opened my mouth, but I did not know what to say.

"This was all arranged by the company," Chanyeol suddenly spoke, "Please pay attention to the drama itself instead of these alleged rumours. Thank you."

He was still calm, not sparing one glance at me.

I was excused from the stage and returned to the dressing room.

My stomach contracted vigorously.

I placed my hand over it.

— Are you connected to my heart? How come you always match my emotions?

"I told them to find a few internal reporters to ask a few questions and write some minutes, but they insisted on the open questioning!" Jong Woo raged, "All the bullshit they ask! Hey, Baekhyun, are you alright?"

I nodded. Barely able to hear my own words, I asked, "…Do you have any warm water…"

Jong Woo realised the situation, "I'll get it right for you!"

Once he left, I tried to rub my stomach to ease the pain as I sat down on a sofa.

Soon after I heard the door open.

I thought it was Jong Woo with the warm water, but it was Park Chanyeol.

He was expressionless. With a turn of his hands, he had locked the door.

I stood up, looking at him anxiously.

"Hey, Byun Baekhyun."

"…Chanyeol."

"You've still been meeting with Wu Yifan?" He asked me with a frown.

"…Not often."

"You've met him, even after you left the hospital."

"….Yeah."

He suddenly came up towards me.

"Then why, didn't you tell me."

"I…"

"Was it!" He grabbed my shoulders, eyes turning cold and a little scary, "Was it when you told me you were out to see a friend, you met him!"

He took my silence as affirmation.

"Why did you lie to me?!"

Because I'd get scolded for the truth. I know I am at fault, I shouldn't have lied to you.
But please.
Please.
Please.
Please.

Please don't look at me like that. Please don't let me see the same old Chanyeol.

"…Chanyeol, please don't misunderstand, we just met up as friends…" I tried hard to explain.

Because of the urgency and the anxiety, my stomach felt like it was going to kill me.

"Friend?" He laughed dryly, "Well, I didn't know friends fucked each other!"

I did not know how to respond.

He seemed to be compressing his anger. His beautiful eyes no longer held a smile, but the same old menace.

"I am just so…fucking disappointed with you."

At last, he gripped my shoulders with large force and let go.

Then he turned and left, not sparing one glance to look back.

I fell back onto the sofa.

Disappointed, with you.

He said.

The pain lasted.

Even after two days, there were no exchange of words between us.

I felt extremely guilty, but I had no idea how to speak to him, afraid that any wrong word spoken might cause him more anger.

Moreover, he didn't want to see me, we barely come across each other at all in the day.

Even if we were together in the same location for whatever reason, he would never look at me.

Just when he stepped back and started to change, just when he started to spare me a little happiness and hope, I had pushed him away with my mistake.

I really fucking hate myself.

At a time like this, I got a phone call from Wu Yifan.

It was another afternoon with myself alone in the dorm. It made me anxious when I saw his name light up on my handphone screen.

I didn't want to pick up.

But maybe it was time I cut him off.

"Hello?"

"Hello. I've heard about it," He said yet he did not sound concerned at all, "You're worried right?"

I frowned, "From those articles they published, of course I'd be worried." The pictures taken from the past all surfaced with the articles, as if the questions took any response as confirmation.

After seeing various reports, one of the reporter's questions suddenly made sense: 'Are you aware of the various past rumours of Mr Wu Yifan?'

I found out the dirty of Wu Yifan's private life, there were past reports on his complicated relationship with men.

I cleared my throat, uncomfortable, "I'm not like you, boss of whatever you do. I'm a controlled puppet under someone else, I'm also a public figure, so yeah I'd be worried –"

"I'm worried too. My company stocks has been falling due to my image," Despite his words, his tone sounded light-hearted, "I bet what you're worried about is Park Chanyeol isn't it."

"I bet you're afraid he'll misunderstand."

"No…" Having my feeling revealed instantly made me feel deflated. I had to deny too.

"Oh yeah, there's a dinner event tonight, do you want to join me?"

"Hey," I called out in unhappiness, "Given the current situation, shouldn't we be more careful with our interactions?"

"I see you've became more courageous, talking to me like that," I could hear him smile,

"Alright then, don't come, Lee Hayeon will be there anyway, won't give you a reason to blame me for having to meet her."

I paused when I heard her name, "I warn you, don't do anything to –"

"I know I know," He was getting impatient, "How many times have you warned me, but I'm no longer interested in that girl."

"About us," He was finally serious, "I will think of something and discuss with you then. Don't worry."

"Alright," I looked down. Wu Yifan was a little rude and unreasonable, yet he'd always help me when I needed it, making me almost guilty for disliking him.

"Thank you." He said.

"You're welcome," I said before hanging up.

I threw my phone to the side and lay down on the bed, spacing off.

Just when things were getting better.

Maybe I was born with rotten luck.

My brain took no rest as thoughts continued to pop up in it, it was only then when I remembered of the check up I was supposed to have at the hospital tomorrow.

I gazed at the ceiling emptily, hand placing itself somewhere below my rib.

Please let everything get better.

26 – [Byun Baek Hyun] Leave me out with the waste

I jolt awake, upon a message alert.

How did I end up asleep? I looked at the watch on my wrists, it was already eight. I ruffled my hair and reached to check my phone.

Meet me at HS Street No. 49, gotta discuss something with you. Come fast
- Wu Yi Fan

I squinted my eyes, rereading the message a couple of times.

Wasn't he supposed to be at a business dinner? Why would he want to meet me all of a sudden?

I didn't want to go. Then I remembered he had told me he'd discuss with me once he thought of a solution. And so I had to go.

I got into a taxi and headed towards the location.

"Which shop exactly are we heading to?" The driver asked me.

"Number 49…" I checked the message, and looked out of the window again. Looking at the rows of shops, it looked like it would around here.

"Nevermind Sir, you can drop me off here."

I got off.

I've never been here before. I didn't even know such a street existed in Seoul. The place was rather deserted with little pedestrians, yet it was lit with obvious yet old-fashioned looking neon signboards, like a half-old lady with her make up thick of powder and rouge.

I couldn't understand why Wu Yifan would choose a place like this.

I observed the row of shops. There were none after the number in the 30s, yet there was a dark and narrow alley.

Why was there a place like this? Without much of a thought given, I braved into it.

The alley was like a crack in the city, surrounding it was a flurry of bright-lit vintage looking street lamps, but it was total darkness here.

I had thought that maybe if I crossed the alley I'd get to the shops with their number 40s as I continued forward. Then I saw a black sedan.

I paid no attention to the vehicle and continued forward. Just as I walked past the vehicle, it's door swung open. Out came 4 or 5 men. Before I could react, I was surrounded by them.

I panicked. I immediately hid it and cautiously, I asked, "Who are you?"

"You came pretty early huh." One of the men spoke in a deep voice. He grabbed my arm.

"What are you doing? Let me go!" I struggled.

From the corner of my eyes I saw someone with an object in his hands. It looked like a baseball bat. Before I could react, it was coming straight at me.

I felt the immense and heavy pain from the back of my head before losing conscious.

In the darkness of unconsciousness, there was no light, neither were there any stars.

The sudden pain that I was feeling was branching. From my fingertips, slowly to the rest of my body.

It was as if my sleeping cells had come alive, protesting and wreaking havoc with my bloodstream.

This was a nightmare.

But, reality was the real torture.

When my opened my eyes, my vision was fogged.

My brain was blank and I could not recall what had happened. I squinted my eyes, trying to take in my surroundings.

But there were men surrounding me. They were looking down at me from above.

As I lay on a foreign bed.

I looked to the place where I felt pain, it was my hand, drooping over the edge of the bed.

There was a cut and blood was dripping out of it. Drop by drop.

I wanted to lift my hand to observe the injury, yet I had no energy to do so.

…What is going on?...

"Sorry, we wanted to maintain your appearance for later on so we didn't splash cold water on you to wake you up. We didn't want to hurt you either." One of the men said.

My head pulsated with the pain as the memory of the alley came back to me.

"Who…who… are you?..." And where am I? Why don't I have any energy to move at all? Why is it that I can barely speak?

"Lets start." One of the men said. Suddenly, two of them approached me and started to rip my clothes off.

"…What…what are you doing?" I wanted to avoid them, but I had no energy to move, at all.
What the fuck is going on?

I couldn't think, and the man in front of me took out a camera.

Oh fuck no…

"No…no…p-p-please don't do this…"

Do anything to me, but please don't take the pictures, please …I can't have such pictures…I –

The hands were still working on my bare body, ignoring all my pleas.

As soon as all my clothes were off, the camera flashed a few times.

Afterwards, one of them unbuckled his belt and climbed on top of me.

What happened afterwards…I don't want to remember for the rest of my life.

All I could remember was pain. Pure pain. It was more excruciating than anything I have ever experienced.

I wanted to vomit as they stuffed their parts down my throat and I felt absolutely disgusted as they put their hands all over me.

There was also the camera flash.

I was at my breaking point. And nothing but tears came, and it was immediately wiped off roughly but one of their hands.

I wanted to scream, but all that came out of me was the gasps and groans of pain. I felt so dirty.

Why am I still alive.

I lost track of time as they continued on. I had no idea how long they had went on until they stopped.

I was barely conscious and all the pain seemed to have dulled my nerves.

"This is a message from someone: " One of the men said before they left, his hand gripping my chin, "'this was a present to satisfy you, don't go around again seducing men.'"

What does that mean?...I don't understand…

"…P-please…the pictures…I beg you, please don't…"I plead him again as I tried to pull on the hem of his shirt.

He only let out a cold laugh and swiped my hand away before leaving with the rest of the gang.

All of a sudden, I was the only one left in the dark room.

I felt my body slowly gaining energy again, yet it was still just a little. I pulled my shirt over to cover my body. Then I dragged myself out of bed, but the moment my feet touched the floor, my feet gave out and I fell to the floor.

The pain from my behind made me see black. And so I sat there on the floor for a while.

I noticed my phone some distance away, beside it lay an empty needle syringe, I finally realised why I was completely without energy just now.

I grit my teeth and crawled with much effort over to my phone. When I switched it on, there were over ten missed calls.

It was all from Park Chanyeol.

The next immediate second, my phone vibrated. His name was displayed on my phone screen again.

Chanyeol was calling again.

I panicked, not knowing what to do. After a while of hesitation, I answered the call.

"Hello…"

"Hey Byun Baekhyun! Why didn't you answer my phonecalls?" He shouted once I picked up.

The moment I heard his voice, I started to choke up.

"…Sorry, I didn't hear them." I tried my best to cover up my shaking voice.

Nothing came from his side, it seemed like he was trying to calm himself down as I heard loud breathing.

"Are you going to keep on ignoring me?" He finally spoke.

"No…I…"

"I admit, I was too harsh with my words." He tried to explain.

"N-No…I was wrong…" My tears fell and I immediately wiped them away.

"…Hey, are you crying?" He seemed to be able to tell from my voice.

"No…" I was desperately trying to hide my emotions.

"Don't cry…Sigh,"

"I really am not," I said before clearing my throat, yet the more he was talking to me, the more I could not stop myself from crying.

"Where are you?" He asked, "I'll come find you."

"Don't…" I panicked, "I'm – I'm at my parents' place."

"Why did you suddenly go back? You aren't lying to me right?"

"…No."

Why was he trying to console this horrible liar?

Sorry, Chanyeol. I'm so sorry for lying to you again.

Also, I really wish you were by my side right now.

I feel cold. The floor is cold. And I can't stand up.

Chanyeol, I miss you so fucking much. But I can't let you see this Byun Baekhyun.

His deep voice came from the phone again, "Don't lie to me again, do you hear me?"
I nodded to myself.

"Also, come back soon."

"…Got it…" My voice was shaking and my tears were falling again.

"Don't cry, really –"

I couldn't control my tears anymore and so I forced myself to end the call. Pulling my knees up to my face, I sat there as more tears came.

In my heart was darkness of despair and panic more than the night. And Chanyeol's awkward consolations made me feel even worse.

My phone was still vibrating in my hand, some were text alerts that just kept coming.

I forced myself to ignore it. I had to regain my composure.

After resting for a while, I stood up slowly with the help of a nearby cabinet. I looked around the room, it just seemed like some motel.

Supporting myself with the furniture, I made my way to the bathroom.

No matter how many times I washed myself, I still felt so disgusting.

I looked at the marks they left on my body as my brain replayed the moments from just now.
It was too fucking disgusting.

So disgusting that I really did threw up. My stomach wrenched, bringing pain to my abdomen.

I must look absolutely shagged.

What do I do.

So what do I do now?

Is it when the sun rises, those dirty pictures of me will be all over the internet?

Is it when the next day comes, everyone will start to look at me with disgust and disbelief?

Is it that, Chanyeol will start hating me again…

What do I do.

I stumbled out of the bathroom into the death house and saw my phone lying on the ground.

The light from the screen stood out awkwardly and blaringly in its dark surroundings.

It was Chanyeol's phonecalls and his continuous messages.

Hey! How dare you hang up on me!
Pick up! I need to talk to you!
Byun Baekhyun, pick up.
Pick up my call, now.
Seriously…you jerk. Why aren't you picking up? Is your phone out of battery? I'll tell you via text then.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Goodnight.

I felt my eyes moisten. I felt so shameful and weak.

Tilting my head and holding my tears back, I tried to arrange my emotions. I couldn't go back now looking like this. Maybe tomorrow.

I stood by the bed, not knowing what to do. I could not lie down and fall asleep. I shifted to the chair and sat down slowly, but the pain sent shivers down my spine.

I finally supported myself with the table. Whenever I closed my eyes, the horrifying image would come back again to grab me with its hands.

Somehow, I made it through the night.

…Was the sky brightening?

But my life could no longer.

27 – [Park Chanyeol] Lies

Byun Baekhyun was behaving weirdly ever since he came back from his parents'.

It was only the two days after I've last called him when he finally returned to our dorm.
"You're back."

I was watching television in the living room, and said that while trying not to look like I cared much.

"Yeah." He replied in a small voice as he walked past me with his head down into our shared bedroom.

Why was still trying to ignore me?

I did apologise yesterday.

"Hey…" I wanted to call him back to the living room, but Oh Sehun had to jump in at this time.

"Baekhyun-Hyung, there's a letter for you."

Baekhyun who was looking weary the whole time was immediately alerted, his head jolted up to look at Sehun. Almost as if a snatch, he took the envelope from Sehun's hands.

"…You…you didn't look at its contents right?"

Something was feeling off to me.

"…Uh haha, I did look in it," Sehun scratched his head and smiled sheepishly.

Hearing this, Baekhyun's expression turned stale.

"I-Its just a letter from a fan, it was in my pile of letters. I thought it was for me so I opened it up – sorry, Hyung."

"…Oh…it's okay." I could see the relief on Baekhyun's face. His hands drooped to his sides as he walked towards our bedroom.

"Hyung—" Oh Sehun still wanted to say something else to him, so he put his hand out to tap on Baekhyun's shoulder

The moment he tapped on Baekhyun, Baekhyun fell to the floor.

I froze, then rushed up to him and pushed Oh Sehun aside.

"What are you doing!" I shouted at him before picking the collapsed man off the ground.

Sehun was evidently afraid, he looked like he was about to cry. "I-I-I didn't do anything wrong!" He said as he carried Baekhyun with me into the bedroom.

Looking at Baekhyun weak and pale, I was feeling extreme pained.

I covered him with a blanket and placed my hand on his forehead.

"He's having a fever." Why was he sick? Wasn't he at his parents'?

"I-I-I- I'll go get the fever medicine!" I could tell Oh Sehun felt guilty. He went to get water and medicine.

I helped Baekhyun up to lean against my chest and put the medicine and water into his mouth. However, he could not swallow anything for all the water dripped out from the sides of his lips.

I helped him wipe the water away immediately and Oh Sehun just stood there, watching us.

"I don't think Baekhyun-Hyung can swallow the medicine." He reminded me carefully.

I threw him a glance, not bothering to respond to his words.

"He'll eat it later then," I put the medicine and water away. "Also, I don't know if he had food, he might get gastric pains again eating medicine on an empty stomach."

"Oh," Sehun nodded.

I slowly lowered the man in my arms back into his lying position. I was trying to be as gentle as I could since I did not know at all how to take care of someone sick.

It was then when I noticed something strange about his body.

On the ivory skin of his neck was a few faint pink-red marks.

I was clearer than anyone what it was.

As if someone had just thrown a pail of water on me, I felt drenched from to toe.

"Sehun, get out," I commanded.

Oh Sehun did not get my mood, "Hyung you are going to 'personally' feed Baekhyun-Hyung the medicine right?"

I was in no mood to joke around with him.

"Get out!" I shouted.

"Ok-ok." He seemed to be frightened by my sudden outburst, wasting no time to leave the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

I had no idea what I was feeling, I only knew that my hands were shaking as I reached them towards him.

I slowly took the collar of his shirt into my hand and pulled it down.

Near his chest, there were another two of those marks.

Something went bang in my brain. I felt like the last nerve I was holding onto was about to break.

His voice from last night appeared in my brain.

— Where are you? I'll go find you.
— Don't…I'm-I'm at my parents' place.
— Why did you suddenly go back? You aren't lying to me right?
— …No.

It was as if Byun Baekhyun in his state of unconsciousness felt something wrong, he frowned a little.

I thought you liked me.

Byun Baekhyun, I thought you liked me very very much.

Then why are you still mixing around with those other men?

Or was he Wu YiFan?

Was he a hundred times more gentle?

Or was he just as horrible, he let you return with a fever.

…ha. Fuck. The thought was driving me crazy. I wanted to kill that bastard.

And you too you rotten bastard. You lied to me again.

Do you even know? That I'm losing my sanity.

Because you, appearing in front me with marks of love from someone else is really driving me insane.

I didn't know how I ended up asleep by his bed, but I was jolted awake by a tiny movement from the person next to me.

I rubbed my eyes, judging from how the room was already dark, it was night time.

I saw him by the bed, holding the cup of water from the bedside table, and I also realised that a new piece of clothing was draped across my back.

"Go and sleep on the bed, you'll catch a cold." He looked at me as he spoke in his coarse and small voice.

"…No. What are you doing."

"I was about to get some hot water."

I said nothing and followed behind him into the kitchen.

He waddled a bit as he walked, and when he was about to lift the kettle, his slim wrist looked like it'd unable to.

"How was they stay at your parents?" I asked him softly.

He stopped drinking and lowered his eyes, avoiding any eye contact with me.

"Yeah…pretty good."

I nodded, "Great."

He did not continue the small talk and rinsed his cup instead. I walked up to him and hugged him from behind. I could feel his body freeze for a second.

Byun Baekhyun smelt good. So was it this same scent that drew those other men in? I lowered my head and nuzzled my nose against his neck, my hands roaming across his waist.
I am so in love with his body.

I put my lips next to his ears, and whispered, "Let's do it."

He didn't dare to move in my embrace, and upon hearing those words, I could sense him panic.

"I…I don't feel well enough for it." He said in a small voice.

"I don't care," I said before leaning in to plant kisses on his neck.

But I was immediately pushed away. Thrown off guard, I backed away a few steps.
His eyes were filled with panic and I was in disbelief.

What the hell was that? Was he declining me?

"Another day, please…I don't want it today."

"Was it too tiring yesterday then?" I asked him expressionlessly. I thought about how he hung up my phone call yesterday and how I even sent him a 'sorry' text.

I felt like a fool.

So when your voice shook it wasn't because you were crying huh.

Out of anger, I grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the bathroom.

"Don't make a sound," I warned him, "there are others still in this house."

He staggered his way into the bathroom, and out of obedience, he followed my instruction.

But what gave him away was his panicky and erratic breathing.

I locked the bathroom door and turned the shower head on, covering the sound that would be made soon.

I stripped him of his clothes and took him into my embrace, then I lowered my head to engage him in a kiss. It was mad lust.

His body temperature was still high from the fever and his lips were cracked and I knew he had no energy to push me away as he leaned limply against me.

I let go of his lips and started to unbuckle my belt but that was when I heard him speak in a quiet voice.

"Chanyeol…I-I'm cold." He was leaning naked against the cold bathroom wall while water droplets from his hair dripped down onto his face.

"Can you cover me with a shirt at least…" He plead between chattering teeth.

I watched him as my agitated heart calmed down.

Did he go get water to try to keep himself warm? After giving me his jacket?

— He wouldn't let me feel cold.

He always took care of me secretly, behind my sight. He's also here right now about to be put through pain. I knew he loved me.

What about me?

What the hell was I doing? The man's sick!

I snapped out of my thoughts and rushed to pick up his shirt that was thrown onto the floor, except it was already wet.

I took off my half-dry shirt and put it on him, and lifted his pants back up for him to wear it.
He was still shivering as he watched me with confusion.

Ignoring him, I grabbed a towel and dried his hair with it, thankfully his hair wasn't soaked.

Afterwards, I pulled him into a hug, my bare chest against him.

"Let's stay like this for a while more."

I wanted to make him feel warmer but he still continued shivering.

"Go back to the room and rest." I let him go.

"…" He watched me, puzzled, "What about you?" He eyed my loin.

"I can manage," I kissed his burning forehead and pushed him out of the bathroom.
Suddenly, I couldn't bear to cause him harm.

A week later, we had another group schedule for the first time in months.

Kyungsoo was having a mini concert and we were there as guests to perform one of our songs. Everyone was excited, since it's been such a long time.

Except Baekhyun.

After he has recovered, he became much more quiet and I'd notice him gazing into space by himself. I had no clue what he was thinking about. He never left the house, and he ate very little. I even thought he had insomnia —Some days when I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd hear his soft sighs.

Was he alright?

— "Is he alright?"

Luhan Hyung would ask me that too as he eyed me with suspicion.

"I don't know," I frowned, "Don't look at me like that, I don't think it was because of me."

"Did you speak to him about it?"

"Yea, I did. But you know how he is."

When I asked him "What's wrong?" , he'd reply me with "I'm fine". It was like a drill.

Both of us were having the conversation in the car, and when Baekhyun got in, Luhan spoke to him.

"How did it feel like to be under the sun?" Luhan Hyung wanted to tease him, "It's been weeks since you left the house."

Baekhyun only smiled uncomfortably in response.

I looked at him, he was looking down and silent the whole time. It made me uncomfortable.

I want to know what you're thinking.

Your every single thought. Why you're unhappy.

I want to know.

When the car arrived at the venue, the fans were all outside waiting for us.

Upon alighting, we walked as fast as we could into the building.

Its been ages since the fans last saw us as a whole and they were frantic, screaming while their best to get a picture for us. If not for the security, they would have mobbed.

I saw Baekhyun's expression from the corner of my eye. He was stiff. He was probably not used to this.

The moment we stepped onto the stage and saw the fans' cameras, we transformed.

I felt rays of light lit up behind us.

As the fans screamed, I felt a little gasp beside me. Out of some sort of panic, I felt Baekhyun grab my arm.

"What's wrong?" I was a little shaken and turned to look at him and saw sweat dripping from his forehead.

"You don't feel well?" I asked him.

He looked at me and as said the default, "…I'm fine."

— Again.

I felt as if I were being toyed around. What the fuck was I worrying for him like a fool.

"Don't – focus." I frowned and told him.

"I'm sorry," He lowered his head and said softly.

Baekhyun's performance was the first amongst us after Kyungsoo. He only had one song to perform and it was the one he sang for my drama's soundtrack. For his stage there would be a tall chair that Baekhyun would sit on – holding a rose, while the dancers would do a slow and fluid dance. The song was about a pair of lovers about to separate.

The way he looked on stage as he raised his hand to touch his ear piece before lowering his head was beautiful.

I was stunned as I watched from downstage.

He closed his eyes and started to sing.

You don't know.
Why I'm laughing yet I cry.
Even if you knew, you wouldn't understand.
Because you're always looking somewhere else.
You can call me, I think I understand
I hear the wind too
my heart
I need you I love you
I can't say goodbye
Without my permission.
You come into my heart all day.
I need you I love you
I can't stop
The day the ocean waves at dawn stop
Only then, I'll stop
you know
Always alone
days feel like the approaching night.
In the brief moment when our eyes somehow meet,
When it pasts
I get annoyed
I fall asleep alone.
I need you I love you
I can't say goodbye
All my thoughts
Are directed towards you
I need you I love you
I can't change
The tears in my eyes.
When they change colour
I'll change my mind.

Song: If – Naby (rough translation)

The song ended and all the staff clapped.

He bowed and looked down the stage to get instructions from the staff.

I walked towards him and gestured him to come towards me. He jogged over and bent down to look at me from the edge of the stage.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

I looked up at him, seeing how the light from the stage form a halo of soft glow around him. His face was soaked in the dreamy glow.

I smiled and reached my hand towards him. He was dazed for a moment, and when he realised, he handed me the rose, looking rather unsure.

"Thank you Baekhyun Oppa ~" I called him that jokingly.

He smiled, eyes forming crescents.

"You look really good when you smile," I raised my hand and hit his head gently with the rose, "remember to be happy."

But my words seemed to have dampened his smile.

"Yea, I know."