"Who's your owner, little puppy?" Asked Lily Evans, who was rubbing a very large, black and shaggy dog on the stomach, she had a rather large smile on her face, and the rather large, black and shaggy dog seemed to be extremely amused.
"That's my dog!" Yelled James, taking a dive and making himself a physical barrier between Lily and the dog, as if it was morally wrong for them to have contact.
"And because it's your dog I can't touch it?" Said Lily, her tone suggested that she was annoyed and confused. This is because she was annoyed and confused.
"Just imagine the dog like a guy…" Suggested James, who was cringing at the thought of if Lily found out that Sirius was the dog, she wouldn't be very impressed considering that she had been rubbing the Sirius's stomach for the past few minutes.
"I'm not following." Lily crossed her arms.
"Well, for example, just imagine if the dog was your friend… like if the dog was Sirius." It was obvious that James was on the verge of spontaneous combustion.
"Black isn't my friend."
Sirius whimpered and nudged Lily's leg with his muzzle, Lily ruffled her hands through the dog's hair around his ears reassuringly.
"Okay, so what you just did, touching Sir- the dog, on the head, that's good, because it's something that socially and morally acceptable. You touching the dog on its stomach like that is not something you would do to a friend. Do you follow me now?"
"Nope." Lily's lips popped, she was just taking the mickey out of James now.
"You don't touch the dog like a lover." Simplified James, speaking slower than usual.
"But this dog isn't my lover, it's a dog, James."
"This dog is probably capable of being your lover, though I don't think this dog likes your team…" James would have really liked someone to shoot him now.
"James, this is a dog, they have intercourse for survival, they don't really have the genetics or environmental stuff to allow them to be gay, because then they would die out." Lily shook her head.
"Oh but I'm sure this dog has anther furry lover running about." Why did James have to open his mouth in the first place, why? Ignorance is bliss, after all. And what Lily didn't know wouldn't have hurt her.
"Show me where you don't want to touch the dog." Grinned Lily, a little too amused at the look of strain on James's face.
"I thought you knew not to touch the dog like a lover." Protested James.
"I do, I just want you to show me where I shouldn't touch the dog, just so I know for sure."
James's eyes widened like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car. With a shaking hand, he put his hand on the dog's inner thigh. "See, don't touch him here," his hand moved to the dogs feet. " or here, you don't know what sort of sick kinks this dog has." The dog coughed out a sound that was neither bark or laugh. "Or here, here, here, here and here." James put his hand on the dogs neck, lower back, outer thigh, neck, and lower and upper stomach. "Because you can never be too sure."
"That's good to know." Lily stood up and began to walk away.
"Now where the bloody hell are you going?" Called James.
"I thought you and your dog needed a little time alone…" Replied Lily, laughing madly as she walked back up to the castle from the Quidditch Pitch.
James nearly threw himself off the Astronomy Tower that day, and was muttering "What has been seen and been experienced cannot be erased." for weeks afterwards. Sirius (and Remus and Peter) thought it was bloody hilarious, on the other hand.