31 [Park Chanyeol] Virus
When I gently pushed open the door, he was sitting quietly on the hospital bed. He heard the sound of someone entering and turned to look. When he saw that it was me, he turned away to face the window.
His silent rejection was a dragging wound across my heart.
I closed the door behind me and leaned on it.
"Baekhyun…" I called out softly.
"Baekhyun, I've got a cold," I felt like I was speaking to myself, "and I think its viral."
I watched him lower his eyes, his face was full of silent sadness.
"They told me your body is weak, so if I go near, I may infect you."
I leaned my head back against the door, forcing a small smile as I tried to act like we were just having a normal conversation.
Finally, he turned to face me, face still.
In this hospital ward, we were separated by some distance, it felt more than mere space. The distance was filled with times of misunderstanding, and all the ups and downs in between.
They seemed to be all splayed out before me in this space between us.
It wasn't much a distance but it felt a terrain to me, full of obstacles that I couldn't climb over.
You probably don't know, how much I want to hold you in my arms right now, do all that I can to give you the warmth and affection you deserve.
But I felt like a body of virus, only hurting you if I got close.
"Before I recover, I can't be near you."
I could see his eyes softening.
"Don't forgive me, Baekhyun."
He looked down again, breaking eye contact with me.
"And don't like me again."
Before I am fit and deserving for your love – your love that was as much as your life, don't fall for me.
"Let me be the one, to win you over."
I saw his thin body freeze, and he pressed his lips together.
"It's my turn to be good to you, to take care of you."
They weren't words that I've thought about before, but it was all spilling out following the "viral cold" lines.
"Let me be the one to love you."
I smiled softly to myself.
"Don't say yes too fast. It's best that you reject me first."
He turned away, as if he couldn't bear to listen.
"But in the end, you have to accept me, take me in."
The sky was veiled with darkness outside. But tomorrow, it must be bright again.
"Because, I am in love with you."
Finally, he looked like he could no longer take it and his shoulders started to trembled.
He appeared so small.
I really want to hug him.
How long have you waited, for me to finally say it.
You waited, till your body was fully wounded and scarred, till your heart was cold, till this summer solstice where all the flowers have withered only to never bloom again.
"…..Don't cry…Baekhyun-ah…"
His sudden tears had me not knowing what to do, I could not go on with what I wanted to say. I didn't dare to go up to hug him, but I couldn't bear to watch him cry like this.
Don't let the tears fall. It's not worth it, for a man like me.
He was trying hard to control himself, gently wiping his tears off.
I could not hold myself back, walking up to him, I wanted to hold him.
"Don't…Don't come near."
"…Baekhyun."
"You're ill."
"I—"
"So, don't come close."
Not once did he look me in the face.
I watched him helplessly, he was right before me but I couldn't touch him even if I reached for him.
— Too far.
The next day when I went to see him, there were some staff and Tae Shin Hyung was there too.
It was out of the ordinary to see such a crowd in the usually empty ward.
The coordis were shifting around, arranging their equipment while Tae Shin Hyung was on the phone.
While that person, was sitting silently, reading off a piece of paper in his hand. It must be his official statement that he has to make later at the press conference.
I had called Tae Shin Hyung the previous day. Despite the fact that I was fuming with anger at the cruel decision of the company, I tried hard to beg him, ask him not to let Baekhyun attend that conference. If he had to, let it be at a later date, when he heals.
I was wholly rejected.
"The situation is complicated, the more we drag, the harder it gets. We can't let this affect the group's following plans. You stay out of this, it was Baekhyun's wish too anyway. He felt sorry too, he didn't want to burden the rest of you. That's why he wanted to quickly end this too."
What sorry? When have you ever done anything to sorry us?
It's this world that owes you too much.
I watched him who was silent all this time, heart aching even more.
The coordis started to do his make up. Trying every powder, cream and tool to make him look healthier and brighter.
"Ah, this is such a pain." I heard one of them complain. She was trying hard to cover up a blue mark on his face with a brush. And I could see Baekhyun wince at the pain.
Not giving a care in world, I hit you. Now people are all around you, trying to cover your wounds instead of healing them, so they could push you out in front to the world, so you could smile and laugh and act as if everything was normal.
They even wanted to tear away the bandage around your wrist and replace it with a watch to hide your cuts. It was thanks to the doctor who stopped them that shielded you from the pain.
But in turn, he would have to wear a long sleeved shirt, to avoid attention to his arm and hide from the judging eyes of the world.
He was always silent, not once complaining throughout the whole ordeal.
As if he had lost all hope and trust in the world.
Tae Shin was evidently unhappy, "Don't know what the bunch of you were thinking!" He scolded, after seeing how all that make up was insufficient to fully hide Baekhyun's bruises.
"You guys are idols! And you choose to go for the face? Luhan too! That brat is a trouble maker, how are you going to film your drama with that big bruise on your face!" Tae Shin Hyung directed at me.
I let him rant, all I could see was that person.
"Baekhyun," I called for him in a low voice.
His vision swayed from the paper, but he never looked at me.
"Must you really go."
He did not reply.
"Baekhyun," I called again.
He finally put the paper down, a sigh leaving his lips.
"Don't care about me."
Before I could say anything, Tae Shin Hyung cut in, "Yeah! Mind your own business. Tonight Jong Woo will bring you to dinner with your new director, get yourself prepared."
I frowned, "Why do I have to go to this dinner?"
"You've been holding their production up with all this crap and now you've even gotten yourself a mark on your face, the least you could do is make it up to them!"
I was silent, no longer asking questions about the boring dinner that was to come.
"Have you really decided?" I asked as I watched Baekhyun.
He nodded.
I've forced you so much before, I should respect your decision.
But if I had known this is what it'd come to, even if I had to kidnap you and run away to escape this fucked up world, I'd still do it.
"There has been quite some hold up. The rest of the crew are out of the country to film, we couldn't wait for you, neither could we just ask them to come back. Big celebrities like you can be so troublesome."
The fat man in front of me continued to down more alcohol, finishing the contents in his glass, one shot. Jong Woo who was next to me gave me a nudge, and I immediately poured him a refill.
"Sorry director, we had some issues that came up, anyway with Chanyeol looking like this, he can't be on screen immediately." Jong Woo was trying to wrap it up. Throughout the dinner, he never stopped accidentally brushing his forearm against mine.
"Yeah, sorry director," I said, less than willing. My heart was somewhere else.
Wonder how Baekhyun is doing right now.
"It's ok, we'll just start tomorrow."
"Thank you director!" Jong Woo held up his cup to toast him, naturally I had to join in.
The glass knocked against each other to make a loud noise, the yellowy liquid within swished about.
For the rest of the night, I continued to drink with the rest of the crew and the director, finally excusing myself to the bathroom where I vomited into the toilet.
After that, my brain felt a lot less cloudy, but it was starting to hurt even more.
I leaned against the bathroom door, and there was only one thought in my mind. Under the influence of alcohol, the world suddenly seemed to be much more crisp and obvious, no strings attached to everything.
I fumbled to take out my phone but every word I typed was clear in my brain.
"Lets break up."
Word by word, I keyed it in.
And I sent it to Ha Yeon.
When I pressed the button, I felt my troubled heart calming down.
The guilt and responsibilities behind those words were thrown wholly behind my head.
So I am a selfish person, only ever thinking about my own happiness.
In my whole mind, no, even my whole heart, was Byun Baekhyun.
I'll be selfish then, I'll just stay by you, only ever look at you and take care of you.
Only ever loving you.
I leaned there, eyes empty for a while before finally deciding to return. Before I could place my phone back into my pocket, it started to vibrate.
I had predicted it to be Ha Yeon, but it was Tae Shin Hyung.
"Hyung," I picked up.
"Chanyeol, is Baekhyun with you?" Tae Shin asked, urgency in his voice.
I froze, my mind immediately coming to focus, "No, I'm at the dinner. What's happening?"
"Shit, he's not there?" Tae Shin sounded frustrated, and that made me panic.
"What's happening!"
"Baekhyun! He's disappeared!"
e)(o
32 [Byun Baek Hyun] Bucheon
I've escaped.
I want to go somewhere, somewhere with light.
But right now, I have to hide myself, in a dark corner so nobody will notice that I've gone.
I can't be seen, I can't be found.
e)(o
When I ran out of the waiting room, the sky outside was already dark.
I was sprinting as fast as I could, before anyone could recognise me, I had to get away.
I could not see what was before me, and there were no sign boards to lead me.
So I have to go back into the darkness.
I thought to myself.
I hurriedly flagged down a cab. When the driver asked me where to, I was taken aback.
"Just…drive, anywhere. Please."
The driver gave me a strange look from the mirror before he started to drive.
I watched the streets, lights and people speed past outside the window, it was something about the small space in the car that gave me security.
"Sir, could you drive to Bucheon?"
"Where's that?"
Bucheon was never a big city, naturally he seemed unfamiliar with it.
"It's in Gyeonggi-do."
"Are you kidding with me? That's too far."
"Could you send me to a bus station then?"
"Well that's more reasonable."
He drove me to a rather run-down tour bus station that I've never been to. Most buses go to the city or small towns nearby but there weren't much people at this late hour. Or maybe because the buses were frequent that people didn't have to wait long.
I cautiously made my way into the station, seeing that the worker at the ticketing counter was a young girl, I was worried. So I had to approach a janitor and begged him to help me buy a ticket to Bucheon.
It was only then when I could have my emotions sorted out, carefully plotting the next steps to my escape.
Two hours later, I was on the tour bus. With my head leaned against the window, I watched the city lights zoom past and disappear behind me. It was only then when I realised, that I was truly leaving.
Seoul was slowly getting further away.
Once, I tried to leave this world too, but the Heavens had made me stay.
Thinking back, it was actually you that saved me, Chanyeol.
It was already almost eleven. I knew that glitzy city behind me was still very much alive and awake. But I hope my Chanyeol was resting and asleep.
So it turns out that I can't stay to wait for your cold to heal. Once, I stuck grudgingly to you despite all that fear and anxiety, but today, I am escaping, like a coward.
Your confession was way too bright, like an untouchable light. Along with your entire world, it was too brilliant for me to go near.
There would be too much difficulties.
So I think its time to give up.
Now everything out was dark. Speeding down the highway, I could see soft lights from the villages under, but there was dead silence.
The future seemed to hold a transformative journey.
What directions lead ahead? And what are the twists on this path?
I'm going to hide in my memories. Run in the woods of my dreams as I once have as a child.
The village I was heading for seemed as if it was a land that was at peace, sleeping, it felt as if I'd disrupt it just by stepping foot on it.
In the dark night, I was walking slowly.
I've been here, and I've probably walked this path a thousand times, but those memories felt so distant, as it they were centuries ago.
Thankfully, Bucheon was not big, but when I found the house number 35, it was already 2 in the morning.
The house looked different from the image in my memory. In my faded and yellowing memory, it was Aunt who was holding my hand, bringing me to this door.
"Baekhyun-ah, don't get lost, remember this is where we stay. Number 35."
The life that I have been living, the one under the spotlight, on the stage, seemed to have been completely ripped out from me, I was returning to a time before that. My heart felt calm, but empty.
I sat down against the door. The summer breeze was cooling, but for some reason, I was feeling cold.
Out of exhaustion, I felt myself enter into deep sleep.
e)(o
I seemed to have forgotten many details about summer.
The cicada's cry, the dense grass, and the heat vapour that rose from the earth, it felt as if every droplet held a life that was youthful and pulsating.
They spoke to me, hey, wake up.
- Summer was at it's peak.
I felt like I was finally getting to know this season again after a long time.
"Hey, wake up."
Was someone calling me?
"Hey, wake up!"
I felt a hand nudge me.
I lifted my head up with my arm over my head, trying to block out the scorching sunlight that was shining down. Against the light, a dark figure of a person was standing over me.
His skin under the radiant light was tan and glowing, the lines and curves of muscle spread to form the image of a tall teenager.
He was dragging a suitcase behind him, when he saw my face, he was thoroughly shocked.
"…Baekhyun Hyung?"
"Jongin…" I tried my best to smile. When I stood my vision went out for a moment, and I immediately grabbed onto the door to balance myself.
"Hyung, why…why are you here?" He asked while looking at me strangely, he was still evidently shocked from my sudden appearance.
"I…" I didn't know how to start.
"Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"Uh…."
"Let's go."
"Huh?"
"Get in the house," He smiled at me, "since you're already here."
He opened the door and led me across the front porch.
"Ma, I'm back." He called out as he walked into the house.
A middle aged woman quickly came out of the rooms to welcome him in.
"Jongin-ah –" Before she could finish her sentence, she saw me next to him.
"Aunt." I quickly bowed and greeted her. After so many years of being apart, me appearing just like this, must not be a welcoming sight.
She froze for a moment, a frown on her face.
"What brings you here?"
"I…I uh…"
Jongin cut in, seeing that I was evidently at a loss for words.
"Baekhyun Hyung is currently having some troubles, you know how things are out there. Just let him stay here for a bit."
"We can't hide a celebrity here, all that mess happens and you decide to come here, what if the neighbours know I have you as my nephew? How embarrassing!"
…So they know it.
Her words made me feel more helpless.
As expected, wherever I went, I only brought trouble to people.
"Ma!" Jongin was frustrated.
"I'm sorry, I – I think I'll just –" Before I could go on about leaving, Jongin spoke.
"I brought him home. I met him in Seoul, it was I who told him to follow me home for a hiding place."
"Jongin–"
"You –" Aunt looked at him with furiousness.
"So, if you don't want him to stay, I'll return with him to Seoul." He said, hand tightening around mine.
With this little threat, I was allowed to stay in the end.
But I knew, that I was never welcome here.
"It's revision week at school so I thought I'd just come back to visit," He spoke to me as he arranged his closet, "Hyung did you sleep outside the whole night?"
"Yeah," I nodded.
"No wonder, you look terribly pale." He walked up to me and placed some clothes in my hand, "Go take a bath, then get some rest. At night I'll bring you around Bucheon. It's been long since you've last been here, many things have changed."
I watched the teenager smile, radiating with energy.
"Thank you." I smiled back.
"You don't need to be so polite with me," He smiled shyly while looking down at the clothes in my hand, one hand of his scratching the back of his head.
"Hyung, you're hurt?" He pulled my hand towards himself, wanting to look at the bandages, but I pulled back immediately.
"It was just an accident, nothing much."
He pressed his lips together, not saying anything.
I didn't know how much he believed me.
M-One member Byun Baekhyun caught in intimate relationships with men, rumoured to have unsightly photos, leading to an attempted suicide.
That's probably what the news has to say about me. Even if I never bothered to check the internet, I was vaguely aware of what the world knew and thought about me.
But then again, in this small village town, most people probably don't even know who on earth Byun Baekhyun was. But to people related to me, the news must have caught on some how.
"…Hyung."
After some moments of silence, he called me like that.
"Huh."
"You've been having hard times right."
"…No."
"All these years, we've been out of touch, unless Hyung was really out of options, you wouldn't choose to come here."
His words made me feel slightly uneasy.
"Sorry…"
"No, Hyung, please don't apologise. I'm still glad that you think of Bucheon," He paused, then continued, "Since it was all too hard, then don't go back. We used to…when we were young, we had so much fun here."
I looked at him, his eyes were filled with sincerity.
"Why are you bringing all these up," I smiled and gave him a pat.
He returned the smile, "Just think of me as your fan."
"Fan…Haha."
"Yeah, you know, like how they say they're always 'looking over you'."
e)(o
I sat on the stone steps, mind wandering off as I gazed at the trees opposite me.
The sunlight that leaked through the gaps of the leaves landed on the wall behind me, forming dots of bright spots. I didn't know why, but they reminded me of the lights that shone down on me once, when I was still performing on stage. While the cicada's cry seemed to turn into the screams and cheers of those under the stage.
When I looked back at the past few days, everything felt like a dream.
My phone has been switched off since the first night when it ran out of battery, and I never watched television or read the news. Over here, apart from Aunt and her family, no one else knew who I was.
How long more?
One week to calm the whole mess of a situation.
One month, to let all the rumours surrounding me disappear.
One year, to let the world forgive me.
One decade, to turn me into a brand new person.
In a world without you, I'll turn into someone you won't recognise, and go on with this life.
But the thing is, I don't know if I can wait till then.
I looked down and saw the remaining blood stains on my deep blue shirt, I reached towards the darkened spot and rubbed the cloth between my fingers.
I smiled bitterly, thinking back to this morning when I was suddenly nauseous, it made me vomit in the toilet. And there it was, red in the basin.
It's been long since I last took notice of the problem with my stomach.
"Baekhyun Hyung!"
Jongin's voice broke my thoughts, I turned to see him walk out of the house, sitting down beside me.
"Want one?" He held out a can of chilled soda to me.
My mind felt cluttered and heavy and I longed for something cold to wake me up from this daze.
Before I could take it from him, he pulled it away.
"Ah I forgot that you can't drink cold things, your stomach can't handle it."
"Oh…"
"But you can't even have a cold drink under such a hot weather, must feel really stuffy, am I right?"
"It's not that bad," I replied, "I don't really find it hot today."
"I read it in the news, today's temperature is a record high," He turned to look at me, slightly worried.
"Hyung are you feeling unwell?"
"No…"
"Then why do you look so pale," He said as he held a free hand up to my forehead.
He was immediately set off, "Oh shit! You're having a fever!" He shot up out of concern and immediately sat back down beside me.
"…I'll be fine." I watched his clumsy moves, and they made me want to laugh.
I was only feeling a little energy-drained, there should not be much of a problem.
"Quick, go in and lie down!" He tried to help me up.
"I'm sitting here because I've been lying down for too long…"
"No, you must rest," He said, all serious. I continued to stay in my sitting position, way too lazy to move, but seeing his hands reach for me as if he wanted to carry me, I stood up immediately.
"Slowly, slowly…" He held me who was slightly out of balance back into the house.
I lay in bed, watching Jongin as he dashed in and out of the room, delivering medicine and water. My heart was filled with a sense of warmth that I have not felt in a long while.
"I'm fine, don't tire yourself."
"All you know to do is to say that."
He walked towards me, sitting at the side of the bed and placed a wet towel on my forehead.
"Did you not rest well these days?" He asked with concern, "How could you have fallen sick."
Watching him silently, I did not reply.
"Jongin-ah, why are you so good to me," I asked him, but my voice was soft as if it was just words to myself.
"Because I like Hyung," He said softly, "When I was young you brought me everywhere to play, now that I've grown up, you're not around anymore, but when I see you on stage…you're so radiant."
"There's no way to not like you."
He sensed my hesitation to speak, and immediately continued, "Don't misunderstand, I don't mean that…already told you haven't I, that I'm your fan."
"Thank you," I lowered my eyes, staring at his hand as he reached out to hold mine.
"But I'm not someone that deserves to be liked."
"Who says? I like you a lot."
I smiled at him.
It is this youth in Bucheon, that has feelings as straight forward as the unbreakable sun beam.
Really, thank you so much, Jongin-ah.
Once I've hoped to be cared, loved for and cherished by someone like this.
But it seems that it can't be if its not that person.
–– Park Chanyeol. It can't be, if its not you.