33 [Byun Baekhyun] Thank God I met you

That day, my fever rose all of a sudden and remained high for the next two days. Jongin brought me to the hospital where we learnt that the cut wounds on my wrist were infected.

I've not removed the wound dressing, and given the hot weather, the infection made perfect sense.

"When was this from?"

"…Maybe, two weeks ago?"

We were sitting in a small clinic and a young doctor was attending to my wounds. Jongin stood beside me, watching.

When the doctor removed the bandage, I felt Jongin's hand on my shoulder tighten.

The ghastly-looking wound scared me, but what I felt more was unease – anyone could tell what caused such a wound.

"Tsk, at such a young age," I heard the doctor mumble.

"Does it hurt?" Jongin bent down to ask me.

I shook my head, too tired to speak. My throat was burning and my head felt heavy and like it was about to burst any moment.

To be truthful, it didn't hurt much, but the gore and ugly cut reminded me of my unpleasant past.

I heard Jongin sigh.

"It's my fault, if I had known earlier, you wouldn't have fallen sick."

I lifted my head to look at him, wanting to tell him otherwise, but just doing so took all the energy I could muster.

"That's nonsense, I'm fine."

He did not reply. Pressing his lips tightly together, he looked worried and sad.

After some time, I was hooked onto an IV drip.

"Don't forget to call your mother, she doesn't know you came out today." I reminded Jongin.

Staying quiet all this while, Jongin just responded with a slight nod.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the bed frame. It took a while before he spoke.

"Hyung, am I stupid?"

I opened my eyes to glance at him, "No?"

"I don't know anything about how you've been."

I wasn't too fond on the topic about the past.

"There's not much to know," I told him as I shut my eyes again.

After some time, I felt him sit down on the bed next to me, and he pulled me into an embrace.
I was too tired to protest, so I just let him.

"Baekhyun Hyung, remember, I'm your biggest fan."

"…Alright." About to fall asleep, I heard his deep voice, still containing a slight amount of immaturity.

"I promised to guard you."

"…Yeah." Out of exhaustion, I could not reply more.

"And I really do like you."

…

Silly child.

e)(o

The trees covered us from the Sun.

The teenager was guiding me forward, down the forest path.

I let my hands brush against the leaves and branches of the bushes around us.

I could feel the grass, pebbles, and the insects that dove down into their holes in the soil.

—Do I still remember this place?

The road to the top of the hill was slightly difficult to me. Just as I was close to losing all my energy, the view started to broaden.

I could feel myself getting tired, and all it took was a small hill.

"We're here."

I felt the warmth disappear from my hands as he let go. It was only then when I realised that he had been holding my hand the entire way up to the top of the hill.

Was I finally becoming less afraid of touching people?

Or maybe it was because I was certain that the person in front of me could do me no harm.

"Hyung, are you feeling fine?" He turned around to ask, "After all, you've only just recovered."

I was panting a little, so I just waved my hands at him to signal that I was feeling fine.

With a bit of rest, I continued to walk forward.

"This place looks exactly like how I've remembered it to be." With my hand shielding my eyes, I looked around at the scenery from the top of the hill.

I could see an ocean — but that's just what they call it, in reality, the endless water was just a wide stretch of river.

"Right? This may be the only place that has stayed the same in Bucheon."

With his hands on his waist, Jongin looked out into the distance.

"Those crabs that we used to catch, are they still there?"

He turned around to look at me and flashed me a smile while looking at me for a long time. Just as I was about to turn away, he spoke.

"We could go to the beach and see for ourselves."

"Ok." I agreed.

I felt my hand being gripped. I wanted to pull my hand away but he tightened his hold.

"Jongin…"

But he looked perfectly comfortable as if everything was fine.

"It feels like a dream, right now. To be able to stand here with you, it feels like I'm in a dream."

It was breezy atop the hill, with a certain dampness in the air. The t-shirt stuck to my body due to the sweat, accompanied by the breeze, it felt particularly cooling.

I did not know how to reply.

He suddenly realised that I was uncomfortable. Smiling, he suggested, "Ok I'll stop, let's sit for a while."

He pulled me to sit down on a large rock.

"You're going back to school tomorrow?"

"No, the day after that. I'm taking exams. But only for three days. Wait for me Hyung, I'll be back after three days."

"Alright."

He turned to look at me and patted my hair with a grin.

"Hey!" I ducked away.

"You always let me have my way," the stopped giggling, but he was still smiling.

"…Yeah."

I am way past my carefree days but I knew to still be appreciative.

I'll always be grateful towards Jongin.

e)(o

Noon time.

I stared at the spicy dish and the bowl of undercooked rice in front of me and slowly put down my chopsticks.

"Sorry, I- I can't have this…"

I was about to stand up to return to my room when I heard the loud slamming of chopsticks onto the table.

"You expect superstar treatment in this house? I'm letting you live here but you are being so bratty?"

I sat down, not daring to reply her.

"Mom, Baekhyun-hyung has gastric issues, he can't eat this much spice." Jongin was trying to explain.

"So what? I'm supposed to cook him another table of food for himself?" She looked at him, bewildered.

"That's not what I meant, just…Mom could you be more considerate for his condition?"

…I was causing trouble.

"Sorry," I apologised, "I was wrong, I'll eat."

"Hyung, don't force yourself."

"No, I'm not."

"Fine, if you don't want to eat then don't," Aunt glared at me.

Just as I was about to eat, Jongin bolted up.

He grabbed my hand.

"Hyung, we'll go eat outside." He showed no expression and his tone was calm.

"Jongin!" I called him as quiet as I could, "just eat at home!"

This time, Aunt had slammed her chopsticks with greater force.

"Get out then! Go eat your good food! What home? This isn't even your home!"

Jongin ignored her shouts and dragged me out of the house.

I was being pulled away forcefully and turned around to bow to her apologetically.

I was taken to a noodle restaurant, and Jongin got us a bowl of piping hot beef noodles each.

"This is pretty simple, just try to eat what you can," Jongin told me as he handed me a pair of chopsticks.

"It really wasn't because the dishes were simple, I-"

"Of course," He smiled, "Sorry about my mother, sometimes she…"

"No, I'd be mad if I were in her shoes."

I stirred the noodles but felt no appetite come to me.

"When I leave, how are you going to cope?"

"Am I really that helpless to you?"

"No, I'm worried about how my mother will be-"

"Don't worry. She treats me well, she's just harsh with her words," I watched his sunken expression, "Next time, don't go against her."

"I did not…"

"Be a good boy," I knocked his bowl with my chopsticks, "Start eating, you haven't ate much."

"Actually, I really wanted you to come to campus with me, but you probably don't want to go back to Seoul."

I froze.

He noticed, and immediately continued, "I'm just saying," trying to change the mood.

"If only you could shrink so I could carry you around in my pocket."

"That'd be so weird," I eyed him, "like a miniature toy?"

"Well I actually do have one," He took out his keys and waved them in front of my eyes.

I saw he had a key ring that was attached to a tiny figurine. I stared hard, only to realise it was a merchandise key chain of me.

"It came with the first album." He sounded proud.

"First album…" I smiled, "The 'Follow you through to heaven' era?"

"I love that song! That was when you guys…" He spoke with excitement but then he paused as if he had just been reminded of something, "…Eat your noodles. Haha, eat your noodles."

"What about us?" I asked him, trying to keep him happy.

"Nothing."

"So you like that song."

"Not anymore."

"Huh? Why?"

"Anything that makes you unhappy, I dislike." He told me, all serious.

He was stirring his noodles again and I could tell that they were just mindless motions.

I was taken aback for a moment, but I immediately followed it with a smile.

A boy like Jongin, must be very thoughtful and warm.

"Thank you, Jongin-ah." I reached forward to pat his head.

"Don't treat me like a kid," He waved my hand away.

"But you are!"

"I'm only younger by two years!"

"Haha! So cute!" I reached forward to pinch his cheeks.

"Yah! Hyung!"

e)(o

We spent much of the afternoon out, if not for my reminders, he'd probably be dragging me around town.

"We should go before your mom starts to worry."

"Don't worry, I'm pretty much an adult. She'll be fine."

"Well I'm scared she'll blame me for kidnapping you."

"Please."

Summer evenings were uneventful, it felt as if there was a cloud of softness and languidity the air. It made me feel calm and relaxed.

If only every night would feel this way.

We walked slowly back to the house. Shoulder to shoulder, I felt his hand brush against my from time to time.

Just as we entered the main gate, he stopped walking.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Look." He pointed afar. I followed his finger only to see flickering spots of light in the bushes at the corner of the garden.

"Fireflies!" I was surprised, and felt myself move towards the source of light.

"This is beautiful, I can't recall the last time I've seen one. Jongin-ah-"

Before I could finish, I felt his presence right next to me and I was pulled into a tight embrace.

"I remember it all," He said.

I was stiff. My eyes were still on the fireflies, they were small but they exuded such brilliance through their light.

Was it silence around us? It felt loud regardless.

"Jongin…" I did not know what to do, he was only a brother to me.

Should I push away, or put my arms around him?

"I'm so glad, that you still remember the past."

"…"

"Can we stay together, in the future?"

My heart beat was erratic. Not because I was moved, but because I knew I was about to let Jongin down.

When I see you on stage…you're so radiant

Thank you for remembering me when I was glorious.

I'm your fan.

You've been by my side all these while.

I like you a lot.

You feel that way about me…

It was getting difficult to pretend like I didn't know his feelings.

Just as I was in a dilemma, I heard urgent footsteps. Followed by a forceful tug at my arms. I was torn away from Jongin's embrace.

I heard the sound of a loud slap, then the sharp screams of a woman.

"You shameless dirty slut! Stay away from my son if you like men! He is your brother! You're not even clean, I bet you have those dirty diseases!"

I hid my face behind my palms.

Radiance

Adoration

Protection

Those words felt all so foreign again.

e)(o

Jongin left for school amidst the cold shoulder he was sharing with his mother.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am that stubborn, that maybe it was time to leave, after causing so much trouble in the family.

Truly, I have no other place to go.

"Hey, you," One day, she called me after putting down the phone. I was taken aback. She never spoke to me all these while.

I went over.

"What is it?"

She wrote down an address on a piece of paper she grabbed, "Go help look after the store for Kangsik."

"Oh." I took the piece of paper, not daring to ask who he was and what the store was.

I was glad to be of any help.

"It's easy to find. He asked for Jongin but he's gone to school."

"Ok, so do I go now?"

"Of course. You better hurry."

That's how I came to be sitting here at the counter, watching the door on this listless summer day.

An hour would pass and I could count with one hand the number of people who passed by.

I played with the tools absent-mindedly as I was sneering at myself. I found it laughable that the once famous boy group member was now tending to some mechanic store in the country side.

But this was probably for the best. I longed for myself to turn into someone different.

Cut my past clean and live my life like this quietly.

Trying to find tasks for myself, I started to arrange the items on the shelf, taking time to look and stare at the different shapes the tools came in.

Then, I heard a noise outside the shop. Someone had pushed the door open.

I had not realised then that it was the fate's footsteps coming up behind me.

I was about to react but the person spoke first.

"Is anyone in?"

…His voice. I could never forget it for life.

Even if I had transformed into another Byun Baekhyun. Even if I had severed all ties with my past. Even if I was dead.

He would never disappear.

His name was engraved in my bones. He was in my blood, flowing through all of me as I breathed.

I hid behind the shelf, unable to believe what was happening.

"Is anyone in?" He asked again, "I want to ask for directions."

No one is in. You shouldn't be here.

Go back.

Chanyeol.

You should go back.

After a while, I heard a disgruntled sigh and the door closed soon after.

I hid for a long time, even after he had left, before slowly walking out from behind the shelf. I was afraid he'd show up again.

After leaving Seoul, I thought that I had let my past go behind me, but I did not expect that when I would see him again, that every single wall I built around my heart would crumble down instantly.

I've never had that kind of confidence.

As with any matter regarding him.

That night, I didn't know how I returned back to the house. Every step I took felt like I was walking on cotton. I thought that I was hurting again because I met him again.

When I had finally realised, my stomach was acting up again.

It was because my darned gastric problems were wreaking havoc again.

I could barely open the door. Stumbling over the door frame, I almost fell.

Aunt got a shock, "Why such a fuss getting into the house?"

"Auntie…" I could barely hear my own voice, "Are there any pain…killers in the house?"

"What?" She frowned and stared at me.

"P-Pain killers."

She paused for a moment and began to nag, "Look at you all weak with your precious body, I asked you to go to the store for day and this is what you come back with."

She was complaining as she dug the cabinets.

"Here's a box, but I don't know if it's still any good." She handed me a box, trying to read it's instruction sheet.

I staggered towards her and it took me all the energy I could muster, I clutched my stomach and bent down, gritting my teeth from the pain.

She looked at me and realised that I was at my limits.

"What's up with you! You have so many problems!" She came over to hold me and brought me to the bed.

"…Sorry…" I said between my heaving.

She did not reply.

She sat me down and went to get water, helping me down the medicine.

I was curled up on the bed, my hand firmly pressed down on my stomach.

She never left. She sat down by the bed and let me rest my head on her legs.

She patted my back gently with one hand while wiping my cold sweat off with the other.

Her hands were calloused but they were gentle.

"You're troublesome aren't you." She muttered.

It must've been the medicine taking effect, but after a while, I felt the pain leave me and I sank into deep sleep.

In my groggy state between sleep and full awareness, I saw myself from long ago - when I was young, in the distant summer. It was aunt who held me like this, patting me and fanning me as I went to sleep.

But I knew, I could never return to the past.