Chapter 44

Kirk did indeed spend the day with the language tapes. By day's end, he felt like his head was swimming in Klingon phrases. But when he asked Konti to speak in Klingon, he didn't understand more than a word here and there. And he still had made no attempt at trying to speak the language. Pretty discouraging, but he tried to be patient with himself.

After supper, Konti wanted him to explain what several Scripture passages meant. He felt very inadequate to the task. After two hours of blundering through parable after parable, Kirk had had enough.

"I don't know what it means! You can read it as well as I can. You figure it out!"

Konti stared for a moment, then quietly put his papers away.

"I'm sorry. You are tired. Do you wish to rest? There is time."

"No! I mean, yes. I'm tired, but I don't think I could sleep." He wiped a hand over his face and sighed. "I'm sorry, Konti, I shouldn't have barked at you."

"It is forgiven. I can see that you are troubled. Can you talk to me?"

More transparency, thought Kirk, and tried to find words for what he felt.

"I'm frustrated. Learning a language has never been easy. I feel inept, inadequate. Your command of Standard is remarkable, and my understanding of Klingon is miniscule. Furthermore the questions you're asking have been debated by scholars throughout the centuries. I'm no expert in what it means by what it says.

"In fact, I'm no good to you at all. I can't help with your translation. I'm supposed to be an example of God's love to you, and I can't do that either. The challenge of that letter is simply unattainable."

"Will you escape then?"

"I don't know."

"If you are determined to go, I will help you."

Kirk looked up in surprise. "That would be treason."

"Yes."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I want what is best for you. I am your friend."

"That's why you beat me, brand me, and send me to Koh for unspeakable agony?" Kirk's tone was understandably bitter.

"No!" Konti's face showed his anguish. "I have never wanted those things for you. I hate them! But you have accepted them as part of your situation, and laughed at me for being upset about them. So now, I will help you get free of them."

"I can't let you do that. It wouldn't be right. Maybe you should just kill me now."

"I told you once that if it became unbearable, I would do for you what you asked. Koh doesn't think there's any such thing as unbearable for you. But I heard what Korn said to him, and if there is such a thing, this will be it. So if you are going to escape, the time is now. You may not have another chance."

"Why do you keep talking about escape?" Kirk stood up and began to pace. "You told Koh I wouldn't go. You told Korn that too. Now you're trying to convince me I should. Why?" He turned to face Konti.

"It really will be unbearably awful, and it may go on for days. Kezak may have to cancel some shows. So if you're going to go, go now."

"You said that already."

"I do not want you to try to endure this and fail. Koh will break you if he can. Korn will make him do it. And I mean really break you. Without the power of God in your life, he will succeed. You won't survive it. The only wise thing to do is run."

Kirk sat down heavily. "I can't. Let me tell you a story. I was five years old and had just started school. The playground had a monkey bars, over twice as tall as I was. During recess, my older brother and his friends were playing on the bars. They didn't want me pestering them, so they told me I was too little. I said I wasn't, so they challenged me. Said if I would walk on top of the bars, they would let me play with them. Sam, that was my brother, lifted me up there. I looked at the ground, and I froze. I couldn't let go and stand up. They laughed at me, Sam took me down, and I ran off. But it ate at me all day.

"Now this was one of the few times my dad was home. So when I wouldn't eat my supper, Dad wanted to know what was wrong. Sam tried to tell me to keep my mouth shut. He thought he was going to get in trouble. But Dad took me out on the back porch, and I poured out the whole story. I'll never forget what he said: 'You don't conquer fear by pretending it isn't there. You conquer fear by doing the thing you fear.'

"He got a flashlight, told Mom where we were going, and we went back to that playground. We walked those monkey bars until I was no longer afraid of it. The next day, I did it in front of all the kids. They were duly impressed, but I hadn't really cared what they thought. It was the fear itself that had bothered me.

"Over the next weeks, the kids started calling me fearless. It wasn't so; on the contrary, I did the things I did precisely because I was afraid of them. Over the years, I've never lost the reputation. About once a month, some kid comes up with something nobody's ever done before. Word gets around to me, and I know that's my next challenge. I can feel it in my gut.

"So call me crazy, stupid, whatever. I can't run away from this, even if it kills me."

"I understand. I will pray for you. Remember the letter said you could ask Jesus for help. When you come to the end of yourself, cry out to Him and He will answer."

"Maybe."

xxxx

When Kirk arrived at the lab, the only Klingon in the room was Korn. He did not say anything, but stood guard at the door by which Kirk had entered. His hostility could be felt in the atmosphere. Koh's voice came over the speaker.

"Korn's here to intimidate you, and to see that I do my job. You can ignore him. Look around. There's something you always do first when you get here. I want to know if your body remembers what it is and how to do it."

The principal thing in the room was a padded table that reminded Kirk of a doctor's office. In the corner beyond it was some electronic-looking equipment, whose purpose was a mystery to Kirk. In another corner was a counter-top with some drawers underneath it. Kirk stepped over to examine what lay on the counter.

A shallow tray contained several hypos. The other item on the counter was an open box out of which spilled various wires. Kirk fingered the wires for a moment, then turned to see if he had missed anything else in the room. There was a second door, opposite the one by which he had entered. Along the near wall was what looked like a monitoring window, though of course, he couldn't see through it. Under the window, next to the counter was a small round hole, perhaps five inches in diameter. He looked at the window.

"If I had to guess, I'd say it has to do with these wires, but I could be wrong."

"Empty the box. Examine the contents. Let your hands do what they will."

So Kirk did. Tentatively at first, then with more confidence, he accurately placed every one of the leads.

"Congratulations. I thought you probably could, but I had no idea if you would. Do you know what those things are for?"

"Not exactly, but I can guess."

"Allow me to show you."

Koh set the dial at 400, and pressed the switch. Kirk gasped, clutched at the counter, and slowly collapsed to the floor. Koh grabbed the scanner and the remote cutoff, and quickly made his way to Kirk's side.

"Just as I thought," as he scanned Kirk. "You're not unconscious. So stand up."

"You're... kidding," Kirk gasped.

"No, I'm not. Your body can tolerate this for days on end, so stand up. Now!"

Kirk slowly struggled to his feet, but stood clutching the counter, and raising each foot alternately, as if the floor was hot.

"Let go of the counter. Face me. Stand still."

Kirk complied with each demand, trying also to control his breathing, but without success.

"Listen to me. You put them on; you can take them off. It's your choice."

Kirk glanced past Koh at Korn.

"Forget him. This is between you and me. Choose."

"I... will... not... run... from this."

"Are you sure? This is just the beginning."

"Yes."

"All right. Put your arm on the counter. I need to put in an IV."

Koh worked swiftly and within minutes had IV's in both arms. Then he told Kirk to give himself the injections.

"I'm not telling you what's in them."

"I don't know how."

"You can't do it wrong. Anywhere on your skin will work, but it hurts less if you put it in a big muscle. That's right; just press the plunger. Now there's four more."

Koh watched while Kirk gave himself each of the injections.

"Now lie down on the table. Flat on your back; head at that end." And he pointed.

Expecting compliance, Koh began to pull various things out of drawers. Kirk glanced at Korn and did as he was told. It took Koh the better part of an hour to hook everything up. Kirk was struck with his efficiency, the gentleness of his hands, and the thoroughness with which he was covered in hardware and rendered completely helpless. By the time Koh was finished, Kirk had his breathing under control, and was working on relaxing his muscles.

So, you can still do it, thought Koh. It just takes longer. Too bad I can't give you enough time, my friend. Korn won't let me.

Koh went back to the monitoring room, followed by Korn. Since Kirk could neither see nor hear, it made no sense to stay in the room with him.

"Do you want to talk to him before I turn all this on?"

"Kirk! Can you hear me?" Korn's voice was harsh and demanding.

"Yes."

"If you will give up those Federation secrets, we can avoid all this unpleasantness. If not, you will indeed be sorry."

"I have no secrets, and this is the last time I'm going to tell you that."

"You better not antagonize me. I have the power to turn off your pain."

"You don't believe me anyway, so what difference does it make?"

"It will make a lot of difference after several hours of agony."

Korn signaled Koh to turn on the equipment. Kirk screamed, and went on screaming and writhing in agony. Korn stood impassively and watched. Koh looked at the stress reader - off the chart. So Kirk was not faking. He checked Kirk's vitals, and steeled himself to listen to the screaming all night long. He was well aware of Kirk's stamina. This was going to take a long time. And who knew if Korn would give up even after Kirk was completely exhausted.

Korn had Koh turn off the agony every three or four hours. As soon as Kirk stopped screaming, Korn started pestering him to give up the secrets. But Kirk wouldn't talk to him. Koh assured Korn that Kirk was conscious and could hear him. He was just refusing to talk. Koh didn't blame him. There was nothing to say. But the silence infuriated Korn. He wanted Koh to increase the pain, but he couldn't. It was already at the max, and had been from the beginning, per Korn's orders.

It was a very long night. And an even longer day. Sometime after noon, Kirk's screams subsided into whimpers. About two hours later, Korn called another halt.

"Maybe now he'll talk to me."

Don't bet on it, thought Koh, but said nothing.

Kirk did not reply to any of Korn's pestering. Thoroughly disgusted, Korn insisted Koh turn the agony back on. Kirk resumed screaming, but within half an hour, lapsed again into whimpers. Thoroughly tired, Korn gave up. At least until the next night.

As soon as Korn left, Koh turned off the machines. He entered Room A, and approached Kirk cautiously, remembering his previous reaction. He didn't want to be attacked. More importantly, they didn't have much time for Kirk to recover. They had to leave within the hour, if they were going to do the show that night.

It would undoubtedly be better for Kirk to cancel the show and let him sleep for 24 hours. On the other hand, the longer it took him to reach exhaustion, the more agony he would have to endure. He removed the helmet first, and began to talk quietly as he worked.

"Korn has gone. The agony is over for now. But your system is so traumatized that every touch will hurt. If I have to, I'll knock you out while I remove all this stuff."

"No." Kirk's voice was a hoarse whisper. "Hate anesthesia."

"You have to be absolutely still while I take these wires out of your back."

"Did I do it before?"

"Yes. Several times."

"How long does it take?"

"A few seconds for each. But it's not painless. And if you move, you risk permanent damage."

"Do it; I'll take the risk."

So Koh removed the wires, quickly and carefully, and Kirk didn't even breathe.

"That was nothing compared to what's been going on."

"I'm glad. Next is the IV's."

"Any chance you could give me some slack on this collar?"

"I can, if you promise to stay put until I'm done."

"It's a deal. I'm in no shape to move anyway."

"That didn't stop you before." Koh chuckled, and told him about the attack and the fear.

"So are you afraid of me now?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Does my touch hurt?"

"Yes, but hurt is relative. There's no comparison."

"I'm being as careful as I can."

Koh had all the head wires off and was working on the back.

"You're very gentle. I noticed that when you were putting all this stuff on me last night. Or have I lost track of time?"

"No, it was last night. It's a little after 1500 now. If we're going to do that show tonight, we have to leave by 1600. Are you up to it, or shall I tell them to cancel it?"

"I feel like a limp dish rag that's been put through the ringer too many times. But show time's not for four hours yet. How long did it take me to recover before?"

"The first time we did this, it took you a week. After that, you didn't need any recovery time. Now, who knows? I'd guess you'll be able to walk to the flitter, sleep all the way there, and be alert and functional for the show. The only thing that's likely to be a problem is the beating. Since your system's a mess, the beating will feel ten times worse than the last one."

"Even that's not as bad as this. I'll survive it. So don't cancel the show."

"All right. I'll go call Konti and be right back."

Koh was back a few minutes later and began working on Kirk's feet.

"It's all set. Konti and Kezak will pick us up here in 45 minutes."

"You asked me if I was afraid of you, and I said 'no'. But when you returned just now, I became aware of an apprehension."

"Feel like kicking me?"

"No. Just a low-level anxiety. Not sure of your intentions."

"Not surprising. Don't worry about it, unless it gets worse."

Koh had finished with the feet, so he took down the lines to the ceiling and flipped Kirk onto his back. Kirk gasped, went completely rigid, then took a deep breath, and started forcing himself to relax.

"Sorry. I should have warned you."

"It's okay. I should have been expecting it. My brain's not working very well right now. I'm too tired, I guess."

"No surprise. You're exhausted. It's a wonder you're coherent at all."

"I have a question, but I'm not sure how to ask it, or whether you have an answer, assuming you would tell me."

"I'm listening. Start talking."

"Okay. First of all, I'm assuming we will have to do this again. So I'm looking for better ways to deal with it. I'm not usually a screamer, but I couldn't stop. Did I handle it differently before? Do you even know what I did?"

"I can tell you what it looked like. I don't know how you managed to do what you did. But before we get into that, let me say this. I'm not surprised you're asking this question. It's typical Kirk thinking. I am surprised you're asking it this soon. I expected you to be still dealing with physical recovery issues. The question shows an emotional readiness to face it that I didn't expect."

"Why not?"

Koh changed the subject. "This big patch on your belly doesn't come off easily."

"So, do whatever you have to, and don't change the subject."

Koh yanked the patch off in one continuous ten-second pull. Kirk gasped.

"Well, why not?"

"I have to do the same to your face, except it takes four or five times longer."

"And you can't work and talk at the same time?"

"All right, then." Koh began on the face as he answered Kirk's question. "I have a machine that reads your stress level. I won't bore you with a technical explanation, but as long as you're on this table, I can tell how much stress you're feeling. It uses physical data, but it's measuring the state of your emotions.

"When you first came to us, I could not get that reading out of the basement. I was very frustrated. In all these months, that stress reading has been high only three times. And this is one of them. So that is why I did not expect you to be emotionally ready to face talking about doing this again. But, you obviously are, so-

"If you'll stand up, I'll get your hands free."

Kirk moved a little slowly, but managed to stand. Koh took off the handcuffs, and pulled the gloves off his hands.

"That's everything. If you can walk next door, I think we have time for a meal."

Koh served up a quick meal and talked while they ate.

"Screaming is the body's normal response to unbearable agony. So is tensed muscles, and various involuntary movements. But when the agony goes on for a long time, these responses become exhausting. The first time we did this, you lasted five days before falling apart. Once you started screaming, you became exhausted within twelve hours."

"I lasted through five days of this?!"

"That's a little misleading. We were doing a variety of things. You only had the wires in your back for the last part of it. But most recently, you breezed through two and a half days of exactly what I just did to you. No screams, completely relaxed body, no exhaustion, no stress. I don't remember what all we talked about, but it had nothing to do with what you were going through. You simply ignored it. At one point, I asked you if the system was working, because I could not tell by any response of yours. You just laughed.

"Later that night, you told me to go to bed, 'cause I was exhausted. You promised to be still here when I woke up. More laughter. Then you told me to stop worrying. You would be fine. And you were. I came back four hours later. You told me I should have slept for eight hours, though how you knew how long I'd been gone, I have no idea." Koh lapsed into silence and ate several bites before continuing.

"You taught Konti how to accept pain, and I heard what you told him, but it only partly explains what you do. Anybody can build tolerance for pain, but you do it faster than anybody I've ever seen. It has something to do with your basic attitude about it. Maybe you should ask Konti what he thinks. He'll be here in a few minutes."

Kirk finished the food on his plate and decided he probably would quiz Konti.

Koh was finished too, and paused before clearing the dishes. "Before he gets here, I have a question. What do you think of me now, after all the agony of the past day? And if you blame Korn for it instead of me, let me tell you that I will do the same thing to you even if Korn is not here. That if I can find a way to increase your agony, I will do it. Yes, Korn and his superiors are the driving force behind it, but I designed all this." He gestured to include the entire lab.

"You have cheerfully helped me perfect it, knowing what I would do with the information you gave me. Kirk, you have understood me as very few have. And you have never objected to being the victim of my experiments. Mostly you have been as curious as I, and more than willing to accept any amount of pain. It simply isn't an issue. But I do not expect you to feel the same about it now."

"So you have no moral problem with being responsible for all this?"

"At first, I didn't. You were an enemy, a prisoner, and I had a job to do. Over the months as I got to know you intimately, I began to hate my job and what I had to do to you. I became depressed and wouldn't tease you and make jokes any more. You wanted me to go on cheerfully disregarding the pain price you were paying, but I just couldn't." Koh shook his head and stared at the table.

Raising his eyes to Kirk's, Koh went on. "Then when you conquered the very worst I could throw at you, suddenly the depression lifted, and I could laugh with you again. But now, it's bothering me again. I'll do what I have to, but I don't like it."

"I'm sorry, but I'm glad to know it bothers you. I didn't think you were, by nature, a cruel person. Maybe when this is all over, you can find something to study other than pain, that will satisfy your scientific curiosity."

"Possibly, but thanks to you, I'm an expert. I'm sure there will be other victims. But I don't expect to find another like you. Who would want the torturer for a friend?"

"Don't think of yourself that way. Bitterness will eat you up from the inside out. And for however short-lived this might be, I would like to be your friend."

Koh stared at Kirk, and saw that he meant it. A knot in the pit of his stomach, that he hadn't even known was there, dissolved.

"I thought you would hate me."

Kirk smiled. "But I don't."