Chapter 24: Hearty Gollum Moments

By Archet

Dedicated to...OMG! Hobbit trailer! *watches for 4000th time and aphyxiates from inability to breathe due to awesomness*

24. Do not tell Gollum to go die in a hole

"Now he tried to find strength to tear himself away and go on a lonely journey - for vengeance. If once he could go, his anger would bear him down all the roads of the world, pursuing, until he had him at last: Gollum. Then Gollum would die in a corner." -Sam predicting Gollum's death (yes this is actually a legit quote from the book!)

"And my fourth cousin on my father's great grandmother's side, yes, precious, she was definitely a somebody, she was. Gretel was her name, precious, and she was the fastest Stoor of them all, precious. It was quite something to have a girl win all the midsummer's eve races, in fact, once recently she-"

"Gollum. Shut up."

It had been approximately 4 days, 11 hours, and 20 odd minutes since Gollum had suddenly randomly come to terms with his true internal insanity (as Sam put it- Frodo still thought the thing was some kind of teddy bear). To simplify, he had remembered "Smeagol". And hadn't shut up about it since. Frodo had even overheard him talking to what was he was assuming to be a rock (but who knows, really) about his grandmother's old chicken coop. Sure, every hobbit loves ancestry and all that, but Gollum was stretching it past the limits. Not even Merry could take an hour long lecture on 'Auntie Jemmy's raspberry jam'. But still Gollum blathered on, the word 'precious' thrown in at every possible moment.

"And, precious, there was one race we had to the river and back, where Uncle Maxim had promised the winner a trout, where Wilhem tripped old Gretel precious, and she got dirt on her new dress. Took her forever to stop crying..."

"Gollum." Sam, the ever not-that-patient hobbit, gritted his teeth loudly, "PLEASE shut up. We're trying to sleep over here."

"But...it's midnight precious! In February! Why do they sleep during the waking hours, precious wonders. Oh, he wonders, he does. But good Smeagol won't ask any questions."

"To right he won't," muttered Sam, trying to convince himself the rock he was using as a pillow was comfortable, "Or he might just have his neck wrung out by an old fella in the name of my Gaffer."

Gollum laughed horribly. Frodo twitched in his sleep, obviously uneasy.

"Shut up, will you!" yelled Sam angrily, "You're gonna make him mad with all that racket you're causing!"

Gollum just laughed louder, sounding rather like that noise a kettle makes when you leave the lid open and it boils over until all the water is gone and there's none left for tea.

"To right with you!" Sam swore in his hobbit-ish way (which basically means he huffed in a kind of rude manner), jumping out of his blanket and brandishing his miniature sword, "Get out of here, you Stinker. Causing my master no lack of evilness, you are. Go...go die in a hole where it would suit you best. Fix everyone with a whole lot less grief than now."

Gollum hissed, sounding again like a kettle. He turned his evil pupil-less blue eyes on Sam. He snarled.

Sam got ready to run.

In an act of amazingness, the mutant hobbit turned around and tore in the other direction through the rocks. Sam sighed in peace.

He had approximately 4 hours of happiness.

Before he was woken up at 5am covered in bee hives.

"GOLLUM!"

Coolio. Announcements for y'all. Listen up!

1. Hobbit trailer is out now! I'm actually ashamed to say I'm a week late on this fact... :(

2. Just wanted to point out that last chapter was written by Elf from Downunder. Lots of the reviews said stuff like "You're so amazing!" (ok, not really but I love self compliments), and I just wanted make it clear that she's the amazing one- not me. If, however, this chapter is also worthy of "amazing" (which I highly doubt), feel free to shoot me a message :D

3. PLUG! Yo- guys, I have a story for you to check out. It's called "Betrayal" by Blue J Fire and Caso Sparrow. It's a cute story that isn't getting the love it's intended for. Besides, I like promoting people. It raises my self esteem.

Reviews do too *hint hint*.