35 [Byun Baekhyun] Palpitations in summer
"-Baekhyun!"
I went to sleep in pain, but woke up to realise the sweet dream I've dreamt of.
The voice, seemed to have taken me back to my dream, in which he stood silently before me. I could not see his expression, but I could hear him loud and clear.
Baekhyun.
He called my name.
In my half-awake state, I heard Auntie calling my name. There was noise by the window.
What's happening.
She shouted at me to keep quiet. I was immediately dragged back into reality.
"Baekhyun-ah!"
There was really someone calling my name.
…Chanyeol, is that you?
Have you really come?
In the end, you've found me?
I heard him calling, but I dare not respond.
I escaped, trying to hide myself away, but yet you've come.
She closed the windows and turned to look at me. Her eyes were cold.
"I knew I couldn't hide you."
"Sorry," I got off the bed.
I was apologetic, "I caused you trouble."
"At least you know."
I bit my lip, not speaking.
Park Chanyeol. What does he want from me?
I dare not look towards the window.
It was the next day. At dawn, Auntie gave me some money and tasked me to go to the market place to buy some fruits.
I held the money, contemplating.
"Don't worry, he's gone," She glared at me, "Hurry up."
"Oh."
As the Sun was setting, the ground was no longer baking in the heat. I stepped past the gates and set on my path towards the market, my shadow was long and thin, following me closely. Something made me feel like the peaceful times were slowly leaving me behind.
I appeared calm, but my heart was all sorts of nervous. Just the thought of his voice or smile would send me into full blown anxiety. Gripping my heart and refusing to let go.
I remembered the way he called my name yesterday, followed by not long ago – the way he said those words.
I love you.
He said.
I could barely breathe.
I could lie to other people but I had to be honest with myself.
- Chanyeol-ah, I miss you, very, very…very very much.
After I bought the fruits, I took the same path home.
As I passed by the pond in the woods, I recalled the last time I was here, with Jongin.
I was reminded of Jongin suddenly.
He's supposed to be back soon.
If I don't remember wrongly, he'd be back tomorrow.
I let the plastic bag swing slightly, my steps crossing paths with my shadows.
Upon reaching the front gates, I reached out to push the gates open. I heard footsteps coming from behind me.
I jumped, but before I could turn around, I was pulled into a hug from behind.
"…Baekhyun."
I froze.
He placed his head between the crook of my neck, muttering my name next to my ear.
The person I had pushed and squeezed into a corner of my heart had suddenly expanded infinitely. Uncontrollably, irreversibly.
I felt the bag fall from my hands, the apples fell all around me.
I was shaking.
"I miss you so much," He continued, sounding forlorn and wronged.
I knew it, it was useless. All those barriers you made don't stand a chance against just his voice.
It took all the willpower in me to control my emotions.
"Let me go."
"No."
"…Let me go, Chanyeol," I tried my best to sound cold.
He paused for a moment and slowly let me go.
I had forgotten about the apples and walked towards the door as fast as I could.
I felt him grab me, and I was instantly pulled back.
Just as I was about to get impatient, I saw his face.
Why were there bruises all over?
Before I realised, I heard myself asking, "What happened to your face."
My pathetic attempts at nonchalance were instantly exposed.
He began to smile at me, the undeniable bright smile that lit up across his face.
"You still care about me."
I lowered my head, but he continued to explain, "It's special effects make up for the drama I'm filming. You don't have to worry."
I looked up to examine the bruises. Is that true…?
"How…have you been?" He asked softly.
His eyes were filled with concern and sorrow that I had never seen.
He took my hands into his as he asked.
"…Fine." I looked away from his eyes, avoiding his gaze.
His touch felt scalding and I could still feel his gaze on me.
"You've lost weight." He told me, one hand reaching up to stroke my face.
Just as I was about to shy away, I heard the door to the house open.
I saw Auntie standing at the door, I knew she could see us. Chanyeol was holding my hands in one hand and stroking my face with the other.
I immediately pushed him away.
"Are you not going to get in." She spoke.
I dashed into the house as fast as I could.
"Disgusting," She shoved me, harshly shouting, "You embarrass me!"
"Sorry!" I bowed.
How could I be so careless?
I was waiting for her to scold me, but she was immediately distracted by the knocks on the door.
"What is going on!" She shouted at Chanyeol after she opened the door. I could see him looking over her shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of me.
"Don't blame Baekhyun," He spoke with sincerity, "I was the one who came looking for him."
"Have you said enough."
"These are the apples Baekhyun bought," He handed the bag over to her, politely, in both hands.
"I say," Auntie looked at him, impatient, "Go back to wherever you came from. I don't care who you are, you are not welcome here."
"No no no! Please, welcome me, I'm not a bad person, I…I won't hurt Baekhyn." Park Chanyeol was panicking.
I couldn't bear to watch him.
I love him - and I knew I still had a soft spot for him.
I knew of how prideful he was.
And he was putting all that away, begging…all just to see me.
"I don't care, don't appear in front of my eyes ever again."
She shut the door in his face.
I could picture the way Chanyeol was standing on the other side of the door.
Auntie placed the bag on the table and turned to ask me, "Who on Earth is that man?"
"A – A friend I used to know."
She let out a sigh of frustration and walked into the kitchen.
I was relieved but Park Chanyeol's gaze resurfaced in my brain.
The way he looked at me.
My heart started to pound.
When Jongin reached home, he dropped his suitcase at the door and threw me a hug.
I pushed him away hastily.
"I'm scared Auntie will see us."
He frowned, "What's wrong with that, I'm hugging a brother." With that, he spread his arms and pulled me into an embrace.
"Hyung," He called.
"Huh."
"I missed you so much."
His words made me pause, I could hear the same words, spoken by someone else, just yesterday.
He saw that I was not responding and let me go, "Shouldn't you tell me that you've missed me too?"
"Forget it, stop acting like a kid," I was avoiding his gaze, backing away from him.
After Park Chanyeol showed up, I was even more clueless about how I should respond to Jongin's feelings. I once thought that I'd stay here for the rest of my life, so maybe it was only right to accept Jongin's warmth and affection, so I'd be able to cope better with the transitions in my life.
But now as I reconsider, it was clear that I was selfish, it would only mean that I was making use of someone else's feelings.
"How were the past few days?" He asked me.
"…They were good."
"Was my Mom giving you a hard time?"
"Of course not. But you should really unpack, it must've been tough to be on the road so much."
He grinned sheepishly and shook his head.
"Thinking about being able to see you would invigorate me. I wasn't tired at all."
I smiled in response, "Alright, alright, go unpack already."
When he came out of the shower, I was helping tidy the house.
"Don't bother, let's go to the beach!"
"…Another day," I was reminded of the lurking presence of Park Chanyeol and that frustrated me. But Jongin was completely unaware.
"Why not? The weather is perfect today."
"You should rest, you just got back."
"No, see you don't get it! I want to take a break after all the tough papers!"
"I still think-"
He snatched the broom from my hand.
"Hey! I still need that!"
"Go change your clothes! We have to get going before the sun sets."
I stared at the way Jongin's smile would light up his entire face, he has and always will be the bright teenager to me.
We were soon walking down the path towards the ocean. Jongin insisted on holding my hand. I felt uncomfortable but he thought it was necessary.
I was worried and anxious that Chanyeol might appear. I kept looking around, but I did not see his familiar figure.
I only let my guard down when we reached the ocean. Looking at the vast ocean, I could feel the emotions in my heart clear out with each rhythmic wave that hit the rocks.
Jongin and I walked along the beach. He chased after the waves like a child, and when he didn't he would tell me about his school. How the exams had been difficult, and how he was able to perform beyond his usual abilities.
School. Those were much simpler times.
"So you've got a good feeling about this?" I tilted my head to ask.
"Not bad I suppose! It'll be fine."
I found that hard to believe, considering how he had given up his entire revision holidays to take me around Bucheon.
"Pretty confident huh?"
"Of course!" He sounded sure of himself.
I smiled and looked up to face the distant but the smile soon froze on my face.
"…Baekhyun."
I saw Chanyeol stand up from the beach, looking at me silently.
I immediately pulled my hand away from Jongin's.
I could not help but notice the bruises that were still on his face. There was no way he had gone to film from here.
So, was he really hurt?
I could sense Chanyeol was judging Jongin and I.
Jongin was confused about my actions at first, but then he turned to see Chanyeol, that was when he understood.
"What's he doing here?" Jongin asked, evidently unhappy.
"…Let's go home." I was not about to face him and I wanted to leave.
"Baekhyun!" Park Chanyeol rushed forward, grabbing my arm.
"Hey!" Jongin hit his hand away, "Don't touch him!"
Chanyeol gave Jongin a weird look, "And who the hell are you?"
"I'm Baekhyun's cousin."
Hearing the word 'cousin', I could sense Chanyeol ease up a little, "I just want to have a few moments with Baekhyun if you don't mind."
"No way," Jongin rejected.
"You -" Park Chanyeol frowned, "I just want to speak with him, what does that got to do with you?"
"He's family so of course it's got to do with me," Jongin was relentless.
I could sense the tension in the air.
"Let him be, Jongin, we should go," I tried to loosen the tension, tugging Jongin's sleeve.
But Chanyeol was far from being done, "You're younger than Baekhyun huh? So you've got to be younger than me too."
"So what?"
"Is that how you speak to someone older than you?"
"I'm already trying to be polite."
Chanyeol let out an exasperated laugh. He gave a pat Jongin on his face, "Hey, has no one educated you on manners?"
Jongin tilted his head away and let out a cold laugh.
"Manners? Let me show you manners."
Before I knew it, Jongin had thrown a punch right at Chanyeol.
In an instant, they were wrestling before me.
I rushed up to try to pull them apart, but it took much more energy than what I could muster to separate them. They were going at it with each other, neither giving in to the other.
I tried to wedge myself between them to split them apart but in the process I was pushed to the sand.
Alarmed, they let go of each other and tried to help me up.
But I managed to stand up on my own.
"Are you alright?" Both of them asked at the same time.
"Yes," I looked at both of them, patting the sand off me.
"Why did you push him!" Chanyeol shouted at Jongin once he learnt that I was fine.
"Who me? It was you!"
They were fired up, I could sense that they were about to break into a fight any moment.
"Enough…"
"How dare you accuse me!"
"It was you! How could – "
"Enough!" I shouted at them.
They stopped fighting but that was not enough to calm them down. They kept silent but I could tell they were still riled up from their expressions.
I let them be for a moment before walking up to Jongin.
"Are you done? Let's go home."
Jongin burst out laughing and threw a glance at Chanyeol.
"Baekhyun…" Chanyeol called, with a hint of sorrow in his voice.
I ignored him, dragging Jongin along as I walked away.
"Baekhyun!"
I could hear his voice coming from behind me. But I kept walking forward.
Don't look back.
I told myself.
Don't look back.