Chapter 45
Konti sensed the bond between Kirk and Koh immediately. He was tempted to be jealous. But he really was very glad. After what they had just been through, he had half-expected Kirk to hate Koh, or at the very least, distrust him deeply. He had not dared to hope they would come out of it as friends. He breathed a prayer of thanks.
Kirk and Koh both slept all the way there. Konti wondered if Kirk would remember everything. Kezak wasn't worried. And the show came off without a hitch. Back at Konti's home, Kirk went straight to bed. At breakfast the next morning, Kirk seemed at ease, even cheerful.
"Has your memory returned?" Konti asked.
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because the wariness is gone. You're not holding yourself aloof any more."
"Total cooperation, absolute trust, complete transparency doesn't seem quite so impossible today. Maybe I'm more rested."
"You've decided to trust me then?"
"It's not so much that I've decided, as that I find that I do trust you. I don't know that it's absolute. It hasn't been tested much." Kirk shrugged.
"You don't think last night's show was much of a test?"
"That's interesting. I sure did the first night. I remember how scared I was of that grid maze. But last night, it all seemed so normal - no big deal. I guess that tells you how much my trust has grown in two days."
"Would that have anything to do with what went on in the lab?" Konti pressed.
"Possibly. Though I'm not sure what that has to do with you. You want a graphic description of all the gory details?"
"If you don't mind talking about it."
So Kirk told him everything, including his conversation with Koh afterwards.
"So I'm hoping you can help me. How do I stay relaxed, not scream, and not fight it?"
"You realize you're asking for something that's impossible to do?"
"Koh said I did it before. If I did it, then it's not impossible."
"You have a high level of natural ability in this area. I can tell you what you told me, and I will, but I suspect you do much of it instinctively already. But in spite of your natural ability, you cannot conquer this level of agony without the power of Jesus Christ working in your life. Let me tell you what happened when I went to Koh's lab."
Konti shared for a couple of hours, and Kirk was glad for the input, but still not convinced he needed Jesus. They spent several hours working on the language, and Kirk seemed to be making a little progress. He consented to help with the translation, but steadfastly refused to interpret the meaning of the passages being translated.
Midnight came too soon to suit Kirk. Room A was empty when he arrived. He saw the wires box on the counter as before.
"Same program as last time?"
"Yes," Koh replied.
Kirk began putting on the wires.
"Do we have a visitor, or are we on our own?"
"Korn's not here. But that doesn't get you off the hook. I have to report everything. Biggest difference it makes is I want you to talk to me. I may ask questions, but don't wait for them. Tell me whatever you're thinking or feeling. Starting now."
"I'm remembering where each of these patches goes. Do you want me to do the other kind too? I seem to recall you pulled them out of a drawer."
"Maybe some of them. But not yet. Tell me more."
"You want to know how tied in knots I am. Very. The internal tension started rising as soon as I left Konti's house. Nervous apprehension is too mild a word for it. I may be controlling it outwardly, but that won't last long. It's almost worse than the first time, because now I know what it feels like, how awful it is. Konti said that one of the keys was acceptance. So right now, I choose to accept what you do to me."
Kirk had finished putting on the wires, drew himself erect, and faced the opaque window. He clearly expected Koh to turn on the pain generator. So Koh didn't.
"Put your arm through the hole under this window."
Startled, Kirk reluctantly complied.
"Keep talking, and relax your arm, completely."
Suddenly Kirk laughed.
"I just realized what you're doing to me. You're teasing. I'm all set for you to turn on the power, so you do something else instead. It's as if you're saying, just how much will you accept from me? And the answer is, whatever you dish out.
"Do you realize how difficult this is? I can't see you; I can't see my arm; I have no idea what you plan to do; and you want me to prove I accept this by keeping my arm and hand completely relaxed. Well, I can do it, but it's not easy."
Koh touched the tip of one of Kirk's fingers. Not a twitch. He stroked the tip of another, and another. Still no reaction.
"Does this hurt? How is your nervous system recovering from the last time?"
"Yes, it hurts, but it's not agonizing. I would say things are markedly better than they were 24 hours ago."
"One of the things I don't know is the cumulative effects of sessions spaced too close for you to recover in between. It's entirely possible that tonight's agony will feel worse than the first time."
"Charming." Kirk said this word in Klingon.
Koh chuckled. "Isn't it, though."
He had been putting in an IV while he talked. Kirk showed no surprise or other reaction when he realized what Koh was doing.
"All right. Give me the other arm now."
Kirk complied without hesitation. Koh worked swiftly and had the other IV installed in minutes. Then he had Kirk give himself the injections. Then because he had suggested it, he had Kirk install the strip skin patches he could reach.
"Keep talking. Does it make it worse, the more I make you do yourself?"
"No, well, maybe some. But mostly it gets worse, the closer we get time-wise."
Koh came in and put on the strips that Kirk couldn't reach.
"Now lie down. I can't do the belly patch while you're standing up."
"Much worse to be actually on the table."
Koh didn't strap him down however. He even had Kirk hold two corners while he worked. With the belly patch in place, Koh told him to get up and follow him. They went to Room B, and Koh put him through a basic workout. Nothing terribly strenuous, just enough to familiarize Kirk with the routine. After an hour of it, they returned to Room A.
"How do you feel now?"
"It was much better in the other room, but now that I'm back in here, it hit me like a ton of bricks."
"What did?"
"The fear. Seems worse, the longer you put it off."
"Hmm. And how do you feel physically?"
"Awful. I mean, I feel sick."
"Describe symptoms."
So Kirk did. Dizziness, seeing double, weak yet tense muscles, shaking, clammy skin, hot yet cold, very sensitive to touch.
"Every one of those symptoms is drug-induced. Last time, you were so overcome by the pain, that you didn't even notice these things. Lie down. Close your eyes. Relax. Completely. I want you to accept what the drugs are doing to you. You can't control it. Don't try. Let it wash over you."
"Why are you teaching me how to cope? Isn't that counterproductive?"
"I have my reasons. Don't worry. I can write a suitable report: victim commanded to relax in spite of drug-induced muscle tension, and other similar phrases. And you can do it; I know you can."
Kirk took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. Koh watched, smiled, then picked up a wrist and let it fall.
"Good. Keep that relaxed body all the way through what I'm going to do next, without my having to say any more about it."
Koh strapped Kirk down, flipped the table over, then lifted it off him. Normally this would have produced a gasp. Not this time. Kirk sagged against the straps supporting him, his head hanging. Koh went to work, attaching wires to Kirk's head. When he was finished, he flipped Kirk back onto his back and removed the straps.
"Well, how was that?"
"I'm still relaxed, but it's a struggle. You're driving me crazy with your teasing."
"Do you mind?"
"No, which makes me even crazier."
"At least you're consistent. You've always wanted me to tease. And as soon as you realize I'm doing it, you start laughing. Now, open your eyes."
He handed Kirk the helmet.
"As soon as you put this on, the only sight and sound input you'll get is from the helmet. You won't hear me leave to turn it on, or come back in here. Three things I want you to do. First, sort out the difference between drug-induced symptoms, and helmet-induced sensations. Secondly, stay relaxed. In spite of what the helmet is telling your brain, you will be lying on this table, completely unrestrained, totally relaxed. I should be able to touch you at random and get no response; lift a hand or foot and let it fall freely. Lastly, I want you to enjoy the ride. You have likened this to an amusement park ride, and we have enjoyed many hours playing with it. I want to know if you still enjoy it, in spite of the drugs which are making you miserable. Any questions?"
"How long is the ride?"
"I've got five or six hours of original tape before I have to start repeating anything. But I'm not telling you how long this particular ride is. When the tape stops, you can take off the helmet."
"Okay." Kirk's cheerful acquiescence showed the question had been merely curiosity, rather than anxiety or apprehension.
Kirk donned the helmet, Koh checked to make sure it was tight, then went to turn on the tape. While there, he glanced at the stress reader: not low, but nowhere near the top of the chart either. He returned to Room A several times to check Kirk's body for relaxation. By the time an hour had gone by, his stress reading was lower than when he'd started the tape, and his body was still completely relaxed.
He turned off the tape and went to talk to Kirk. His descriptions made it clear he had little trouble differentiating between the two types of sensations. Although he admitted that he'd been unaware and unable to sort out such things the first time.
"Now I want to find out if you can distinguish between the two types of skin patches. Also whether you can maintain relaxation throughout this test. This is a multiple choice test. A is the first type; B is the second; C is for both at once; D is neither; and E is you can't tell what it is. Every time you think it changes, speak out the letter. Don't wait for me to ask you. Any questions?"
"Why don't you strap me down?"
"Except for the head wires, which are attached to the equipment and have a limited range, you could do this test anywhere in the lab. However it is my impression that it is easier to relax while lying down. Perhaps a more important reason is that it gives you the opportunity to continue to prove your acceptance of what I do."
"Indeed."
Koh set in motion a pre-programmed sequence, varying the intensity of the pain and the speed of the changes. After half an hour, Kirk still had a perfect score and a relaxed body.
"Congratulations. I'm impressed. Now put the helmet back on and do it again."
Kirk complied without a word of protest or complaint. His score the second time was 90%, due to the distractions of the helmet input, but his body was still relaxed. Without warning, Koh flipped him onto the straps and took off the helmet.
"Talk to me."
"What shall I say? The effort to relax becomes almost impossible."
Kirk took a deep breath and sagged against the straps. Koh ran his finger down Kirk's spine. He didn't scream, but he gasped and arched his back, his whole body suddenly rigid with tension. Koh waited until Kirk started to relax, and then did it again. Same response. After several such repetitions, Kirk was thoroughly frustrated.
"I can't! You're making it impossible!"
"Are you mad at me?"
"No. I'm angry with me."
"You can do this, so don't say you can't. If you've done it before, it's not impossible."
"Okay. I'll keep trying."
It took the better part of half an hour, with Koh repeatedly stroking his spine, but finally Kirk managed to relax. Koh put the helmet back on and returned to the monitoring room. The stress reader registered at almost the top of the chart. Kirk was under more stress now than he had been with the skin patch test. Koh was mystified. He returned to Room A, and before removing the helmet, stroked Kirk's back again.
Immediately Kirk tensed up again. He growled in frustration. Koh let him relax completely before he did it again. It took almost another half hour before Kirk could stay relaxed through random touches. Koh took off the helmet and began to remove the head wires.
"Your stress reading is very high. Why?"
"This is very hard work. The emotional component that goes with relaxing is very difficult. Maybe I'm afraid you'll quit before I succeed. This is taking too long."
"Kirk, it's taken you one hour to do what it took you three hours to do the last time you tried. Not that I'm surprised. It never takes you as long the second time. And for what it's worth, I am no more a quitter than you are. Now get up. I know you've been wondering how you might manage it, so here's your chance. Preferably without disturbing any of the skin patches, please."
"You don't ask much."
Wondering if he might end up in a tangled heap, Kirk put his hands on the chest strap and vaulted out of the straps, clearing the frame, and landing neatly on his feet in front of Koh.
"Have I done that before too?"
"No, but I had no doubt that you could. Now go into Room B and do a complete workout. Same thing you did the last time, only this time, these-" He put his fingers on the skin patches, "will be turned on."
Kirk made no reply but immediately turned and did as he was told. Koh went to the monitoring room. He switched on both devices at once, full strength. Kirk gasped and staggered, but did not go down. He slowly proceeded through the workout exercises. He did not forget anything, nor did he pause to recover, but steadily focused on completing the task. When he was finished, he returned to Room A, without being told to do so, and climbed back onto the table straps. Koh observed that the stress reading was near the top.
"Talk to me."
"All the way through that workout, I feared a return to this."
"So you do the thing you fear; I see. All right, hop back out of there now. There's six injections on the counter. After that, put on the leg manacles, and the gloves. Then climb back onto the table straps."
Kirk complied without hesitation. When he returned to the table, Koh noted the stress reading was nudging the very top. Kirk didn't look any more stressed out than he had before, but he was. Koh watched him struggle to relax. Shaking his head, and sighing to himself, Koh went into Room A. He ran a finger down Kirk's spine, but got no reaction. Kirk had been expecting it.
Koh went to work on the head wires, occasionally stroking Kirk's spine as he worked. Kirk remained relaxed and unmoving. Incredible control, thought Koh. Then without warning, he flipped Kirk onto his back again. No gasp, no tension. Koh looked into Kirk's eyes.
"What's funny?"
"By definition, it's impossible to expect the unexpected. Doesn't keep me from wanting to, though."
"You're laughing at yourself again." He paused thoughtfully. "Kirk, I have teased you unmercifully for the last four hours. Your stress level is higher now than when you got here. But you just think it's funny. Why don't you hate me?"
"I don't know. Perhaps because I sense your heart is not cruel and uncaring. Maybe because what you're doing is helping me learn to cope. Mind you, I don't expect to be able to control myself after you put those wires in my back. If I can avoid screaming, I'll count it a major accomplishment."
"I understand."
Kirk managed to remain silent for about two hours, through sheer force of will. The pain was intensely awful, worse than he had remembered. And the agony went on for hours upon hours. He sensed that it would be easier to take if he could accept it and not fight it, but he couldn't control himself. He was still screaming late the next afternoon when Koh finally turned it off. It was time for another show.