Chapter 46

The next night when Kirk returned to the lab, Koh put the wires in at once. Kirk remained silent for four hours, then lost control again. The next time he managed almost eight hours before he fell apart. This was a double-long session; due to the show schedule, they had an extra day. So after four hours of preliminary teasing, eight hours of silent endurance, and twelve hours of screaming, they still had sixteen hours to go.

When the screams degenerated into whimpers, Koh lowered the line on Kirk's collar, hoping he could relax enough to survive the rest of it. His vitals improved slightly with the higher intake of oxygen. But relaxation seemed impossible. Koh began to talk to him. At first it was quiet encouragement. When two hours of this did not produce any results, Koh resorted to more drastic measures: yelling, mockery, and contempt. Nothing seemed to help. And Kirk either couldn't or wouldn't talk to him.

Somehow they survived those hours. When Koh turned it all off and began to remove the hardware, Kirk was very passive and still said nothing. They got through the show that night, but Kirk behaved like a zombie. Koh hoped a good night's rest would help. It didn't. The next morning, Kirk still lay in a corner of Konti's bedroom, curled in a fetal position, unwilling to eat or speak. Koh and Konti talked in the main room.

"Koh, what shall I do with him?"

"I'm not sure how much to push, but he's got to snap out of it. The thing is, I can't offer him any very good reason to snap out of it. Kezak says it spoils the show. Though I didn't think it was that bad. Kirk can perform in his sleep. So the only reason to make him snap out of it is so that he can say the pain didn't conquer him."

"If he doesn't snap out of it, how is he going to get back to your lab tonight?"

"Good point. That brings me to another problem. Korn is demanding a higher stress level, though why he's not satisfied with what he saw yesterday, I don't know."

"Yes, you do. As long as Kirk can do a show within hours of leaving your lab, he's not broken. As long as he willingly returns for more, you haven't reached the limit. If Kirk were himself, you know what he would say: don't be afraid of it. Do what you have to. I will still be your friend."

"But he's not himself, and I don't know if he would still call me friend."

"Go ask him. He's not asleep."

"You think he'll talk to me?"

"I think he'll answer that question. Friendship is more important to him than food."

"If he were himself, yes, but now?"

"Just go ask. You've nothing to lose."

So Koh entered the bedroom, followed by Konti. They stopped several feet away from Kirk, not wanting him to feel threatened.

"Kirk, can you hear me?" Koh began.

No response.

"Konti thinks you will answer my question. I want to know if you still consider me a friend. If the answer is yes, I want you to stand up and look at me."

After the briefest of hesitations, Kirk uncurled himself, stood up, and gazed at Koh. His expression was unreadable, but the message was clear.

"Are you coming to my lab tonight then?"

Kirk nodded without hesitation.

"You should know then that Korn is demanding something worse. If you were yourself, I would ask you-"

"Ask him anyway," interrupted Konti.

Koh turned to Konti. "You can't be serious."

"I am. Ask him, expecting an answer."

Koh gave Konti an odd look, then turned back to Kirk.

"Do you understand what Konti is telling me?"

Kirk nodded.

"All right then. What can I do to make it worse? To make your life more miserable, the pain more intolerable?"

Kirk's voice was a hoarse whisper. "Oxygen deprivation makes the pain less felt. Rig the head harness so I can't do that."

"Okay. Anything else?"

Kirk took a deep breath. "No breaks."

"Explain."

"No time off. You let me out only long enough to do the shows."

"Until when?"

"I don't know. Does it matter?"

"That's crazy! Non-stop agony for the indefinite future, except for six hours off every two or three days. It'll kill you!"

"Isn't that the idea? I should think it'll take about three weeks. Is that long enough to satisfy?"

"You think I'm trying to kill you?!"

"No, but you will, to save Konti having to do it."

"There are faster ways to kill you."

"Yes, but that would not satisfy Korn."

"Actually Korn likes you when he's not angry. It's his superiors that want you dead. And yes, they want you to suffer long and hard."

"So give them what they want. It doesn't matter to me."

"It doesn't?"

"Dead is dead. It doesn't make much difference how I get there."

"It ought to. But I have to go; I'm due in Korn's office in ten minutes. Promise me this: talk to Konti, and don't spend the day curled in a ball trying to avoid reality."

Kirk nodded. Koh left.

After breakfast, Konti wanted to talk.

"Let's forget the language tapes today. Will you talk to me instead?"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Several things. First, why do you consider Koh a friend? You have suffered much at his hands."

"I don't know. I don't understand it myself. At first, I was certain I would never trust you, never forget you were Klingons. But now I think of you as Konti, as Koh, not as Klingons. You have personalities, strengths, weaknesses, needs, and desires. Trusting you is easy, because you care about me. I can feel it. So does Koh. He cares too much. You both do.

"As for the pain, I know Koh is doing it, but I don't put him in the same box with the pain. The two are separate. I can hate the pain without hating Koh. Though the fact is, I don't hate the pain either. At least, not yet."

"Talk to me about the pain. How are you dealing with it?"

"Not very successfully. I can control my reaction to the fear of it. Koh helped me with that last week. But the pain itself is a different matter. There are several different kinds of pain all going on at once. The cumulative effect is overwhelming. With one exception, not one of them is all that awful by itself. The exception is the wires in the back, and he's never given me a chance to find out if I could cope with it all by itself."

"Tell me about the wires in the back."

"He's got some kind of a machine that immobilizes my back while he puts the wires in. He doesn't use it to take them out, just tells me to hold still. Anyway putting them in and taking them out is no big deal. It's what happens after he turns the thing on. It's a random pattern; sometimes just one wire; often three or four; and at unpredictable intervals, all twenty at once. It's excruciating pain at the spine, coupled with shooting pain along the nerve to its extremity. It drives me crazy, and that's exactly what it's supposed to do."

"Are you able to relax at all?"

"With some of the other stuff, yes; not with the wires in the back. All I've been able to do is maintain silence, and even that I can't do for very long. Sooner or later, I end up screaming for hours on end. That's why I have no voice left. This last one, we had lots of extra time. Koh tried to get me to relax after I was too exhausted to scream, but it didn't work. He finally gave up. He's frustrated. He thinks I can figure out how to do this. He says if I can recapture it, I have the ability to tolerate any level of pain with ease. But I can't."

"Can I ask you a tough question?"

"Sure. Transparency is part of the program."

"You have been exhibiting classic signs of major depression. Do you know its source? Are you willing to open it up to me for healing?"

"Yes, though I don't know what you can do. I'm depressed because I can't conquer the pain. I can't force my body to accept it. In spite of my best efforts, my body insists on fighting it, even after I'm too exhausted to do so."

"So it's not the thought of death by three solid weeks of agony?"

"Maybe that contributes, but it's definitely not the source. I feel so defeated. I've never had to face a situation where my body refuses to do what I tell it to."

"This will sound contrary, but the first step to get where you want to go is to admit and accept the fact that you can't do it. Or are you still thinking there must be a way?"

"Well, unless Koh is lying to me, there is a way, because I did it. But I can't find it; I've tried everything I know to do. So for all practical purposes, it's true that I can't do it."

"You're admitting it then, but as long as it's making you depressed, you're not accepting it. May I pray for you?"

"You need my permission?"

"There's a limit to what I can pray for without your assent."

"Go ahead then."

"Lord Jesus, I am coming to You on Kirk's behalf, because he has forgotten who You are. But he does belong to You, and he is righteous in Your sight. Jesus, send Your supernatural peace right now. Demons causing this depression, I bind you, in the name of Jesus. You may not operate in Kirk's life. Peace and joy are flooding his soul right now. Thank you, Jesus!"

Konti looked at Kirk and smiled. Kirk began to laugh. Konti joined him and they carried on for several minutes. Konti recovered first.

"Talk to me."

"Nothing's changed, but everything's changed. There's power in your praying, like I've never experienced before. When you said, 'peace and joy', I suddenly felt washed. The depression is gone - simply vanished! But I'm overwhelmed! It's like a tidal wave - I can't contain it!"

"Don't try, just enjoy it. There's no one here but us. Let it overwhelm you."

So Kirk laughed again. After a while he stood up and began to pace, still laughing. Some ten minutes later, he lay on his back in the middle of the floor, still quietly laughing. Konti watched, smiled, and prayed for more. Kirk began to shake violently.

"Don't try to stop it. Let it happen."

Konti continued to pray for more. Suddenly Kirk sat up and began to sob. Konti sat on the floor next to him, but did not touch him or speak. After the sobs diminished and disappeared, Kirk lay down again. His face was peaceful, with a slight smile. A few minutes later, he turned onto his stomach, and took several deep breaths. His body looked completely relaxed. He spoke languidly.

"Touch me."

Konti ran a finger down Kirk's spine.

"Like this?"

"mm-hmm. Do it again."

Konti did, and Kirk sighed contently. A few minutes later, Kirk turned over and smiled up at Konti.

"I don't suppose this will last?"

"I don't know. When you did this for me, it lasted for hours, but not days. My impression is that before you lost your memory, you lived here all the time. Very little cracked your peace. And even now, you could have it, if you would call on Jesus and ask for it. He let me do this for you once, to show you what's possible. But if you want it in the lab, you'll have to ask Him yourself."

"It still hurts; I just don't care."

"I know. I lasted through a 450-lash beating. I felt every stroke, but the peace was so wonderful, I would've cheerfully let it go on indefinitely."

"450 lashes?!"

"Yes. Jesus has unlimited power to overcome whatever you're facing. All you have to do is ask."

"Everybody dies sometime."

"Jesus has conquered death too. One of the first things you said to me was that when you died, it would be when God decided it was time, even if it was my hand plunging the knife into your heart. I remember being shocked at how certain you were."

"Yes, well, whatever."

Kirk sat up, looking a little uncomfortable. "Since this is probably the last day I'll get to spend with you, what would you like to do with the time?"

Konti looked at Kirk and hesitated. He felt the Spirit of the Lord speaking. Don't coddle him. Ignore his discomfort. He will listen.

"My heart's desire is for you to know Jesus. There's nothing I want more than to sit here and talk about Him. I have prayed earnestly that He would restore your memory. But you can know Him even if you never get your memory back. That upcoming marathon session in the lab does not have to end in death. If you will quit being so stubborn, and open your heart to Him the same way you opened your body to receive His peace, He will show you Himself even more powerfully than He has done this morning. Can you imagine being so caught up in the joy and peace of the Lord, that the hours of agony go by as if they were nothing?"

"No, I can't."

"Lie down. Turn over. Now drink in the Lord's peace for a minute."

Kirk took two deep breaths and sighed.

"Now imagine that you're feeling that pain right now."

"I don't think I have that good an imagination."

"All right. How about this then: when I touch you, it will feel just like the wires."

"Go ahead."

Konti played a random pattern with the fingers of both hands on Kirk's spine. He screamed; Konti stopped.

"You didn't believe it would feel like the wires."

"No, I didn't. What did you do?"

"Doesn't matter. Are you willing to let me do it again? This time, stay in the peace; don't get distracted."

Kirk did not reply, but took a deep breath and visibly relaxed. Konti tapped and stroked Kirk's spine for the next five minutes. No reaction. He sat back and studied Kirk, who looked asleep.

"Well? Did that feel like the wires?"

"Yes, it did." Kirk turned over and gazed at Konti. "And you're right, that's what I want to be able to do, and can't. But even if I could access this peace at the lab, there's a big difference between five minutes and fifty hours."

"Yes, there is. How many hours would it take to convince you the peace doesn't disappear with time?"

"I thought you said it did, that it was good for hours, but not days."

"That's if you have to get it through me, which you don't. You can have an unlimited supply constantly, just by asking for it. What will it take to convince you to ask for it?"

"I don't know."

"Kirk, I would gladly take your place at the lab if they would let me." He paused thoughtfully. "That gives me an idea. I wonder if Koh is busy today. Excuse me."

Konti got up, went to his terminal, called Koh, and chattered in Klingon for several minutes. Kirk got the impression that Koh wasn't very happy, but finally agreed to Konti's request. Konti switched off the terminal, and turned to Kirk.

"Get up. We're going for a ride. Save your objections til we get there."

Kirk rose and followed Konti to the flitter.

"How can I object if I don't know where we're going and why?"

"You're smart enough to have figured out where we're going, and I know you well enough to know you're going to object, vigorously. You're about to find out that I'm as stubborn as you are. Koh already knows it."

"Why would I object to where we're going?"

"Not to where, but to what we're going to do after we get there. Now stop trying to pump me for information. You'll find out soon enough."