Chapter 47
Kirk chuckled, but asked no more questions. Nor was he at all surprised to find their destination was the lab. It did surprise him to observe that the peace was active to the extent that he felt no apprehension. His expectation, that the session was going to start now instead of at midnight, brought no fear. Koh met them in Room A.
"Well, you didn't waste any time. I've just finished installing this monitor. Now I can read the stress level from here as well as from in there."
He gestured at the monitoring window.
"That's great! Have you got that remote toggle switch around here somewhere?"
"You want to be able to turn it off? Sure, I can rig that up in a matter of minutes. Do me a favor, hop on the table. I want to see if this thing works."
Konti sat on the table.
"Hmm. That's a low reading. Kirk, let me see what yours says."
Konti and Kirk exchanged positions.
"Very odd. Both readings are in the basement. Stay put a minute. Let me check this in the other room."
Koh left. Kirk and Konti smiled at each other but said nothing. A moment later, Koh's voice came through the speaker.
"Konti, let me get your reading again please."
Kirk and Konti switched places again. A moment later, Koh was back in Room A.
"All right, what are you guys not telling me? Has Kirk got his memory back? Nobody has readings that low in the torture chamber, except Kirk, before the mindsifter."
Konti laughed; Kirk smiled, and shook his head. Konti explained.
"It's the peace of the Lord that gives low stress readings. Kirk lost that peace along with his memory. I gave it back to him this morning. But it's temporary, unless Kirk asks the Lord himself. That's why we're here. I want to convince him to ask." He turned to Kirk. "I don't suppose you're convinced?"
"The peace is flowing to the extent that I don't care that the session is starting now instead of at midnight. But I still don't believe it'll last long enough to make any real difference in the long run."
"That's not the question. Are you willing to ask Jesus to give you His peace?"
"I don't know."
"Then we proceed as planned. Koh, go ahead and set up that remote switch. And is there any way you can run a microphone in here so we can talk?"
"Yes. He'll have to wear it. I can't pick up the whole room, without having a feedback problem."
"Understood. Let me know when you're ready to start putting on hardware."
"Okay, but Kirk knows how to do most of it."
Koh left, and Kirk started for the box of wire leads. Konti stopped him.
"Kirk, wait. This is not what you think."
Kirk turned to Konti with a look of puzzlement.
"Your session does not start til midnight. We are here now, because I am going to wear the hardware, not you. I am going to show you the Lord's peace in action. Koh will set it up and turn it on, but you will have the cutoff switch. There's only one rule for when you can turn it off, and that's when you've decided to say 'yes' to Jesus. If I start screaming, you can pray for me, but you may not turn it off. If you don't make that decision, then it stays on until midnight, when it's your turn."
Koh walked in during the last sentence.
"Better make it 2200 hours. There's things I have to do between the two of you."
"Fine, then. That still gives us almost twelve hours. Koh, I want to make sure you understand I want everything exactly the way you would do it for Kirk: same intensity levels, not adjusted for what you think I can tolerate."
"Konti, your body has not developed nearly the tolerance for pain that Kirk's has. You don't know what you're asking for."
"Yes, I do. I'm asking for something that will be impossible to tolerate short of the miraculous. I want as powerful a demonstration as you can manage. That means zero to max on everything all at once, too."
"Konti! That's crazy!"
"Will you do it?"
Konti and Koh stared at each other for a moment, then Koh relented.
"Yes, but I'm checking your vitals. Stubborn patients try my patience."
Konti laughed. Koh began preparing injections as he gave instructions.
"Pile your clothes in that corner. Take these injections first. That way, by the time I'm ready to turn everything on, you'll be feeling suitably miserable. Lately, we've been doing the IV's before the skin patches. Kirk, let me know if you need help with any of it."
Koh departed without waiting for a reply. Konti finished removing his clothes, took the injections, and thrust an arm through the hole to receive an IV needle. He looked at Kirk, who had neither moved nor spoken.
"Talk to me, Kirk."
Kirk turned haunted eyes on Konti.
"Don't do this. Please." His voice was little more than a whisper.
Konti was tempted to change his mind, because Kirk was so upset. But no, Kirk needed this, even though it would be hard for him.
"I'm going to do it. You don't have to watch. You can go work out, eat a meal, go for a walk, even take a nap."
Kirk mutely shook his head. Finished with the second IV, Konti turned to the box of leads.
"Can you help me sort this out?"
Kirk went to work efficiently, but silently, using gestures to communicate. Together they put on all the skin patches of both kinds. Kirk helped Konti put the gloves on, then had him lie down so Kirk could install the belly patch. When he was ready for the face mask, Konti stopped him.
"Kirk, I want to say this while I can still see you. I'm sorry you're so upset. I knew this would be hard for you. Please, do not blame yourself for my pain. I choose to do this because I want to. It's not your fault. Kirk, above all, you are a man of integrity. I want your word that you will not turn it off without having made the decision to open your heart to Jesus."
Kirk nodded, still unable to speak.
"I trust you, Kirk. Thank you."
Koh came in and attached a microphone to Kirk's collar. Then he finished the preparations Kirk could not do. Lastly, he handed Kirk the remote cutoff switch. Barely glancing at it, Kirk put it on the counter. Koh retreated to the monitoring room.
"Konti, can you hear me?"
"Loud and clear."
"Kirk, say something, so I can test your mic."
"I have nothing to say."
"That came through just fine, Koh."
"Last chance to change your mind."
"You know better than to ask."
"Konti, don't die on me."
"I won't, Koh. It's a promise."
Kirk stared at Konti, fists clenched, body rigid. Konti gasped and began writhing in agony when Koh turned on the equipment. Koh checked carefully, but Konti's vitals looked good, and the stress reading remained very low. It took Konti almost an hour to get his response under control, during which he occasionally breathed a quiet, "Jesus!", but otherwise did not speak.
"Sorry that took so long. I don't have much experience doing this."
"That you can do it at all is absolutely amazing, and your stress reading never rose either. Kirk is the only one I know who can do what you just did."
"Jesus is the source of the power for both. Anyway, I'll be fine now, so you can go to bed, Koh. And thanks."
"You're welcome. But I'm not leaving yet."
"Suit yourself. Kirk, are you still here?"
"Yes."
"Take a deep breath and relax. Where is the peace of the Lord?"
"Vanished."
"I'm sorry. Tell me what it's like to watch this."
"Awful. Terrible. Horrible. Gut-twisting anguish." Kirk could hardly spit out the words, he was so upset.
"Is it better now than it was?"
"Not appreciably. The pain doesn't go away, just because you're not screaming. And even if you're controlling it now, that doesn't mean you won't be screaming later."
"That's what we're here to find out. Koh, how many hours has Kirk managed to avoid screaming?"
"The last time, he went almost eight hours."
"Well, we've got more than that now. So go do something else, and come back in eight hours."
"No," Kirk flatly declared.
"Then talk to me, or we're both going to be bored."
"What shall I say?"
"Tell me what you're thinking about, or feeling, or ask me a question."
"I'd much rather be where you are than where I am. Can't we just forget this? I don't have to control it. It's not worth your agony."
"Kirk, it's worth your life. Stop blaming yourself. It was my decision. It's worth every minute to show you the power of Jesus."
"How can I not blame myself? You set it up that way. Every minute, every hour you suffer is because I won't press the switch to turn it off."
"That's because it needs to stay on until you're convinced, and we don't know how long that will take."
Kirk shuddered and voiced his despair. "What if I never get there?"
"I'm quite prepared to stay here until Koh says we're out of time. Indeed, my expectation is for long hours of it."
"Konti, why are you doing this?"
"I told you, to show you the power of Jesus in action."
"But why do you care about me enough to endure this? It's one thing to say you're going to; it's quite another to be in the middle of it, and say 'yes' to hours more."
"Kirk, you don't remember it, but you have endured so much for me that this is nothing in comparison. But you would have been appalled at the idea that I owe you this. You didn't do it with the expectation of getting anything in return. You did it because of Jesus' love. And that is why I am doing it: Jesus loves you and wants you to know Him."
"Then why doesn't He give me back my memory?" Kirk objected.
"He can't."
"That's crazy. God can do anything."
"There are some things God can't do: He cannot lie; He cannot violate His word; He cannot be other than who He is. Right now, He cannot give you back your memory any more than you can press the cutoff switch, no matter how much you want to."
"Are you saying it would violate His word?"
"When He created sentient life, He gave us freedom of choice. He cannot take back that freedom without violating His word. Though He knows what you need, He cannot give it to you unless you choose to receive it. If you are not open to receiving His peace, He cannot force you to receive the greater miracle."
"So if I want the benefits, I have to say 'yes' to Jesus. I wonder what made me say 'yes' the first time."
"As I understand it, you had your back up against the wall, with nothing to lose, and everything to gain."
Konti shared what he knew of Kirk's testimony.
"Sounds like I'm too stubborn for my own good. You better give up on me as a hopeless case."
"I will not give up. I'm as stubborn as you are."
They talked for hours, about many things. One or the other would occasionally return to the subject of Jesus, or Konti's pain. Konti understood that Kirk was waiting for him to fall apart, so he shared freely how he was doing with the pain.
At no time was he traumatized by it. He had spent the first hour trying to figure out how to use the peace of Jesus to eliminate the outward reaction. After that, it was easy. He felt the pain - could describe it to Kirk in detail. But the peace flowed through him and removed the need to react to the pain. Nor did it become more difficult with the passage of time. If anything, it was easier - more automatic.
Kirk however, did not find the passage of time easier. As the hours wore on, he became more agitated. He felt obligated to tell Konti why he continued to refuse Jesus. Konti had an answer for every objection, but he was not pushy or impatient. He wanted Kirk to understand, but he was in no hurry for him to make a decision. Kirk's sense of urgency came from within himself. If he could force himself to decide, then he could turn off Konti's pain. But it wasn't the kind of thing that could be forced.
Two of the objections that he raised repeatedly were that he didn't deserve it, and that the power couldn't last. Konti's answers were simple and direct, and he didn't mind repeating them as many times as necessary. About every hour, Konti would suggest Kirk go elsewhere. He always refused. Finally he got annoyed with the question.
"Are you trying to get rid of me? So you can start screaming as soon as I'm out the door? Or even get Koh to turn it off?"
"No, Kirk, I'm not trying to get rid of you. I only thought it would be easier for you to endure this if you were doing something else."
"Easier for me?! And what about you? Don't tell me this is easy for you!"
"Actually, what I'm doing is not hard work. It's not even difficult emotionally. Where the grace of Jesus is, the task is easy."
Konti never did answer Kirk's accusations about what he would do if Kirk left. Another time, Kirk voiced another accusation.
"How do I know you're really in pain? Maybe Koh turned the whole thing off hours ago."
"Pick up a skin patch; see if it's live. Test three or four."
Kirk did so.
"Now press the cutoff switch and see if they're still live."
"But-"
"It's okay. We should have done this before, to make sure the switch works."
So Kirk turned it off and verified that the skin patches were dead.
"Now, after a bit, turn it back on, and don't tell me when."
Kirk complied without protest, watching Konti carefully. No reaction.
"Now take the cutoff switch and go into the monitoring room. Koh's gone to bed, but he doesn't lock it. Play with the cutoff switch for a while. Turn it on and off three or four times. See what happens to the dials and lights on the equipment. When you're satisfied, come on back in here."
So Kirk went, kicking himself mentally. He should have just kept his mouth shut. He knew how much more difficult the pain was to take after a brief respite. Though he varied the length of each respite, there was no visible reaction from Konti to any of it, even when he left it off a full five minutes. He returned to Room A.
"Konti, how can you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Refuse to let yourself react. Not a twitch, not even a hesitation in your breathing. And you couldn't know when I was going to hit the switch."
"It's not that I'm refusing to allow a reaction. It's not a matter of sufficient willpower. It's the power of Jesus exerting His peace over my body. I'm not doing anything, except receiving His peace. That peace is undisturbed by the presence or absence of pain."
Another time Kirk again asked Konti how he could do what he was doing.
"Would you like to see what happens without the peace of Jesus?"
"What do you mean?"
"I could ask the Lord to withdraw His peace for a time, so you can see what happens without it."
"Why would you do such a thing?"
"Because the Lord loves you, and He wants me to show you His power. How long shall I ask for?"
"I don't know."
"Lord, five minutes doesn't seem long enough for an effective demonstration, but I don't know if we have enough time left to take a two-hour chunk out of it. So use Your own judgment on how long, but make the difference real obvious. Thank you, Lord.
"Kirk, watch the stress reader."
Immediately it began to climb. Within minutes, Konti was again gasping and writhing in agony. Kirk watched with clenched fists. The stress reading continued to climb. Konti's reaction became more and more agitated. Finally after about twenty minutes, he began to scream. Kirk could stand no more.
"Stop it!" he yelled.
"I can't!" was Konti's reply.
Kirk whirled to stare at the cutoff switch lying on the counter. Konti had expressly forbidden him to turn it off under these circumstances. He pounded his fist in frustration. Then he turned back to Konti, willing himself to watch and listen, and accept the emotional agony. He felt the least he could do was endure it along with Konti.
About ten minutes later, it abruptly stopped. Mid-scream, Konti took a deep breath and sighed. The stress reading plummeted. His muscles relaxed, and he spoke calmly. "Thank you, Lord. Kirk, are you still here?"
Kirk also took a deep breath, and tried to relax.
"Yes. Did you think I would leave?"
"I would not have blamed you. It was pretty bad. I can see why you want to not scream. How did you manage to last eight hours?!"
"By refusing to let myself give in to it. Once I start screaming, it's hopeless; I can't stop. So you've convinced me that whatever your secret is, it's pretty powerful. So, can we quit now?"
"Have you decided to say 'yes' to Jesus?"
Kirk did not reply.
"Then we're not quitting til Koh says we have to. Kirk, the secret is Jesus. What more can I say or do to convince you?"
"It's obvious you have some power I don't have. You say it's Jesus, but the only way I can be sure you're right is to take the risk, make the commitment, and then find out if there's really power in it. Now I won't say I'm not a risk-taker, because I am. But I haven't decided yet whether I want the power bad enough to make such a commitment. Once made, I can't run my life the way I see fit any more; I have to do what Jesus wants. Maybe by the time I was 50, I'd made enough of a botch of my life, that turning over the decision-making power to someone else was a relief. But at age 16, I'm still foolish enough to think I know what I want better than anyone else.
"So you see, my lack of decision has nothing to do with you. You've made your point very well. There's nothing more you can do. So can we please quit this now? Enough is enough." Kirk took two steps away and turned back, wondering if further begging would help.
"We are not quitting for two reasons. First, I will not change the rules in the middle of this. What I said at the beginning stands, because it would violate my integrity to do otherwise. I'm sorry you don't like it, but it won't kill you, and as I said before, you don't have to watch."
"But I'm going to. What's the second reason?"
"If we quit now, you would always wonder whether I could have finished strong, or if I would have fallen apart. Koh won't let me do two or three days of this, or I would, just to build your faith. It would be no more difficult for me than what I have already done, but I can't prove it."
Konti paused thoughtfully, then seemed to change the subject.
"Kirk, do you have any close friends?"
"Depends what you mean by close. I have a couple of buddies at school; then there's Sam - that's my older brother. He just- but, that happened thirty years ago. Any friends I had are long gone now. And any friends I've made since then, that I don't remember, undoubtedly think I'm dead. Why do you ask?"
"Your school buddies, or your brother Sam - do you ever share with them things that are real important to you?"
Kirk shook his head. "No, not really. School is no place for that kind of thing. Sam? Well, he would defend me to the death. But then, he would turn around and tease me unmercifully. So I don't give him any ammunition if I can help it."
"Would you be interested in a relationship with someone who would never tease, with whom you could share anything, and get unconditional acceptance?"
"Oh, I don't mind Sam's teasing. It's a game we play. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me - on the contrary. He explained it to me about twelve years ago. Some of it sounds really mean, but he does it to make me strong. When he finds an area of weakness, he hammers at it constantly until I can laugh. A couple of years ago, he was complaining one day that he couldn't find anything to tease me about. I said, 'don't let that stop you'. So since then, we've just had a lot of fun with it."
"I'm not surprised, but that doesn't answer my question. Are you interested in a relationship in which you're completely accepted, whether you're strong or not?"
"I don't think you understand," Kirk insisted. "I don't need acceptance from anybody. It's what I think of myself that drives me. And I require me to be strong, always."
"And are you always strong?"
"No."
"So what happens when you don't live up to your expectations?"
"I keep working at it until I change - become strong. Doesn't matter how long it takes; there's no such thing as 'give up'."
"Do you ever accept help in your quest to be strong?"
"Of course. But it has to be from someone who understands. Help from someone who thinks I shouldn't be driving myself isn't help at all."
"Is being strong the most important thing to you?"
Kirk thought for a moment. "No. Integrity and duty are more important. Though I can't say I recall a conflict between them. Being strong helps me do the right thing and stand on my word."
"Jesus understands you perfectly. He can help you be strong if you let Him. He will not try to make you be other than who you are. But it is a choice between life and death. If you refuse His help, you will die. I cannot save your life, but Jesus can, and He will, if you let Him. It's your choice. But don't wait too long to decide."