Chapter 28: Blackmailed
By Archet
Dedicated to my ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN REVIEWERS BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL AMAZING
28. I will not re-enact Gollum finding the ring during the Council of Elrond
Bilbo Baggins of Rivendell (previously of Bag End) was holding a white pointing stick. You know, one of the things teachers used back in third grade to point at maps on the wall and tap on your desk when you're not paying attention. Bilbo was not tapping on anyone's desk. He was, however, using it to point at a flowchart, which had a picture of a skeleton on it.
"You see here," said the hobbit, pointing out the multiple neck bones, "these are the bones that would need to break in the neck of a Stoor in order to kill him or her. This can be achieved with a thrust against the throat, perhaps by pinning someone against a tree." He pointed with his white pointing stick to a random birch tree just outside the Council Room, "like that one right there."
He was of course talking about the death of Déagol the Stoor, who is infamous for being Gollum's first humanish kill, in order to steal the Ring. He also happened to be giving this lecture right in the middle of the Council of Elrond, which was not only awkward for Lord Elrond, but also for most of his guests and supervisors. Especially the supervisors. (Erestor was looking particularly murderous at the calamity interrupting his perfectly scheduled council).
"AND NOW," announced Bilbo, who became excited very easily. The others shook themselves out of sleep and, rubbing their eyes, focused on the old hobbit once more, "PRESENTING GLORFINDEL AND GALDOR, WHO HAVE GRACIOUSLY VOLUNTEERED TO ACT AS SMEAGOL AND DEAGOL IN OUR LIVE DEMONSTRATION OF THIS HISTORICAL MOMENT."
Out from behind some pillar came Glorfindel in a grey Oliphant costume, being steered on the shoulder by Galdor. "I was blackmailed into this, you know!" he yelled at Aragorn, Elladan and Elrohir who where trying to hold in their laughter.
"I believe you are wearing my Halloween costume from when I was 8, Master Elf," smirked the Ranger in response.
"It's the only remotely greyish thing IN THIS WHOLE STUPID CASTLE!"
"Not a castle," muttered Elrond and Erestor at the same time.
"I volunteered for free!" said Galdor randomly. The Lindon Elf, who had just arrived from the Havens the morning before, was dressed in yellow breeches and a red shirt. His long hair was tied back in a purplish bandana and he wasn't wearing any shoes (Glorfindel had refused to take his boots off, even to step into the costume, which barely fit him).
"Well come on then!" exclaimed Bilbo, waving his stick at them, "Let's get on with it!"
Moaning, Glorfindel just stood there as Galdor excitedly pretended to hold a fishing rod. "Oh– OH! I think I've caught something! Something BIG!" he yelled dramatically.
He pretended to hook his fishing rod onto the back of Boromir's chair, and ran around the throne room. Glorfindel stood waiting on the dais. Eventually Galdor ran back, panting, and pulled a piece of pasta from his pocket.
"Look what I've found!"
"Give it to me," said Glorfindel sarcastically.
For a brief second Bilbo stood up and hissed something into the Balrog Slayer's ear. Immediately the Elf looked up, a look of terror on his face, and said the line again with a tad more effort.
"That's better," said Bilbo.
"No!" Galdor yelled cheerfully, "It's mine!"
He spun around a bit as the other Elf tried to 'choke' him. Unfortunately, he happened to spin right into Gimli, just as he was taking a large sip of grape juice.
The oliphant suit suddenly turned purple.
A very ugly, vibrant sort of purple.
"MY COSTUME!" screamed Aragorn.
"ESTEL'S COSTUME!" screamed Elladan and Elrohir in mock horror, which then turned into real horror as the Ranger attempted to strangle Galdor for himself.
Galdor was the same colour as the costume before Elrond could summon the dignity to call his son off.
A few weeks later…
Lord Elrond walked into dinner one casual day, exhausted after answering fanmail for the last several hours. He was disappointed to find there was no food on the table.
He was elated to find several bottles of blond Rohirric hair dye, with IF LOST RETURN TO GLORFINDEL stencilled on the side in a hobbit's curly handwriting.
When Glorfindel entered the dining room 5 minutes later, he was less than pleased. Not only did everyone now know his secret, but the Halfling had also emptied the bottles.
When Bilbo Baggins entered the dining room 5 minutes after that, he quickly found himself hanging from the ceiling with a psychotic elf screaming in his ear.
It was still a few months before the Elf's roots came in. Everyone waited eagerly to see what colour his hair actually was.
(He's a ginger.)
You're imagining this. I haven't actually updated after six months…this is all in your head :)
Nah, I'm joking guys. I'm here with an update again, and hopefully another one on the way.
You guys are all amazing and super duper paratrooper awesome.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW WEIRD IT WOULD BE IF GLORY WAS A GINGER...