Chapter 48

Koh woke at 2130, ate a quick meal, and went to the monitoring room. One look told him they were still at it. This tape would make for interesting listening. Konti's stress reading was still in the basement. He doubted if Kirk's was, but he couldn't tell by the tone of voice, or the subject of their conversation. It sounded like Kirk was relating an event from his childhood. Konti laughed. Koh went to Room A.

"Konti, Koh just walked in." To Koh, "I never thought I'd be so happy to see you. Do I infer correctly that time is up?"

"Yes, it is. Turn off the power if you would, and give me a hand with all this."

Working swiftly, they had the hardware removed in half the time it usually took. Konti was impressed with how well the two worked together without getting in each other's way. Kirk was quite a remarkable person. Full of surprises. Well, he was not sorry he'd done this, though it hadn't produced the result he was after.

When he was on his feet, Koh kicked them both out of there, saying he had work to do. Konti thanked him for his help, and they left. Kirk was silent on the trip home. Konti served up a quick meal, which they ate in silence.

"Are you angry with me, Kirk?"

"No. Just thinking about what is to come. Sorry I'm not being attentive."

"I understand. Kirk, I have a favor to ask."

"What is it?"

"Before you go, would you touch my spine?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to know what it feels like."

"I'll do it on one condition: tell me how you got that curious scar on your belly."

Konti laughed. "You put it there." And he shared the story of the cross on his stomach. While he talked, he took off his shirt, and Kirk stroked his spine half a dozen times at random intervals. No reaction. When Konti finished the story, he put his shirt back on and turned around.

"Thank you. Kirk, I know you're not afraid to die, even a slow and hard death such as this. Are you afraid to live, with Jesus as your Lord? Think about it. I'll be praying for you."

The next afternoon, Kezak rode with Konti to pick up Koh and Kirk for the show. Kezak outlined the schedule for the next week. Four shows in the next seven days, with the fourth being in the capital.

"I could schedule a show every night if you want. There's that much interest. He gets better billings than either of the last two shows I did. But I don't want Kirk to burn out either. Since the mindsifter, his heart hasn't been in it."

"I don't think Kirk cares what you do. He likes the shows, but he's distracted with other things right now. Ask Koh what he can tolerate. If Koh okays it, go ahead and schedule more shows."

When Kirk and Koh boarded the flitter, Kirk gave Konti a brief smile, lay down, and promptly fell asleep. Koh reported that Kirk had done the entire sixteen hours without screaming. The stress reading was still pretty high though. Kezak asked about more shows. Koh vetoed it unless Kezak was willing to cancel the beatings. Kezak said that was one of the greatest draws for the show - the chance to wield the lash against Kirk.

"Well, if you limit it to twenty lashes, I'll okay a daily show. Not more than that."

"Twenty lashes doesn't even draw blood!"

"Exactly."

"I can't do that. No blood would spoil the show!"

"Then every other day is the most you can have."

"I'd really like to have a five-day run of daily shows here in the capital. That's only 300 lashes altogether. Then we would take a whole week off. What do you say?"

"Yes," Koh admitted reluctantly. "Kirk could handle that. So when do you want this five-day run to start?"

"In six days. We've got two more shows after tonight's in Pendukgh."

"All right."

Koh was thinking Kirk would not survive the week off, if he had to spend it in the lab. What a way to die! But they might as well get it over with. Spread out in sixteen hour chunks, there was no telling how long Kirk might hold out.

The show went better than usual, because Kirk was in a good mood. Konti dropped Kirk and Koh at the lab afterwards. There would be no more solitary walks for Kirk. Konti observed Kirk's bloody back as they departed, and wondered how Koh would deal with the mess. With his usual efficiency mixed with complaint, no doubt.

"What a mess!" Koh exclaimed over Kirk's back. "How am I supposed to deal with this?!"

Kirk chuckled. "Frankly, I don't care. That's your problem."

"I'm going to divide your back into four quarters. On this piece, I'm putting synthskin." He worked as he talked. "This quarter gets an anesthetic spray. Then I put the skin patches on three of the four quarters, and we'll see how you do."

xxxx

When Konti arrived to pick them up some forty hours later, Kirk was silent and zombie-like. Koh reported that he had lasted twenty hours before starting to scream. Then he had screamed for twelve hours and whimpered for eight. He was exhausted. Kirk perked up a little after a nap. So the show was okay, though not outstanding. Back at the lab, Koh woke Kirk by tapping on his spine. He jerked spasmodically, but made no sound.

"Why do you persist in doing that to him?" Konti asked Koh.

"Because he wants me to."

"He does? Did he say so?"

"No. But I know it nonetheless."

Kirk turned haunted eyes on Konti as he left the flitter, not having understood their Klingon. Konti prayed for him.

Two days later, Kirk was visibly more exhausted. Koh said he'd only lasted eight hours before screaming. Besides Korn had been there for a while, tormenting him, turning the pain off and on, repeatedly. Kirk only just barely managed to do the show. Kezak was alarmed. If things didn't improve, the five-day run coming up would be a disaster.

Konti got a call from Koh early the next morning.

"Kirk's been screaming all night, and it sounds more hysterical to me than usual. Can you come?"

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

When Konti arrived at the lab, the first thing that struck him was the sound of Kirk's screams. He truly did sound emotionally out-of-control.

"I have the volume turned down in here, or it would be impossible to think."

"How are his vitals?"

"Disgustingly healthy. Nowhere near dying. But the stress reading is off the chart. And it can't stay there without affecting his vitals eventually."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know. I can't stand the thought of him falling apart emotionally. I want him to die strong, like I've seldom wanted anything."

"Koh, I could go in there and pray for him, and he might get temporary relief. But it's just putting off the inevitable. Were Kirk himself, he wouldn't want me to do that. And I'm not even sure the 16-year-old Kirk would want it. So we're stuck watching it. I could pray for you though."

"Me!? What for?"

"You're pretty upset. Don't try to kid me."

So Konti prayed for Koh, and they continued to watch Kirk slowly come unglued, like he'd never done before. Hysteria, mixed with angry outbursts, sobbing and an occasional intelligible word of pleading. Konti clung to the peace of the Lord, and continued to pray.

Lord, isn't there anything I can do?

No. Stay out of it. And remember that the hour before dawn is the darkest.

The hours wore on. Noon came and went. Kirk's hysteria continued. Normally he would have subsided into whimpers after twelve hours - not this time. His emotions summoned reserves of energy and went into overdrive. Koh was ready to drop from exhaustion.

"Go to bed, Koh. I promise I'll call you if something changes."

"I just can't believe he's still at it! And his readings? It's not natural, even for him! That stress reading has been off the chart for hours. But his vitals don't show any sign of shutting down. How can he do that?!"

"He isn't doing it; Jesus is."

"Doing what?"

"Sustaining his body until he gets tired of having a temper tantrum."

"You call this a temper tantrum?"

"What do you call it?"

"I'm too tired to call it anything."

"Go to bed, Koh."

xxxx

Six hours later, Kirk was still at it. Koh brought food for both Konti and himself to the monitoring room.

"You want a nap now?"

"I'm good for several hours yet, but thanks for the food."

Their vigil continued.

"Konti, why did you call this a temper tantrum?"

"Because he knows what to do; he's just refusing to do it. He could have complete peace; all he has to do is ask for it; but he won't, because he doesn't want Jesus running his life."

"He doesn't have much life left."

"Tell that to a 16-year-old."

About two hours later, a subtle change came over Kirk. It seemed to Konti that there was a new frenzy about it.

Lord?

Yes, you may.

Konti spoke aloud. "In the name of Jesus, I bind you, demons. You may not trouble him. Go to Jesus."

Immediately Kirk was silent. The silence lasted only a moment, but the frenzy was gone and did not reappear.

"What was that all about, if I may ask?"

"Demons were trying to take control. The Lord let me kick them out. Notice he's not quite as hysterical as a moment ago?"

"If you say so." Koh didn't seem convinced.

About a half hour later, Kirk spoke a single word, little more than a whisper.

"Jesus-"

Kirk was silent, and this time the silence remained.

"What did he say?"

Konti didn't answer, but pointed to the stress reader, which plunged to zero. Kirk took a deep breath, stopped moving, and spoke in Klingon.

"I'm sorry that took so long. It can't have been easy to listen to. Sometimes stubbornness is not an asset." He chuckled ruefully.

Konti grinned broadly. "Thank you, Jesus!"

Koh looked puzzled. "What happened?"

"Ask him." Konti gestured at the window.

Koh turned on the mic. "Kirk, what happened?"

"The Lord just gave me back my memory."

"I gathered that, because you're speaking Klingon. But that's not all. Give me some detail."

"Most of the last however long it's been is a blur."

"This session has been going on almost 22 hours. It is the fourth session without a break."

"So we have lots of time to talk. Unless you're expecting visitors?"

"No, I'm not."

"Do me a favor and call Konti. Tell him his prayers are answered."

"Kirk, I'm right here. I've been here since 0615 this morning."

"I'm sorry you had to endure the screaming. Koh's used to it, but you're not."

"Koh doesn't like it any more than you or I. So you better tell him what he wants to know before he gets hysterical."

Kirk and Konti both chuckled.

"All right." Kirk took a deep breath and sighed.

Koh jumped into the gap. "For starters, tell me this: is the equipment working? Do you still feel it?"

"Oh yes, the system is working just fine. And so are my nerves. Would you like me to prove it? Have you got a way to monitor how many wires are delivering at once?"

"Yes."

Kirk began rattling off a list of numbers: 2,6,3,1,20,8,5,etc. He kept it up for several minutes.

"Well, how accurate am I?"

"You missed one. You said 16 when it was only 15. I'm impressed, and you've proved your point. Now, tell me what happened."

"I remember several days ago, I had pretty much decided to leave Jesus out of it. There just wasn't enough reason to make that commitment. It was my stubborn pride that wanted to be able to control myself. I felt morally opposed to an eleventh hour decision - it was not right to ask to get bailed out at the last minute.

"Anyway, by the time this session started, I had had all I could take. I couldn't stand any more, but I had to. Emotionally, I was a mess. I began to wonder how fast I could manage to die. As the hours went by, I realized the answer was not nearly fast enough.

"Mind you, there wasn't a whole lot of coherent thought - just occasional lucid moments. In one of those moments, I remember being perversely glad you were stuck listening to me. Served you right, I thought. I wasn't making any effort to control it - couldn't have, if I'd tried."

Koh busied himself checking the readings, trying to keep his emotional distance.

"At some point not too long ago, things got markedly worse. My memory may be foggy, but I think I wanted it to get worse. I thought that if I could get hysterical enough, I could die. Konti, it's a good thing I didn't know you were here, or I would have asked you to kill me. I definitely wanted to die.

"I can't explain why, but suddenly, I knew that was not the answer. I quit trying to work myself into a frenzy, quit trying to make myself die. Possibly as a result, coherent thought seemed more doable. If I wasn't going to die any time soon, then I was going to live through this.

"For the first time, I began to think of what came after. What kind of shape was I going to be in at the end of this forty hour session? I couldn't think past that to more sessions, but I remembered that I'd been almost non-functional for the last show. Doing a show after this would be impossible.

"Then I remembered that that's what Korn wanted - to make it impossible for me to go on. Oh, I know it's Korn's superiors, but I don't have names for them. Anyway, so why not give in to the inevitable? But I can't, not until I'm really dying, and who knows when that will be."

Konti frowned at the reminder of that onerous task.

"So dying wasn't an option, and neither was giving up. The only thing to do was to figure out how to be functional at the end of this session. To do that, I had to overcome the hysterical reaction, and do it soon enough that I had time to recover my stability before the show.

"It was at this point that I remembered that this was the first show in the capital, and Kezak thought it pretty important. I considered the idea of defiance: that I would show them I was unconquerable. But I had only to listen to myself to know how ridiculous that idea was. I had already been conquered - thoroughly.

"In the end, the deciding factor was my friends. What I would not do for myself, I would do for you. I would not commit myself to Jesus simply to avoid the hysteria. I would do it to be able to function and do tomorrow's show - because it mattered to you two and to Kezak.

"I opened my soul to Jesus with one spoken word: His name. The result was instantaneous. The lost memories flooded in, the hysteria vanished, and I'm back to normal. The Lord's peace sustains me, and will continue to do so for the indefinite future. Doesn't matter how long these sessions go on; you can't kill me this way. They'll have to think of something else."

"As I recall, you thought up this one. Which reminds me, why did you tell me to do this?" Koh asked curiously.

"It was part of the rules of the game. Besides, I feared it."

"I don't know anybody who wouldn't."

"That's irrelevant." He paused thoughtfully. "Koh, do you consider me your friend?"

"Yes, I do."

"One of the things close friends are for is to ask the tough questions, raise issues we maybe don't want to face, challenge areas of weakness where it hurts. Are you willing to let me be that kind of friend?"

"Yes. It would be a privilege."

"Thank you, Koh. Here's my question: you have seen the power of God demonstrated several times in these last months. What keeps you from giving your life to Him?"

Koh was thoughtful. "I don't know. Maybe because you never asked me. I've always thought of Him as your God. It never occurred to me that He could be my God. I was absolutely astounded last week when He did for Konti the same thing He did for you. He's obviously very powerful, but- give my life to Him? I don't know. I've got some questions."

"Ask them. We have lots of time."

"Well, for one thing, there are some things I don't understand about what I've seen today. Frankly, I've been more than a little angry that He made you suffer so much. He could have given you back your memory long before today. Why didn't He? I'm not sure I want to serve such a hard God."

"God did not make me suffer; I did. His nature is a self-giving love. Because I wouldn't receive that love, He had to let me suffer. As long as I chose to suffer, He could not heal me. And don't think I didn't know what I was doing. Konti laid it all out for me in black and white. Because God lives inside of me, He feels everything I feel. He loves me enough to endure all that, patiently waiting for me to turn to Him."

"That reminds me of another thing. All those hours you were trying to die, Konti said the Lord was keeping you alive. Let me explain: as a 16-year-old, your stress reading was always high, even when you were not screaming. This session the reading was off the chart right from the start. Ordinarily a reading that high would start to affect your vitals within a few hours at most. When I told Konti how strong your vitals were, he said Jesus was sustaining your life until you got tired of having a temper tantrum."

Kirk laughed.

"Why aren't you angry that God wouldn't let you die? To go on living is nothing but agony."

"Oh, life is a great deal more than agony. Pain is just the backdrop - a minor distraction. The desire to die was demonically inspired. The real me doesn't want to die. Even the 16-year-old me came to the conclusion that dying wasn't the answer."

"Konti kicked the demons out. The timing coincides with your ability to think."

"Thank you, Konti."

"You're welcome. The Lord wouldn't let me do anything before that. Told me to stay out of it. Believe me, it was a long day."

"Double thank you. So Koh, do you have other questions?"

"Why would anybody choose to suffer if they didn't have to?"

"I can think of lots of situations where it would be right to choose suffering. But what you really want to know is, why did I stubbornly resist the Lord, even when it cost me so much trauma. The trauma itself was never the real issue. My 16-year-old self would rather have died than have to admit that I was conquered. But I did admit it.

"The real issue was the relationship. It wasn't whether God was who Konti said He was, or whether He could do what Konti said He could. It was whether I wanted Him to, whether I would give myself to Him, in exchange for what He would give me.

"Koh, if you're going to become a Christian, it will cost you everything you have and all that you are. The question is: is it worth it? My answer is a resounding 'yes'! He will take what you give Him and in return, He'll give you all of Himself. That means, you have unlimited power to face any situation and walk in victory. Just like I'm doing right now. I had been completely overcome by this pain. But now, even though the situation has not changed at all, I am now unconquerable. Which is to say, Jesus in me is unconquerable."

Kirk went on to explain other elements of the package: eternal life, right-standing with God, victory over sin, health, wealth, and persecution. They talked long hours into the night. Konti finally went to bed. In the early hours of the morning, Kirk led Koh to the Lord. After some initial instruction on his walk with the Lord, Kirk suggested Koh get some sleep.

"And what about you?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here when you get up."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Koh, I'll be fine. I've enjoyed this conversation immensely, but the peace of the Lord doesn't depend on external input. So stop worrying and go to bed."

"Kirk, I would turn this off if I could."

"I know, but it might cost you your life, and I don't think the Lord wants you to do that right now."

"Okay. It's just after 0400. I'll see you about noon."

"Fine, but if I'm asleep, don't wake me until you have to."

"Good night. Pleasant dreams - if that's possible."

Kirk laughed. "Never underestimate the Lord. Good night, Koh."

xxxx

Spock and Young were on the Rec Deck, playing chess. As usual, Spock was winning. Suddenly Young sat back and looked at Spock.

"Once more, I concede the game. Spock, you continue to surprise me. I would expect a very logical approach from you. Yet much of your strategy seems to come suddenly out of nowhere."

"I played much with Captain Kirk."

"Spock, you still think he is alive?"

"Yes, Captain, he lives."

Young hesitated, then seemed to reach a decision.

"I have a very unusual request, and I will understand perfectly if you refuse."

"I am yours to command, Captain."

"This has nothing whatever to do with your duty as an officer. Gisa is very curious about you. I promised her I would ask. Will you spend some time with her? Answer her questions? I know you are a very private person. Many of her questions may disturb you."

"I have long been aware of her curiosity. My concern is not for myself, but for rumors which might arise as a result of her interest in me. Therefore, I consent to indulge her curiosity, only if it is in the privacy of your quarters, and only if others are present: either yourself, or two others of your choosing."

"Thank you, Spock. You are very generous. If she asks a question you don't want to answer, just say so."

"There will be no such question."

"Maybe."

xxxx

Spock spent the next three evenings in Young's quarters. He was prepared for questions about Vulcan mating practices, Vulcan physiology, Vulcan emotional control, Vulcan philosophy and culture. He answered all such questions freely, with no apparent embarrassment. Then she surprised him. They had been discussing the Vulcan use of personal shields.

"May I touch you?"

"For what purpose?"

"I want to know if I can sense your shields."

"A human could not. Possibly you could. I have no objections, but I cannot give such permission. Only your husband can allow such a thing."

"Spock, what she is asking for is much more than laying her hand on your arm."

"I know, Captain. I am unaffected by her pheromones. You are not. Could you watch such a thing? And do you wish to indulge her curiosity to such an extent? If so, know this: I will not permit it to degenerate into an orgy, simply to satisfy her curiosity about me as a man."

"I'm not worried about what you will do. I'm concerned about what I will do. Gisa, I'm sorry, but the answer is 'no'. Spock may have no limits, but I do. It's just not safe, and the consequences I don't even want to consider."

"Very well. I withdraw the request."

"There is something else I might do for you, that does not involve pheromones. Would you like to visit my mind?"

"You mean-" Gisa's face lit up.

"It would require my touching you."

"You have my permission, Spock, if Gisa would like to."

"Oh, yes!"

"Guide my hand to your face."

*Come in, Gisa. What would you like to see?*

*Everything!*

So Spock gave her a guided tour of his mind. When he withdrew, she sat in silence for several moments.

"Thank you, Spock," she finally said. "I learned more in the last few minutes than in the last three days. But I have more questions."

"The hour grows late. Perhaps another time?"

"But these are very different questions. Who is this Jesus you spend so much time with? How can you talk to someone who isn't here? And what is faith? And-"

"Gisa," Young interrupted. "Hold the questions. Spock said, another time."

"I have no objection to answering the questions, now or later. I assumed you would not want me to stay all night. And perhaps you do not wish me to address these questions at all."

"Actually, I do admit to some curiosity on this subject. And I'm not nearly as anti-Christian as I used to be."

So they talked most of the night. And several more nights that week. Two weeks later, Captain Young and both his wives were in the water getting baptized. The rejoicing continued for most of a week thereafter.