ELENA

After having successfully convinced Bonnie and Caroline that everything was just fine, I finally closed the door of my room behind me. I even made it into the shower before the might-have-beens of this evening fully hit me and I started to cry violently. Only once before had I felt so utterly scared, lost and helpless in my life, and it still made my heart constrict and my breathing painful whenever I thought about it. Tonight's assault brought it all back.

I don't know how long I sat sobbing and shaking in the shower before I managed to pull myself together again and turn off the water. I had just wrapped myself in a towel when I heard a tentative knocking on my door.

"Elena?" It was Stefan's voice. "Can you please open the door? I just need to see for myself that you're okay... if only for a minute."

Even though I had not wanted Bonnie or Caroline to fuss over me before, I very much wanted to throw myself into Stefan's arms just now. So I unlocked the door and did exactly that, wet hair and towel and puffy eyes be dammed.

Stefan just held me, murmuring soothing nonsense into my ear while gently caressing my back.

"How did you know?" I asked, feeling my eyes water again.

"Alys just called me. She thinks you shouldn't be alone tonight and figured that you probably didn't tell Caroline."

"She's right." I said with a tear-plastered smile. "She knows me too well."

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

I shook my head. "No, it's alright. It just brought back so many bad memories. Feeling so scared and helpless... I hate that."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No, please – I would like you to stay, if that's okay with you?"

"Sure it is. I wish I could have been there before it all happened."

"Damon was there. And you're with me now. I'm going to be okay."

"Yes. Everything's going to be fine. You'll never be lost and alone ever again. I promise. For now, let's get you into bed."

*'*'*'*'*

I woke up the next morning snuggled in Stefan's arms. Okay – it wasn't exactly the romantic setting I had envisioned it to be, but it felt good nevertheless. I had slept fairly well, only woken up once by the fright of a nightmare which quickly faded when I saw him sleeping peacefully beside me. As he did now. I turned to face him. Funny, he looked much younger and much more relaxed in sleep. Not like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. I gently brushed a lock of his now untypically tousled hair out of his eye, again amazed by the familiarity I felt. As if I had slept like this a thousand times before.

My touch, as soft as it had been, roused him from sleep. He woke with a smile, still not fully there. "Hey, good morning, sleepyhead!" I said, once he had finally gotten his bearings and slowly sat up.

"Same to you. I'm sorry. I fell asleep."

"Yes, that you did," I smiled. "I just didn't know you had planned on lying awake all night."

"I was supposed to watch over your sleep and chase away nightmares," he clarified. "I obviously suck at my job."

"You did just fine. I slept alright. And I feel much better today." I disentangled myself from the sheets and headed for the bathroom. "Hurry up – we're late".

"You're going to go to class today?" Stefan asked, sounding incredulous.

"Sure I am. Or do you think I should stay locked up in my room and reminiscence about how I got myself almost raped and killed last night instead?"

"God, I don't even want to think about that!" he groaned, rubbing his face.

"See? Neither do I. – So, what's your excuse for skipping classes?"

"Other than having slept in my clothes and being in desperate need of a shower? None."

I grinned and closed the bathroom door, quickly doing the necessary morning chores like brushing my teeth, doing my hair and applying some make-up. To my surprise, Stefan was still sitting on the edge of my bed when I came back out.

He gave me a smile. "You know – considering yesterday night's events, you actually look great. How do you do that, Elena? What made you so strong?"

I shrugged. "I guess life did. I've survived worse before. Bad things happen to people all the time, Stefan. There's nothing you can do to protect yourself from them. You can just try to deal with the havoc they leave behind as well as you can and try to move on."

"Your parents would have been so proud of you. Seeing the woman you've become."

"Thank you. I hope you're right."

Stefan cleared his throat, got up and looked at me a little sheepishly. "I guess I'm going to go to my room and take a quick shower. Since you're putting up such a good example of diligence and duty, I guess I can't make excuses."

"No, I'm afraid you can't," I said, stepping in his way and smiling up in his face. I had the distinct impression that he was feeling a little awkward. Which was a bit strange, given that he had held me in his arms half naked and spent a night in my bed already. Somehow, we had gotten the order of things a little mixed up. I strongly felt that it was time to set them right.

"Thank you for being there for me last night," I said, putting my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a hug. I was hoping that this was enough of a signal to tell him it was okay, that I wanted contact, that he needn't be concerned about seeming hasty or pushy. Actually, I was starting to feel slightly pushy myself.

We were standing very close now, my forehead level with his chin, which made me look directly at his lips. Without thinking, I pulled myself up on my toes and kissed him.

It didn't have the life-altering, mind-blowing effect I had hoped for. We should have parted only to relish in the intimacy of the moment before passionately going back for each others mouths. Except that there was nothing passionate about this kiss at all. Stefan gently cupped my face, but only to slightly push it further away from his. The meaning couldn't have been any clearer. I felt myself blush with shame.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I'm really sorry!" My voice faded. God, this was so embarrassing. I let my arms drop and quickly distanced myself from him.

"No, Elena, wait..." Stefan said, and held my arm to prevent me form turning my back on him. "You don't understand..."

"What's not to understand about this?" I asked, feeling humiliated. "I just made a fool of myself, throwing myself at you when you're clearly not into me, and now I'm not sure if I'm even into you because this just felt – wrong."

Stefan made a careful move towards me again and touched my arm. "No, you've got it all wrong. I understand that you needed to find out what this feeling between us is, and that's okay, it really is. I'm the one who has to apologize, because I never made clear how I felt about you. It's not that I don't love you, Elena, because I do, really. You mean the world to me. It's just that I'm not in love with you."

Okay, that didn't really make a whole lot of sense, but it distracted me for a moment from my mortification. I looked at him questioningly.

"I'm sorry for leading you on," Stefan said, his eyes full of chagrin. "I truly am. It's not surprising that you were wondering where our relationship would be going."

"Definitively not to where I just tried to take it."

"No, not there. It can't be, for various reasons. But maybe that doesn't have to be a bad thing..."

"You want us to be just friends?" I gave a hollow laugh, trying not to sound bitter. "Isn't that the line for the girl?"

He shook his head, still looking very serious. "It's not 'just' friends, Elena," he said, obviously believing this to be of vital importance. "There's more between us – a connection, a bond that goes beyond friendship..."

"Yes. And that's what's been confusing me, for I never felt like this before. Not even with Matt, and we're friends now. There had never been passion between us, either. But with you – everything seemed to fit. It feels good to be with you. You're so easy to trust, understanding and gentle and caring... with you, there should've been passion! I wanted there to be. Maybe it's me..."

Again, he immediately contradicted that vehemently. "No, don't say that. It's not you. It definitively isn't, believe me. It's me. I am – not the right guy for you for something romantic."

Bonnie's remark popped back in my mind. "Are you gay, or something?" I asked, slightly hopeful. At least, that would explain it.

He laughed slightly. "It's more along the line of 'or something'. I have a history, Elena, as you do. And that just makes it impossible for me to go there with you."

"Maybe I'm just in love with love itself," I muttered. "I so much want to love somebody again, and to be loved in return."

"But you are being loved – by so many. Jenna, Bonnie, Caroline, Alys... they all love you in their own way, and so do I. I really care about you, Elena. More than you could think. And I so much hope that you believe me and that you're okay with that, because if not, I'm gonna be truly devastated."

There was so much fear in his eyes that I didn't doubt for a second that he actually meant it. And surprisingly enough, aside from a lingering feeling of embarrassment I felt almost – relieved. I was puzzled at this and it took a moment of soul searching to understand something that my subconscious had known all along: I had never felt any kind of physical attraction to Stefan. It had all been about emotional closeness, a feeling of belonging – and it was still there. I had only put us into the romantic relationship category because it was what everyone expected – what I had expected. Maybe it was due to an odd feeling of competition with Caroline. After all, she had been through about five relationships already, whereas for me, there had only ever been Matt – and that didn't even count. Maybe deep down I was afraid of not being normal, that there was something emotionally wrong with me. So with Stefan, I had been determined to prove myself that I was alright. Looking back at it, I realized that Stefan had never been sending signals that had hinted at anything romantic – on the contrary. I had just chosen to ignore it and explain it away.

"It's not your fault, either," I said, finally understanding. "You're right. I do have some issues – and they were the reason I was determined that we were going to be in love. The truth is, I'm not in love with you, either. I just haven't noticed it before. So yes – we're okay, Stefan. We're definitively okay." I smiled, and this time, it was real and sincere.

It was Stefan who pulled me into a hug then, not a hesitant or cautious embrace for fear how it might be received, but a heartfelt one.

*'*'*'*'*'*

Given that I had withheld the crucial details of yesterday's fright night experience from Bonnie and Caroline, they both thankfully were not making a big fuss about it. On the downside, they were also less sympathetic and more angry with me for acting so careless and didn't fail to point out what might have happened. Since I fully agreed with them on that and dutifully apologized, the matter was soon considered settled.

Fortunately, no one had told Jenna anything. I was grateful for that, too, because when she called me later in the day to tell me about her very enlightening, 'parent-teacher conference' with Mr. Saltzman, it made for a much better topic. Obviously, she and Ric – as I couldn't help calling him in my mind after listening to Jenna's detailed phone report for almost an hour – seemed to really hit it off. Of course, it was a bit early for a definitive judgement: Jenna hadn't exactly been a role model when it came to dating. But then – I wasn't exactly an expert on dating, either, so who was I to comment?

Jenna was so much in bliss that she totally forgot to enquire about Stefan, which was a good thing, because I didn't feel inclined to talk about him just now. I hadn't even told Caroline or Bonnie, yet. Too much boy drama as it was. Or maybe I was just scared they would pester me with questions – or worse, start arranging totally inconspicuous dates for me again, to help me get over it. After all, I'd never told them that Stefan and I were together, so it didn't make so much sense to press forward with telling them that we weren't. Knowing Caroline, the question would soon come up again, anyway.

Alys was an entirely different matter, though. Chances were that she had known about Stefan's feelings for me from the beginning. I just wasn't sure if she had known about mine.

When she dropped by in the late afternoon, she just gave me a brief hug and kindly abstained from reliving the details of last night with me. She also spared me another lecture or her sympathies, God bless her.

"Thank you for saving me last night," I said gratefully, knowing that I owed her big for that. "And thanks for sending Stefan over. He was exactly who I needed."

"I thought you could use a shoulder to cry on. And I've cried enough times into Stefan's shoulder to know that it's a good place to be in times of need."

"Have you spoken to him?"

"Briefly, in between classes. He brought my boxes from Mystic Falls and told me that he was going drop them off at the boarding house later. Why are you asking?"

"Just because." Since I didn't know how much Stefan had told her, I thought I'd not go into it just yet. Too much to explain in case I had to start from scratch. "Speaking of boxes – what about your stuff?" The room we had shared still held most of her belongings. When Alys had left four nights ago, she had only taken her clothes.

Alys grinned. "Yes, it was a rather spontaneous decision. Actually, Stefan brought two extra packing boxes over – they're in his room. If you don't mind, I run over quickly and get them."

"Sure, I'll help you pack."

Alys was back in no time and we began to pack up her stuff.

"What about the fridge?" I asked. Alys didn't have that many possessions, but one that she treasured was a mini fridge, that had been strictly off-limits for me. It was simply too small, and besides, I hadn't really understood what she needed it for.

"You saw the fridge in the boarding house. I don't need this one anymore. You can have it – I only want it back in case it doesn't work out with Damon and I come running back to you."

"How likely is that?"

Alys shrugged. "So far, he has been pretty decent. We don't see that much of each other – he seems to be hanging out with Mr. Salzman a lot. I have no clue as to what they do. Probably drinking themselves senseless."

"Ric – Mr. Saltzman, I mean, seems like a nice guy. Did you know he's now dating Jenna? I think he could be a good influence on Damon. Just like you."

"Nothing can influence Damon."

"Don't be so hard on him. I can't believe he's as bad as you make him out to be."

"Yes, he is, trust me on that, Elena. You don't know Damon."

"True enough. But he saved me. Because you asked him to. That should count for something."

"You always see the good in people. Aren't you afraid that one day you'll be thoroughly disappointed? People are not always honest – maybe not even your best friends. And maybe there are sides to them you have no idea of... maybe they do things you'd hate them for if only you knew..."

I gave her a mystified look. There seemed to be a deeper meaning behind her concern. Had she been disappointed by someone she trusted?

"I don't know," I said, not sure about her concerns. "What's the alternative? Not to trust anyone because they might not live up to your expectations? I've done that – closed myself off from people, not because they might disappoint me, but because I might lose them eventually. But you know what – it keeps you from being hurt, but it also makes you lonely. I guess I just don't want to feel lonely anymore."

"But you're not. You have so many friends who care about you."

"Funny, Stefan just said the very same thing to me today. I guess you're right. We tend to always take everyone who is there for granted and not really value their presence. Like I did with you. I felt pretty lonely the last days without you."

"And here I thought you'd be throwing slumber parties and enjoying the newfound freedom of sleeping in your own room without having to hear me snore."

"You don't snore!"

"I'll keep you in mind as a possible witness in case Damon accuses me of the opposite," Alys said jokingly. "But you're right. Maybe I'm doing the same thing. Expecting nothing from him so he cannot disappoint me again. I guess I have to work on changing my perspective, too."

"I'm still trying to get there myself. It's an ongoing process, really."

We had almost finished packing up the second of her two boxes when Alys stared at her watch and jumped. "Geez – it's already that late? I have a drama club meeting tonight – it was supposed to begin at six thirty... I almost forgot about that."

"Don't worry, I can take care of these for you. I'll just drop everything off at Damon's house."

"Oh, but you don't have to do that. Just give them to Stefan – he's bringing the other boxes over, anyway."

"No, I also need to return Damon's jacket. And I wanted to thank him properly. He really did save me last night. The boxes just give me an excellent excuse – I don't want him to think there is an ulterior motive behind me seeking him out."

"Good point. Thanks, Elena, that helps a lot!"

"You're welcome. How are you going to get home?"

"A girl from the club already promised to take me. It's kind of on her way. So – I'll see you tomorrow in class, then?"

"Sure."

Alys put on her jacket and headed for the door, where she turned again. "Elena – you're welcome to drop by at the boarding house any time you like. Promise me we'll still be seeing plenty of each other outside the classroom. I'd miss you terribly, too, otherwise."

"Of course we will, what are you thinking! Now, go to your meeting. I'll see you tomorrow!"

"You're a sweetheart. Good-night!" She gave me a quick hug and left the room. It felt much more empty already, although Alys hadn't had all that much stuff. Everything fit neatly into the two moving boxes.

I decided to drive them over to Damon's place right away. Taking Damon's jacket off from the door hook where I had put it yesterday, I could help burying my nose in it as I caught a whiff of it's smell. I still couldn't figure what it was – not the typical aftershave-smell, though that was there, too, and I would bet it was an expensive brand. Cedar and sandalwood. But there was more... a scent that I thought of as uniquely Damon. I shook my head at myself. So he smelled good, alright. But he was still trouble, and as Alys said, I had better not forget that.

*'*'*'*'*

When I pulled into the boarding house's driveway, there was no light from inside. At first, I thought that Damon might be out, but on second glance I noticed that the shutters had been closed for the night. Damon obviously valued his privacy, too. I steered into the parking space and immediately spotted Stefan's car next to Damon's blue Camaro. He obviously had made good on his promise already.

I got the first box out of the trunk and carried it to the door, balancing it on my knee while fumbling for the knocker. To my surprise, the door swung open all by itself when I accidentally pushed against it. It mustn't have been closed properly.

Bringing my box inside, I almost stumbled over two similar moving crates sitting on the hallway floor. Figuring that those must be the ones that Stefan had brought from Mystic Falls, I set the box that I was carrying on top of it. I was just about to leave the house again to fetch the remaining box when I heard voices from the study.

"So you are behind this..." I heard Damon respond to whatever had been said previously. His tone was flippant, but challenging. "I admit I was a bit surprised! It's been a long while since somebody could resist my compulsion. What did you give her?"

"Just a little something to protect her from your manipulations." Stefan's voice was icy and made my hackles rise. I instantly knew that something was amiss. Uncertain as to whether I should make my presence known, I slowly moved towards the arch that opened to the parlor. It wasn't my intention to spy, but the charged atmosphere between the two of them made me hesitate to shout a cheerful greeting. Cautiously, I peeked around the corner.

"I see..." That was Damon again. "It's probably that witch necklace that belonged to Alys. Did she give it to you? Well, it doesn't matter. You know..." He made a meaningful pause, only to continue with silky menace: "That lucky charm might keep me out of Elena's head. But maybe that's not my target area..." Realizing that they were talking about me, I let out a gasp. But before the implications of Damon's words could fully register with me, Stefan gave an angry snarl.

"You stay away from Elena!" he hissed. I barely recognized the aggressive voice for his. Yet Damon seemed unimpressed. "Stop threatening me!" he said disdainfully. "Your little parlor tricks don't work on me. You don't have the strength to make them."

When Stefan didn't respond to that, I could see Damon's lips curl into a provocative smile. "I guess I could just seduce her the old fashioned way! Or I could just – eat her." If at all possible with his already pale complexion, Stefan turned even whiter. He growled, and, without further warning, flung himself at Damon. He had the moment of surprise on his side. Neither I nor Damon had seen it coming.

Almost in a flying motion he grabbed what looked like a letter opener from the desk and forcefully drove it straight into Damon's stomach.