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A few days later, Rachel was sitting in her office, feeling numb, but somewhat happy like a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders - she couldn't help but wonder if this was similar to what Gill, Julie, Janet and all the other coppers had felt before her when they'd announced their intentions to retire from the police. In keeping with police procedural rules, she had alerted the higher ups about her intention, but she had to inform her team - some of them might have already been told through their contacts, especially Jessica, her DS.

Rachel knew the team would be okay without her - she wouldn't have bothered selecting them if they weren't capable of standing on their own two feet, and ever since that day she had been promoted to full Detective Inspector after that mess with the Dark web she had been very selective, wanting the best and the brightest as part of her team. Jessica, especially, would be a brilliant SIO one day. She was a copper of her generation, like Rachel had been of her own generation.

Jessica would find it easy to adapt and Rachel wished she did well - she had become a genuine mentor when Anna had been distressed; the other female detective had annoyed Rachel beyond belief at first, but the woman had become endearing, and now they shared a friendship of sorts, and she had grown into the role of mentor as time went on. Even now, years later, Rachel looked back on herself at the time, and she cringed at how arrogant and stuck up she had behaved in those days; she had tried her level best to run the syndicate and channel Gill it hadn't occurred to her until much later she should have been herself, and in that time her friendships with some of the syndicate had become strained, but she had been so frustrated by the pressure and the stupid 'God-zooky' nickname dished up to her that she had almost hit the wall. Her pregnancy hadn't helped her mood anymore than her sister's presence in her flat had.

But she had worked it all out when she had discovered you couldn't be taught how to command. You could learn the theories and practice, but you needed to experience it for yourself. In her career since, she had trained dozens of officers in the hopes of becoming SIOs and Detective Sergeants, and as she sat in her office with one eye on the others as they milled around the office, eating snacks and drinking tea or coffee, chatting. They'd just finished a case, not as high profile as their last one, but then you never knew when you received a case. It was just a routine one and nothing to write home about, but Rachel no longer really cared. At first she'd imagined that after she'd made her decision to leave the police she'd change her mind again, but she hadn't. Her decision had kind of liberated her.

The ghost of Gill was right, Rachel decided.

Her supervisor was surprised when she had gone to him three days into the case and told him she wanted to retire, but there was little he could do besides try to talk her out of it. He did try, of course. But he knew she had good grounds to retire, she had been in the Job for a long time, so it made sense that she had had enough of it by now.

After Rachel had told her line supervisor, she knew she'd have to tell her team. She'd decided to do much like Gill had done, only much more quickly. She wasn't going to stress herself out by taking on a few more cases than was necessary, she'd just take on a few to draw a line under her career so she could move on. Although she tried not to, Rachel couldn't help but think about the type of life she could have out of the police.

"Boss, you okay?"

Rachel looked up and smiled at Jessica, doing her best not to react to the other woman's appearance. "Yeah, fine, thanks Jess. Everything okay?"

Jessica nodded. "Yeah, we're about to head off to the pub, have a few drinks. You coming?"

Rachel chuckled. "When do I say no to a drink?" she asked rhetorically.

It had taken a long time for her to move on past her binge drinking habits which had gotten her into so much trouble in the past - she still remembered the way she had gone into the station stinking of BO only to be taken and cautioned by Julie Dodson for battering Nick Savage half to death.

As she walked behind Jessica, Rachel's face grimaced slightly, mixing between the still present disgust for what Nick had done to her prior to his death and sadness that she hadn't simply walked away from Nick when she'd discovered the bastard was married, it was something she had regretted for years, and something she had learnt from over the years. If Rachel could go back in time, she would have shaken her younger self and told her not to do it because it would have caused one disaster after another. And boy, there were so many of them - the PNC mess, the court case that was thrown out because she had stupidly told him something that should NEVER have been said, stalking Nick and blackmailing him.

Rachel was so lost in her memories, she didn't notice Jessica push her gently into the passenger seat and take the keys herself, but she did notice when the car jolted and she almost hit her head on the dash. "Jesus!" she cursed before she realised where she was and saw a car that had just shot into their path, and she turned to her DS, blinking in surprise.

"Sorry," Jessica grinned sheepishly. "I didn't see him, the bastard."

A little bit grateful Jessica thought she was stunned by the other car and not something different, Rachel grinned back. "No problem. It happens," she replied before settling herself back into her seat and deciding to pay more attention on the drive to the pub. It wasn't a long journey and the two officers were nearly there, indeed they'd only been halfway there when that other car had almost crashed into them, but on their last leg of the journey Rachel found herself looking at Jessica.

Jessica Daniel was a good looking woman, in many ways she reminded Rachel of herself, of how she had used to be when Gill had invited her into Syndicate 9. And like a mature wine, I've certainly aged well, Rachel thought to herself. Jessica had been in her team for 3 years now, and Rachel had made sure the woman was put in charge of cases to test her proficiency. With Rachel's experience it was better to learn by doing than having people tell you how to do your work, that was something only people could learn by themselves.

Rachel sighed under her breath and looked away, lost in her memories. She wondered how Gill had seen her just before she herself had left, before she thought about Julie….. And Janet. Rachel closed her eyes. Janet had seemed like a new woman after she'd made her decision to leave the job, the same job she had joined just to find out the truth about what had happened to her friend Veronica, and Rachel grimaced as she recalled where that had led to.

Unknown to Rachel, Jessica had noticed her facial expressions, and she was curious about the sadness that had crept up over her face before becoming concerned about the sudden grimace.

"You okay?" Jessica asked her DCI.

Surprised, Rachel turned to her. "What?"

"I asked you if you were okay," Jessica repeated, "you were grimacing."

Rachel blinked and then realised that she had been so lost in her thoughts and her memories, she hadn't realised her emotions had crossed her face. She thought about lying for a second, but then decided not to.

"Oh, I was just thinking," she replied in the hope her airy tone would put Jessica off. She should have known better.

"What about?" Jessica asked.

Jessica's persistence was one of the many reasons besides her being a bloody good copper, smart and stubborn that had attracted Rachel into inviting her to join her team in the first place, but this was one of those times where she wished the younger woman wouldn't pry too much, but she had to admit it was a good question, and considering her mood and how much she now wanted to leave the police, Rachel had to admit that Jessica had a good reason to be curious.

She licked her lips. "I'll tell you when we get to the pub," she said before falling silent. Jessica, naturally and frustratingly enough, tried to find out more details, but Rachel remained silent until the DS finally got the hint.

At the pub surrounded by her team, Rachel took a moment to sit back in her chair and watch everyone around her. She had fallen silent a few minutes after getting her order - a typicall large glass of red wine, though she knew she would need to get back to her home - and just used the silence to study her team and just reminisce as memories of herself as a DC, later DS, and then DI filled her mind. As the memories swirled around Rachel's mind, she caught sight of Jessica's indiscreet glance, and realised she had to get this over with, but she hated having to break up such a moment for her team.

Rachel cleared her throat and it took a moment for everyone to realise she wanted to get their attention but they quickly shut up. "I've got to tell you all something," she announced.

Jessica, her eyes dancing with laughter at a joke one of her colleagues had told her, though she was curious about Rachel's mood, said, "What is it, boss?"

Rachel took a deep breath. "I'd wanted to tell you this after we'd left the office, but I just wanted some time to really get it into my brain before I said anything. I'm leaving," she said, deciding that like a band aid, the sooner she could get this done with, the better. "I'm leaving the police. Retiring."

The ambient noise in the pub was the same, but for the coppers at the table it was like someone had just dropped them off in a desert. They could not believe what they had just heard.

"W-when did you decide this?" Jessica asked in surprise.

"Didn't you know?" Izzy Diamond asked, surprised Jessica hadn't known herself.

But before Jessica could even reply to the question given by her friend, Rachel got there first. "No, she didn't," she clarified, "I wanted to tell you myself and in a less formal environment than back at the office. Here, we'd have a few drinks, bad ones," she added, hoping to make people laugh, "and also give me a chance to relax. But Jessica didn't know. The only people who knew about my plans until now were my immediate supervisors. And now you know."

The team members shared a look.

"When are you going?"

Rachel had been prepared for the question and answered it promptly. "This year. Don't worry, you'll soon get rid of me soon, but I want to solve a few more cases before I go," she declared.

Jessica looked like she couldn't believe what she'd just heard. "But….. I don't know what to say," she said as she tried to wrap her mind around the concept.

Rachel smiled. "I can't stay in the job forever, you know that. If I don't leave soon, I never will."

Hearing that gave Jessica the strength to focus. "When did you decide you wanted to go?"

"Jess!" Dave Rowlands hissed, but Rachel waved it aside. "No, it's a fair question." She went silent for a moment as she tried to think of the right way to put this. "I'm leaving because of the last major case," she decided to say, "but that was only one example; you were all pressured into finding something that would stick after we found those bodies, and I was under pressure by people who just wanted to look good. I didn't join the police to make others look good. I joined because I wanted to make a difference, and I know I have over the years, but now I'm tired. I have also had enough of the politics and dealing with bosses talking about appearances all the time. But on a personal note, I want to try and reach out to my daughter. It might be too late, but I want to try without the pressure of the job getting to me."

Everyone was still taken aback by the speech, but Izzy was still surprised by the announcement. "What will you do when you go?" she asked, worried that Rachel would be lost without the job.

Rachel shrugged. One of the reasons she was always concerned and daunted by retirement was the same concern - what would she do? She wasn't particularly close to her sister's kids, and the less said about her own relationship with Stephanie the better, though she hoped to try to make up for her numerous mistakes and she hoped Stephanie would let her back in.

Jessica had to take her home, something that Rachel was pleased about because it meant she could speak to her DS properly. In the car she wasn't surprised that Jessica found it hard to put her thoughts out of her mind, but Rachel waited to give her DS some time so she could get her act together. When she was younger, she wouldn't have been so patient, but Rachel's patience had been hard won over time. Too bad it wasn't endless.

"Come on, Jessica, spit it out," she said when her patience wore off.

"How come you didn't tell me?'

Rachel knew what the DS was asking, but she didn't want to let on because it made it more real. "Tell you what?"

"That you were leaving," Jessica's voice, while level, was tinged with impatience.

Rachel sighed. "I wasn't sure, but I am now," she replied, "I've been in the Job for a long time, Jess, but I've been finding it harder and harder to adapt to the latest standards. You and the others are okay; you joined the police when those same standards first came into being, but if you're in the Job long enough, you'll probably find it increasingly harder to go on further down the line. But really, I'm just tired. I'm fed up. I joined the police to be an SIO and command teams and solve major cases. I've done that. But I can't stay in the Job forever, besides the stress of some of the last cases is getting to me."

Jessica was surprised by Rachel's explanation, the older woman wasn't really that surprised; she was always short about personal matters.

"What about your daughter?"

"This job has torn down so many of my relationships, in the past, I thought it was worth it; my sister Alison's a wonderful woman, but she's a bit too much, the less said about her annoying family the better, but I didn't plan on my daughter being one of those people I pushed away," Rachel hoped she didn't look like she was about to cry in front of Jessica.

The DS looked at Rachel out of the corner of her eye, thinking of her own relationships with her own family, and how she had pushed them away the longer she had been in the Manchester Met police. She always got exasperated whenever her mum rang her up incessantly, but she hadn't expected her boss to be the same. Jessica had her friends outside the Job, but did she push them away as much as Rachel Bailey did?

Unfortunately, Rachel saw her expression. "Trust me, Jess, while the Job is worth it at times, sometimes it's a good idea not to push people away too hard," she said. It might not be any of her business, but she didn't want this passionate woman to become a shell.

Jessica locked her lips, but she didn't say a word. She just drove.

As she stood outside the house, Rachel let out a sigh as she spared a moment to wonder if she had the nerve to go through with this. Now the cat was out of the bag, she didn't need to tiptoe around her team anymore about her impending retirement, but she still hadn't let her sister know. The problem was every time she visited her elder sister, especially in recent years, was the reminder the pair of them were not the same people they had been.

When Rachel had been younger, she had gone out of her way to keep her life separate from Alison's. It was just as much a need to keep her life as a copper out of her personal life as much as anything else, as she'd gone through her career she had found like everyone else in her amazing Job that with each case, life became darker.

But in her case, she had another reason to keep her life and Alison separate - while she meant well and Rachel valued Alison, the problem with Alison was she didn't know exactly when to back off. Oh, Rachel understood only too well it was because of their mother who'd fucked off to get away from her family, and only came back when she and Alison were old enough and had jobs of their own she didn't need to do anything except live life getting drunk day in and day out, that Alison had always gone the whole hog to make sure her sister wrapped up warm.

It wasn't until she'd cradled Stephanie in her arms that Rachel realised what Alison meant to her and while her elder sister was such a source of strength, she still wanted Alison to not get in the way.

But she was worried standing out of the house. Ever since Tony had died and Callum and Holly had both moved out on their own, Alison had needed Rachel around more and more, and the only thing that kept their worlds apart had been Rachel's job.

The very thing which had caused her relationship with Stephanie to break up.

Rachel sighed and headed for the door, briefly wondering what type of mood her sister was in as she raised her hand and pressed the doorbell, putting out a very long blast that sounded like a miniature fire bell before she took her hand away, checking her watch idly and timing Alison's journey to the door.

It took Alison only two minutes to arrive at the door, and she blinked through her massive glasses at her. "Rach?" she asked, confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Ali," Rachel replied, smiling warmly at her. Out of both her siblings, she found it easier to relate to Alison better than she had Dom. While her elder sister had pissed her off over the years with her fussy attitude, she had learnt to appreciate it as she'd grown older herself. "Mind if I come in?"

Predictably Alison smiled and stood aside so she could step inside. After kicking off her shoes, Rachel followed her sister into the living room and she sat down while Alison went to the kitchen automatically calling out, "Do you want a tea?"

Rachel wasn't particularly thirsty, but she decided it would definitely help their talk if they both had a cuppa. "Sure, thanks," she said.

While Alison was busy in the kitchen, Rachel took the few minutes looking around the living room, not moving a muscle from where she was sitting, using her long years of being a professional copper to take things in. Alison hadn't decorated this room or indeed the rest of the house for a long time, but truthfully home decoration wasn't something she or Alison had really cared about unlike other families who didn't seem to be able to go through a year without making a few changes here and there. Their lives after Sharon had left them had pushed such trivialities aside and ensured more immediate matters became a priority.

Indeed, Rachel had only decorated her flat the one time and she'd left it at that, comfortable with the old appearance of the place as time went on, and she hadn't really done anything to encourage Stephanie to care about it either.

The only differences she could see in this room were the lack of school things or other trash produced by Callum and Holly that were always on display whenever she'd popped round. Rachel spotted the old looking laptop and TV and smiled before Alison came into the room, carrying two mugs of steaming tea, putting one close to where she herself would be sitting on the sofa while passing the second one over to Rachel before she quickly sat down, well as quickly as she could considering she wasn't as young as she had been.

Rachel, who had been expecting the usual gossip and idle chit chat, was surprised by what Alison said next. "Okay, Rachel, why are you here?"

Unnerved by how much Alison seemed to be mirroring her own bluntness, though she wondered if her loneliness had made her a bit edgy, Rachel decided to reply in the same vein. She had considered telling Alison why she was at her house on one of her rare visits after a short while, but maybe she should just get down to business.

"I'm retiring from the police," she said, and she had to hide the smile that was threatening to creep across her face when she saw the surprised expression appear on Alison's face, she hadn't expected that.

"You're what?!" Alison whispered in shock, her surprise being the only thing stopping her from truly speaking in a louder volume.

"I'm retiring from the police," Rachel repeated, "I've had enough, Ali. I just want to get out."

Alison tried to speak, tried to ask her usual pointlessly stupid questions, but she couldn't stop herself from babbling and getting her words mixed up before she stopped and tried again. "When did you decide to do this, then?"

Rachel sighed as she took a sip of her tea. "Only recently, but its been coming for a long time," she replied after she'd lowered the mug. "The Job is changing Alison, and I'm just having trouble keeping up, but I'm just sick and tired of playing the same pointless games with the higher ups. On one of the last major cases, they were more interested in looking good than tying a big ribbon on the murders of more than 7 people, and they kept pushing me and my team into getting it sorted out rather than actually letting me take my time; if there's one thing I've learnt during my career, its to take your time and trace every lead carefully."

"That makes sense," Alison said thoughtfully ,even if she already knew that was how her sister worked, and how she had been trained to think, "but I thought you already had those issues?"

"I do," Rachel replied sharply to let her sister know she had once been capable of handling it, "but my present problem is over the years the higher ups have gained more and more interest in how the cases are worked, and I can't take that kind of scrutiny anymore. I have to fight one unnecessary battle with them after another while keeping the team together, making sure the interviews are done correctly and being able to spot things that don't ring true. Lately the cases have been getting more scrutiny, and it's not just me, Alison, there are other syndicates and teams all over the city who are following the same procedure."

"And you want to leave?"

Rachel nodded. "I'm tired. I want to get out before I go mad," she replied.

Alison nodded before she neatly moved the subject on, clearly she wasn't going to try to ask about the intricacies of Police politics, not that Rachel was surprised - Alison had problems understanding the types of people who ran the government, never mind the police.

"So, what are you going to do when you leave? When are you going to do when you leave, you're not the type to do nothing after spending most of your life putting criminals away?"

"In reverse order, I haven't got a clue what I'm going to do, but I think I'll find something, and answering your second question, I'll be retiring in a few months, " Rachel replied while trying to keep the pride away from her voice as she remembered all the scum she'd put behind bars while feeling bittersweet about it all; she had wanted to put the bad guys away for as long as she could remember, but now she'd achieved it she wasn't sure what was going to happen next.

"Why a few months?" Alison asked quizzically.

"Because I want to finish a few cases first," Rachel replied, "that way I can draw a line under my career."

It was like history was repeating itself, Rachel mused to herself. Gill had done exactly the same thing, but unlike her old mentor Rachel didn't plan on repeating the same mistake of drinking, especially at the magistrates court…. She pushed those memories aside, locking them in a box where she stored memories of all the shit that had happened over the years; Sharon upping and leaving, Dom being arrested and sent to prison - twice, her marriage to Sean which had fallen apart, her friendship with Janet breaking up around the time because she hadn't been able to control herself, and so many other things.

After the thought had materialised in her mind, Rachel truly hoped that her retirement wasn't a total mirror of Gill's; she might not be drinking to relieve the stress like her old SIO, but that didn't mean things couldn't go wrong in the future….

Author's note - Jessica, Izzy, Rowlands - they're all characters out of the amazing police detective fiction series written by Kerry Wilkinson. The DS Jessica Daniel series is something I got into over the past year, and I'm currently reading Playing with Fire. I was just struck by the similarities between Rachel and Jessica; both female detectives, stubborn, often risking their careers, and make mistakes.

I just had to write her in my story. Hope you like it.