"I don't know how Yuri had gotten sick that fast," Natsuki says, walking out of the house. It was hours later and Sayori, Natsuki, and I were walking out of the house, getting ready for school. Yuri had coped herself up in her room griefing her father. She had used the excuse of 'being sick' and surprisingly, the others brought it. She wasn't ready to act like everything was fine quite yet. Yet I, not yet understanding what really happened, still wanted to go. If both of us was sick Sayori and Natsuki would worry.
"Let's hope she doesn't catch it on to us," Sayori laughed in front of us, skipping in delight. Natsuki shrugged and walked with her while I trailed behind. How could I tell them? Natsuki and Sayori would be heartbroken. For Natsuki, her mother was the only escape from her father. For Sayori, her family was some of her greatest supporters. How could I tell them that they are all gone and never coming back?
"Monika, are you okay?" A looked up to see Sayori, concern written on her face, staring at me.
"Everything's fine," I say, my voice surprisingly light. "Let's get to school before we are late!"
Sayori had a hint of suspicion on her face, but I brushed it off.
The rest of the school day was normal. Except it wasn't.
The whole school seemed to be moving too fast. While I was stuck with this one thought friends still talked normally, teachers still push due dates on my chest, people still laughed and smiled. I wanted to scream, to cry, to show that five amazing people died over the course of a week! I wanted the school to mourn the undeserved deaths. However, people simply don't care about me or my friend's lives. Instead of being empowering, I'll be annoying, so I choked it up inside me. It felt like a weight on my mind and chest that I couldn't shake off.
Sayori kept checking on me after each class period. Natsuki's gaze was surprisingly worried.
When lunch finally came, I wished that I should stay home with Yuri. My head throbs like an unmistakeable hangover and my heart felt like at the life was sucked out of it. I was utterly exhausted.
Sayori, which was in my class that period, stopped me at the door. "You're not feeling well. Are you sure you didn't get sick?" I sigh.
"I'm fine, Sayori. It's just... It's just a bad day."
"That's my line," Sayori chuckles quietly, her eyes losing their brightness for a millisecond. "But, you can tell me anything. We're friends... We're girlfriends." She stands on her toes and kisses my cheek, giving us both flustered faces.
For the first time after this morning, a genuine smile revealed itself on my face. It wasn't necessary with my permission or because I was purely happy, I clearly wasn't. However, maybe, it was Sayori's smile. I swear, that thing could stop time.
"Yuri, can I come in?" It was after school, finally. I left before the club meeting, saying I wasn't feeling well. Which was the truth, mentally. I needed someone to talk to and Yuri was the only one who would understand.
"Sure," the voice inside said lightly. Yuri was still in her pajamas, sitting on the edge of the bed. Her eyes were huge and swollen with red from tears all day, the light was lost in her eyes, and her hair frizzed even more. She looked so exhausted and I cursed myself thinking that I was miserable. Meanwhile, she blushed at me having to look at her current condition but didn't say anything. In fact, she only merely whispered, "do they know?"
"No, I haven't had the courage. After all, the school day was hell."
Yuri frowns. "You shouldn't push yourself. I insisted you stayed home. A comfortable environment would have calmed you down some."
"Unfortanly that wasn't a choice."
"They would have understood."
"What if they kept on pushing and pushing..." I tensed, biting my lip from saying more. Yuri gaze softens and pats a seat on the bed next to her. I silently obeyed her movements.
"We have to tell them at some point, these are their family members."
"But-"
"If something happened to your aunt, would you like to know as soon as possible?"
I thought about it some and solemnly nodded.
"I think they will like to know too."
"But I can't! I can't break hearts like that! Expesscally when he is the suspect! I wouldn't be able to let the words out. Fear will catch me. Fear always catches me. I guarantee you, I will have another pathetic panic attack." I closed my eyes, squeezing them tightly so I won't be able to see Yuri's face. My breathing turns ragged, indicating my dire need of a break, but I kept yelling. I didn't have a choice, every once of my body was flooded with the cold waves of fear. "Am I having one now? I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I'm overly sensitive! I was the only one whose family didn't get murdered and look at me! A crying mess! Why am I like this! Why-"
"Monika!" I opened my eyes to see Yuri yelling my name, her face pained. She had her hand on my shoulder calmly. "Monika focus, please."
"I'm sorry," I say turning away.
"Don't be. It's not your fault."
"It is. Don't lie to me. If only I obeyed him, No, if only I obeyed them then none of this will happen! You three will be living happily and-"
"Monika! Focus!" Yuri was now standing, a firm grip on both of my shoulders. Her face was full of despair. "Monika, please, listen to me. I'm happy that you made the choices. To rebel from your strict parents. To bravely fight against Haru. If not, my self-harming would get worse. Natsuki still wouldn't be able to trust anybody. Sayori would've killed herself at some point. You would be absolutely miserable. The creative and unique choices you made had gotten us together, made us friends, helped us in ways I myself can't even describe! I couldn't thank you enough for that! I'm sure Sayori and Natsuki couldn't either. So please, don't say things like that."
Unable to resist anymore, tears streamed from my eyes and onto Yuri's bedsheets. I was speechless, staring at the trembling but confident Yuri in shock. Said purple haired girl, for a few moments, smiled from finally getting through to me before reverting to her shy self.
"It's the truth," she whispers finally, flustered.
"I-Thank you," I finally choked out. She nods, understanding.
After a moment of recovering, Yuri moves.
"Where are you going?"
"Fixing tea," she replied, facing me with eyes full of warmth. "Want some?"
I nodded, my throat too sore to talk anytime soon.
She smiles, a smile that seems to say, you'll be okay eventually. I try to replicate it but instead, it seems to say I hope so.
"Tell me if you need anything." And with that, she goes downstairs. Yuri is really fond of her tea, having insisted to bring her own collection of flavors and herbs when she moved here. It helps to reduce the urge from cutting but doesn't prevent it.
Big, slim red scars on your skin that will never come off just for pleasure? You're disgusting.
I shivered as his words echoed in my mind. The insults just kept coming, shattering my heart.
Sayori, the little bundle of sunshine, is probably depressed. She defended you unafraid because she wanted to be shot by me. I hope that blow kills her.
Natsuki's abused by her papa. Not strong enough to fight from a drunk like that. Pathetic, don't you think?
I need something to distract me, now.
I stumbled into my own room, hastily grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a poem. I enjoy writing poems, doing one every day for the literature club. However sometimes, mainly when having a panic attack, I have the urge to write. It's literally the only way I can express my feelings without disturbing anyone around me. I keep the poems safely hidden underneath my dresser. The poems, grammatically incorrect and not having little to any meaning, wait their days in the dark.
The number of poems that hide underneath there increased ten months ago.
I leaned back in my chair, content of finishing. The poem in my hands was written quickly and barely had any thought put into it. I scoffed, disgusted. It isn't perfect, so it isn't worth anything.
Stop that. My friends have taught me a better way to think.
I slowly got the folder that holds all of my unseen poems and slipped the current poem inside. I then pushed the folder back underneath the dresser. Suddenly my mind was finally clear again.
By the time I went downstairs, Sayori and Natsuki weren't there yet. I didn't expect them to be here anyway, seeing that they still at the club. A wave of guilt hits me, but I try to brush it off.
I went to the kitchen to look for Yuri. A denying silence filled the room which surprised me. I expected at least a teapot piping, the sound of tea pouring, or a page turning. However, despite the everlasting silence, the sight I was delighted with warmed me. Yuri was sleeping soundly, her head laying on her right arm. The other was brushing a page of her opened book beside her, waiting to be read. Her tea was on the other side of her, it's smell flowed through my senses.
Despite all of what happened today, Yuri looked peaceful. Even with her frizzed hair from pulling it too much and her still tear-stained face, it looked peaceful. An escape from reality is what she really needs right now.
I silently trotted back upstairs to get a light blanket to cover Yuri with. It was the beginning of autumn and I didn't want Yuri to actually get sick. She seemed to welcome the change in temperature, her lips muttering a drowsy thank you. I smiled.
On the kitchen counter was a silver tray with three mugs. Each was decorated with our names. Sayori thought it would be cool if we had assigned mugs when they all first started living in my house. We used them ever since.
After getting my mug, I sat on the couch in the living room, sipping the contents silently. For once, I was content, wanting everything to stay the way they are at least, for a little while. But things aren't that simple, we all know that, and things are getting much more complicated soon.
So, for now, I have to make the most of the time I have.