Mikado's heart stopped when his daily look in his postage box was actually fruitful. There it was, another letter just like the last, his name wasn't on it only his address.

But this time his address wasn't written in someone's nice handwriting, it was messy and childlike but for some reason, the teen knew Izaya had written it. He rushed into his apartment holding the letter tightly in his hand as he locked the door behind him.

His heart was hammering in his chest, he'd been waiting for his letter for almost two months. He took a deep breath, shrugged off his jacket and sat down at his table trying to steady his hands as he opened the envelope carefully and read the content, hanging on every word-

{ My dearest Tarou,

I miss you.

I've been thinking about you a lot, about us. I think the only reason I hadn't gone mad is because I can close my eyes and think about all the times you were by my side. Do you remember the first time we kissed? I think about it a lot, you were so beautiful…hell, you still are.

I hope you don't mind but I paid someone to take photos of you. I know, creepy right? But I just wanted to see you so badly. You've gotten even more beautiful, those glasses are utterly adorable and you look so mature. I look at those photos a lot, I keep them under my pillow or in my robe.

The doctors say I'm making excellent progress, I can move my arms quite well now but I'm having trouble with my hands. Who knew moving your fingers was so hard? They're encouraging me to write so I wrote the address on this letter, god, I hope they can read it. The doctors say that if I keep recovering at this rate, I'll be able to leave in a few months.

I can't wait, I hate this place. Honestly, it's the worst. I'm surrounded by people who are sick and dying. I can't even go anywhere on my own…I feel like I'm losing my mind. All these people looking at me with pity it just reminds me how weak I've become.

I keep working so hard, I keep thinking of you and getting out of this damn place.

I wonder if you can love me like this…I'm not strong anymore, I'm not all powerful, untouchable – I'm human, so very human.

My dear, I'm scared.

All the people I've done wrong over all these years, why does it feel like they're coming after me? Sometimes I can't even eat because I'm scared it will be poisoned, I can only eat food that been fully sealed because I'm so scared.

I came so close to death, I see it all in my nightmares. I can see everything that happened so clearly, feel the pain, hear the sounds of my body breaking – all night until I wake up screaming, covered in my own sweat. And when I can't sleep I'm acting like a child scared of the dark, every noise, every person who walks past my room makes me terrified.

I'm so weak, I can't walk let alone run anymore.

I can't live like this, my dear.

But when I look at these photos of you, I am reminded why I continue living.

Say, would you be disappointed if I told you I wanted to continue being an informant when I leave this horrid place? I know it seems stupid considering the state I'm in but I really loved being an informant.

I'm giving up everything- my home, my family, my belongings, my friends, even my legs so surely I can keep my job? I won't be in the field of course, there's only so much I can do from a wheelchair. But, I think being an online informant would suit me just fine, I'll hire a really powerful bodyguard and continue doing what I love.

Why do I get the feeling you're going to be frowning when you read this?

I'm sorry, but without being an informant, what am I?

I can't do anything, what is there that I can do like this? Without being an informant, what is left of me?

I'm weak, I'm scared. Honestly, I'm pathetic. I need something, something so I can stay me.

I hope you understand.

The doctors told me today that if I keep doing physical therapy for my legs for the next few years, I could walk again. Luckily, I wouldn't have to stay in this horrible hospital anymore but I'd have to come back every two weeks.

I don't want that.

I want this all to be over. If it cost me my legs then so be it.

I'll take it as karma for everything I've done.

I won't be able to use these legs to fly again even with therapy. I just don't think it's worth the pain.

I think I should carry these legs for the rest of life as a reminder that I'd only human.

I think for sure, they'll keep me grounded.

I hate this place.

I miss you so much it's like I have this huge hole where my heart is meant to go. I would give anything in the world just to hug you right now. To pull you close and inhale the scent of your hair.

God, I miss you. Do you miss me too?

I hope you do. I hope you've been thinking about what I asked in my last letter... if you'll come to my side. I know I'm asking way more than I deserve. I should be ashamed of asking you to do such a thing, to give up your life for me but if I don't ask then I'll only have more regrets than I do now.

I said it before but I've got nothing to lose but you so how can I feel ashamed when you mean literally the world to me?

I love you so much, I don't have the words to explain it- how much I utterly adore everything that you are.

God, I've typed out your name so many times and had to delete it.

I love your name, I whisper it to myself sometimes. I wonder if that's a bit crazy. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if it is. If I wasn't crazy before then I will be when I get out of here.

All these white walls, fake lights, fake air laced with death and despair, I feel like I'm losing it.

The doctor says I'll be ready for release soon! I'm so excited!

I can't wait to be out of this hell hole, outside where the air is real, where people are, where you are…

You'll be graduating high school soon, won't you?

My dear, I'm going to send for you. I hope you come but as I said before, I won't blame you if you don't.

I'll always love you no matter what happens.

You are my everything, so even if you have moved on or chose to move on, I will respect your choice and stay out of your life but I won't be able to resist watching over you. I hope you understand that you are my god so I will always come back to you even if you don't realise it.

I'm sure you'd have a lovely life without me. Go to university, get a good job. Meet someone, fall in love, get married, have kids and settle down. All those things, I will admit it breaks my heart to picture you with someone else but it's nothing more than what I deserve.

I've done a lot of bad things that I can't undo, hurt so many people, caused so much chaos…I don't deserve happiness but I want it, I want you.

I love you so much, I really, really do.

So please, think about it and when you finish high school, my dear, I'll send for you.

I will write before then, typing is getting much easier.

I love you.

God, I miss you so much.

Forever yours,

Kanra xxx }

Mikado sniffed, tears trailing down his cheeks as he read the letters over multiple times. It was a collection of letters this time rather than one singular one.

"Izaya…" he whispered holding the papers to his lips. His beloved…was in a wheelchair, he struggled to use his hands. Mikado could feel the anguish in the typed words and letters on the pages.

He understood that the older man wanted to cling to something even if that was his job. He didn't really find it all that crazy, he was concerned though.

Mikado rested his head on the desk. He only had two months until he graduated high school, two months and he would have to choose what to do – stay in Ikebukuro with everyone or leave for good with Izaya.

The concept of being with anyone but Izaya made Mikado feel sick to the stomach, even after Anri had admitted to having feels for him, he rejected her. He didn't think he'd be able to love anyone else but Izaya.

"I miss him so much…" Mikado murmured feeling a fresh batch of tears burn his eyes. "I love you so much…what am I meant to do?"

Deep inside his heart, Mikado already knew the answer.