Mikado's mind was a mess as he went through his final exams, his mind kept wandering to Izaya and he'd find himself zoning out at vital times.

Did he really want to go to Izaya? The man claimed to love him but he caused the teen immense pain, Mikado had almost lost his life thanks to Izaya's intervention and though he knew everything that happened wasn't only the informant's fault – Izaya had played a huge part.

The teen can remember the emotional torment he endured at the hand of the person he loved. He had seriously considered killing Izaya near the end because he couldn't handle the amount of love and hate he had for a man at the same time.

What if he left everything just to suffer for the rest of his life? Mikado didn't know what to do. Could he believe that the man had changed enough to value him more or would he just destroy him again? Mikado knew that Izaya truly loved him, it was obvious but the man's view of love was so flawed that it seemed more like hate.

Mikado tried not to think about it, throwing his entire body and mind into his exams, barely stopping to eat or sleep. His under eyes were basically bruised purple as he started his last week of exams but his anxiety levels didn't go down at all.

Especially when the next letter showed up. He opened it up wearily and read it over.

{ My dearest Tarou,

I've been released from the hospital! I have never been so happy in my life to be free. I'd almost forgotten how amazing the outside world is this last year. The simple things I never took any notice of, the breeze, the birds – all the things I took for granted are like a blessing to me now.

I hope your exams have been going good, I'm sure you've been doing great with how smart you are. I've been wishing you luck every day from my hotel room.

I've been setting up my new business online and have a few simple jobs like finding cheating husbands or missing teenagers that have run away from home. It's nice, something to keep me busy. I've organised all my belongings from my apartments to be moved to shipping containers or destroyed. From the information I have, you are no longer living in the apartment we shared which is understandable but I'm sure you still have the key.

So if you have things you want from there, like photos, clothes or such I suggest you go and get them by the thirteenth of March. I plan to buy new things to help me with my new life though I'm unsure if I want to buy an apartment or condo. I kind of want to explore and move around, I've spent all my life in the city so maybe a smaller town would be nice or even somewhere near the beach.

I custom ordered a nice wheelchair from overseas, its actually kind of cool looking, like something from the future. I also ordered a new version of my parka, I decide to make it a cloak. Sounds ridiculous, I know seeing I am in a wheelchair and my arms a weak, it is the best option. I don't really have to worry about getting cold that much anymore because I have a blanket over my legs.

I guess I should get to the point of this letter shouldn't I? Have you decided Tarou, what it is you are doing to do? Your exams finish on the tenth of March and your graduation is on the eighteenth. I want to give you some time to see everyone one final time if you are coming to join me here so I think the twenty-first is a good day to buy your train ticket.

I will send you a package a few days before that will the ticket and all the instructions to get to me and disappear like I said. I know this must be stressful for you and I'm truly sorry. I wish I could be by your side normally but it's just not possible.

If I were to roll into Ikebukuro the way I am now, I would surely be killed. I know it's incredibly hard to ask you to abandon your friends and family but it's the only way because half of your friends want me dead and wouldn't hesitate to reveal my location to my enemies.

I know I've caused you so much trouble over the years, I've made you cry and made you suffer but I do love you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I promise that if you come and join me then I will never hurt you again. I can't promise that nothing will ever hurt you but I will always protect you.

I love you. I know I'll never meet anyone else like you or love anyone as much as I love you – I realise that clearly now.

Please, I need you. I know I don't deserve you at all but I can't live without you. I'm a terrible human being, asking you to run away from your friends and family forever, never contact them again just to be with me but I don't want to lose you too.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to guilt you into coming and make you feel as if you don't have a choice, I'm just trying to portray my feelings. I'm being completely honest, I swear on everything I am and everything I ever will be.

If you don't want to come, if you don't want leave, then don't. I'll be okay, Tarou. I only want you to come if it's what you want to do. Don't think about me or anyone else just think about you. Please, my love, be selfish for once in your life.

Think about it and when that package arrives at the door, it's completely up to if you want to open it or throw it out.

I love you and I miss you,

Kanra xxx }

Mikado felt conflicted as he finished reading the letter, he hung his head and buried his face in his hands. "What am I going to do?" he sighed deeply.

Did he want to leave everything behind to be with Izaya? Leave behind all the people that hadn't held grudges, people that helped and supported him through his recovery? Mikado was thankful for everyone's help but there was one thing that got to him when it came to those surrounding him.

The fact that no one blamed him for his actions.

Some people were convinced he had just been manipulated into doing these terrible things but the truth was he hadn't, he knew exactly what he was doing. He could see through every plot and trick both Aoba and Izaya had involved him in.

He had been the one to order the Blue Squares to hunt down and attack people, he was the one who stabbed Aoba, he was the one who had set that man on fire, shot up those places and tried to kill Masaomi.

But everyone acted like he was innocent. Even with the stab wounds on his body that served justice for his crimes, everyone just smiled and told him not to think about it, to forget about those two years and go back to the way he was before when he first came to Ikebukuro but he couldn't because that Mikado no longer existed.

He could act that way to make people believe he was fine, that things had gone back to normal but deep inside he was just hiding. The two people that had accepted his true self had been Aoba and Izaya.

Aoba, whilst in his year level barely spoke to him, choosing to avoid him to which he later explained when -Mikado cornered him alone- was because Masaomi and Anri had threatened to kill him if he didn't comply and he'd rather not take a chance.

If he left he'd be leaving the world of lies he was currently living, he could be himself and actually sort things out within himself instead of having to bottle them up. He felt guilty, he really did, thinking about running away from those who obviously cared about him so much.

If he joined Izaya…he wanted to be with Izaya sure, but the man hadn't always treated him well. There was a high chance Izaya would find trouble once again and Mikado would live his life in a consist state of danger.

He hoped Izaya wouldn't do that but he had a feeling he would.

"If he does…I can just leave him." The teen murmured to himself. He could always come back to Ikebukuro, knowing everyone, they would probably accept him back with those nauseating smiles and act like he didn't abandon them at all.

He didn't want that.

As he finished his exams, trying to focus on them more than what he would be doing afterwards, he had to smile at his teachers who kept urging him to apply for various universities to which he claimed he wanted to take a gap year and do some traveling every time they brought it up.

He finished his exams and asked his friends if they could hold off on the celebrations until after his graduation because he was dead on his feet and just wanted to rest. They all were happy to comply seeing Mikado had looked exhausted for the last few weeks and with his body being so weak, had basically used up all his energy.

So Mikado rested, but when the twelfth came, Mikado left his apartment and boarded the train to Shinjuku. He planned to grab the things he wanted from Izaya's apartment before it was cleaned out.

The apartment was covered in a layer of dust when he entered the room. It was a complete mess obviously having been ransacked by whoever was looking for the informant. Witnessing the carnage of what had once been a space Mikado shared with Izaya made his heart clench and his eyes burn with tears.

He didn't let himself linger, He had to quick, there was a doubt in his mind that the building was under surveillance by Izaya's enemies. The teen worked quickly, grabbing the photos and belongings he wanted to take with him. The photos of their early relationship always made the teen upset because it was their highest point, near the end it was just a mess of confusion, hate, anger, hurt. A love the both of them had refused to let go of even though it was basically toxic.

Mikado hoped that they could start again and have the love they used to. He knew they had both changed but Mikado hoped that their love was strong enough to survive everything that had happened.

As the day of his graduation and the supposed packager delivery drew closer, Mikado had decided that he was leaving Ikebukuro with an unwavering determination.