A/N: 'Morning, dear readers, there's a new chapter to this. It contains some slight character development (especially for the fears of the characters), but I hope you will enjoy. It might be a bit sensitive somewhere around the middle, but it's not that major. There will be some language, though, but that's nothing new to this story.
That being said, I own nothing but the plot and the original characters. Thank you for taking the time to read and please don't forget to leave some feedback!
On with them horses...
Chapter 25 – Moment of weakness
The Central City was a beautiful place in autumn. Why, perhaps the days were shorter than in the summer and the sun was dimmer, the weather was not as warm and the wind was not as fragrant like in spring, but the nature was strong, relentlessly fighting against the imminent end, when the unforgiving cold would take away all its green beauty. Everything was slowly perishing, decaying, yet the trees stood their ground with dignity, weeping leaf after leaf, struggling not to give in to their impending merciless fate.
However, in the end, the nature started to lose to the changing weather. It was dying, no longer able to fight. Winter was steadily coming. It would probably snow one of these days, Roy thought as he cuddled deeper under the duvet.
He liked winter, he always had. Everything had to die so it could be reborn in full force, so it wasn't such a sad season. Winter prepared them for the start of a new year, different from any of the others. Everything was being rebuilt, even time itself. It was a chance for hope, for regrowth. It meant that his birthday was coming, too, and the winter holidays shortly after. No one could deny their magic, even if that one was turning thirty-one. He would never outgrow blowing candles on top of a cake and snow fighting.
He was ecstatic, only thinking about what that season meant - well, besides ginger bread, colourful lights and mulled wine. It meant that he had survived yet another year, he was closer to his goal than he had been at the beginning of the previous year, he got another year with those he loved and cared about. It was a true blessing.
He shifted the pillow under his head and turned to look at the window. He could only see the sky, bluish grey, but devoid of clouds. He had convinced Edward to leave the drapes open to look at the stars during that night.
He smiled, remembering the starry darkness caressing his beloved's features. It had been a moonless night, the only light coming from the little twinkling bulbs, spread all over the dark sky. Edward's golden hair shone gently under his eyes, so beautiful it could have been a painting.
He tore his eyes from the window to look at the peacefully sleeping figure next to him. His sunray, his everlasting light. He loved him so much, he didn't know how to show it anymore. His sunshine looked so calm and content when he slept, so different from how he was during the day.
Roy could tell himself otherwise until he ran out of air, but something had changed in Edward in the past few months. He was somehow reserved, distant, reluctant to his touch and gaze. He blamed it on fatigue, they were all stressed and tired after all, but it started to sound more and more like a lie to his ears. His boy was not okay, his head was somewhere else. Where, he could only hope nowhere too far.
The said sleeping blond stirred, slowly coming to wakefulness. Roy swiftly closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. It seemed to have worked, because Ed didn't make any move towards him. He chanced to crack open one of his eyes, managing to see the blurred lines of his lover's face. Ed watched him with a little smile, like he was trying to memorise his face. Only for a moment, it seemed like he was being looked like one would look at a god.
But it only lasted for one short moment, because the next he knew, Edward lowered his eyes and his brows knitted together in a frown. He made to stand up and Roy hastily decided that they should spend more time in bed, doing nothing. He hugged his waist and pulled him back under the covers.
"Morning, sunshine," Roy murmured in his ear, sending shivers down his spine. Ed cocked his head and looked at the man's bleary eyes.
"Morning to you too, and if I hear you one more time calling me that, it won't be a good one for you."
Roy chuckled and buried his nose under the blanket. "Would you hurt this innocent looking man?"
"I would beat the hell out of this innocent man, Mustang, because you sure aren't one. Now scoot over, warm me before I change my mind and do something reckless."
"You always do," Roy commented, but hugged him nonetheless. He nestled his head on the crook of his neck. "So, my sunrise, what do you have planned for this glorious weekend?"
Ed grunted. "Killing you? I've told you not to call me that!"
"I said sunrise, not sunshine. Get your vocabulary straight, Edward," he said and kissed his cheek. He rolled the blond over on his back and pinned him down. "So, plans?"
"Definitely not humping you in the morning, I'm hungry."
Roy made a face that didn't match his eyes, smiling cheerfully dark. "You hurt me, but fine, let's eat," he said and lowered his head to kiss his shoulder. Ed grunted and pushed Roy away. "Not me, food, Mustang, food!"
"Alright, fine, you spoil-sport," he said and turned on his back and stretched his long limbs. He slowly made his way downstairs to the kitchen, where Ed proved himself true to his words and started preparing breakfast.
Roy slipped next to him to brew their coffee. "You weren't joking about being hungry. I don't know if I've seen you jumping from bed straight to kitchen."
"Told you," Ed said as he cut some tomatoes. Roy didn't say anything, trying to understand the sudden rush.
But maybe he was imagining things, he thought. Maybe he was in for a surprise and Ed wanted to make it look like there was nothing.
He could pretend not to care if it came to a nice surprise, he decided as he stirred the dark brown powder in the kettle.
XXXXX
There was definitely no incoming surprise, Roy thought disappointedly as he turned the page of his book.
Yes, perhaps he had given too much credit to one of the most mundane Saturdays he ever had to live. He had spent the entire day reading and making notes, with Ed at his side, alright, but he still hadn't done anything more than turn pages and scratch words on paper. Not that he minded that, but still. That's all he had done.
Knowing how Ed would jump out through the window if the door wasn't open, only not to stay in during such a nice day like that late-November Saturday, he started suspecting something was really wrong with him. He raised his eyes from the book and studied him from head to toe, trying to find something misplaced.
Edward was sprawled on his back on the couch, buried under papers and books turned upside down. He was in one of those thunderous strikes of sudden inspiration, when whatever happened around him, it passed completely unnoticed. Roy didn't know if he should wake him from his reverie and furious reading, but in all honesty, he was starting to feel afraid.
He rose from his armchair and patted Ed gently on the forearm. "Love, do you need anything? I'll go make some tea, want some?"
Ed blinked, forcing his brain to slow down and comprehend the words. When he successfully managed that, he nodded. "Please," he stated simply and then returned to reading.
Roy took that as a yes and went to the kitchen to boil some water. He wasn't going to use alchemy for that, he needed some time to make up his mind.
If at the beginning of the day he had thought that maybe something was off with Ed, now he was more certain than ever. He was bothered by something and he hid it behind research.
'You really thought you can fool your casual workaholic with such an act? Think again, sunshine,' he thought disapprovingly. He poured the hot water in two mugs and went back to the living room.
He found Ed in the same position he had left him, the very same he had for more than five hours.
It was high time he took a break.
"Hey, Edward?" he said velvety, afraid to scare him. Surprisingly, Ed responded at the first call.
"Oh, you've brought tea. Thanks."
"No problem," Roy made with a little smile. "How's research going?"
Ed sniffed the tea before replying, "Quite alright, I've made some progress on my theory about space and time altering. I think I will be able to write an entire essay, maybe more."
"That's good news," the brunette retorted mechanically. He squeezed his shoulder. "What is the matter, Edward?" he asked, suddenly serious.
Ed raised his golden eyes, rimmed with red from all that reading. "Nothing, why?"
"You look a bit, I don't know... down? Is anything wrong?"
Ed felt himself heating up. He hoped that his distress wasn't that evident, but it seemed that he had been wrong. Ever since that evening when General Crendell showed up unannounced, he had been haunted by even more depressing thoughts than before. He had been aware that he was holding Roy back from having a normal life, whatever was understood as normal at least, but now he realised he might actually jeopardise his safety.
But he couldn't tell that to Roy when he looked so worried.
"I was thinking about my brother, you know," he said instead. "I was thinking of spending this year's holidays with him and Winry and Granny, in Resembool. I feel really bad that I promised them last year and couldn't go... You can come too, if you want. It'd give a chance to Granny to yell at you, since she missed the opportunity. It's like a family tradition."
Roy eyed him for a second, convinced that wasn't the entire truth, but he didn't insist on that. He smiled at the little side comment. "That's a good idea, apart from the yelling part. You haven't seen either of them in a few months, right? When did you think to leave?"
"I was thinking right after your birthday, what do you say? It's the end of November already, so I can wait until after the beginning of December, can't I? Maybe you won't get us killed this year, for a change. It'd be nice."
"Aren't you a darling, not letting me spending my special day alone and making sure I'm all good," the brunette said and rubbed his shoulder on Ed's.
"I can always leave sooner if you bother me."
"I can always not give you permission from work."
"As if I ever cared about your damned permission or legal leaves from work! Really, Roy, I don't."
Roy chuckled and kissed his forehead. "Don't I know it? Alright, just tell Hawkeye when you intend to take this vacation so I can sign your leave." Ed rolled his eyes. "See? It can be done without having to run after you or yelling or anything!"
"How convenient for you."
"Mhm, and that's why I love you."
"Because I'm convenient?"
"No, because you are such a sweetheart," Roy said sweetly, making Ed gag.
"Ugh, you sentimental old man, I am so leaving before your birthday, see if I care!"
XXXXX
Two weeks later, just as he had promised, Edward went to leave his request for a leave. Evidently, he wouldn't stay to see it being signed by his commanding officer, but he had no need for that. His commanding officer should praise him eternally that he was announced in advance about the leave and keep his snarky comments to himself or shove them somewhere deep, thanks very much.
Roy would better consider the lack of need to chase him around to ask where he went as a late birthday present, that bastard.
Ed would leave for Resembool at noon that day and Roy would join him when he finished with the usual frenzy at the end of the year. It was easier that way, not drawing any attention if anyone asked any stupid questions. Not that anyone would, but it never hurt to be prudent.
Humming, he walked with his hands in his pockets. The walls of the Central Military Headquarters were the same dull white as usual, the personnel was as rushed as always. He somehow felt like he was going backwards in all that excitement. He got past the many familiar corridors to the equally familiar door to the little storage room next to Roy's office, where Riza asked him to leave his papers.
He kept on passing various people, saluting randomly and whistling a little off-tune. He finally reached his destination and opened the door to the storage room. He put the envelope he was carrying on one of the cleaner tables and left.
On his way to the exit, he saw Crendell being handled some papers by a secretary. He hadn't seen him in a while, he heard from Roy that he had been sent with some business in Creta or something like that, but he didn't know more than that. He would probably hear about it later, he thought, no matter how curious he was or what he did to find out. Roy was getting better and better at concealing information that didn't concern him, but Ed had his ways to get around that. Not very effective, but at least he tried.
Crendell noticed him and smiled purposefully, those green eyes twinkling in the electric light. He tilted his head in salute and made to approach him, probably to talk to him. Ed nodded absently and continued walking, more determined than before to leave the building.
XXXXX
Roy closed the window with a bang. It started raining in that mocking way that it only could be seen during the beginning of winter, not cold enough for the water to freeze yet. It was that kind of rain that made every building look miserable and the streets filthier than ever. It was strange, because almost every year, shortly after his birthday or not too long before, it snowed with flakes the size of a grenade.
He tightened his grip on his house robe, feeling a little cold. It wasn't in the slightest, the walls were warm and he had tea steaming on the table, but his bones seemed to shake from within. It might have been the whipping wind from outside, as he had the window wide opened for the past few hours, but he suspected it was from something else.
He felt quite lonely. Ed had left for Resembool the next day after his birthday, and that had been almost a week before, but only then he was starting to feel the gap that was left in him. It had nothing to do with being all alone in a big house, he was too used to that to even consider that. No one could ever fully fill that void in him - the hole had been dug too deep, too long ago. Not even his beloved, who was so damn hasty in leaving on time to catch the train that he didn't get to say goodbye. Nor that he got to hear another word from him since then, really. Good thing Alphonse had more mind than his brother and called Roy to assure him that Ed had reached his destination in one piece.
Roy had said nothing about that, of course. He knew how restless Ed could get if he stood in one place for too long and it seemed he had reached the limit. Roy couldn't be happier for him, he was sure Ed would be back to normal the moment he saw his brother again and spent some time together, but he wondered when himself would be alright again.
It was the first year since he's first met Hughes in the trainee camp when he didn't cross the milestone of his birthday with him. They were always together at midnight, no matter what happened. War didn't stop them, not even Maes' death.
But that year, he didn't go to visit his friend.
He only went the night that followed and stood in the cemetery almost until morning, when the Lieutenant, who knew his routine very well, hunt him down and sent him to sleep for a few hours before he went to the office.
But he didn't toast with Hughes at midnight and there were very few things he regretted more than that.
Perhaps that meant that he was slowly getting over the tragic departure of his best mate, his comrade in everything but death. He might regret that he didn't visit his grave, but he made it.
He really made it.
That was what he had told Maes when he finally visited. That he tried to follow his advice and move forward. It was a very pale success, he didn't know if that could even be counted as one, but he had managed something.
He was proud of himself. His friend was always with him and his friend wanted him to be happy. He could at least try that and fail, but he wasn't going to be made responsible for doing nothing.
Roy paced back to the armchair and seated himself comfortably. He would read until he fell asleep. He had already packed his clothes, because the day after the next or maybe tomorrow if he felt like it, he would go to visit Ed's relatives.
From what he had heard from Al, since Ed was too busy to be bothered to talk to him, all the family was asking what he was still doing in Central. Of course, he could have very well left at the same time as Ed, but he felt like moping around a little longer. He didn't know what exactly held him back, but he didn't like tempting fate or his intuition.
Anyway, he was too agitated to stand still at a table with people and having to behave. He had sent both Crendell and Armstrong to Creta to pay a little visit to some friends – not that those said friends knew they were so close – and they returned rather cheery about their little job. That was good, he suspected, but he was still way too deep plugged in plotting to completely unwind and bake cakes or whatever was done in the Eastern Area during the Winter Holidays. He didn't really remember the traditions, but he remembered it had something to do with baking.
Despite how much he enjoyed the solitude of his cosy armchair and empty bed, he had to go to Resembool one of those days. He had instructed Miles to come over to the Rockbells and report about the Ishbalan progress and bring in the knowledge he requested from him on the matter of Drachma's situation. As much as he overindulged himself in the safety of the headquarters and its private phone lines, he preferred to be presented with the more sensitive information in person. Or so had Olivier Armstrong told him, who had delegated Miles as a courier over a month ago.
How urgent could that intelligence be, Roy wondered. He hoped not too much, because they sure had taken their sweet time.
He sank deeper in the seat, enjoying the warmth. He felt a little better, now that he had a warm cup of tea steaming over his cheeks and a good book on his lap. He read for about an hour before his mind deviated once again from the story.
He missed his boy, definitely, but he would see him again soon, Roy mused. He could wait for one more day, he thought as he turned the page, focusing back.
It was a surprisingly interesting novel, he never suspected he would find such a gem in the shabby looking bookstore he had purchased it from. He found it by chance, as he was looking for an old book on astronomy and planets, but he couldn't complain.
He turned another page, wondering what the protagonist was going to do next, when he heard the doorbell ring. He shifted his head to look at its direction, not comprehending who would look for him at such an hour. Not even Hawkeye would, his aunt never visited him at home, he didn't invite anyone and he didn't know anyone who would know his address and actually ring that blasted doorbell. Everyone usually knocked. The clink of the bell was a rare sound in the house.
He heard it ring again, so he left the comfort of his armchair and went to the door. He opened the tiny clap over the viewer and pressed his cheek to the cold wood of the door.
He could see a woman, wrapped in a heavy looking coat, her hair partially covered by a great woollen scarf. He didn't recognise her, but he opened nonetheless, preparing his fingers to snap if needed.
Cold wind hit him in the face and something wet lashed across his cheeks.
'I knew it would snow,' he thought triumphantly as he set his eyes on the rather charming woman. He looked at her for a moment, not knowing from where he knew her.
He hoped she wasn't someone he had crossed in the past, he was in no mood for angry flings yelling at him.
The woman pressed a steady hand on his chest and pushed him back inside. She closed the door silently and unwrapped the scarf around her head, letting it fall on her shoulders.
"I hate blasted Central, every time water touches it, it gets filthy," she said in a strangely familiar voice. Her hair was tightly gathered in a neat golden bun at the back of her head, her forehead shiny with little melted snowflakes, but he could recognise those damned blue eyes anywhere.
"What are you doing here, Armstrong?" Roy asked, not knowing what to make of her.
"Hello to you too, Mustang," Olivier Armstrong made with a profound scold. "Stop staring at me," she averted.
Roy blinked, taking away his gaze from what appeared to be the covert side of the usually rough woman. "Excuse me, but weren't you in Briggs? No one told me you have left the post, I thought you would remain there until the end of the year at least."
"Well, change of plans, dearie. Now, I will kindly see myself to the living room," she said as she kicked off her boots.
Her boots with heels, he remarked. She left her surprisingly fashionable fur trimmed coat in the hamper and put down what appeared to be a suitcase. He didn't notice she had one to begin with, but now that he looked down at it, he also saw the hem of a dark red woollen dress that made him stare at her even more intently.
He was left gasping like a fish, ogling the strange attire. It was just a common dress every other woman in Central owned and wore during the winter, but he never knew that particular woman had anything that contained a skirt. It was too feminine for her. It was like putting ponchos on a tank. That didn't work at all.
He locked the door and went to the living room. Olivier kept the creamy scarf around her shoulders, even though she didn't seem all that cold. "Um, Mira, would you like something to drink? I have some excellent coffee, or some strong tea. Or should I bring you a blanket, in case you're cold?" he asked politely, pointing toward her muffler.
She looked at him with bright blue eyes, a little red around the rims. She had the appearance of a startled deer, her eyes round and face pale like porcelain. She smiled weakly at him and loosened the scarf, letting it fall leisurely over her arms. "Some tea would do."
"Okay, want me to spike it? I have some great-"
"No, thank you."
Roy nodded and went to the kitchen even more confused. He might have not seen her in a few months, but he didn't think someone could turn out so different in such short time. Was it some strange virus that affected everyone but him? It looked like everyone around him was changing drastically and he was the only one who remained the same, lost in the distant past.
He made himself a strong cup of tea, because it was a tad too much to process.
Back in the sitting room, Olivier made herself more at home. She loosened her hair and let it free, golden cascades falling down her shoulders like they usually did. Her fringe fell back on her forehead and curled at the end. Finally, the woman on Roy's couch looked like Olivier Armstrong, if one overlooked the make-up she put on and that shape fitting dress that complemented her generous curves.
"Thanks," she said and accepted the cup he offered. "Sorry to drop by like that, I needed to come here as inconspicuous as I could. If the face you made was anything to go by, I say strangling myself in this drape worked just as planned," she chuckled darkly. "You know I'm a woman, right?"
"Not really, no," Roy said and smirked.
"Unfortunately, I am. If I were a man, I would have been Fuhrer by now and you would have been at the circus."
"Try that again, Mira. Anyway, leaving pleasantries aside, why the get up? You practically live in the uniform, why bother now? Did you finally come to your senses and accepted you are attracted to me?"
"Tsk, keep on dreaming."
"Worth the shot," he shrugged. "Then why?"
Olivier breathed in, looking displeased. "I didn't need anyone recognising me, it's a long line from the North to here, many passengers on the train, you know? I left the fort with them boys, they can handle anything that might pop up. I just didn't want a fuss over my departure, given... things."
"Things?"
"Yeah, things," she said a little embarrassed, her cheeks getting a rosy pinch. "How is it going for you?" she asked, suddenly interested in changing the subject.
"Well, all's good, I suppose. Your brother came back to town, by the way. You won't believe how convincing he can be, it's scary."
"I know my brother is convincing, don't worry," she said annoyed, not glad to praise her brother. "He is the size of a bloody mountain bear, any normal man should feel at least intimidated! We are Armstrongs, not puppets made of straws."
"I give you that. He works well with that turncoat, Crendell - I know what you want to say, that I shouldn't trust the git, and I don't, believe me, but he is actually having fun and not turning against us. Alex is very careful and I have him followed. He won't move in the front."
"If you say so, okay. I mean, it's your head, not mine. But how's the blondie? Is he having his beauty sleep that he didn't come barging in?"
"Resembool, actually."
"Ah, family time? Sucks to be you, all alone in this vast, vast house. Poor you," she mocked.
"Don't start shedding tears for me, sweetheart, I'm going there a little later this week. Apparently everybody has something to talk to me, I'm a requested man."
Olivier snorted undignified. "Ouch, the fabulous talk with the in-laws? I should pity you, but I don't. By the way, happy birthday," she said and punched his shoulder, behaving more and more like usual. "I brought you something, I promise less provocative than last year's. Though you must admit that was thoughtful, too."
"Everything you give me is thoughtful. Even the headaches," Roy jested and looked at her hands. She produced a small package from under the scarf and handed it to Roy. He opened it gently and smiled at the content. "How did you find it? I thought it got lost!" he said, beaming. He was holding an old battered notebook, its covers torn around the edges.
"Well, I thought so too, but I looked around the things I had back at my parents' house. I brought there everything I had during training and it sort of just stood in the attic and collected dust, but I took some time last summer to look into whatever was in there and I found this. I had no idea I had it, I don't remember taking it with me from the front."
Roy turned the faded notebook on each side, fondly stroking the covers. He opened it reverently and was hit by the sight of his best friend's script, complaining about some oddity. It was their old correspondence book in which he and Maes wrote impressions. They lent it to Olivier, too, when she was in her last year of training, and to some of their friends at the trainee camp. Everyone in their block wrote something in it, now that he thought of it, about some random person they fancied or someone they loathed, about an interesting event or their dreams or something that infuriated them, none signing themselves. Just writing and passing the notebook back to Roy. He liked the intimacy of having a book with people's thoughts, everyone sharing together and trusting each other.
He thought he had lost it, but there was a war going the last time he gave it away. War took beautiful times away, especially a time when they all believed in what they wrote in the notebook.
"Thank you, Mira," he said fondly. "Thank you."
"Don't mention it. Speaking of mentioning, you could stop calling me that."
"You can come here dressed in whatever you want and give me all the presents on the world, but I'm still calling you Mira, like it or not."
"Git," Olivier grunted. "Glad you like it."
"Definitely. It's a wonderful gift, thank you." Roy smiled at her and squeezed her forearm. She smiled absently, the mirth lost somewhere between the lines of her mouth and the eyes. "What happened?" he heard himself ask, his voice thick with concern. It was strange how often he has inquired that lately, but he guessed he was getting better at it. "All this secrecy just to give me a little gift from the past? I know you hate me, and believe me, the feeling is mutual," he said smirking, "but you can talk to me, if you want. You know my phone number, you can call anytime."
Olivier looked down at her lap and fiddled with her hands, making up her courage. "I... I just needed to see a friend."
"Oh, now we are friends?"
"Shut up, it is said in a moment of weakness."
"I'm touched. How so?"
She took a deep breath and looked at him, her eyes trembling with tears. "Well, I've... I've messed up. Royally."
"Nice phrasing, go on." He looked at her with hopeful black eyes, encouraging her to keep talking. She bit her lip, clearly distressed. Roy could hardly recognise the powerful woman in front of him, who looked somehow smaller, frailer. She was too much like the scared girl he hadn't seen since she came to him crying after she had to endure the harsh words the men in her division made up for the little blonde girl playing the soldier. She had hardened so much since then, but now, his old friend was asking for his support once again. He could provide that.
Seeing her carefully built confidence steadily collapse, he sat on the low table in front of her and grabbed her hands. He covered them with his, warming them. "I'm here for you, Olive," he assured her using the old nickname and smiled gently.
"I know. It's just... something happened that shouldn't have. Really shouldn't have." She sighed and he nodded, signalling that he understood that part. "Oh, fuck it," she snapped, disgusted by her inability to express herself. "Roy, I'm pregnant," she said, her hands starting to tremble with anger. "Here, I've said it. I'm bloody pregnant."
Roy froze, not expecting to hear that. He could have bet his money on any other cause for her distress, but that. He couldn't really imagine her as a mother, but she was one to her entire regiment in Briggs. A severe and unforgiving one, but she cared about her soldiers more than many other commanders out there.
"So... you're pregnant," he chirped dumbly.
"That's what I've said, don't repeat that," she growled as if saying that again would make it less real.
"Um, that's good news, right? Congratulations! That's... wow, it's amazing!" Roy cheered with a wide grin. "It's amazing!"
"Like hell it is, it's not good news! What the fuck am I going to do? I can't have a kid, I'm a freaking commander, not some pampered mommy popping out kids so I don't have to do anything and just lay around caring for brats! I just can't have a kid! I can't!"
"You sort of can, as you are having one..." Roy pointed out. "I think it's great, don't be so gloomy, come on! Did you tell anyone else? Shit, have you told Miles? I mean, is he the father? I don't have to go and threaten anyone, right? Because I will, count on me!"
Olivier looked offended. "Of course he is!"
"So, what's the problem? Little Olives is having a baby, how great is that? Oh my, Maes would have popped a vein if he was still here! I hope you won't start making random pictures of the kid and harass everyone with them!" he joked good-naturedly.
"I won't, because I am so not having it."
"You are joking, right?" Roy asked, really surprised. "You are like a thousand years old, if not now, then when?"
"How about never? What's with that logic, anyway?"
"What's with it?"
"I just can't afford such distractions, stupid. I'm not made for such things, just imagine me for a moment with a new-born! I cannot, myself. The truth is that I've went to a doctor outside my base on the way over here, that's the reason of the getup. I don't want anyone to find out about this, mind. The doctor said that it's too early for an abortion and that he didn't notice any problem with the- the thing. It's not okay to abort if you simply don't want the brat, apparently, so the doctor told me to think a bit more about that, maybe change my mind because the freaking state would probably not let me get rid of it, say it's immoral or some shit. But I won't change my mind!"
"I hope you don't think of sticking any needles inside you and hope for the best, right?"
"Evidently not, that's why I came here!"
"Oh... so you came to me so I could find you some discreet doctor to do it, because the one you went to didn't want to. Why did you even bother to come here, you know there are enough doctors who would turn the blind eye if needed. It's not uncommon, really, many women do it. You've went to such lengths to hide it, you've pretty much disguised yourself and went to a stranger, why coming to me when it could have been much easier closer to Briggs?"
"Because you know people!"
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you know people too. Your base doctor has her lips so tight you might think they're glued together when it comes to medical history, did you really think she wouldn't help you? Weren't you preaching about how united you all are?"
Olivier shook her head. "Don't be an idiot, it is different, I don't want it to be known there, it would make me look like some lowly-"
"Slut? Whore? Does having a baby make you that, now? That's new. It will make you look more human, it's not like you've grown another arm. Or is it below you to crave someone else's touch like any other lesser mortals and accidentally get knocked up? Darling, fucking sometimes does that to women, you know? It's actually its real purpose in nature," Roy stated idly, his face unremarkable.
Olivier slapped his hands away from hers, red in the face. "How dare you call me that, you immaculate son of a bitch? You have no idea what you're talking about, you have absolutely no responsibility, you fucking shag another man just because it's easy and it won't get you some crazy bitch with a brat beating at your door, don't talk to me about humanity and craving touch!"
Roy narrowed his eyes dangerously, his voice turning into a low growl. "If you dare call Edward some easy fuck just one more time or my mother a bitch, I swear it won't be good for you in so many ways than one, hear me?"
"Are you threatening me?"
"Damn right I am, you ungrateful bitch, because you forget who I am and that I can ruin you, your family and whoever you ever cared about just with the flick of my hand!" He raised his voice, the expression of mortification on the woman's face fuelling anger he didn't know he possessed. "Don't you bloody start talking about responsibility when you come knocking at my door, wanting to get rid of your own responsibility, because that's what that child is - your responsibility!"
"You are amazing, Mustang," she snorted. "As if you face your own responsibilities. You are a coward at best, you never take anything seriously when it comes to commitment. You are only committed to yourself. Everything you ever did was for yourself."
"For myself? I run away from commitment? Excuse me? Who is asking whom for an emergency doctor? Let me tell you something, Armstrong - I'd give my right arm and the left one to have a family of my own and live a quiet life after all the shit I've been through, but it won't happen because, guess what? I'm neck deep in politics and getting out would probably kill me with all the bounties on my head, the only living family I have consists in people who haven't tried to kill me yet, and my 'easy fuck' is a male. A male to whom I've made a promise and I'm not going to go back from it as long as I have breath in me. I can lose him anytime because I'm getting too old for him or boring or he might find me repulsive one day, I don't know, but it freaks the hell out of me because I don't know what I would do if that happened! But I'm not running, I try to do my best, even though I have so much to lose. I had to kill family, Olivier, does trying to find love anywhere I am slightly wanted make me a coward? I ask you, does it?"
Olivier stared at Roy, whose eyes were getting red and his cheeks flushed. He looked startled at his limp hands, resting uselessly on his knees. "I-" he started, his voice less confident than before. He bit his lips, realising he has gotten their argument someplace he hadn't planned for. He didn't suspect there was so much bundling inside him. "I just... fuck, I didn't want to burst like that, I'm sorry," he said, hiding his face in his palms. "It's just... Olive, I-"
"Yeah, I get it. You've got problems, I've got problems, the world won't end with us. I- I just... damn, I went overboard too, sorry," she admitted, ashamed for calling him names and getting caustic.
The brunette shifted his gaze to her face. "Leaving that aside, you know where I stand, you've known me for ages. I'm not forcing you into keeping the child because it isn't my decision at all, but I don't understand you. What do you want me to do? Because if you only came here to rub salt on my wounds, then you can very well show yourself to the door, I'm not having you insulting me in my own house. Though I think you actually came to me to convince yourself of what to do."
"No, I know what I want."
"Then don't come talking to me about such bullshit! If you wanted discretion, why did you come here? Olivier, you are just making a big case out of nothing, why do you even want to get rid of it, really? I thought you wanted to have a little family, it can be arranged with very little fuss, you know," Roy said, trying to reason and forget his own insecurities. "Actually, why didn't you talk to Miles?"
Olivier looked on verge of losing her temper. Why couldn't he see it her way? She was unable to care for someone, especially someone so little. In almost no time, she managed to insult mothers everywhere, at least two men and remind Roy of his own problems, how could she be a model for upbringing?
She wet her lips and raised her blue eyes to look into his. "Roy, I can't. I just can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. Do you even imagine me as a parent? Good heavens, that kid would thank me if I just didn't give birth to it, who would want someone like me for a mother? I don't know how to settle down! I live in a freaking fort in the mountains that was built with blood and bodies, for crying out loud! Even if I had it, I would have to give it away, because I have no place to take care of it! Why would anyone want me as a mother? I've abandoned my parents and I've beaten my brother to the pulp because I couldn't trust him enough to tell him of my plan, how could I build anything healthy for an infant? I don't even have someone to raise it with!"
"Don't say that, sure you do. Just have a little more faith. Families are complicated as it is and we sometimes do horrible things to protect them, no one blames you for that. Don't forget how you cared for your brother and sisters when they were little and you were reading to them. Think of all the wonderful things you did for others, for your subordinates who worship you for your strength of character and fairness. You honoured every last one of them. You saved Miles from being killed in the war, doesn't that count?"
"No, because I always make him miserable, that poor bastard, I don't even understand why he keeps on seeing me!"
"The man loves you like a dog, Olive, can you imagine how happy he will be? He will be out of his skin with excitement! You can't possibly make him miserable, he has chosen you ever since the moment you allowed him to remain in the North and didn't hand him over to the MPs. I'm sure you won't be alone in this, he wouldn't do that to you. I have a hunch he always wanted to have a little one with you, you have no idea how he idolises you. Think how he would adore a child of your own."
She huffed exasperated, deciding not to listen to whatever Roy had to say or what facts dictated. "No, no, don't you see? It was all about personal gain, I had them all indebted to me! Every single one is indebted to me and that keeps them loyal! I'm incapable of love! No child deserves such a shitty mom, Roy! No child would want me!" Olivier burst, shaking badly and tears already pooling on her eyelids.
Roy frowned at her ridiculous banter which, in his opinion, was way off reality. If that was what hormones did to her so early, he was already feeling sorry for anyone who made the mistake of crossing her later in the pregnancy. "What are these words? How can you even think that any child would not want their mother? Why are you even thinking of something like that, it's absurd."
Olivier continued to shake her head vehemently, not wanting to see reason. It was almost as if she wasn't able to come to terms with herself, not able to comprehend that the image she has made in her head about herself wasn't all that accurate as she had fancied it to be.
"Let me tell you this," Roy tried, noticing she has spaced out. "I've wanted to have even a minute more with my parents, but they were killed, Olivier, killed in front of me. Do you think that I ever thought that I would have been better without them at all? Yes, I had so many problems because of them, but I never thought that! Or do you think Elicia will be happy when she is older that her daddy died, because he wouldn't embarrass her in front of her friends? Think of Ed and Al, they paid with their childhood to bring back their mom, who might have been ashamed too for giving them such an unstable future! They even forgave their father, who just vanished one night and didn't come back for years! I don't know if that makes sense to you, but no child hates their parents just like that."
"But it's different, they've gotten to meet them-"
"Yeah, and you want to kill it before it even gets the chance. Sounds logical. Talk to Miles, at least," he repeated, not understanding her problem. Why the hell didn't she talk to the one that put her in that situation? They could work everything out. She was rather selfish to think it was all about her in that sentence.
"I- I don't know...," Olivier whispered.
"You're-" Roy started and abruptly stopped, preventing himself from making another scene. For how good he was at wooing anything with a pulse, he completely sucked at making sense. He sighed. "I will ask you again, why did you really come here? Did you want me to convince you to have that abortion? Did you really think I would do that? First, it's not even my decision, and secondly, even if I had a say in this, it would be subjective at best. I always wanted to have a family, but I probably won't, because I love Ed and I'm not going to leave him for as long as he will have me. I would have liked a child or more, but the heart wants what it wants. The heart is kind of stupid, really," Roy said frankly, this time far sagely than before. It was no need to hide around from her, if she came to him so bluntly. But he had to make her see reason, not to force her into anything. She needed to think clearly, not make some rash action he knew she would probably regret. So he chanced throwing in a little lie.
"Tell you what, Olivier," he finally said, "if you are so adamant on abandoning it, you can very well give it to me. I will pretend it just popped out of nowhere, of course I won't tell it you gave birth to it, I wouldn't dream to embarrass the child for having you as a mother, no! I will say mommy didn't want you, little baby, you should thank me for taking you away. I would tell the child, daddy would have loved you if he knew you existed, but mommy hated you from the start. Is that better?"
Her brows knitted together in a deep scold. "How dare you? I wouldn't let you say such things to my child, you monster!" she snapped.
Roy smiled smugly at her. Well, he had gotten what he wanted. "Of course not, Olive," he retorted satisfied with himself.
She cocked her head, looking at him strangely. She had a look of horror and anger, but it was all dipped in joy and hope. "Oh my god, Roy, I'm having a baby. Oh, gods..."
"Yes," Roy replied and hugged her, effectively halting anything she might blurt out thoughtlessly. Olivier wrapped her arms around him tightly, desperate to cling to someone as she felt the floor sweep under her feet. She put a mouth over her mouth, nearly hyperventilating. "I'm going to be a mother... fuck, I'm so scared. Shit, Roy, what the hell am I going to do? I'm so scared! Oh, fuck..."
"Well, you will have some good months to think about it, right?" Armstrong nodded on his shoulder, whimpering like a dying creature. "Sorry to call you a slut... and a whore... and a bitch..." he muttered, mortified by what he had called her. His mouth talked ahead of him again.
"Neah, I deserved that. How the hell did I even think anything of that? Fuck, I hate how clouded I feel, it's like my brain got stupid out of nowhere."
"I'm sure. Actually-" Roy's face lit up and stroked her hair to make her look him in the eyes. "Tell you what, come with me to Resembool. Fresh air, nice people, no one giving a damn why you are there..." And there would be Miles coming there, too, but she didn't need to know that at the moment. "It's definitely warmer than Briggs and cleaner than Central in rain," he continued. "It could give you a breather, some time to think clearly. You can consider all ups and downs, then make an informed opinion, what do you say? Not one pushed by your own fears or coming from an emotionally crippled man."
"Can I do that?" Olivier asked incredulous. She felt pathetic and weak, but she wasn't above grasping any charity thrown her way when she was that scared of the future.
"Sure, why not? You already know the brothers and Winry, I doubt their grandmother would object to having you. She is a good person and she cooks heavenly. Real home-made food, Mira, just think of that!"
She chuckled. "Yeah, sounds good. I'm... I'm sorry for that... that," she said vaguely, wiping her tears. "I can handle blood and killing, but I suck at this."
"You know I enjoy seeing others mentally breaking, especially you, honey. I wanted to wreck you for ages, so never mind that! It's like a second birthday present from you! Did I tell you how much I love you when you cry?"
Olivier kicked him in the shin and put her head on his shoulder. "Watch it so I don't make you cry more than you already did, mutt."
XXXXX
Edward was having the time of his life with his brother. He missed hanging out with him, he didn't see him in way too long to be considered healthy, he thought. Al looked good, happy to be teaching and comfortable in his house.
He smiled when Winry called them to dinner, seeing how fondly Al looked at her. It reminded him of how Roy looked at him. It felt strange to be thinking of him so distantly.
After dinner, the brothers went out in the frozen garden. It was rather cold and windy and the Elrics had to cuddle close to each other. Ed gave in the feeling of warmth and safety, next to his little brother. He forgot how good it felt to have him like that, sitting carelessly on a blanket, looking at the stars.
"Brother," Al said dreamily, "do you miss travelling the country?"
Ed tapped his soles lightly on the cold ground. "Sometimes. Do you?"
"A little. I like what I have now, it's nice to have your own bed and wake up in a proper house every day, I'm grateful I can sleep again and breath and feel, but I sometimes think that I should expand a little more, until it's not too late for that."
"What do you mean?"
"I was thinking of going to Xing to study more about alchemy. Well, alkahesty, actually. Nothing too long, no more than six months, and then come back and leave in another expedition some time later. I want to learn more."
Edward hummed. It was more of an appealing notion than he wanted to admit. "I think it's a good idea, you could anytime write to Ling for the accommodations and support."
"Mhm, that's what I was thinking, actually. He could talk to masters from his country."
"That'd be cool."
Al looked at him pointedly. "Brother, would you like to do something like that? We could go for a few months somewhere, we could gather so much knowledge like that! You could publish it as research for the state, you know. A few months every other year, what do you think?"
"Or we could go in different directions and meet each other to compile what we've learnt. It would be more comprehensive like that, don't you think? You could go East and I, West, where nothing would boil my automail. We could cover more ground like that."
"Yeah, that too," Al agreed thoughtfully. It sounded like such a great idea, travelling for expanding their knowledge. They could bring many useful notions to Amestris, where non-combative alchemy was still rather unexplored. They could do so much progress!
"We should do that next year, what do you think?" Ed suggested a little too excitedly.
"That'd be great. I will talk to Winry."
Edward mentally groaned. He had forgotten his brother was married and should ask his wife about such decisions. He remembered Roy, to whom he would have to talk, too. Damn it.
Maybe a trip for such a long time would do them good, he thought. He felt like a heavy burden on Roy's shoulders, every day he felt more useless to him. It sounded like a great thing to dedicate his resources to aid him to accomplish his goal, but with time, he started thinking some distance would be more useful. Ed could help him from afar, too, by bringing new technology and advanced science. A developed country should benefice of both and he was very receptive when it came to absorbing any kind of knowledge. It could give Roy a good chance to consider moving on from him, too, he thought grimly.
He shook his head, trying to physically shake that ugly thought from his head.
"Ed!" Winry called him from the window behind them. He turned his head and watched his friend open the window to make herself better understood. "There's a phone call for you, come in for a moment," she said and waved to the study.
"I'm coming, thanks," Ed replied and patted his brother on the shoulder. "I'll be back in a moment."
"Take you your time, I think it's the Gen- Roy," he stuttered, forgetting to call the man by his given name. "You haven't talked to him since you came here, right?"
Ed mumbled something unintelligible and went inside. He reached out for the receiver and placed it at his ear. "Yes?"
"Hey, Edward, how are you?" Roy said clearly from the phone.
"Fine, I was outside with Al. It's quite cold, but it's not that bad. You? How's Central?"
"Just like you've left it. Look, I don't want to interrupt your brotherly get-together, but I wanted to tell you I will be joining you tomorrow evening, is that alright?"
"That soon? I thought you would stay more, miss me already?" Ed teased lightly.
He heard Roy chuckle over the line. "Since you practically fled from home and then didn't give any signs of life, what do you think? You're lucky with your brother, he called me to tell me you arrived safely, or I would have thought you have left for good!"
Ed frowned, feeling slightly guilty. He sort of forgot to talk to Roy. "Whatever, come when you can. Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?"
"Actually yes, I wouldn't rob you of your precious time otherwise, since you are harder to reach than the president. Anyway, I wanted to ask if I could bring someone with me, do you think your folks would mind it?"
"Who?" Ed asked curiously.
"I can't tell you, but you will see tomorrow. Is that okay?"
"I guess so. Bring them over, then, there's plenty of room. I will tell the others about that."
"Thank you, Edward."
"Yeah, no problem."
"Well, then, I will leave you to your blissful isolation from me. Goodnight, sunshine."
"Yeah, goodnight to you too," Ed replied and put down the receiver. He wondered who that 'someone' could be.
XXXXX
Olivier woke up with a start. She was panting heavily, feeling panic building up in her chest. She took a deep breath to steady her heart, pounding like it wanted to pop out of her body.
The soft sheets felt rough and stingy on her heated skin. She wriggled out of them and descended from the bed she occupied in one of the spare rooms. It was very late at night, the stars were bright on the sky. She looked for the slippers at the foot of the bed. After she wrapped herself in a kilt, she gingerly left the room, hoping not to wake Roy who was in the room down the hall.
She didn't need to worry about that, though, since the door to his room was slightly ajar and there was light coming from underneath it. She paced to it and peak inside through the little slit between the frame and the body of door.
She saw Roy on the bed, tucked under his blanket, reading. He noticed the movement in his peripheral and looked up. "Is everything alright, Olive?" he asked, his voice a little coarse.
She opened the door and crossed her arms over the chest, leaning on the frame. "Mind if I come in?"
Roy smiled and patted the spot on the bed next to him that was empty. "Sure, come here." She nodded and padded to the indicated side of the bed. "Make yourself comfortable, would you like something to read?"
"No, it's fine, whatever you're reading is okay," she said as she rested her back on the pillow at the head of the bed. Roy looked at her and raised the hem of his blanket to invite her in. "Don't stay there like a statue and freeze, or do you want me to bring you another blanket? I have a few spares."
"No, I mean... whatever, move your arse over there, make space," she commanded and snuggled under the offered blanket. It was pleasantly warm, heated by Roy's body. Olivier moved closer to the source of the heat and Roy extended his arm, allowing her to place it under her head like a pillow. He smiled at her and rubbed her shoulder. "Sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, just shut up and pretend to be a heater," she said irritably, but cuddled her head closer to the hollow of his neck. "But first, tell me what your book is about."
A/N: That's it for now, hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope it didn't prove to be a bit too much, but well. Thanks for reading, as usual, and don't forget to leave some feedback.
Till the next time, ta-ta!