If the Marauders were a boy band James would be the sexy one, Peter would be the adorable one, Remus would be the smart one and Sirius would be the wild one. On second thoughts, if the Marauders were a boy band Peter would be a groupie.
To live up to Sirius' semi-imaginary title as the "wild" third or quarter of the group Sirius had to outdo himself every other week.
"I'm not human no longer." Sirius strode into the dormitory with a facial expression on his face that would suit a triumphant king after winning a war.
"I'm not human anymore." Remus corrected.
"Don't have to listen to the rules of logic no more, my dear boy." Sirius inhaled so deeply Remus wasn't sure if he was trying to breathe or swallow one of the four poster beds with his nostrils. "You see, I have a super power. Just by touching a woman's breasts –any woman and every woman- I can determine correctly their cup size."
"That's not special, that's just having a decent sense of measurement." Remus wished he hated crushing Sirius' dreams more. "Besides, you never touch female bits anyway. Aren't you still dating me?"
"Indeed I am, little friend. For someone who's pretty factual about everything, the fact that you can't say breasts doesn't help you seem intelligent… or straight." Sirius shook his head.
"But I'm not straight." Remus said bluntly.
"SHHHHHH!" Sirius stage whispered. "NO ONE IS MEANT TO KNOW, WE'RE KEEPING IT A SECRET. THIS IS BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING PARANOID AND I DON'T WANT TO GET SHOT."
"Prove it."
"I thought you didn't want me touching anyone's boobs but yours?"
"I don't have any."
"Do you want to bet on that?"
"Yes."
"Fine, I'll show you my new found power if it turns out you don't have a rack."
Remus lifted up his shirt. Sirius swore.
"Idiot," Remus rolled his eyes.
"I just wanted to see you with your shirt off."
"I have a six percent body fat percentage. My body is not aesthetically pleasing." Remus said blandly.
"NEITHER ARE PICASSO'S PAINTINGS. THAT DIDN'T STOP HIM." Sirius called, trying to be comforting or encouraging to persuade Remus to not wear his shirt often, as he ran out the door to go find his first victim.
Remus followed him, not wanting to miss out on any of the hilarity and personally feeling responsible for when Sirius' ego is crushed for several moments after he realises that he is still human once more.
"EVANS." Barked Sirius. She was leaning against a bookshelf in the Common Room and was speaking to Mary MacDonald. Clearly Lily was distasteful at the fact that she and Sirius were in the same room, the least he could do was not to speak to her.
Without any hint of regret Sirius placed both of his hands on Lily's chest.
"Get your hands off my breasts." Lily gritted through her teeth. "I'm going to count to three."
"REMUS, PERMANENT STICKING CHARM ME NOW!" Sirius yelled.
"DO YOU EVER THINK AHEAD?" Remus asked.
"One…." Lily muttered. "Two…"
"YOU'RE A B CUP." Sirius declared as he threw himself off Lily, because it was a situation he did not want to be in for much longer for his own safely.
"You better run, Padfoot." Remus suggested.
Sirius did so, however, surprisingly he ran back up the dormitory to retrieve his broom. He glided out of the window triumphantly.
"I TOLD YOU, REMUS. I TOLD YOU."
My friend told me to write this. Don't touch my breasts.