[Palpatine is sitting in his headquarters in Coruscant, talking to two advisors]
"Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story." Palpating says.
"Well this is interesting," Leia says, crossing her arms with a frown on his face.
"The Emperor looks a lot uglier than I would've imagine," Han comments.
"You're gonna talk about his face? How about the fact that he's so casual, and laughing!" Luke says in disbelief.
"This is gonna be good." Landon says with an eager grin on his face. Chewbacca roars in agreement.
"Oh my gosh, that is so funny!" Mas Amedda says, laughing.
"You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!" Sim adds.
Leia grimaces at the sight of those two. She's met them before when she was in the Senate with her father, and they were not the kind of people she would want to meet again.
[His phone rings]
"Go for Papa Palpatine," he says, clicking the receiver button.
Luke widens his eyes before breaking into a laugh, and the others stare at this completely different version of the Emperor that they knew.
"You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice and breathing] Darth Vader."
Luke laughs even harder, and the others join in, even Leia breaking a smile, holding a hand to her face to cover her laugh.
"That's... how your father calls... people?" Han says in between laughs.
"Well you can't say he wasn't a funny guy now huh?" Luke replies.
[sighs]
"Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith?" Palpating asks casually, turning around in his chair.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just slow down. Huh? What do you mean 'they blew up the Death Star?'" he demands in disbelief.
Han, Landa and Chewbacca all burst into laughter at the look on Palpatine's face, even Leia laughing, and Luke grins proudly.
"This is gonna be good!" Han exclaims.
Palpating then starts slamming his just on the desk in a rage. "(Beep) Oh!"
[slams fists on his desk]
"(beep, beep, beep) Who's 'they'?!
Nobody can help themselves anymore and they start laughing, unable to stop. Lando slaps Han on the back and Leia is holding onto Luke, having never imagined the possibility of this side of the Emperor before.
"I can imagine him... doing that when I..." Luke tries to breathe. "When I turned on him..." he can't continue on anymore.
"What the (beep) is an 'Aluminum Falcon'?!" he yells angrily.
"Aluminum?!" Han and Lando exclaim incredulously, and Chewbacca playfully smacks both of them in amusement.
"Well, it is a piece of junk." Leia says teasingly.
Sim and Mas both glance at each other nervously.
Palatine sighs in furious exasperation. "Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you (beep) me? Well where are you?"
"Oh hoooo man... how did he get away?" Han wonders.
"Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in... leathery... burnt... bacon."
"That's not something I'd like to imagine," Lando says with a grimace.
"Two weeks..." Luke says, snickering.
[Holds phone away from ear as Vader obviously yells at him, Amedda looks shocked]
"Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide. That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have - do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit?" Palpatine says rhetorically.
"Why does everyone think it's so hard to hit a two meter target?!" Luke asks.
"Because it is kid! Only the best can do that!" Han retorts.
"Well I guess I'm the best," Luke shoots back.
Han frowns. "Now look here-"
"Shut up, keeping listening," Leia says, scolding them.
[phone rings]
"Ah, hang on, I've got another call."
[switches line]
"What?! I'm very busy right now! ...Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a Turkey Club," he says, going from angry to calm in a second.
They all blink in surprise. "Is he... ordering food?!" Lando says in bewilderment.
"Well where do you think we eat? He may have been a tyrannical ruler but us politicians have to eat," Leia says.
"Turkey club. Who orders that?" Han says with a chuckle, shaking his head.
"Uh, Cole Slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting?"
[Amedda pats his knee as Aloo checks his watch]
"No, see, I-I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye - wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks." Palpating finishes, clicking the button.
"Wow. Who knew this is the guy I fought on the Death Star." Luke remarks.
"No wonder you beat them both kid," Han says in agreement, and Luke frowns.
[switches back to Vader]
"Sorry about that."
[sighs]
"...what? Oh-oh, 'just rebuild it'? Oh, yeah, re-real (beep) original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite?"
"HA!" Lando exclaims, and the laughing starts up again. "He called him an ATM!"
"I wish I could use this stuff!" Han says.
"Now get your seven foot two asthmatic (beep) back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny (beep) you were about 'Padamamay' or 'Panda Bear' or whatever the (beep) her name is!"
Luke and Leia stop laughing at the reminder of their mother for a moment.
After a moment, Palpatine holds the phone away with a look of shock and amusement on his face.
"...Oh geez, he's crying!"
More laughter. "Why couldn't we get to see this stuff!" Han complains.
"Just be glad we're seeing it now Han old buddy!" Lando says, and Chewie roars in agreement.
"Heh, heh, heh..."
[Aloo and Amedda silently laugh]
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of (beep) teenagers, y'know?"
"Teenagers?!" Luke protests.
"Well, you technically were a teenager kid." Han points out.
"Yeah but-"
"Shush," Leia scolds.
"I didn't mean to snap."
[Motions to guests a gesture of 'jacking off', showing Vader's gullibility]
"Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-yeh-I...I love you too."
"That was brilliant." Lando says, and they all nod in agreement.