Chapter 15: It's all a mess.

Author's note!

Hello, readers. I do just want to say that you're all rather difficult to please. The only way I see Ana and Christian ever reuniting is if Ana bends to Christian's desires once more instead of fighting him. But then, I get reviews saying that she's now seen as pathetic and not worth reading on for?

Well, alright then. I have nothing more to say.

Suddenly, the room was immensely crowded. Not to mention suffocating. By the sounds of it, Elliott and Jose had joined the party. I grabbed Ethan's hand in mine and pulled it off my eyes and to my lap, grey eyes torched but I ignored it.

Through everything that was happening, I did not understand how Christian could still feel like he had the license to be jealous. I was the one that was over-flooded by jealousy, he had no right. So, I decided to ignore him. Thoroughly.

Instead, I searched. "Jose!" I cheered.

"Ana!" He returned, having been searching for me too. Jose looked as good as ever and I felt an instant guilt for having stayed away for so long.

Leaping off Ethan, I dashed past Kate and Christian and into the arms of Jose. He received me warmly, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on the top of my head. " You had me worried sick!"

"And so I heard!" I laughed into his chest, remembering Kate's exact same words.

"It really isn't funny, Ana." Jose whined. "I had to deal with both your parents over the phone because you never picked up your phone and Kate was being evasive."

"Awwwww," I cooed into him, pretending to be a mom trying to calm her child down from misplacing a toy.

"Your work place said you're on a paid leave of absence until further notice." He went on to say.

I stiffened. Before I could even open my mouth to probe, Christian confessed. "Guilty." I realized that his voice was not as far away as it should have been and almost following, I was jerked out of Jose's arms.

Jose's face turned sour.

"Jose, I'm really sorry." I referred to my disappearance and this very moment, gently, I pushed Christian away so he was not touching me.

His eyes warmed. "It's alright. Anyway, I just dropped by to see if you were still alive." Scanning the room, his lips twisted into a wry smile. "And it's way too crowded in here."

I rolled my eyes. "Tell me about it." This apartment, this room, was too cosy for liking. There were too many people and too much hormones all over the place. Surely, alliances had been drawn and I could not bear to think of the results of a war. Any war.

"So I'll head back first." He offered, like the kind Jose I knew him to be.

"You have somewhere else to be?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Work."

"In that case, please do stay. I'm sure Christian can arrange a paid leave of absence for you as well."

"Ha-Ha" Jose mocked me. "Funny, Ana."

"Bye Jose." I gave him a light punch in his chest and he shook his head at me.

Turning on his heel to leave, he muttered, "Please pick up your phone when your parents call."

"Hey wait." Ethan called after. Jose stopped and spun around again. I watched as Ethan gave his sister a brief hug and then skipped over to plant one on my cheek to intensify Christian's hatred for him. "I've got to head to the airport, we can go down together."

"Bye Ethan." I waved at him and he reciprocated as Jose and himself vanished from my view.

Elliott cleared his throat. "Kate, I think we should send him off."

"There's no need." Kate said stubbornly. Once she made a decision, they were rarely changed.

But of course, when it did come to Elliott as I had now been made familiar, her character would most of the time fluctuate to his pleasure. "I insist."

I heard her sigh in defeat. Elliott threw an arm around her shoulder and hugged her close. "Bye Christian, Bye Ana." Elliott bid us as he hauled Kate closer to the door.

"Bye!" I waved cheerfully.

Kate shot me a glare over Elliott's shoulder. "I swear if you let that man into your pants, I will crucify you." Her glare was so icy that I dared not to provoke her, instead, I offered her a nervous wave as she disappeared as well.

Just as quickly as they had all came, the room was now empty except for Christian and I. It was intensely awkward without my four body shields and buffer zones. I was now exposed to this radioactive creature that was so good and yet so deadly.

Christian still remained behind me, barely a palm's length away. I trained my eyes down on the floor and we stayed like that for a rather long time. He was so close, so very close indeed and I knew it because I could feel him.

Christian's breath sent tingles all over me as they hit my neck. "Ana, I need to ask your permission."

That's a first. Now, I was interested. With exaggerated slowness, I faced him, coming chest to chest against him as I failed to pick up on how close we really were already. Christian held his position.

"What is it?" I was afraid to ask.

A million possible questions flashed across my mind. None that were pleasant. Can Leila come home? Can we visit Leila? Can you move out? Can I cheat on you again? Can we break up?

But yet, his question was. "Can I release to the public that the rumors are false and we are indeed still a couple?"

I gave it a thought. Recalling the mess I had seen downstairs and the ambush Ethan and I had been traumatized from, I had half a mind to agree. Yet, half a mind to tell the truth.

Christian put his hands on my jaw, framing my face as he titled them up to meet his gaze. "I'd say it's to ward off those pests, but truth is Ana, I want us to be a couple again."

"Okay." I replied, taking a step back before the pain could seep into my system sourcing from his touch.

His eyebrows raised in surprise. "Okay?"

I knew exactly what he was thinking. "Okay to the release of our togetherness, but to me, we're still pretty split up."

Christian pursed his lips at my words but then swallowed his dissatisfaction. Fishing out his phone, he dialed and pressed it against his ear. He reached out to hold my left wrist in his palm and I gave it to him. "Release it. " Without even so much as another word, he hung up and slipped it back into his pocket. "Thank you, Ana."

"You're welcome?" I tried, not sure of the pleasantries one was supposed to reply in a situation such as this.

He laughed, lighthearted and charmingly that I almost forgot the situation we were stuck in. " You never fail to amuse me." But, I did. I took my wrist back and a step away from him.

His eyes tightened like screws already on too tight. They pained. "Ana," he started.

I felt obliged to interrupt. "Please don't say you love me, I don't think my heart could take it."

The screws were spun one more time around. "Ana. I was so focused on Leila that I -"

My palms flew to my ears and I found myself clamping them for probably the hundredth time this week. He grabbed at them and pulled them down. "Listen, Ana. Listen!" He urged.

I squeezed my eyes shut as he continued. "I was so focused on her. But then it felt so wrong, it felt so wrong." He shook me at my wrists as if desiring me to open my eyes for him. "She wasn't you, Ana. And the spell was broken. I could only think of you as I... Lost it. And I know I lost it because she was not you."

When I didn't reply, Christian shook me once more. "Did you hear that? She wasn't you. She wasn't you Ana, that's why I couldn't keep it up."

His words did reach me in my deepest darkest place. Though, I could find little strength to open my eyes as I had no motivation to do so. A confession of this sort along with his grey eyes would kill me. Because, crystal clear they would be and I would know he was being honest. But yet, I was not ready to forgive him because he still committed such a crime.

"By the time I snapped out of it, it was too late." His voice was grave, as if reading a funeral announcement out loud. "I had done it and there was no going back."

He was right. The very moment he had let his urges take over and his pants drop, I had lost every trust I once held so dear in him. Even with everything he was saying now, it was not going to make things instantly better.

Christian's earlier words crossed my mind. Indeed. How long did he have to pay for this same error? It did feel good to have him at my mercy, but I knew that if I wanted to move on, we had to get past this eventually.

He grew desperate. "Ana, talk to me."

I pondered and gave him a curt "Okay."

"Okay?" He asked.

I opened my eyes to be met with so much confusion, a portrait of many emotions within him that I felt sorry for him. Deciding to clear it up a bit more, I continued. "Okay. I understand that you lost yourself, I understand that you had no intention of doing so, I understand that you're remorseful." Unfortunately, I had sounded aggravated and snappy.

Instead of blowing up, Christian cocked his head to a side and gave me a sincere smile. "You're missing one."

I was not as obtuse as everyone made me out to be. Almost singing, I taunted him. "I know which one."

"Can I say it?" He looked at me with puppy dog eyes and I felt almost pulled to oblige by his magnetic attraction force.

But, I held my grown and turned serious. "I don't want to hear those words, Christian."

Christian sighed. "I just want you to know that I do."

I sighed as well. "I just want to feel like you do."

"And I do." There his hand was once again around my jaw, coaxing me to look up again into his grey ocean.

I refused and took another step back.

That stung Christian and he dropped his head in utter sadness. "I just want to clarify something that you seem to have overlooked."

"What now?"

"Ana, neither of us have pushed for an official break-up." He said and instantly I knew he was referring to the elephant in the room that we had so coolly avoided from talking through. "You never said that you want us to break up." Then he looked up with me with such a ecstatic smile on his face. "And you have no idea how happy that makes me feel."

I did not want him to get the wrong idea. "But it doesn't mean that we're together!"

His face fell. "Really, Ana?"

I nodded.

"Then say it to my face, Ana. Tell me that you want us to break-up." Christian challenged confidently.

I opened my mouth and Christian's eyes bulged with surprise. But yet, I could not find the words in my system to do so. So, I close my mouth again. He relaxed.

But I would do anything to take that smug smile from his face. He needs to know that I could not be relied on to never leave his side and forgive his every error. Unconsciously, I opened my mouth to speak once more.

Christian seemed to have a panic attack. I willed myself to say the words, to say the very words he needed to hear but did not want to. But saying it... Would make it so final. It would give him the right to spend time with other women, I would have absolute no say.

He'll move on, my inner goddess warned.

She was right. I just was not ready to see Christian with another woman so soon, whether it was serious or a rebound. My insecurities got the better of me and I closed my mouth again.

Christian heaved a sigh of relief and visibly relaxed. " Thank you, Anastasia."

I rolled my eyes at him before I could stop myself. Time seemed to suspend itself as he deliberated my action, my heart trashed against my chest.

He said my name too slowly and too emphasized for my liking. "Anastastiaaaaaaa Sssssssteeeele." It sent a wave of panic through me. " Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

My body moved away from him but he held on to me firmly with a fierce smile on his face.

" Ethan rolled his eyes at you and you didn't punish him!" I whined in defense. I sounded so much like a child. So much like Christian.

" But he isn't my girlfriend, Ana." With a bit too much joy for my liking, he continued with, " You are."

My heart was in my mouth as I watched his eyes flicker with hunger and excitement. "Speaking of which, seeing that you are my girlfriend, I should suggest guarding yourself against Ethan..." He deliberated. "And Jose."

"Guard myself?" I squeaked, my breath barely returning after his brutal rape of my sound mind.

Christian's jealousy was talking now. "You're my girlfriend... An eye for an eye won't do."

"What are you talking about?"

"Two wrongs doesn't make one right." He hinted further. Judging from the blank look on my face, Christian gave up trying to connect the circuit that was my brain. "Ana, I've cheated on you and I hope you won't cheat on me."

There it was, fresh and raw right before me, the almighty Christian Grey's insecurities. That I would no longer belong solely to him, that the pure innocence of my body has been shared with another man. It was almost the same as me leaving him.

Uh-oh. My inner goddess covered her mouth in embarrassment.

Keen and sharp as Christian Grey was in business, he picked up on my discomfort instantly. In a tone that could only be described as extreme horror, Christian's jaw hit the ground. "ANA, WHAT DID YOU DO?"

I kissed Ethan. He kissed me. We kissed! My brain confessed it but my mouth failed to follow suit. I was in trouble. I was in trouble. Ethan was in trouble. I was comforted by the fact that he was miles away and Christian claimed only to be a in-the-moment kind of guy.

"WHAT KIND OF SEX DID YOU HAVE, ANA?" Christian probed, urgent to discover the truth.

SEX?! No, no. Not sex. And then my brain clicked together once more, I could leave this showdown unscathed if I played my cards right. Christian was under the impression that I had gone down and dirty with Ethan or Jose in all sorts of manners except the actual intercourse.

As if he believed me to be too innocent to know the terminology of my deed, he raised his eyebrows in question as he assisted me. "Where did he touch you, Ana?!"

Christian's right hand raked through his hair as I tried to think of the right strategy to avoid this combustion all together. Gah. I panicked. "My mouth!"

"YOUR MOUTH?!" Both his hands now treated his head as a rice terrace, running through his hair so many times that I was pretty sure the soil was soft enough to begin dropping seeds in.

What was he so angry about? I knew kissing another man would be bad, but this bad? I doubt so.

In agreement, my inner goddess nodded her head. She picked up her magnifying glass, the very same Sherlock Holmes had relied on, and examined Christian in fine detail.

Seething and reddening with rage, Christian's infuriated grey eyes combed through mine. "WHO?!"

"E-" I began.

"THAT BASTARD." Christian roared, pounding his fists together.

"It's nothing as compared to your touching of Leila, Christian." I pointed out matter-of-factly.

"ANA!" He groaned. "I KNOW IT IS NOT. BUT MY FILTH IS ALREADY UNFORIVABLE. YOU'RE VIRGIN MARY, ANA. AND NOW YOU'RE NOT."

Still bewildered and very lost in this rainforest that was Christian Grey, I shook my head at him. "I'm no longer a virgin, Christian."

There was a tint of humor that passed through his system but failed to truly reach his eyes. "Of course I know that, Anastasia. But you had belonged to me until…" He ended mid-sentence with an irritated growl, clenching his fists tighter together.

"Christian," I tried to reason with the good doctor before he ripped himself apart into the hulk. "it was a spur of the moment kind of thing, we were just in the moment."

"So, I suppose he's had his hands all over your… body. I suppose he's already kissed you on your… lips."

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" I cried in exasperation.

"Since when?" The uncertainty seemed to make his way into Christian.

"I just did. I told you." I repeated myself. "He kissed me on my mouth?"

"OH!" Christian pretty much screamed as he realized that I had already said it. What was all the fuss about? "You meant your lips to his?"

"Yes?" Then, I went on to further clarify. "Lip to lip, breath on breath, tongue on tongue, saliva on saliva?"

"Yes, yes, Ana!" And then like the mercurial bastard he was, he reached for me and pulled me into a warm clasp. "Oh, my sweet Ana." If I had thought I was disorientated before, I could not have been anymore wrong.

Just like it had been with Kate before, the vibration of his phone suspended our moment and he fished it out from his pocket and placed it against his ear with much irritation. "What?!"

I studied him as he listened, his mood shifting from irritation to disbelief and then to intense exasperation. "You could not have picked a worse time, I swear."

Who was he talking to? I leaned onto my tiptoes to try and get closer to the phone receiver and make out the voice. Was it a girl's? Realizing this, Christian made life easier for me and lowered his head so I could hear for myself the rough and deep voice that was rambling on. Secretly, I was grateful for him doing so.

I relaxed and he smiled at me, pressing a small kiss against my forehead. "You can't do without me?" He urged the man over the phone, galled and peeved at the news he was receiving. At the instant reply, he gave his own rude response. "Well, F*** you. Fix it."

He released a gust of pent up frustration as he placed the phone back into his pocket and returned his attention to me. "Ana, will you come with me to New York tonight?"

New York?! At this hour?!

"Something's come up. I will lose this deal if I don't salvage it myself. It may seem that if I want to get something done, I'll have to bloody do it myself." He was accounting for this rash decision. "I can't leave you behind, not with everything that's going on."

I deliberated. Flying with Christian to New York at such a late hour was not the least bit pleasing to me. Sure, we would take his jet, but the hour spent together on the plane was unpredictable. It could swing two ways; we could either make-up or fight the plane to the ground. The latter seemed more plausible, and the trip would then be destroyed.

Besides, he did not need to juggle work and me, especially with the desperate situation he clearly was in. In addition, some time away from him would do me good and I could really try and figure things out. With Ethan and Kate gone, I was able to see Christian from a pro-Christian level. With Elliott out of the way, I could see Christian from a anti-Christian level. It was time I think this through for myself, with no unbiased source influencing my decisions.

"No, I don't think I will." I had made my decision. "I'm much too exhausted to be traveling."

Christian was not pleased, but neither did he have the time to argue. "Well, seeing that Ethan's out of the state and Mr Rodriguez is occupied with a full night shift tonight, I don't see why not." He said it as if cancelling out any hope of mine to have a rendezvous with them while he was absent.

"Ana, i'll be back first thing tomorrow morning. Don't get yourself into any trouble."

Run for your life, The Fray.

Wish you were here, Avril Lavigne.

Give me love, Ed Sheeran.

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