Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews!
December, 2nd:
She goes on my nerves all the time but not because of her temper. No. Because of how she makes me feel. I am in love with her. It all lies here, bare. Right in front of me.
And it hurts.
The silence around it burns insidiously but with the passing of time, I have got used to it to the point that I wouldn't know how to keep on living without it. It probably doesn't make much sense – even sounds stupid – but nobody has any when in love. Nobody has a hold over these feelings.
It happened on a Monday morning as if the symbol of novelty through a new week had decided to play a role on what my life was supposed to be.
She turned around – looked at me – and within a second I had understood absolutely everything; from the strength of my feelings to my incapacity through the years to ever confess them.
She became my friend. The only one I have ever had. My confidante in spite of this side of me that I cannot tell her about.
Sometimes, I wonder if she has guessed; if she knows the slightest thing. But deep inside – even if my heart seems to skip a beat – I hope nothing but her to remain unaware of it. She would not understand.
Not that she would assume that I am crazy – no, she respects me too much for that – but things would never be the same anymore between us. She would feel embarrassed and I would be guilty. I cannot ruin our unique friendship.
Perhaps this is how it is supposed to be. Life doesn't have to be fair nor pretty. Smooth. I have not learned much about human relationships that is not deceiving. Being careful is paramount for me. These links are too fragile in spite of their apparent strength.
It is like a house of cards. It takes so much time to build something that within a second the wind can destroy for the eternity.
Love is as powerful as a gust of wind.
Against all expectations, it isn't that hard to accept it and play the game even if some nights seem a tad more bitter than other ones. Lonely and cold. You get used to it. Get used to these semi-lies, to an avalanche of smiles that hide a whole series of missed opportunities that only reached glory in your mind. It is okay. I am fine.
Really.
Even if I know that Jane will never be mine.
5.30pm
"What's your job?"
Maura froze at the question but kept on smiling. She had become an expert in the art of hiding her discomfort to people who didn't know her much. As a matter of fact, Jane was the only one – as far as she knew – who could read through her like in an open book.
She ran her tongue over her lips to win some time and began to formulate an acceptable answer in her head. It wasn't easy.
Images of the morning were rushing to her mind; viscera slipping through her fingers, a brain taken out of a skull. On the dead body of a child of five.
"I am a medical examiner." Yet she refused to lie, to enhance some sort of beauty out of the truth. It was not how it worked. Not for her, anyway. Her bluntness wasn't well seen – especially with kids – but Maura refused to let them believe that reality was pink.
Not that children growing up in an orphanage could think this.
"You cut open dead bodies?!" The teenager made a face and seemed to suddenly take her distance with Maura as if she were facing a monster. Her reaction embarrassed the blonde.
"This is only one part of my job. I actually help the forces to..."
But the teenager didn't give her time to finish her explanation and stopped her with a gesture of the hand before shrugging away the whole thing.
"I don't need to hear your whole life. I know you're only here because you were asked to so let's just pretend we had a nice chat and now – if you don't mind – I'm gonna watch tv."
Taken aback, Maura looked at the fourteen-year-old stand up and leave towards the other side of the room where a group of teenagers had gathered in front of a huge television set.
This wasn't how she had imagined her first day at The Home For Little Wanderers would go. Since she had accepted Jane's request the day before, she had spent all her time thinking about activities she could suggest to the kids but obviously, she had been naive. Way too enthusiastic. None of them seemed happy to see her and Jane around in the building.
"So... How is it going?"
The Italian's hoarse voice cheerfully rose in the air. Maura turned around – stared at her – but didn't say the slightest word. Her facial expression talked for herself, anyway. She was now lost between uncertainty and dispair. A terrible mix. Jane made a face and smiled apologetically.
"They need time to come to us, you know. They're just kids who had a tough life. It's not like they can trust us right away like that. They've been disappointed in adults way too many times already."
The brunette was right – and wise – but her words didn't reassure Maura nonetheless. She was not good at handling human relationships and would never be. It was a miracle if Jane was still around.
A miracle she clutched to desperately; in silence, though.
"It is too early for a Shakespeare workshop, isn't it?"
Jane pouted trying to put a little water in her wine – after all, it was her fault if Maura was living all this – and offered a pale smile in consolation.
"Don't take it bad but it's always too early for a Shakespeare class."
...
8pm
As she stepped out of Maura's car, Jane realized that it wasn't cold but literally freezing. Huddled up in her winter coat, she sped up her pace and passed the gates of Boston Common; following a rather impressive amount of passers-by. They were running late because of her.
She had insisted on going back to the BPD after their volunteering at the orphanage to check a few things but had then been stuck in traffic and Maura's silence said it all. She wasn't upset but mad.
Like every year.
"We're going to make it on time, no worries. Anyway, it's the same stuff every year so it's not like you're gonna mis anything big." Jane's laugh fell flat. Poor attempt to break the ice. "The lights will be on until January. We have a whole month to see them over and over, Maura."
"Maybe. But the lighting ceremony is today and only today. In thirty-five seconds to be more exact. What is it that – every year – we don't seem to be able to make it there on time?"
Jane rolled her eyes. She didn't understand her friend's obsession for it and if it hadn't been for her then she wouldn't even go to Boston Common for the annual event. She couldn't care less. Sure it looked pretty but they could enjoy it any time. Any time for a month. The ceremony could not be more formal. Even boring, actually.
Yet every year, Maura spoke about nothing but it.
They reached the crowd at the end of the main path and bought the candles they would light up when the electric tinsels gave life again to the park plunged in the dark. Another tradition, another way to strengthen their singular relation.
"They only had white ones left..."
Maura smiled reassuringly at Jane and grabbed the candle.
"I don't mind about the color. This isn't the point of the whole thing, Jane. They could be black that it would be the same. I am here for the symbol." With you. The two last words stayed trapped in her throat. They brushed her lips but she swallowed them back.
The mayor of Boston appeared on an improvised – outdoor – stage. A local celebrity followed him. Everyone applauded.
As Jane looked up at the sky, she realized that they had stopped right under a Holly Christmas wreath with mistletoe. She bit the inside of her cheek to repress a moan. Even if Maura saw it, they would not kiss. She knew it. The scientist would pretend to have not seen the slightest thing and she would simply move on as she always did.
The countdown began and – all of a sudden – the trees lit up through golden shades.
"Magical..." Maura's whisper floated in the air, carried away by the hurra of the crowd and all the applause soon melting into music. She smiled – brightly – and turned around to look at Jane. "See." She bit her lower lip and shook her head. She looked sorry. "You would prefer to be somewhere else, wouldn't you?"
Jane lit up their candles and passed her arm under her friend's before dragging her closer to her own body for some extra-heat. She shook her head while looking all around at the enchanting scenery.
"No."
The sincerity of her answer found a comforting echo in Maura's silence. A bitter one, though. Like every year for their closeness not being the one of her own desire. It was the paradox of the whole thing. If Jane enjoyed these moments she shared with Maura more than anything, they also burnt – deep inside – for reminding her every second that reality had little to do with the feelings that made her heart beat.