Author's note: thank you very much for all your remarks!

December, 5th:

I think ma' knows. I think she has guessed for quite a while but doesn't dare to talk to me about it openly. She doesn't know where to start, what to say. She throws little hints here and there but never do the words pass her lips properly to make me face my feelings. Unless she doesn't dare, afraid I won't be able to handle it.

She is fine with it as much as it doesn't match the background she has grown up with. She is quite open-minded – especially since her divorce – but she isn't ready for it.

She isn't ready to push me more or less abruptly to recognize a couple of things. What for, anyway? I am not afraid of saying that I am in love with Maura but I don't want her to know. The nuance is slim, delicate.

She has never been my confidante. We get along in spite of disagreeing on a few things but I have never seen her as someone I wanted to share everything with. It isn't that I don't trust her. I am just bad at expressing my feelings. It makes me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable. And stupid.

So she plays along. I am sure of this. She remains silent over the situation the way I do and nobody is hurt. Everything goes on as it should. She must have guessed how important it was to me as she didn't try to tell anyone, starting with Maura. Ma' can be discreet when she wants to.

I don't think that she is disappointed in me. She likes Maura and welcomed her in the family. They get along, together. A lot. I guess that she would actually be happy if something had to happen. I simply know that it won't.

Of course, at times I fantasize about a different universe. Maura and I are a couple and everything goes fine. Everything is perfect.

For some reason, I often picture us out at family dinners. The table is big – all our relatives are there – and all of a sudden, she grabs my hand under the table. It may not be real, the touch nonetheless sends a shiver down my spine.

I turn my head around and smile at her. Peacefully. There we are, the two of us. As it should always be.

The room becomes silent.

This is my biggest fantasy about a virtual us. It isn't even sexual. With Maura, everything is quite a lot more intense, more serious. She is the only person I have ever imagined myself experiencing this kind of situations with.

The only one I can contemplate myself with on a daily basis for the rest of my life. That's why I do know that she is the one. I don't even have to force myself nor close my eyes. It is clear, logical yet impossible.

6pm

"Is it for you?" Hands in her back, the saleswoman approached Maura and smiled brightly. "A nice Christmas surprise for your dear one?"

The honey blonde giggled – out of nervousness – and shrugged as she looked down at the bra she had just picked to try on. She hadn't even planned on stopping by the boutique but as she had left the morgue earlier than the usual, she hadn't felt the desire to go back home immediately.

Shopping was a nice passtime. Comforting. And before she had realized it, she had passed the door of the fine lingerie shop.

"Well..." The lace of the piece of lingerie slid between her fingers.

She was about to let go of it and leave when the employee put a hand on her wrist to stop her with all the delicacy in the world.

"Why not going for something closer to Christmas? Like red or emerald green. Black surely is one of the best classics but be a bit more daring. With your fair complexion, I would give it a try to the emerald green collection we have a bit further on your left. Lace is a nice choice. It is sexy without being too... Extravagant."

Maura let the woman take her to the right spot. She focused on the bras and the garterbelts. It was way too cold for these right now, though. Boston was going through a tough winter.

"Does he have any favorite?"

"Who?" The question passed the medical examiner's lips before she even realized what the woman was talking about. Too late. As it hit her, she simply blushed and looked down; shaking her head.

"It's a bit complicated?" The salesperson smiled again before winking. She grabbed a couple of bras after casting a glance at Maura's chest and turned around towards the fitting room. "Come with me. Lingerie is always a comforting purchase when life is a bit uncertain."

The words passed under Maura's skin then rushed to her head where they bumped into each other loudly. She stepped into a small room that looked like a boudoir and hung her coat on a side. She took a deep breath and began to undress. On the other side of the door, she heard the saleswoman's footsteps vanish as someone called her name a bit further.

She tried one of the bras and looked at her reflection in the large mirror. It suited her, highlighting her curves rather nicely.

Yet all of a sudden, her smile of satisfaction melted into an expression of pain. She closed her eyes – feeling the tears rush up at the edge of her eyelashes – and took a deep breath in a last attempt to repress them. A first sob – a quiet one – passed her lips nonetheless. She crossed her arms against her chest, completely distressed.

She burst into cries, standing half-naked in front of the mirror of a suddenly not so friendly boudoir. The saleswoman's words were now spinning around, almost mocking her for being in love with the only person who would never be hers.

...

7.45pm

"Finally! I thought you would never show up! Where were you? You got abducted by aliens?"

All smile – yet still shaken up after her unexpected meltdown at the boutique – Maura waved one of the bags that she was holding. Jane rolled her eyes and rubbed her hands together to warm up a bit.

"You must have quite an impressive collection of bras, by now. Or whatever you bought. You're on a shopping spree much?"

"I had some time to kill yet not enough to stop by a couple of art galleries. Besides, a woman never owns enough lingerie. Unless – like in your case – she only goes for the athletic style."

Jane frowned, not really upset but still quite unhappy about the remark. She plunged her hands in the pockets of her coat and shrugged before mumbling a rather inaudible answer.

"What have you just said?" Maura squinted her eyes at her friend as an amused smile curled up her lips. She was happy to see Jane. It was comforting in spite of the Italian being the roots of her very own distress.

"I said that I didn't have only sport bras, as much as they're useful. I also have... Other ones... But who cares? It's not like you're about to see them." Jane blushed and looked down at her feet as she realized that what she had just said could have several meanings.

"You almost killed me the last time I tried to check what you had in your closet. Believe me, I wish nothing but to see how bad the situation is so we can make it go better. What if I offered you some, for Christmas?"

Arm under arm, they both walked up the streets towards the movie theater. The sidewalks were not crowded yet but many people had nonetheless gathered to have a look at the Christmas decoration in the window stores.

"What?! Maura! Don't buy me lingerie! That's not the kind of present I should get from you... It's a bit... It's too intimate. Nobody should buy lingerie for anyone else, actually. It's embarrassing."

"How come? Have you never bought yourself a little something to please your partner?" The honey blonde stopped right in her tracks and blinked at her friend in disbelief. "You have to be kidding me."

"It's not what I said. I... I mean..." Jane ran a hand through her hair. She felt embarrassed. Why did they have to talk about something as personal as lingerie? She didn't like it. "You're single, as far as I know. So I don't see why you're talking about buying a bra to please a partner."

They resumed their walk up the street, in silence. Arms crossed on her chest, Maura let a bitter – too pale – smile light up her lips.

"Maybe one day it will please someone. It doesn't have to be immediate... Life is about being patient and not rush into things." Her whisper – carried by the intensity of years of silence over her feelings – embraced her of an odd sensation. She shrugged. "Besides, it makes me feel pretty."

They reached the movie theater and stopped to wait in line to buy their tickets. Staring straight there in front of her, Jane nodded to nobody but herself.

"You don't need a hundred bras to be pretty, Maura. You already are, naturally."

The compliment went straight to Maura's heart to warm it up effectively. Proud - immensely touched - she turned her face around to look at Jane before swallowing back another wave of tears. Happy ones, though. Her bitterness had just vanished.

Feeling her friend's gaze on her, the brunette wrinkled her nose and finally looked at Maura.

"What?"

The medical examiner smiled and shook her head.

"Nothing."