Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews; I know the burn is really slow, so I promise to make it speed up a bit very soon.
December, 10th:
I refuse to believe that life is hard. Perhaps I am only lying to myself but – deep inside – I think it is actually harsh. The nuance is paramount. Our days are made of beautiful surprises and terrible – burning – disappointments but in the end, there should always be hope. For something better, a bit brighter. It is only important that we keep in mind – all along – that it won't turn into a fairytale of some sort. It isn't how it is supposed to be.
On several occasions, I thought that I was going to lose Jane. Injuries, critical situations. Choices over her romantic life that could have brought us apart. It weakened me every single time before a glimmer of hope made me look straight ahead again. Chin up, as we say. Then an incredible – very odd – strength passed underneath my skin.
On the moment, time seems to get suspended. I lose all my references and focus on the thin link that keeps me connected to Jane. I saw her get shot and stabbed. I saw her life starting to leave her own body.
There is nothing more frightening than looking – disarmed – at the person you love slowly let death take her away.
It is the risk, though. Danger is part of her job, some situations can't be avoided. But still... At times I wish we went away – together – and forget all the rest. We would go far from Boston and resign.
I want to protect her because I couldn't afford to see her die. And this is my biggest fear; way above incomprehensible – spontaneous – kisses and untold feelings. What will happen when one of us gets to pass away? Would she be able to go on without me? I have some doubts about it. I really do.
As for me, I know for a fact that I would let go of everything.
I am not afraid of committing suicide; not if Jane has gone away. My life makes no sense if she isn't around. It would only be a patchwork of pain, of silent lies if I stuck to a semblance of life.
But I shouldn't be thinking about that. No. She is healthy, so am I. She isn't in love with me but what we have – right now – is the most beautiful scheme for an unbelievable story. I enjoy every moment – every single one – and this is all I care about, in the end. There is nobody else coming in between us. It is just us. The two of us.
The way it should be.
She even called me 'my Maura', yesterday. We were at the cafe after Tristan and Isolde and all of a sudden, she said it. It probably has very little meaning to her but it warmed up my heart and gave me the strength I needed right on the moment. She has a way to soften my days without knowing it. Jane is my magician, my best remedy.
So how could I keep on living if she happened to abandon me?
4pm
"No! Joe... Don't touch this." Jane rushed to the teenager boy and grabbed the file he had picked up on a desk. She shook her head angrily. "This isn't a movie set. All these things are real and you are not supposed to touch any. It's private property. Okay?"
The boy rolled his eyes but raised his hands up in the air to let her understand that he had got it. She didn't need to lecture him any longer. Reassured and trying to sound nicer, Jane nodded at him, cast a brief glance at the whole group.
What an idea Maura had had to offer the orphans a visit of the BPD, especially when she was not in the building herself. Okay, her absence resulted from a last-minute change of schedule but still. Jane was now dealing alone with it and she had no idea what to show them. The only good point is that it allowed her to take a break from paperwork.
"So this room is called..."
"Can we see the morgue?"
Jane frowned at Amelia. If the BPD wasn't a place for adolescents, the morgue was even less one. And Maura wasn't there. Shaking her head, the brunette repressed a yawn then plunged her hands in the pockets of her pants.
"I'm afraid we can't. The Chief Medical Examiner isn't there and – let's face it – it's not the MoMa."Jane laughed but nobody followed her joke. She sighed. "It's too creepy. And you can't walk in like that. Everyone isn't admitted."
Grace crossed her arms against her chest and pouted.
"But we want to see where Maura works! C'mon, at least her office. There's no dead body, there... I am sure that you can come in any time you want. You two are very close."
Embarrassed before the way the teenager had insisted on the adverb of quantity, Jane ran a hand through her hair and looked around for help. She didn't want to lie to the teens and what Grace had said was true.
Yet she didn't like much the idea.
"I don't know..."
"Rizzoli! Volunteering at work, today, I see!" Couple of files in hand, Cavanaugh passed the door of his office and nodded politely at the small crowd gathered in the open space. "You and Dr. Isles will be working on Saturday night, right?"
Jane nodded, not really paying attention to what her boss was saying.
"The senator just called. Looks like he'll pay us a little visit around 8pm by then. Make sure to be wearing your nicest smile." Cavanaugh turned around after waving at the teenagers and walked out the room.
"You work with the senator?"
Jane snorted and shrugged at David, one of the kids who had asked her such question. She made a face, repressed the desire to sound too harsh.
"For. I work for him, let's be honest here."
"So... Can we go and see Maura's office, now? It won't be long but we surely want to have a look at it. It's not like we can see the Chief Medical Examiner's office every day."
Annoyed before Amelia's urging but not wanting to disappoint children whose life was honestly not so easy, Jane finally nodded and walked with the group towards the elevator. A dozen of people. It could be a quick visit.
"Okay but don't touch anything, there. Maura would have a nervous breakdown if she found one of her pens on the right of her phone instead of it being on the left."
The group went down to the morgue in a relative silence.
The Italian waved at Maura's administrative assistant as they passed by her desk before stopping in front of her friend's office. She opened the door – stepped in – and let everyone follow her inside.
And then she froze.
An enormous bouquet of red roses had been put on the desk; a white envelope remaining unopened. She cleared her throat nervously – hoped that her blushing would pass unnoticed – and looked down at her feet; feeling the sudden urge to run away. Who had sent flowers to Maura? The honey blonde only bought white lilies for herself. She would have never gone for roses.
Of course, the flowers didn't pass unnoticed. Grace raised an eyebrow at them and smirked before approaching the desk.
"I see that Dr. Isles has some fans..."
"Yeah well..." Embarrassed – hurt, as ridiculous as this could be – Jane took a deep breath, stared at the bouquet then swallowed hard. She clenched her fists. "She happens to have a life outside of this office, you know."
Her own words hit the air with all the harshness of reality. They stabbed her like a multitude of tiny pieces of glass; running through her heart, cutting her breath.
Who had sent Maura flowers? Had she met someone? If so then Jane hadn't been told. Not that she liked it when the scientist let her know but at least it meant that she trusted her. This time, she hadn't said the slightest thing. And it hurt. It hurt like crazy.
"Are we done?" Her hoarse voice resounded sharply through the room. She turned around and cast a glance at the group that had scattered in the office to observe books and African masks. "Let's go, now."
"Do you know when she comes back?" Amelia smiled peacefully at Jane and tilted her head on a side. She looked oddly amused, curious.
Jane shook her head and bit the inside of her cheeks. Anger was boiling in her lower stomach. She felt ridiculous. Her reaction was childish. Why did she have to be so jealous? She didn't even know the context of such bouquet. Perhaps it was nothing. It could even come from Constance.
She looked at the white envelope and blinked. Her fingers burnt for her not being allowed to just go and open it. To understand, to read whatever message was on it.
What would happen, then? What would she do if it turned out to be some romantic missive? It was none of her business. Maura had her life and it was fair enough.
"No. Maybe you didn't realize it but she and I aren't married. We're not constantly together. She can do what she wants, when she wants."
And obviously, that was what Maura was exactly doing.
Pushing everyone outside a bit hastily, Jane slammed the door closed and – teeth clenched – walked down the corridor towards the elevator.
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. If it hadn't been for the teenagers following her right now, she would have burst into tears.