Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews, they are really appreciated.

December, 13th:

Wake up, Jane. Your life doesn't make sense. You spend your days longing for a moment that will only happen in your head – that you're sure of – but suddenly it makes it to reality and you have no idea what to do anymore.

Wake up, Jane. And face facts. Assume them. Don't run away because you're scared. Besides, there must be an explanation somewhere. Perhaps she simply lost her mind. Yes, it has to be that. Where is she, now? Where is Maura? Probably regretting that sudden gesture of affection she showed. It wasn't supposed to happen. She isn't in love with you. Don't forget this detail because it's the only thing that keeps you somewhat sane.

Yet why? Why did she do that? You didn't flirt with her, you didn't give her any sort of indication that would let her think that she could do what she did. And look at you... Not even able to properly say it. It is too hard, isn't it? Too hard to put words on her action. Why? It won't take it away. It won't delete it. This is impossible and you know it.

Maybe there is an ounce of disappointment running now through your veins, settling in your rather confused head because you hadn't imagined – even in your craziest scenarios – that it would turn this way. You had beautiful stories in mind; the sweetest schemes inhabiting your heart. Maura did not go for that. Instead, her gesture turned out to be bare and abrupt. Delicate in its own way but you cannot say that it owns the grace of your dreams if only because you aren't the one who made the first step.

You aren't the one who started it.

That bruises your ego, doesn't it? As much as it has to mean nothing, you wish you had been the one at the head of it instead of receiving. Why? Because you cannot let go, even with her. Loosing the grip – if only a bit – is a torture for you. Assume it. Say it. Recognize it.

But you would have never made the slightest move. You are too coward for that. All you know to do is run away and lie to yourself while going from a senseless relationship to another. Do you really think that you are fooling anyone? It won't work that way. Never. Now if only she could explain her act...

You should have called her. You should have driven to her place. You should have run after her. So many possibilities were there – waiting for nobody but you – and yet you didn't choose any. You let the time pass by, the hours fly away.

You retreated to your apartment and spent the night curled against yourself, in bed. Hoping that it was just a nightmare. You did enjoy it but you know that you shouldn't because it will never be the same anymore. It is too late. All the things you have lived – the experiences you have been through – now belong to a past that has no chance to be reached again.

Something got broken, yesterday.

And you didn't try to save from it what used to have so much importance to your eyes. You lost her. By your silence, you drew a line under Maura.

7.30pm

"Where. Is. She.?" Between clenched teeth, Lieutenant Cavanaugh hissed as discreetly as possible at Jane before turning around to offer his biggest apologetic smile to the senator. "Dr. Isles should be here within a minute, now. Would you like a cup of coffee in the meantime?"

Jane looked down at her feet. She hadn't seen the honey blonde since what had happened on the ice rink the day before. She hadn't looked for her either, to be honest. As a matter of fact, she was just terrified at the perspective of facing her again. Luckily, she hadn't been called on any crime scene and had been able to spend the whole day away from Maura.

Maura who still had to appear.

She was alive, though. As Jane had showed up at The Home For Little Wanderers around 4pm, she had learned that Maura had come to spend some time with the children in the morning instead. Just a subtle way to avoid each other. Somewhat, it had made her feel relieved.

Relieved but ashamed.

She was about to reply to Cavanaugh when he grabbed her by the elbow to push her aside for some improvised – desperate – conversation.

"Where is she? She doesn't answer her phone, her assistant hasn't seen her since lunch time yet she knows that the senator was coming, today. I thought she was more professional than that."

Jane scoffed – cast a quick glance at the politician who was in full talk with Korsak – and rolled her eyes before raising a menacing index finger. To her boss. And so what? She had had enough for the day. For the whole year, actually.

"Maura and I aren't married so you'd better stop with the 'where is she' because I have no fucking idea." Her sharp tone didn't leave much room to imagination yet remembering that she owed him some respect, she swallowed hard; took a deep breath to calm herself. "I haven't seen her since last night. I don't know where she is. She happens to have her life, without me."

The last remark took the lieutenant aback. Twisting his hands nervously – barely hiding the shade of pink that had crept up his cheeks - he cleared his voice then nodded.

"Of course. It's just that... You're used to spending some time together so I had assumed that maybe you had an idea why she wasn't..."

"Good evening, everyone. Please accept my apologies for being a bit late but the hospital called me for a last-minute advice on a patient and I had to spend more time than expected there. Senator..."

Jane held her breath subconsciously as she watched Maura enter the room and walk to the politician to shake his hand politely. The smile that was playing on her lips echoed a perfect serenity. She did not seem bothered by the situation, by the Italian standing so close to her. Only a flicker in her eyes as she cast a glance at Jane betrayed a slight anxiety.

One that passed unnoticed to everybody; the brunette included.

Nodding to nobody but herself, Maura put her briefcase on a desk nearby and unbuttoned her coat.

Snow drops were melting in her hair, shining among the blond curls like icy diamonds: fragile ones. Jane bit the inside of her cheeks. The scientist had never looked so beautiful to her eyes.

...

Jo Friday welcomed her happily as she passed the door of her apartment around 10pm but it didn't change anything to the immense sadness – bottomless emptiness – that Jane was feeling.

She had sworn to herself that she would talk to Maura but the honey blonde had left the BPD way before Cavanaugh would let her go and then she had lost any kind of courage to do so.

Now it was too late. Again.

She squatted down to pet the dog but ended up sitting on the floor; crashing against the door. There was an odd atmosphere surrounding her right now. The taste of defeat, of missed opportunities and ruined chances. Her dark eyes scanned the room and came to face nothing but the loneliness of her very own life. She burst into tears. Silently. Their heat made her shiver and she winced – in pain – as they reached her lips; their taste spreading on her tongue almost insidiously.

It hurt. A lot. Why had it had to start in the first place? Why had she had to develop feelings for her friend? It was wrong. For years she had convinced herself that she could handle it but the last event was proving her that she had been wrong all along. Perhaps she should have taken her distance right away; as soon as she had understood that Maura would always mean a lot more than anyone could understand. Perhaps she hadn't taken the right decisions regarding their relation.

Perhaps she was the one to blame.

"C'mere... Please." With a shaking voice, she grabbed her dog and made her sit on her lap but her sob seemed to worry Jo Friday who looked up and tilted her head on a side. "It's okay, Jo. It's just... It's just life."

A bit reluctantly but too cold, she stood up – Jo Friday in her arms – and walked to the couch to sit there. She grabbed the remote control and turned the television on. Judy Garland appeared, in black and white. An animated image of another time. A rendition that everyone knew but that hurt Jane a lot more than it usually did.

Someday soon, we all will be together

If the fate allows

Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow

So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

The vibrations of her phone in her pocket took her out of her reverie. She grabbed the item – raised an eyebrow at the unknown number – and opened the text message.

Drinks at 7pm tomorrow and don't even think you can say no

Matt

Jane bit her lower lip. She had almost forgotten him. She stared – still – at the screen of the cell for a long time; pondering a thousand things, trying to ignore the pain that was weighing on her heart.

She sighed, put the item down on the coffee table. Within a few stride, she reached the fridge to go and grab a bottle of beer. She opened it and took a long sip then turned around. She frowned at the cell phone, seemed to hesitate.

Sighing away her frustration, she walked back to the device and typed a message before sending it. The background picture appeared, cruelly. The last photo she had taken with Maura, the evening she had helped her choose a Christmas tree. They had looked so happy.

Way too unaware of what was coming.