A/N: The last bit of this chapter will be a Sirius POV and the same goes for the next few chapters. That way we can see how fucking oblivious and confused he is. Hope you like this chapter :)
"James, no, you cannot do this to me."
"You can survive two weeks, drama queen. The full moon won't even be until after the break so the holidays will be okay."
The full moon was a few days ago, and this time, all of them were there to help me out. Although, the morning after, I tried not to dwell on the fact that when I woke up, James was the one patching me up and Sirius was just standing by, instructing him, before leaving earlier than usual.
"With him? James, he can barely even look me in the eye."
"Moony, you'll be okay."
"Peter and Frank are going home for the holidays too. We'll be alone in the dorm."
"Good, then you two will be able to quit acting like fucking idiots," James retorts. He rolls his eyes as he stuffs more clothes into the rucksack he made me cast an Undetectable Extension Charm on.
"It's not exactly an easy problem to fix, James," I whine, crossing my arms.
"Well, he won't even talk to me so I wouldn't know," he says bitterly.
Which is true. Sirius hasn't been talking to James about it, and they usually tell each other everything. That's how I know that things are bad, when it even gets between the inseparable two.
Although they still act the same, joking and talking and everything, and they are still great with each other, I can see how Sirius is blocking James off from the more personal aspects in his head. Which is more than strange, because usually, they can practically read each other's minds. In fact, it still surprises me that James hasn't spilled my secret to him yet.
"How can he when he's too preoccupied with The Maggot?"
James shoots me a chiding look as he pulls on a red hoodie. "It's Margaret."
I shrug his reprimand off. "What am I going to do for two weeks? Just avoid the only other person in my room?"
"Well, that's what you guys have been good at lately, so why not?" he suggests sarcastically, as he pick his rucksack up from his bed and swings it over his shoulder.
Not replying, I just look at him miserably, letting my hands fall to my sides.
He glances at me, and his look of irritation fades. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just... Just a bit off my rocker lately. I'm not handling this well either. And with the game against Slytherin after break..."
"I'm sorry..." I mumble. "This is all my fault, I –"
"No, really don't apologize," James says at once. "My folks really just want me home and I've been kind of off their radar for a while, so I guess that's why. I'll be in touch if you need me."
"Yeah, okay," I agree in defeat.
He walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "You guys will be fine, Moony. Trust me on this one."
I tilt my head in doubt. "You seem so sure."
He shrugs. "My parents invited Sirius over for the holidays too. He declined. And The Maggot –"
I smirk and he cuts himself off, glaring at me.
"Great, now you've got me saying it. Anyway," he continues, recovering, "Margaret is going home too, right? So he must have had a reason to stay, and my guess is that it's you. I'm sure he might want to patch things up, Moony. Or at least, ease things a bit."
I sigh. "Okay, I'll bear with the torture you've left me with."
"So dramatic. Merlin, how do people not see that you're gay?"
Chuckling, I swat his arm. "Just go, you prat. You're gonna miss the train."
"Yeah, yeah." He pulls me into a one-armed hug. "You take care of the idiot for me, okay?"
I smile. "Of course."
We pull away and he ruffles my hair, making it look as messy as his.
He makes his way out of the room, before stopping and turning around. "Oh, I almost forgot" he mutters, reaching into the pocket of his jeans.
My eyes widen as he hands me the torn photograph that confirmed my secret to Lily.
"Where'd you get this?"
"You left your Sirius box open last –"
"You know about that?" I ask grimly, rubbing my temples.
He grins. "Kind of found it in the middle of last year when I was looking for the Charms notes you hid to stop me from copying off you."
I groan. I should really change the password.
"Anyway," he continues, "as I was saying, you left it open last week on your bed, so I sealed it shut before anyone found it, and shoved it under your bed. Then I found that picture, but before I could take out the Magnificent Sirius Black Box again –" he ignores my scowl at his term for it – "Peter came in, so I kind of just stuffed it into my pocket."
I shoot him a grateful smile before looking down at the photo in my hand.
"That picture wasn't there when I found the box last year, though. I remember taking that shot after I actually figured out how to use the bloody thing... I didn't know you still had it," James says, clutching the straps of his rucksack.
"Yeah, well..."
The picture was taken from the muggle camera James had given Sirius for his birthday three years ago, which is when Sirius' muggle obsession started.
The photo – or at least the remaining half of it – shows Sirius at the beginning of our fifth year. He has his black AC/DC shirt on, a sleek leather jacket, jeans that fit him way too well, and a pair of worn out Chuck Taylors. On the dormitory floor, leaning against his trunk with his legs outstretched in front of him. He is laughing, looking absolutely gorgeous. The smile caught in the image is genuine and natural, his squinting eyes gleaming and catching the light of the flash. His dimples look prominent and his hand is clutched at his stomach, as if trying to contain his laughter before it bursts him.
But I focus on the jagged end of the picture, where Sirius' outstretched arm should extend instead of being cut off from the shoulder like it shows now. The other half of this photo would show that arm slung around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him. Next to him, rolling my eyes, I was trying not to lose myself in the fact that his arm was around me and that he looked undeniably gorgeous. He and James were teasing me about my new prefect badge, the one that James forced me to wear for the picture.
Sirius had this picture developed after The Prank and attached it to one of his Honeydukes packages when he was trying to apologize the morning after. I threw the package aside and ripped the picture in half without even reading the apology note written on the back. (I still don't know what it says because I only have one half of the picture – leaving the rest of the message incomplete.) I threw the halves onto the floor along with the package and screamed at him. He started retaliating, and just before it got physical – our fists clenched and our eyes violent – James managed to drag Sirius away from me.
Later that night, while everyone was asleep, I found the Sirius half of the picture amid all the junk on the floor on the way to the bathroom.
I've kept it ever since.
"Moony?" James snaps me out my thoughts. "I'm gonna get going, okay? Peter's already waiting for me down at the station."
"Yeah, okay, have a safe trip."
"Safe trips aren't fun, exactly," James says in feigned consideration, smirking.
"Shut up and leave, Prongs," I mutter playfully, nudging him towards the door.
He laughs. "Bye Moony, have a Merry Christmas!" he calls over his shoulder as he leaves the room.
I'll try.
It's been a few hours since James left and I've been spending all that time in the library, scanning through more biographies, despite my growing boredom with them. I think I've read every single one.
I shut the Rowena Ravenclaw's biography with a heavy sigh. Maybe I can try out the History section again.
Or maybe I can stop making excuses for not being in my dorm just to avoid Sirius.
I shake my head, as if it can ward off the thoughts. But they keep nagging at me.
Running into Lily on the way here, she said that she saw Sirius on his way to Gryffindor Tower, which gave me more reason to escape to the library after getting rid of her and her whining for me to go follow him.
Sirius and I haven't been alone for so long, and the fact that that might change in the near future is terrifying. We can barely exchange words in public. How much worse could it get when there aren't any other people to preoccupy ourselves with for the whole break? I just want to distance myself from him as much as possible and avoid any trace of contact with him.
But then that would be giving up. That would mean admitting defeat. That would mean no more Sirius.
Before my doubts drag me back down to the chair again, I stand up and walk out of the library. I don't care if I won't be greeted by anything but awkward silence, at least I can say that I'm facing whatever the universe has to throw at me.
Granted, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with what it throws at me.
I walk into the dorm room and there he is, Sirius on his bed, flipping through the photography book I gave him for his birthday. Lost for words, I just walk over, silently as I can, to my bed and lie down.
Just noticing me, he peers over the book, and sits up straight and formal. "Hey there."
It's only 11:30 in the morning and he has already said two words to me. Maybe that's progress.
Sitting up as well, I nod at him. "Hey…" I trail off. That's all I can manage for now.
I reach over to the foot of my bed, where a pile of paperbacks are, and pick up a book. It's a compilation of Shakespearean plays I've read already, but it doesn't matter. I just need something to do while I'm in here.
Thumbing through the pages of Merchant of Venice, trying my best to engross myself in Shylock's monologue, my eyes keep flickering across the room to him and I feel my heartbeat outdo itself.
He's lying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows. Looking down, his eyes glaze over the glossy pages showcasing different motorcycle models. I don't understand how grey eyes can light up so bright like that, but that's exactly what Sirius' gaze shows. One corner of his mouth is upturned into a crooked smile and he occasionally runs a hand through his inky locks. He's wearing his blue hoodie again, with his sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and worn out jeans. His shivering feet are clothed with emerald Slytherin socks that Regulus gave him three years ago to piss him off. I overheard him telling James, while they were both too drunk to notice I was still in the room, that he just wears them when he misses his little brother. Remembering that Regulus is probably on the train right now on his way home, a place in a completely different realm from Sirius' world. I fight the urge to go over to his bed and give him a hug.
Sirius and Regulus don't spend the holidays together – and for good reason. Ever since Sirius left home, their parents have been determined to keep Regulus away from the "disgusting influence" of his older brother whenever they had the chance. Sirius' departure drove the Blacks to make sure the same would not happen to the younger heir, forcing more pureblood mania onto the poor boy. The new pressure being held against him and the fear of his family's wrath made Regulus withdraw himself from Sirius' life more and more as the months passed.
The two siblings used to be very close. Inseparable, actually. Regulus was the only person Sirius would ditch us three for. They used to spend Christmas day together, protected each other, talked whenever they had a chance and I even remember Sirius attempting to sneak Regulus out with him during our first Hogsmeade visit in our third year, earning them their first detention together.
Now, although they are still slightly friendly, they are rarely together. The most you might get in one week is them politely nodding towards each other or little insignificant bickering. Regulus, however, does spend Sirius' birthday morning with him. I'm sure that was Sirius' favourite birthday gift (even if he insists that his favourite was the pile of muggle magazines that displayed a myriad of girls in various states of undress in compromising positions from James).
Realizing that I'm staring at him worriedly, I tear my gaze away. It's too late though, as his head was already up.
"Yeah?"
"Uh… um, nothing. I was just, uh… I was just wondering if… If you knew where James left the map?" I compromise, stammering.
"Oh," he says, doing his best to ignore the panic in my voice. "Yeah, I think he left it under his mattress."
I force a grateful smile, even if at the moment, I can't care less where the map is. "Oh, okay. Thanks."
He matches me with a strained smile of his own. "Yeah, no problem," he says, the tone in his voice faltering.
Our eye contact lingers longer than what's comfortable, and we duck our heads to return to our respective books once more.
I cringe at the awkward tension drowning us.
SIRIUS POV
The first thing I think of as I open my eyes is the way the room smells overwhelmingly like chocolate and winter. The second is me wondering how much willpower it will take for me to get out of this bloody bed to steal James's blanket because it's way too cold to go back to sleep.
I try to blink away the sleepiness as I rub my eyes and sit up when the third thought hits me.
It's Christmas.
Yawning, I swing myself off bed and pull my blankets around my shoulders, attempting to survive the temperature. I'm only dressed in a shirt and cotton trousers. My feet are shivering despite my socks. I look down at them, feeling my heart clench. I sigh heavily, trying to recover from the bleak longing thoughts about my brother. My dampened spirits rise a bit, however, when I see the various parcels and wrapped boxes around and on my trunk. Still clutching my sheets around me, I kneel next to the presents, grinning. Grabbing one of them, I see a note attached.
Siri,
Hey gorgeous, I'm missing you so much. The cold really is intolerable when you're not here to warm me up (if you know what I mean). I hope you're having a great time over there at Hogwarts and that you take care. Being an utter failure as a girl, I am absolutely dreadful at picking out presents, so I went for the obvious. I mean, everyone likes sweets, right? There's another present in the package too, which I'm sure you'll love even more. Merry Christmas!
Yours,
Maggie
I smile at her note, and set it down next to me as I open her gift. Surely enough, there is a hefty bag of Honeydukes sweets. But there are also some sort of balled up material underneath it. Taking it out, I hold it in front of me and it unfolds.
Chuckling, I admire her nerve.
The material is a blue sweatshirt, with an eagle on it. And it reads, in bold bronze lettering, GO RAVENCLAW.
Another note is peeking out of the neckline and I read it.
Maybe you wearing this to the next match will be our good luck charm and I won't lose to your bloody best friend again?
Laughing, I shake my head and pull the sweater on. But as soon as I do, the bathroom door opens and Remus is in the doorway.
He's in a jumper a size too big for him and his red pajamas – the one with cartoon wolf patterns around the hems. I bought it immediately after seeing it in a muggle store without hesitation and gave it to him earlier this year. He got mad at me for about a week… Granted, I shouldn't have given it to him on the week of the full moon. But now, I know it's his favorite pair, despite his denial. He can't go a week without wearing it to bed for at least a couple nights.
I don't know if it's the sight of him in those pajamas again or just the festive atmosphere that's getting to me but for the first time in a long time, I greet him with ease. "Merry Christmas, Moony! Been up long?"
His eyebrows dip together as he stares at me a bit. I realize that I haven't called him that in over a month. But he recovers, a smile – a genuine one – growing on his delighted face. "Merry Christmas. No, just got up a few minutes ago. Haven't even gotten around to opening my presents," he adds, gesturing to his own pile across the room.
"I expected you to dig in immediately. The dorm literally smells like chocolate because of all those packages," I grin at him.
He chuckles. "I always get months and months' worth of chocolate, like I want nothing more."
"Can you blame them, Moony?" I counter, knowing that the boy is a living miracle for still not having diabetes.
"True," he allows, closing the bathroom door behind him. His eyes then find the sweatshirt I'm wearing and I feel a sudden urge to cover it up. I don't why, but I'd rather he didn't see it.
"A gift from Maggie," I blurt out, having no idea why I feel like explaining myself. "As a joke…" I add pointlessly.
His smile falters, but he maintains it and thinks I don't notice. I do. But I can hardly understand.
"Oh, yeah… How are you guys?" he asks and I feel a weight on my shoulders again. The strained tone is back in his voice, the tone he's had all month. The one that practically screams 'I'd rather not be here'.
"We're…" I search for the right word before pathetically settling for "great… We're great. She's great, yeah."
Wow. Nothing can beat your vocabulary, Black. I feel like slapping myself.
He nods slowly. "Oh, that's good. She gone home for the holidays?"
"Yep…"
"Oh, that's …" he starts, starting to fiddle with a loose thread of his jumper. "I'm gonna go greet Lily before opening my presents."
"That's nice. Greet the girl for me, will ya?" I request, looking up at him.
He nods, giving me a weak smile.
When he leaves the room, I finally let out the breathe I didn't know I was holding.
It's gonna be a long holiday this year.