Emily's relationship with Lakhsmi falters. Paige's return to Rosewood brings both happiness and grief.
A/N: Fairly emotional chapter.
Emily and Lakhsmi were curled up together on the couch in Lakhsmi's room.
They were two weeks into their new relationship, and Emily was the happiest she had been in a long time. She would smile every time she thought of Lakhsmi, and felt alive when they were together. She would call her friends back in Rosewood and tell them how wonderful it all was, tell them she was falling in love.
They went on dates, they spent afternoons chatting away at a coffee shop, they spent evening studying together, or just eating takeaway in front of the television. Lakhsmi had told Emily the name of every elephant in her room, and introduced her to Tanjore painting, her favorite art. In return, Emily had offered to show Lakhsmi the great classic horror movies, but this was met with little enthusiasm.
Often they just talked. Emily loved Lakhsmi's stories of her family, though she had trouble keeping track of all the relatives. Lakhsmi seemed a little sad for Emily being an only child, and took some convincing that Emily was fine with it.
"So are you going home for the break?" Lakhsmi asked.
"No, there's not much for me in Rosewood," Emily replied.
"Your family maybe," Lakhsmi proposed.
"Dad's away, mom's busy with things," Emily explained.
"Surely she would still like to see her only child," Lakhsmi countered. "What about your friends?"
"We keep in touch," Emily responded bluntly.
"You really want to stay away from that town, don't you?" Lakhsmi suggested.
"Maybe," Emily replied. "What are you doing?"
"Sad news I'm afraid," Lakhsmi began. "My parents have gone back to India for some sort of family business, I thinks it's a wedding of a business partner's daughter, and I can't go because I need to catch up on my zoology assignments. So it seems you are stuck with me."
Emily looked up at Lakhsmi and smiled.
"I've had worse news," she said.
They kissed. Lakhsmi was a firm but tender kisser, and could kiss for hours.
Emily was happy. She just wanted it to stay this way, but she was starting to get a little apprehensive.
This was Emily's third relationship since arriving to college, or maybe third attempt at a relationship. The previous two had both started to go wrong at this stage, once the initial buzz died down, and Emily had already caught herself wondering if Lakhsmi really cared about her. Perhaps they had gone in too quickly.
Emily told herself it would be fine this time. She shouldn't worry about these things. She should just enjoy this moment, enjoy the kiss.
Paige was surprised to see so many people at the airport to greet her. Her parents she had expected, but Chelsea, Brian and Caitlin were there as well.
It was sweet, but she was tired. There were hugs all round, but she wasn't very conversational.
Still, she finally felt ready to face Rosewood again.
At the end of her lap, Emily looked up.
Sure enough, there was Lakhsmi, watching her avidly and now breaking into applause when she noticed Emily looking at her.
Emily pulled herself out of the pool, grabbed her towel and walked over, drying herself as she did.
"Most swimmers don't get a cheering audience when they're just swimming laps," Emily noted.
"Well, there you go," Lakhsmi replied. "You will have an advantage."
Emily quickly kissed Lakhsmi.
"Please don't be offended if I say you smell much sweeter when you haven't just been immersing yourself in chlorine," Lakhsmi observed.
"I'm sorry, I don't even notice it anymore," Emily said, suddenly nervous.
"It's OK, Emily, I'm only joking," Lakhsmi assured her. "I would put up with the smell of a thousand chlorine baths to kiss you."
Emily knew Lakhsmi wasn't really complaining, but she had spent so long dating another swimmer she had forgotten that not everyone is used to the smell of a swimming pool.
"I better go have my shower," Emily said.
Paige's first couple of days back in town were filled with visits to family and friends. Her parents were so happy to see her again she felt bad when she had to do something else.
And of course her friends wanted as much of her time as they could. She spent Tuesday night at Caitlin's apartment, seeing her new artworks and listening to her philosophical interpretations of them. To Paige they looked like ducks. Very good ducks, but ducks none the less. Apparently it was all symbolic though.
The four of them drank and talked late into the night. It was Brian that finally raised the subject.
"So when are you seeing Hanna and the others?" he asked.
"Tomorrow night," Paige answered.
"Was it OK that I told Hanna?" Chelsea asked nervously. "I wasn't sure."
"It's fine," Paige replied. "Who knows, it might be great."
"What do you think it means?" Caitlin asked.
"All I know at this stage is they say they don't hate me, that I was right about Alison, and they want to say sorry," Paige responded.
"It took them that long to work it out?" Brian said, somewhat incredulously.
"Yeah, well, Ali was pretty good at conning people if you didn't see through her bullshit," Paige replied, her tongue loosened by the alcohol.
"But still, why did they ever even like her?" Brian asked.
"Brian…" Caitlin gently chided him.
Paige just shrugged her shoulders.
"Because she was charming and charismatic," Paige replied. "When she turned it on she could probably get people to jump off a cliff if she wanted to."
"The others aren't like that, though," Brian countered, still obviously unable to understand their bond to her.
"You guys put up with my shit for years," Paige pointed out.
"That's hardly the same," Caitlin responded. "You were just angry. She was cruel."
"Yeah, she was cruel, but she was also needy in her own way," Paige explained. "Even someone like Emily can fall for that."
"Speaking of Emily…" Brian began.
"We weren't," Caitlin interrupted.
"It's OK guys," Paige assured them. "She's not such a sensitive topic now. And the answer is, I don't know, but I might find out tomorrow night."
"Are you still hoping?" Chelsea asked quietly.
"Yes," Paige replied. "I am. I know I should have given up long ago, but I've come this far, so I'm going to see. But I promised Aisha that if it's not going to happen this time then I'm moving on, and I'm scared of Aisha so I have to do it."
It was happening again. It seemed so predictable Emily could write it in her calendar.
Emily and Lakhsmi were at the coffee shop, and Emily knew she should just be enjoying her girlfriend's company. She wasn't though, and all it had taken was a simple lull in the conversation. Emily was worrying that Lakhsmi would get bored, but the more she tried to think of something interesting to talk about, the more her mind went blank.
She started to fret. She felt tense and awkward, and she was sure Lakhsmi was picking up on this. She looked across at Lakhsmi, who just smiled back, oblivious to the drama going on in Emily's head.
Emily felt so stupid.
Paige had planned a quiet afternoon, and was still recovering a little from the night before, when her father got a call from the nursing home where her grandmother was staying. Paige became worried as soon as she saw the look on his face.
Once he had hung up he just said she was sick.
"She might be OK," he said. Paige knew what that meant.
They got into the car and headed out to see her. On the way, Paige texted Hanna saying she might be late and why. Hanna texted back with her best wishes.
Most of the trip, however, Paige's mind was blank. They had always known this was a possibility given her grandmother's age and the state of her health, but it still seemed so sudden.
When they arrived her grandmother was asleep. She looked more unconscious than asleep to Paige, but it didn't really matter. She was lying on her back, her eyes closed and breathing noisily through her mouth. She looked more gaunt than she had, even when Paige last saw her just over two months ago.
She was still in her room, in her own bed, and one of the carers was telling the family that they had no plans to move her, as there was little that could be done. Her bowels were only sometimes working, she was having problems with her kidneys, and now she had a lung infection. There was also the risk of another stroke. Her body was shutting down.
The main thing was that she wasn't in pain.
Paige sat next to the bed for a while. She carefully held her grandmother's hand, like a fragile and delicate piece of glasswork. Her parents and the carer left the room to discuss the details of her care, leaving only Paige and her grandmother in the room.
Paige sat for a while longer, letting old memories come back to her. She found herself smiling.
"Thanks, Granma," Paige whispered. "Thanks for standing up for me with dad. Thanks for letting me walk Scruffy, and for all the chocolate cake. Thanks for being there for me, thanks for everything.
It felt so different to how Paige had expected it.
She was still emotional after visiting her grandmother, and they did not arrive back in Rosewood until after 9pm. Her parents dropped her off at Spencer's house.
Paige could see the sincerity in their faces as soon as she walked through the door. Spencer stepped forward and hugged her, then Hanna, then Aria.
"How's your Granma?" Hanna asked.
"She's holding on," Paige replied. "But it's only a matter of days. She probably won't wake up before then."
"We can do this another time if you like," Aria suggested.
"Yeah, if you just want to go home that's fine," Spencer added.
"No, please," Paige responded. "I've been looking forward to this. You know, to seeing you guys again."
"Would you like a drink?" Spencer asked.
"Just water thanks," Paige replied.
"Do you need any food?" Hanna asked. "Spencer has these chewy penut butter bars. They're healthy but they actually taste good."
"No thanks," Paige replied.
Soon they were all sitting in the Hastings living room. It had been such a long time for Paige.
"Paige, we just wanted to say we're sorry," Aria began.
"Thank you," Paige responded. "But I haven't been holding any grudges. You guys did what you thought was right, based on what you knew at the time. Just like I did."
"Except that you were right and we were wrong," Spencer pointed out.
"See, Paige," Hanna said enthusiastically. "I told you it would be worth it."
"Hanna!" said Aria and Spencer in unison. Hanna just looked a little sheepish.
"Guys, I know Alison could fool anyone," Paige said.
"You saw through it," Spencer replied.
"She wasn't trying to fool me," Paige countered. "She had no need to. It worked fine for her if I didn't trust her and you did. That's the trap I fell into."
"In any case, we should have listened to you," Spencer said.
"And I should have been more level headed," Paige responded. "I wanted to protect Emily, but I didn't think it through well enough. We were all in impossible situation. But thank you, again."
"You really could have made more of that," Hanna suggested. "Spencer said she was wrong."
"I said we were wrong," Spencer corrected her.
"Guys," Aria interjected.
"Um, there's just a couple of things I wanted to ask," Paige said. "I suppose the first is, why now?"
"We should have done this a long time ago," Aria answered. "But we weren't sure if we would be just dragging you back when you'd moved on."
"And we wanted to pick a time when Emily was available…" Hanna added.
"Hanna!" Spencer interrupted, but to no avail.
"…I mean, like, available available," Hanna continued. "But then a few days after I called you she goes and gets a girlfriend."
Aria and Spencer glared at her.
"What?" protested Hanna. "Why beat around the bush?"
"I was actually going to ask about Em," Paige said. "But Hanna's kind of answered one question."
"See!" Hanna exclaimed.
"We're very sorry about Hanna," Spencer said. "Paige, Emily feels the same way we do about all this. She just wasn't sure if you'd want to talk to her after what happened."
"I would," Paige confirmed.
"Do you still have her number?" Aria asked. 'I can give it to you if you like."
"She's still got Emily's number," Hanna said.
Paige just nodded. Hanna knew her too well.
Emily's phone rang again, but she didn't answer. She just wanted silence now.
She couldn't work out how this had happened in just a few days. They hadn't argued, and Emily couldn't point to anything that had gone wrong, yet she was now almost hiding from Lakhsmi.
Why?
She still cared about Lakhsmi, and felt awful knowing what she was doing to this poor girl. If Emily was confused Lakhsmi must be even more so. But somehow the relationship just felt wrong. This seemed such an absurd thought, when she had been happy just a week ago, but Emily couldn't get it out of her head. The relationship felt wrong.
Emily questioned what she wanted. Everything had been going fine, but somehow felt flat, lacking intensity. Did this mean she didn't care?
She no longer knew if she was doing the right thing.
Paige decided to go for a walk. She wanted to get out of the house, and just wander the streets of Rosewood again. She never thought she would be nostalgic for this place, but the last few days had changed her perspective completely.
It was good to see her family, her friends, and Emily's friends. While she hadn't lied about not holding grudges, she did feel a weight off her shoulders now that things had been mended with Hanna, Spencer and Aria.
Her relief was mixed with sadness though. She knew that sometime, likely in the next few days, she would be losing her grandmother. She had been back two more times. It gave Paige some satisfaction that she had been able to talk to her again, but there was nothing more she could do. She was due to fly back the next day, but she had enquired about changing the date on her ticket, as she couldn't leave town now.
And then there was Emily. Paige was genuinely excited about being able to talk to her again, but frustrated to have come so close yet missed out. Aisha was right, it was time to move on. Paige just hoped Emily's new girlfriend was making her happy. Emily deserved that.
As she was approaching the centre of town a car tooted it's horn as it drove past. Paige was startled, and didn't recognize the car, which was now pulling over on the side of the road.
In a moment the driver got out and waved to her.
It was Caleb.
Paige ran forward and gave him a hug.
"I heard you were back in town," Caleb said. "This is fantastic."
"Wow, it's so good to see you again," Paige replied.
"Hanna said you had a good talk the other night," Caleb said.
"We did," Paige confirmed. "It's been such a hectic week. I'm drained."
"Well in that case, I have one question for you. Halo or Call of Duty?" Caleb asked.
"Excuse me? Guitar Hero!" Paige replied.
"It's a deal," Caleb said. "Get in."
Emily's phone rang. She plucked up the courage to answer it.
'Hey," Emily answered.
"Emily…" Lakhsmi stopped for a moment. "I've been trying to call you. Are you all right?"
"I don't know," Emily replied, too exhausted to be anything but honest.
"Can I come around and see you?" Lakhsmi asked.
"I'm sorry," Emily responded. "I just need to be alone."
"Alright then, but we have to talk soon," Lakhsmi pleaded. "I'm getting worried."
"OK," Emily said.
They ended up playing Halo and Call of Duty as well. Paige would have loved to play every game Caleb had, the old ones and the new ones, but all they had was one afternoon. It was only when Paige saw that it was starting to get dark that they stopped.
"Thank you," Paige said. "You have no idea how much I've missed this, and missed you for that matter."
"Hey, the feeling's mutual," Caleb responded. "I just figured that after the week you've probably been having you'd like a chance to unwind."
"Well, you figured correctly," Paige told him.
Just then Paige heard her phone ring.
"Wait a minute…" she said, as she dug it out of her jacket pocket.
It was her father. She knew what this meant.
"Hey dad, is it Granma?" Paige asked.
"Yes," her father replied.
"OK, I'll be there soon," Paige said.
"Caleb, could I get a lift back to my parents?" Paige asked.
"Sure," Caleb replied, putting his arm around her shoulders as she began to cry.
It hurt Emily to see the sad look on Lakhsmi's face.
"Emily, I don't understand what is wrong," Lakhsmi said. "You seemed to be happy. I thought we had made a connection."
"We had," Emily responded. "It's… I don't know how to explain. I just don't know what I want."
"I'm beginning to feel that whatever you do want, you don't want me," Lakhsmi declared bluntly.
"No, no, it's not like that," Emily protested, but she couldn't say what it was like.
"Emily, you are allowed to feel the way you feel," Lakhsmi assured her. "If you are no longer interested, then that's that."
"I am," Emily replied, somewhat feebly.
"Emily, if I had more self-assurance, and maybe nerves of steel, I would keep trying," Lakhsmi said. "Unfortunately I don't. You can say you don't mean it this way, and I have no reason to doubt you, but every time you do this it feels like a rejection, and it is very tiring. I am tired."
"I'm sorry," Emily said. "I didn't meant to hurt you."
"I know," Lakhsmi said. "But I need to know whether our relationship can go on, and since you cannot give me a clear yes, then the answer must be no."
"I'm sorry," Emily repeated. She didn't know what else to say.
"It is what it is," Lakhsmi said. "I won't pretend that I am not disappointed, as you are a lovely girl… the kind I could…"
Lakhsmi's voice trailed off. She was crying, and Emily felt terrible.
"We both know this isn't working," Lakhsmi added.
Emily was crying too now. All she could do was nod.
Emily reached out and they fell into each other's arms, but this time only to provide a shoulder to cry on. Even as they did, Emily still couldn't work out why she couldn't just love this woman.
They hugged until the sobbing stopped.
"I feel awful," Emily whispered. "I still don't understand."
"Maybe you need to stop trying," Lakhsmi suggested. "I… I've been told before not to do this, but with you in particular I want to. Maybe now our relationship is over, we can use our time to concentrate on our friendship. I believe that could still work."
"I would like that, too," Emily agreed.
"Then as your friend, can I say that I am worried you still haven't dealt with all of the terrible experiences you have been through," Lakhsmi said. "Perhaps that is why your emotions still confuse you."
As Emily listened to Lakhsmi's words, a nagging thought came forward from the back of her mind.
"I haven't told you everything," Emily said.
Lakhsmi looked at her with concern.
"If there is more you wish to tell, then I am here to listen," Lakhsmi said. "But I think now is not the time."
"Yes, you're right," Emily said. "There is more to tell though, and if it's OK I think I need to tell you."