Disclaimer- I don't own a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g, really. I swear. Also, vocab lesson. In-terror-net: Used in KP fanfics to denote an internet-like web entity that serves villains and those with villainous intent. I honestly thought it was canon until I double-checked because I've spent far too much time reading KiGo fics.
The Palace was quiet save for her footfalls as she walked the halls. She scrubbed at her eyes, trying to force herself to remain awake despite the urge to crawl back into bed. She hadn't slept well the past two days, plagued by silly nightmares she couldn't shake. She was a little surprised Hans hadn't tried checking on her given the slight disturbances her fits caused in the Palace's structure but guessed he was showing rare consideration for her well-being by staying away. At times like these, only Olaf and Marshmallow could bring her comfort, seeing as they were the only two beings on the planet she could never actually harm unintentionally. If she hadn't woken to find Olaf gone, she might've remained locked in her rooms for yet another day.
When she finally rose to greet the day, tired of lying in bed and watching the sun climb through her balcony, Marshmallow was there, curled up in his corner and brooding just as she was. It sometimes worried her how accurately he reflected her own emotions back at her; other times, it merely made her feel childish.
But the larger snowman shrugged when she asked after the smaller one, which worried her slightly. Olaf liked to go on 'quests'- from what she gathered, they were little adventures through the Palace he entertained himself with whenever Hans and Elsa were off 'trying' to take over the world- but ensured at least Marshmallow knew where he'd gone to prevent Elsa from causing an accidental blizzard. Again. For as innocent and naive as the small snowman was, he was surprisingly considerate of Elsa's feelings and rarely repeated an action that would cause her distress. Therefore, him wandering off without a word was mildly concerning but, after a moment of concentration, she could feel the slightly dislocated flicker of her powers that constituted the little snowman somewhere above her.
With only a hint of reluctance, the blonde left the safety of her rooms, drawn to the flicker of her powers. The closer she came, the stronger she could feel him, and it didn't take long for her to figure out which room he was in; what they jokingly called the Oven room was the only room within the Palace not constructed by Elsa's powers. It housed the main electronics they used, like the computer and a large TV with a few gaming consoles tucked underneath- things that wouldn't appreciate low temperatures and occasionally melting water.
Upon finishing her ascent to the floor in question, the blonde could hear Hans' voice echoing softly down the hall through the propped open door.
She wasn't angry- okay, that was a lie, she was still a little sore over the whole Cheyenne Mountain fiasco, seeing as she was still losing sleep over it. Yet... well, it wasn't all bad. Getting a little up, close, and personal with the redhead counted for something- as pathetic as that sounded in her own head- and she would have to forgive him eventually. All in all, they'd faced closer encounters on their various mad adventures, but this one came with a pretty agreeable upside.
She just hoped he actually learned his lesson this time around.
Pulling open the heavy door to the climate controlled room, Elsa poked her head in first. Hans was seated at a long table with several books strewn across the top, a few stacked off to one side while the rest lay in an unceremonious heap on the other, a dozen or more sitting on the floor beside the redhead. Except, rather than being the scientific kind Elsa expected, they appeared to be...
"Are those my books?" Elsa entered the room, garnering the attention of both occupants. Hans gave her a slightly apologetic smile.
"Sorry, Elsa, I meant to ask you about borrowing them. I'm using them for research."
"And I'm helping!" Olaf waved from the chair set in front of the computer, causing it to swivel slightly from the movement.
"Oh?" Elsa fought to keep her expression calm. She didn't mind Hans borrowing her books- though she couldn't imagine why- but she sincerely hoped they were from the main bookcases in the Cave and not the chest in her room. "What sort of research?"
"Well, I am combing through your outstanding assortment of romance novels and Olaf is utilizing a program I found on the internet to locate further information on our persistent adversaries." Hans grinned, picking up another book and starting to flip through it.
Elsa rolled her eyes, a smile touching her lips as she jokingly replied: "A program called Google, by any chance?"
Confusion flashed in the redhead's eyes. "How'd you know?"
It took all her will power not to slap her hand to her face in exasperation.
Hans was too busy turning his attention to Olaf to notice the quietly suffering blonde's expression. "Olaf, type in 'find information on Anna the redhead and her blond boy sidekick'."
Elsa's willpower ran out and she groaned into her hand. "Hans, Google doesn't operate on commands. You search based on keywords."
"You know how to use the program?" Hans' brows furrowed in confusion before he broke out into a wide smile. "Would you like to help us? I promise, Elsa, this plan is my best yet!"
"Are you telling me you haven't even tried finding information on those kids before today?" Elsa grumbled, standing beside Olaf as he turned his attention back to the screen. From the way the little snowman was smiling, she had the feeling he was more capable of finding the information on his own and was just playing along for Hans' sake. She might as well play along too.
"They were minor annoyances." Hans replied flippantly, setting another book in the disorganized heap. "I thought they would give up after the first few appearances. Besides, I had no reason to know anything about them until now."
Giving up further questioning as a lost cause, the blonde turned her full attention to the search bar. "Olaf, type in Anna, Kristoff, reindeer, and high school." Elsa shook her head, pointing towards the screen as the snowman typed. "No, Kristoff is spelled k-r-i-s-t-o-f-f."
"That's an unusual spelling." Hans mumbled, turning another page before giving up and setting the book aside, grabbing another from the stack. Luckily, he was so engrossed in the books he missed Elsa's cringe and Olaf's comforting smile. "Elsa, why do so many of your books contain romantic entanglements between two women?"
"Is there a problem with that?" The blonde's voice held a biting edge that her friend neglected to notice, though Olaf gave her a calming pat with one of his twig arms after starting the search.
"The problem is I need books regarding the romantic entanglements between a man and a woman and so few of these books have it!" The redhead groused, setting yet another book aside. "How am I supposed to research the workings of a relationship when I don't have sufficient information pertaining to it?"
The blonde blinked in surprise, curiously glancing at the snowman beside her. He merely shrugged, pointing at the screen. Elsa looked at the links- unlike Hans, she'd had the presence of mind to do a little research of her own after submitting her request for assistance in stopping Hans' first world domination attempt, and further research after the third and fourth times- and indicated the fourth link on the results page.
It was the Arendelle High School website, which had the least in terms of minutia regarding the trio of do-gooders but would hopefully satisfy her friend. The top return was the official site advertising the redhead's services as an 'assistance provider' while the third was fan owned and operated and... very, very creepy, in Elsa's opinion. The second was Wikipedia. Those three contained far too much personal information for her liking, especially to put in Hans' hands.
"I can't imagine it would be difficult." Hans continued, thumbing through another tome. "But I'd still like a good frame of reference for gaining the romantic affections of a girl. You know, wooing her."
"W-why are you looking into that sort of stuff anyway?" She winced at her stutter.
To some extent, she'd anticipated having this conversation one day but had hoped Hans' bid for the world would continue to distract him. She wasn't stupid; for all their pretense to the contrary, Elsa and Hans were still a few months shy of being twenty and just as immature as the two kids who constantly foiled Hans' attempts. And teens... well, she had far too many books that essentially said the same thing: that teenagers were extremely amorous, especially teen males. Seeing as she was the only female he had consistent contact with...
Wow, she really didn't want to have this conversation right now.
Or ever, actually. Yeah, ever.
"Aha!" Hans sat forward, deeply interested in the book he was holding. "This might help." He suddenly looked up, as if remembering Elsa's question. "Oh, right, this research is for my latest plan to stop those kids from stopping my next plan to take over the world!" He paused, looking off into the distance for a moment as he muttered to himself. "In hindsight, incorporating measures to stop those kids might've helped immensely before..." he shrugged, returning his attention to the book "...but what's past is done. This is the way forward!"
Elsa tried valiantly not to let her relief show on her face. She was marginally successful, leaning back against the computer desk and crossing her arms over her chest. Olaf, seeing he wasn't involved directly in the conversation, was entertaining himself by clicking around the website and looking at all the pictures. "Care to explain?"
"Here's how I figure it," Hans said, shuffling a few books before finding a notepad filled with his elegant, though hasty, writing. "Every plan I concoct, every plot I painstakingly craft, is always foiled by one constant: those kids and the reindeer. So I figure, if I can split them up- make their relationship so unbearable they can't stand each other- then they won't be coming to stop us together! I've looked at it from all angles; if it's just the girl or the boy, even if the reindeer comes no matter what, I think we can handle it. As it stands, they outnumber us, so it's best to divide the group so we can finally complete one of my other ingenious ploys."
Elsa remained quiet a moment, pretending to read over the information Olaf was scrolling through: an old article regarding the rodeo team. At the top of the page- which he helpfully returned to once he noticed Elsa's feigned interest- was a picture of the then freshmen, smiling as they received a crown and tiara from their classmates, the reindeer lolling his tongue out in the corner of the shot.
Her lips quirked into a lopsided grin; Anna looked pretty cute in the blue button down she was wearing, white at the cuffs and shoulders, beaming in excitement. She could pull off the cowgirl look really, really well. Beside her, Kristoff smiled just as wide, and even she had to admit the blond boy cleaned up well. They looked... inseparable.
"You really think you can split them up?" Elsa turned her attention to Hans, her voice even.
He shrugged. "Seriously, how hard could it be?" He indicated the small stack set aside from the rest. "Most of these are about people who meet each other and have to overcome obstacles and misunderstandings in order to be together, quite a few seem to entail established relationships overcoming obstacles and misunderstandings in order to remain together, and the rest focus on how a female with multiple male prospects must choose between them. I imagine part of the draw is whether or not the relationship will exist- or remain, as the case may be- so these sort of disturbances must pose some semblance of a real, understandable problem to the reader and must give enough doubt as to the turnout to be engaging."
Let it never be said that Hans didn't understand formulas, mathematical or otherwise.
"So, all that's needed is to increase the drama, so to speak; exacerbate the problems themselves and their frequency and multitude and presto! Destroyed relationship." He thumbed through one of the books. "It helps that, apparently, most people don't seem to favor their ex-partners too heavily and they're a couple of kids besides, so I doubt Anna will stay with Christopher-"
"Kristoff." Elsa and Olaf corrected in unison.
"Whatever- I don't see them working with each other to stop us if their relationship is ended. It's perfect!"
Elsa regarded her friend, two sides raging within her head.
If she was being completely honest with herself, she really didn't mind this slight detour from the typical 'take over the world' fare. Anna being single? Yeah, absolutely, she could totally live with that. Just the prospect made her uncomfortably giddy... and therein lay the problem. Unlike Hans, she'd actually read all those romance novels and, if what she read was any indication, the severance of a committed, long term relationship wasn't something a person just got over easily. It was typically a long, painful process. She couldn't bear to be the cause- even if tangentlially- of that kind of emotional pain for the redhead. Hans might have no problem with it but her heart wouldn't let her, even if her head was totally ready to hop on board.
Just once, she wished she could be the singularly fixated, unapologetic, selfish one in their friendship. Just once.
The blonde sighed, scrubbing at her eyes again. Being the responsible one sucked. "Hans, this could really come back to bite you. If either of them find out-"
"That's the beauty of it: they never will!" He gestured to his notes again. "This is foolproof, Elsa. We start by introducing multiple suitors-"
"We? Why do you keep dragging me into this?" Elsa massaged her temple. He was making it really difficult to play the voice of reason here.
Of course, he continued without registering her objection. "-then, as she begins paying further attention to the suitors, we begin to throw little wrenches into their relationship, sow confusion between them, make them fight, until it all comes to a head!" He gestured to the computer screen. "Now that we have information on where they live, what school they go to, and where they'll be, all it will take is a few cleverly placed individuals with directions and the promise of a fat paycheck awaiting them. All the while, we sit here in the Palace and just watch it all unfold." He scratched at his chin. "Although, we'll need to stage a few plots during this whole process; can't have them noticing our absence and attempting to blame us for their problems."
Elsa pursed her lips. "Hans-"
"Anyway," Hans continued, again oblivious to Elsa's objections. "I don't see how it won't work." He picked up a particular book. "This one, with the protagonist dealing with multiple love interests? The poor girl is in constant emotional disarray because of it- she sinks into a horrible depression, makes bad decisions, it's a bit sad really."
Curse her fascination with supernatural romance. "Twilight is probably not-"
"And besides, Anna is a pretty girl, beautiful-"
"HANS!" This time her outburst stopped the redhead in his tracks, curiosity written across his features at the clear irritation in her voice. She wanted to forbid him from ever mentioning the redhead in that context ever again, an irrational spike of jealousy adding to her annoyance. Searching for something else- anything else- to cover her anger, Elsa said the first thing that came to mind. "You- you're targeting her."
"Well, yes, it just seemed..." He trailed off, eyes glazing over as several things flew through his mind. Elsa doubted any of them were good, a hunch that was confirmed when his face lit up. "Elsa, you're a genius! We'll target the boy too! With your help-"
Elsa screamed into her hands, muffling the sound only slightly.
"-we'll have both of them chasing new, false relationships! That's magnificent!"
"Hans, can we take a moment to talk about this?" Elsa's brows were furrowed. "You're suggesting personally attacking a couple of kids."
"It's a means to an end, Elsa," Hans said with a shrug. "If it's that big a deal, then when I've taken over the world, I'll send an emissary to let them know that their problems aren't as bad as they think and they'll get back together. Or I'll throw them into a cell together and they can make up. Simple."
"Love is never simple." Elsa shot back. "And this is officially past my tolerance for your antics."
"But it'll work!" Hans whined and indicated his notepad. "I have it all, right here!"
Elsa snatched the notepad from his hand, reading through the steps he'd lined out. She turned a quizzical eye on him. "You're starting with writing a love letter?"
"Of course!" He spread his arms, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "A secret admirer showering her with compliments; that's enough to get any girl blushing and thinking of other possibilities, right?" Hans crossed his arms over his chest, immensely proud of himself. "It's got all the workings of romance: mystery, adoration, opportunity."
"Stupidity, insanity-" Hans glowered at her. "Hans... we're in the middle of the Canadian wilderness... how are you going to mail a love letter?"
"Well, you're going to take it to town, of course."
"I really need to sit you down and redefine what I meant when I said I would help you." Elsa sighed, glancing back at the list. "And you're going to hire boys to flirt with her?"
"And girls for the boy, I suppose." Hans pulled the notepad from her hand and started jotting down more notes. "You can handle the letter to the buffoon, correct?"
At this point, Elsa was finished trying to hide her irritation. "Do you even know how to flirt with a girl, Hans?"
"Tell her she's pretty."
"She'll think you're shallow."
"Compliment her clothing."
"She'll think you're superficial."
"Uh, her... eyes?"
"Do you even know what color they are?"
"Red, right?"
"That's her hair."
Hans paused and threw his hands up. "Okay, fine, it's harder than I thought. Gee, girls are confusing."
Elsa sighed. "Tell me about it."
Scratching at his cheek momentarily, he snapped his fingers. "I've got it! You'll write the letter to Anna."
"Me? You want me to write a love letter to Anna?"
"You seem to understand girls better than I do. Why not?"
"Then you're writing the note to Kristoff because I have little idea how your mind works, forget trying to understand another boy's." Deciding she liked the arrangement far better now, Elsa turned, gave Olaf a brief hug he eagerly returned, and started striding towards the door. She didn't believe it would work, of course, but it was a welcome distraction from escaping explosions every other month. "When do you want them mailed?"
"The next time you go to town for supplies." Hans flipped to a clean page in his notepad. "I should have mine done in a few days or so. Oh, and don't pull out the big guns yet; we're going to keep this going for a while."
"Whatever you say," Elsa replied, sighing as she left the room.
Hans looked up once she left, leaning back slightly in his chair. He was still treading on thin ice- pardon the pun- with his best friend and he really had no idea what he could do to fix it. He thought this would certainly help, given the two wouldn't need to be directly involved once the first phase was complete, but it only seemed to anger her again.
Maybe it was one of those girl things she absolutely refused to explain to him.
Hans glanced at Olaf. The computer was making faint sounds but they were unfamiliar, much like the images flashing on the screen, causing the redhead to furrow his brows in confusion. "What're you doing over there?"
"Playing a game!" The snowman said over his shoulder. "I made my character just like Elsa!"
Hans stood up and went over to watch the screen from a better vantage point. Peering over the snowman's head, he frowned. "I don't get it. What's going on?"
"Well, I already beat the game's main storyline, so I'm going back and finishing all the side quests! Right now, I'm doing the Dark Brotherhood missions, so I have to hide in the Night Mother's coffin." Olaf maneuvered the camera towards a crypt like thing in the corner of a weird room, clicking on it to open it.
What Hans saw within gave him sufficient reason to balk.
"How is that Elsa?" He glowered at the slightly confused snowman.
Olaf blinked at him. "That's the Night Mother, silly! My character is Elsa, see?" He switched from the first person view to the third person, swinging the camera around to show a rather detailed, computer generated rendering of the blonde, down to her signature braid. Hans was slightly impressed; he didn't know people- snowmen, much less- could do that with computers. "You're in here too! I put you as the housecarl in Whiterun, so I can take you with me when I go riding across the plains." Olaf frowned. "I couldn't change the voice acting though... but your character looks really good, I promise!"
Hans blinked, face contorting. "What? How?"
"Wow, you really don't know anything about computers, do you?"
"I stay on the in-terror-net, where it's safe!"
Olaf glanced at him briefly, giggling as he continued doing... whatever it was. "All I did was-"
"Nope, no, I don't care," Hans said as the screen- which had gone dark for some reason- suddenly flared with a red light as the supposed 'Night Mother' lit up in an eerie red glow and he decided to save his sanity for more important endeavors. "Do whatever you want, Olaf. It's fine. I'm going back to my letter now."
The snowman shrugged and continued playing his game, engrossed in the story again once Hans settled in his chair. He loved going on quests!
Returning to her room, Elsa set out to make one thing empirically clear before bothering with Hans' stupid letter idea. "Marshmallow."
The large snowman stood up, lumbering over to Elsa as she made her way to her closet.
"Who's allowed to touch this?" She indicated the chest tucked against the back wall, to which the snowman replied by pointing an icy finger at Elsa. "And if Hans or Olaf try to touch this chest?" Marshmallow roared, eyes glowing a fierce blue as spikes erupted all over his form. Elsa sighed in relief. "Thanks, Marshmallow."
She reached up, meeting him halfway for a hug as his spikes receded. He wasn't as fond of hugs as Olaf but the larger snowman appreciated them all the same, carefully wrapping his large limbs around Elsa's much smaller form. After ending the hug, the snowman lumbered back to his spot in the corner with a smile on his large face while Elsa went to her desk, producing a notepad of her own from one of the drawers.
For one thing, this whole idea was silly. Unlike Hans, she'd dug up everything she could on the trio out of curiosity long ago and there were certain glaring facts that Hans was completely forgetting.
Like, how Kristoff and Anna have known each other practically all their lives and probably worked past several bouts of jealousy and such trivial concerns long ago.
Like, how they lived in a small town, to the point where any newcomer is going to garner attention and a little suspicion, especially a newcomer who starts messing with a specific person, the darling of the town no less.
Like, how there was a marked difference between fiction and real life, and trying to base assumptions and draw theories from fiction would eventually lead to some sort of disconnect which would, of course, result in the plan failing.
Like, how they were probably two of the least suitable people in the world to try and woo anyone, sincerely or not.
However, this stupid notion came with an upside: Hans wasn't going to actively try for world domination until his 'foolproof plan' worked. Essentially, that meant less stress over what to do if he happened to succeed and less concern over where he might choose to stage his 'fake' attempts. She doubted any more military bases were in her immediate future, at any rate, so that was good news.
Elsa chewed on the eraser end of her pencil in thought. She would've preferred pen but, given ink had a tendency to freeze at a certain temperature, graphite would have to do. Plus, rubber was kinder on her teeth than plastic, and she was a feeling she would need something to worry in the time being.
Mainly because she was seriously considering writing the anonymous love letters with utmost sincerity.
Which was just as stupid as Hans' plan.
So stupid, she couldn't imagine why she was taking it so seriously.
Or why her heart clenched and her face flushed at the thought that she could actually be honest on paper without giving any indication of who she was.
Setting the pencil down, Elsa crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. She couldn't do this, not right now. She'd worry about the letter later; right now, there was something more concrete- and less personal- to concentrate on: getting the damn things mailed.
That couldn't be too terribly difficult. Buy some sort of postage, drop it off at the post office in the town, make it quick, and she'd be done. That part was easy and not nearly as distracting as she needed it to be. She didn't even need to include a return address- she shouldn't, in order to keep the whole 'secret admirer' thing going. It would probably be beneficial to Hans' ploy to not include one anyway, to bolster the ruse.
But the idea of getting a letter back, even if it just said 'you're kinda creepy, please never do this again'... that would really sting yet it would be kinda worth it, too.
"Great, now I'm a masochist." Elsa grumbled, picking up her pencil again.
Whatever; if there was one thing novels did teach her, it was how to be unapologetically sappy and dramatically adoring.
Not that she needed much help in that department.
Hans stroked his sideburns, glaring at the notepad before him. After being distracted by whatever madness Olaf was up to on the computer for the fifth time, he'd retreated to his quiet lab in order to concentrate fully, bringing the small collection of books that proved useful to him along and leaving the rest for Olaf to return.
It was risky, borrowing Elsa's books, but Hans had given Olaf strict instructions to only take the ones she didn't read often, leaving her favorites alone. The blonde hadn't demanded them back though, so he was probably safe on that for the time being. He just needed to ensure he didn't damage the books any. Most of them were hardback so, really, that wouldn't be a problem.
What was a problem was this damn letter. The books were absolutely useless when it came to wooing a man; they all had female protagonists! Which made sense, given they were Elsa's books, but still, was there not a market for male protagonist romance novels? There should be, just for cases like this.
"How would a girl woo a man?" Hans allowed the question to hang in the air before his eyebrows lifted. "How would a girl woo me?"
He got up and went to the far wall where Elsa made a section as reflective as a mirror, per his request, and looked at his reflection. He studied himself: turned left and right, passed a hand through his hair, smoothed out his jacket, his pants.
In nearly every book, a fair amount of text was dedicated to describing the physical attributes of the romantic prospect. Granted it was from the perspective of a woman, but men liked having their physical features praised too, right? He liked it when Elsa told him he looked dashing in his princely garb. It boosted his confidence. Surely Christopher would appreciate the same, right?
"Hans?"
He turned, seeing Olaf standing at the door to his lab, a stack of papers held in his twig hands.
"Yes, Olaf?"
The small snowman looked between the redhead and his reflection a few times before shrugging and waddling over, the papers held out as an offering. "I thought these might help!" Hans took the papers, thumbing through them with a raised brow. "Since you're writing him a letter, I thought it would be good to have some pictures and his name and stuff, so you can use them for reference!"
Smiling, Hans bent down and gave Olaf a hug. Elsa often chided him about not hugging the smaller snowman enough, though she didn't mind so much that he preferred to stay as far away from Marshmallow as possible. He didn't quite understand the relationship Elsa had with her creations and found trying to pry too deeply usually resulted in Elsa leaving or Marshmallow coming to join the conversation and Hans promptly absconding.
"Thank you, Olaf." Hans ushered the small snowman out before returning to his chair, looking at the picture of Kristoff with a slight frown. "He still looks like a buffoon." Shrugging, he set the picture next to his notepad and got to work, a small smile on his lips. "No matter; I am a master of flattery."
Olaf laughed to himself, shaking his head slightly as he neared Elsa's rooms. He'd already delivered the helpful information packet to Hans, set all Elsa's books back in their places, and beaten the Dark Brotherhood questline! All he had left was to drop off the papers in his hand to Elsa and then... he could hang out with Elsa!
That was always the best part of his day.
As he reached the door, Olaf reached out to push it open, only for Elsa to do so with a smile.
"Hey Olaf. Done with your adventure already?"
"Yeah!" The little snowman laughed, hugging Elsa before holding out the papers in his hand. "Here, I brought you these to help with your letter!"
The blonde took them, shuffling through the papers with climbing eyebrows. "I... don't understand."
"Well, I figured it was easier to write a letter to someone when you can look at a picture of them!" He explained, patting Elsa's leg. "She looks really nice! She smiles a lot."
"She does," Elsa replied, a smile of her own touching her lips. She took the pictures Olaf gave her and put them on her desk next to the notepad. Her fingertips brushed her pencil, causing it to roll slightly, before she turned away from it. "Olaf, Marshmallow." Both snowmen regarded her as she nodded towards the balcony. "Would you like to go play?"
Olaf cheered and raced to the balcony while Marshmallow nodded and lumbered over, Elsa chuckling at the radically different reactions. The trio slid down one of Elsa's ice slides to the snow before the Palace and immediately set about setting up one of their favorite games.
It started with Elsa summoning a city of ice sculptures, the houses standing barely higher than her knee, with a wall circling it. Then, setting a tiara of ice upon her head and drawing herself to her fullest height, Elsa walked the narrow streets, addressing her 'subjects' with a smile and a wave until coming to her most valiant knight, Sir Olaf.
"Greetings, Sir Olaf! Do you stand ready to protect my realm?"
"My Queen, of course!" The brave and chivalrous Sir Olaf knelt before his Queen as she summoned a sword and a shield of ice for him. "Danger wouldn't dare strike while I'm here!"
And that was Marshmallow's cue.
The large snowman growled menacingly and stomped towards the city, pausing occasionally to lash out at the defenseless snow plain.
Elsa gasped in shock. "A snow monster!"
"Don't worry, my Queen! I'll protect you!" With nothing but his blunt ice sword shield, the brave Sir Olaf charged forth to vanquish the mighty creature attempting to attack the fair kingdom.
It was a tough battle, the smaller snowman waving his sword at the growling menace, hiding behind his shield whenever the giant would hurl fistfuls of snow at him. He would duck the swipe of large hands, more than once jumping to separate his three piece body for a particularly low swipe, before setting upon the fiend once more.
As the battle raged, the noble queen watched from the safety of the wall, laughing quietly and shouting encouragement. Right up until a snowball struck her, knocking the crown from her head. Brushing the snow from her hair, the blonde did nothing to stop Hans as he raced over, claiming the tiara for himself.
Meanwhile, the brave knight slew the devious creature, the defeated snowman falling down and wailing in his death throes, he turned to shout victoriously: "I have slain the beast!"
"And with the untimely passing of our late Queen," Hans said in a vaguely sorrowful tone while Elsa watched, hands on her hips. "I have taken up her crown!" He proclaimed, setting the tiara on his head delicately and striking a heroic pose. "All hail the Great King Hans!"
Elsa laughed, conjuring a much larger snowball than any of them- except maybe Marshmallow- could've made on their own. "If you're the King, then I'm the evil Ice Witch, come to steal your crown!" The blonde jumped away from the city of ice, still holding the large snowball above her head. "Come, my snowmen! Lay siege to the kingdom!"
"I can't even take over a fake world without someone trying to stop me," Hans said with a wry grin, eyes widening as Elsa raised a brow. "Maybe we can, uh, talk about this-"
"Of course we can," Elsa said, a smirk touching her lips. "Here's my opening statement."
"Elsa, seriou- no, nonononono-" Hans turned and ran but wasn't quick enough, the monster of a snowball hitting him square in the back and knocking him to the ground just as Sir Olaf reached him, poking his side with the ice sword. The redhead instantly groaned, clutching his 'wounded' side. "Oh no! The Great King Hans has fallen!"
Marshmallow finally reached the fallen 'King' and noticed the tiara had fallen from Hans' head. Delicately picking up the tiny headpiece, the snowman set it atop his own massive head.
Instantly, Olaf took up the cry. "A new King is crowned! All hail the Mighty King Marshmallow!"
Hans rolled to his knees as Elsa jogged over, kneeling in the snow beside him and bowing with arms outstretched to the large snowman, chanting in unison. "All hail the King! The Mighty King Marshmallow!"
Olaf joined the chant, his sword raised high as he danced around his new liege.
For his part, Marshmallow bowed as gracefully as his frame would allow, clapping his hands together with a smile as the other continued to praise the new king of the unnamed kingdom. As the four devolved into a fit of giggles, Olaf bounded over to the redhead.
"That was great Hans! You should come play with us more often!"
He shrugged. "I'm usually busy." He looked between the three. "Now, what game should we play next?"
Olaf never had a good concept of time. He understood the basic mechanics of it- he could tell time, at least- but he could never gauge how much time had passed without a clock, especially when he was having fun. He didn't notice the position of the sun or how their shadows were growing long. If Elsa hadn't noticed Hans shivering, they might have continued playing in the snow until the sun set below the horizon.
The small snowman didn't mind that the games were over and they had to go back inside, though. Hans didn't enjoy the cold as much as they did, or he just felt it more than they did, but that wasn't his fault! He could hardly hold it against the man, even though they were having so much fun.
He expected Hans and Elsa to go their separate ways, seeing as they were usually very busy, but instead they all went to the Oven, grabbed some lunch- nothing fancy, just some cold sandwiches- and they settled in to watch a movie together! Olaf was really excited, even if the movie was one they'd seen many times already, they hadn't seen it in a while and he really liked it!
Hans usually didn't, for some reason, but he was the one who picked it. "For research purposes."
"Of course," Elsa replied, settling on the couch with Olaf in her lap and Marshmallow resting against the back of the couch.
As the tape began to play, Hans settled on the other side of the couch. It was starting to get lines of white through the middle and at the edges from repeated viewings but none of them cared.
Olaf thought about bringing up how they should just get a DVD player, seeing as the picture would be better and discs wouldn't degrade over time the way videotapes did, but he thought Elsa preferred the tapes.
Or maybe she just liked how long she'd had them. He'd never really asked and now didn't seem like a good time.
Marshmallow shifted slightly, returning to full awareness at the sound of Hans' plate hitting the floor. Olaf seemed to become aware as well but didn't move, seeing as one of Elsa's arms was wrapped around him and moving too much would wake her up.
Hans was sprawled out across most of the couch, head on the arm rest and one leg draped over the back of the couch. Elsa, on the other hand, was curled up on her side, legs tucked up to her chest. He wasn't sure when they'd fallen asleep but, given the movie was nearly halfway through again and there was no light filtering into the room from outside, he suspected they'd all been asleep for some time.
A smile spread across his face as his favorite character came on screen. Fezzik the Giant was a lot like him, except Fezzik could rhyme. Marshmallow preferred not to talk, so he wasn't sure if he was any good at rhyming, but it was better to leave that sort of stuff to the professionals.
Olaf, on the other hand, was like Inigo- passionate and always kind to the giant, even if the smaller snowman would never seek revenge on someone. Elsa was definitely Wesley- smart, strong, fast, and a friend to both Fezzik and Inigo.
He didn't count when Wesley had to fight Fezzik and Inigo, though. It wasn't fair; Elsa would never fight them in earnest. She rarely play fought them in their snow games.
Hans, though... the large snowman tilted his head to regard the redhead. Hans was definitely Miracle Max. Driven by his need to prove himself and a friend to them, yes, but a bit misguided. Not nearly as present in Wesley's life, unlike Fezzik and Inigo, but important all the same.
"Marshmallow?" Olaf's voice was quiet, to the point he wasn't sure his deep rumble could match it, so Marshmallow merely shifted to prove he was listening. The smaller snowman's head turned almost completely around to smile at him. "I think they should go to bed."
Marshmallow nodded, carefully getting up and walking as quietly as he could to the front of the couch. Gently, he scooped Elsa into his large hands and started carrying her to her rooms while Olaf fetched a blanket for Hans.
Halfway to his destination, Elsa stirred, speaking despite her voice being thick with sleep. "You can put me down, Marshmallow. I'll walk."
The large snowman merely smiled at her and continued walking.
"Fine, have it your way."
He reached her room and the doors opened with a lazy wave of Elsa's hand, allowing him to deposit the woman in her bed. As she tucked herself in, Marshmallow returned to the Oven, allowing Olaf to head to Elsa's room while Marshmallow collected Hans- wrapped in a blanket to shield him from the snowman's chill- and went up to the redhead's rooms.
Marshmallow had to push Hans' door open but the man didn't wake, though once he was placed under his thick covers he wiggled until he was deeply ensconced in them. The snowman felt a little bad that Hans was cold most of the time just so he and Olaf could be comfortable- Elsa wasn't bothered by the cold, but she didn't necessarily prefer it- but it also made him feel good that the man would bear it for the sake of his friends.
Hans made Elsa mad sometimes but he did care. He just wasn't good at showing it the right way. Neither was Marshmallow, though; out of all of them, Olaf was the best at expressing himself.
Closing the door behind him, Marshmallow made his way back to Elsa's rooms, claiming his corner as usual while Olaf sat on the bed and watched over the blonde. They hoped she would be able to sleep through the night; she deserved to get some rest.
Through the balcony, Marshmallow could see the Northern Lights dancing across the sky and he smiled. He liked the days when Hans and Elsa weren't working or preparing to leave, when they could all play and relax together like friends should.
He wished it could happen more often but for now, it was the perfect end to a perfect day.
Hans raised his fist, willing himself to knock on the doors in front of him.
He had to get this over with eventually.
"Just knock. Come on, Hans, just knock." It took Hans a moment to realize the voice wasn't his inner monologue. "Do you remember how to knock?"
"Yes, I remember how to knock, Olaf." Hans hissed, running his left hand through his hair before pounding it against Elsa's door once. He instantly cringed at how hard he hit it, the subsequent two knocks significantly quieter.
The door opened almost instantly, the blonde favoring her friend with a teasing smirk. Of course she could tell he was standing just outside her door the whole time. She was just messing with him.
"Can I help you, Hans?" Her smirk faltered as she raised a finger. "No, let me rephrase: what do you want?"
"An ice sleeve," the redhead replied, cradling his right forearm. "It's been a while since I've written this much."
"You could go stick it in the snow."
"I've already done that," he replied. "Four times."
Elsa rolled her eyes but complied, wrapping her ice magic around his wrist, providing him with an ice blue gauntlet and fingerless glove. "I take it you're facing certain difficulties?"
He scowled at her. "Hey, you try wooing a man sometime; it's not as easy as it looks."
"No, thanks, I'll stick to wooing women," Elsa replied with a laugh, opening the door a bit further to admit Olaf.
Hans shook his head, flexing his right hand to ensure mobility. Elsa's ice clothes were fine for the blonde but made the redhead feel a little... weird. "All I have left is the final draft. How are you coming along?"
"Almost finished, actually," Elsa replied, reaching up to tuck an errant lock of hair behind her ear. "By the way, I'm going to head out for a bit once I'm done."
He thought about questioning her but decided against it. Elsa liked her trips to be private and he had to rein in his curiosity on the matter. Now was certainly not the time to start irritating her with questions she would ignore anyway.
"I'll give it to Olaf if you're not back by the time I'm done." Hans turned to leave but cast a look at Elsa over his shoulder. "By the way, I've already started looking into our next bid for world domination. It's not a serious plan, just something to stoke the fires, so to speak."
Elsa crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm listening."
"We'll be going to Mexico!" He started walking backwards, a smile splitting his face. "There are a few men down there claiming to be on the trail to El Dorado."
"The fabled city of gold?" Elsa's face scrunched in confusion. "Hans, why would we-"
"Exactly!" Hans laughed. "We don't need the money but the kids don't know that. If we succeed, so what, more money; and if we fail, so what, it's just a distraction anyway. Perfect!"
Elsa shook her head. "I don't think that word means what you think it means."
Turning to walk forward, the redhead waved her off. "Oh hush, I know what I'm doing!"
"I highly doubt that!" Elsa called after him before closing the door, returning to her desk to finish her anonymous love letter to Anna while ignoring her nerves.
This whole thing was so stupid she still couldn't believe she was buying into it wholesale.
There was only a little snow accumulated on his roof from the freak snow storm that afternoon but he wasn't sure how much longer it would hold up. The roof was old and he was stubborn; he'd rather dedicate more time to clearing snow than spending the money to have someone else redo it. He thought about redoing it himself but... well, the work was stubborn and he was a bit older than he liked to admit.
Still, something had to be done.
Grabbing his shovel and a broom from the kitchen, Noah stepped out onto his front porch, grumbling to himself as he set the broom aside to go grab the ladder from his garage. He made it halfway around to the front when he noticed someone was standing at the edge of his drive. He'd never seen the person before, looked like some kid from town in that big blue hoodie.
While he certainly wasn't the pariah of the town- rather, he was their elder, the leader, even if some of the younger generations liked to needle him about his old ways- the kids around town would get the notion to play pranks on him. Some part of him understood but, after the fifth time digging himself out of his own house, 'harmless fun' seemed like an excuse and a horrible one at that.
Noah took a step back towards the porch and raised the shovel in his hand. At least the shovel was a weapon, if not the best of them, but the person put up their hands in a clear sign of surrender.
"I want to make a deal," the woman said in English that wasn't accented by Inuktitut or French. She stepped a little closer so he could get a better look at her.
Squinting his eyes, Noah could make out only her pale skin and ice blue eyes, most of her face absorbed by the hood. It took a moment longer for it to click in his head: she was the one Memphis liked to call Snow Walker. She came by every now and again- odd timings, never regular- and bought supplies from Memphis' general store, canned food mostly, and then left, never in a vehicle or a sled, just walked away in a different direction every time.
Memphis' boy, Mumble- odd kid but reasonably good heart when he wasn't being a troublemaker- tried following her once. He came back saying she was swallowed by a snow drift but, sure enough, she returned to the store a month or so later, not looking any worse for wear. She rarely spoke, never mentioned where she came from or where she was going to, but was polite for the most part.
He got into it with Memphis once over this Snow Walker, calling into question her odd behavior, but after most of the town took Memphis' side, he let the issue lie. Not like she joined Mumble, Gloria, and the other ruffians in their antics anyway. Just an odd, mysterious woman who hadn't caused anyone trouble... yet.
"What kind of deal?" Noah was wary. Snow Walker always paid what was owed to Memphis, sometimes double if she put in a order, but she also never interacted with any other member of town. Just because she was fair and reasonable with Memphis didn't mean she was good news for everyone.
She gestured to his roof. "I'll clear your roof of snow. In exchange, I use your address to mail a few letters. That's it."
Noah started at the odd request.
"Maybe my hearing's worse than I thought," he said to himself before regarding the woman again. "You'll clear my roof just so you can post a few letters?" She nodded. "What's your name?"
"I'm not telling you that," she replied, narrowing her eyes slightly and taking a step back. "If someone comes looking for me... you won't have anything to tell them."
The old man laughed. "Clever girl." Ignoring her slight irritation, he nodded. "Roof isn't what it used to be. I can't afford to let snow accumulate, so how often will you come by and how long will our deal last?"
"Until summer, at the earliest," she said, shifting slightly, as if nervous. "I'll come by every week or after each storm, whichever comes first."
Noah turned to regard his roof. That was a better deal than he could hope for, really; with his joints and back, he couldn't hope to match it through his own efforts without spending a day or two too swollen to move. Especially seeing as this winter promised to be a harsh one.
"Give me a demonstration," he said, tossing the shovel to her before heading to the garage to get the ladder. It took him a few extra minutes and a lot more noise than he intended- damn thing was stuck under some gear he'd picked up during one of Memphis' sales- but after he hauled it up on his shoulder, he returned to the front of the house and promptly dropped it to the ground in shock.
The woman was standing with the shovel in hand, same place as before he left... but there wasn't a trace of snow left on his roof, not even his garage. With all the racket he caused, he hadn't even heard her, but he hadn't been gone that long!
She shrugged as he turned his questioning gaze upon her. "I have a lot of experience clearing snow."
Well so did he, but even in his youth he couldn't clear a roof that quick!
"Alright, so you got some... interesting skills." Noah nodded absently before shaking his head to get his thoughts back in order. "Where's this post going, anyway? America?" It was the woman's turn to be shocked but he merely grinned. "Your accent gave you away."
At her affirmative reply, he nodded and glanced at the roof. International post would cost a little but, if she kept up her end of the bargain, he didn't mind covering it. Heading up to the porch, he tapped on a rusted, worn mail tin.
"Put the letters in here when you want them posted; I'll take them into town. Trev stopped coming by my place decades ago for post." Noah laughed. "Bet he'll be surprised. Change doesn't exactly come easily around here."
"Thank you." She nodded, handing him the shovel before starting back down his drive, towards town. He doubted that's where she was headed, though.
"Hey, Snow Walker." He called, waiting for her to acknowledge him. "Let's say someone does come looking for you. Anything you'd like me to pass along?"
She was quiet for a moment before raising her gaze to meet his. "That I'm fine and I'm free."
"A stray dog's free," he replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "Doesn't mean she won't paw at the door, want to spend a night around the family hearth."
"There's a reason she's a stray. Besides..." The woman turned and started walking away again, her words barely caught by the wind to reach Noah's ears. "The cold never bothered me anyway."
Author's Note: Hans and Elsa, everybody. Truly a diabolical pair, aren't they? I find it exceptionally funny that this is the chapter posted given the last review on the first chapter remarked on Elsa and Olaf being bad guys. Anyway, thanks to lauraknatt for the inspiration, only-looking for being an awesome beta, everyone who's still reading this, and to all who've favorited, followed, and reviewed. I'm getting a kick out of writing it, so I hope y'all are enjoying it too. We'll be getting back to Anna next chapter. Also, I got next to nothing done this week because of Las Vegas. Still on track for next week's update though.
To Person of no interest: I already had Olaf's gaming scene written when you posted your first review, so I laughed like a loon. I love irony and I hope you enjoyed seeing Olaf being computer savvy.