TRIS
After weeks the doctors finally let me go. They said my body was strong, but we knew that already. I knew I was strong. Tobias kept saying it over and over again. Tobias couldn't wait to take me home, to our faction, but I wasn't sure. The Compound was our home, too. It was my mom's home for a while and it felt so familiar. I wanted to know more, to do more, to be a part of this, but I knew I couldn't do anything right now.
Even though the Compound was somehow our home, too, there's happened a lot. Uriah was still in a coma, Zeke and his mom didn't know that, Tobias was supposed to tell them, but he stayed here. Marcus and Evelyn were still fighting over the city and we didn't know where to start. We've lost Peter, who went to the city and we don't even know what he was planning to do. But right now, while the sun was rising and Tobias was snoring lightly and looked so peaceful over there. I wanted it to be this way forever, but I knew it could never be. Dauntless wasn't peaceful, but we could make it peaceful if we wanted to. Only Tobias and me.
I stroke his cheek softly and places a kiss on his forehead. He stiffened for a moment and then opened his eyes slowly.
'Good morning,' he said. 'I didn't know you were up so early.' I smiled. I couldn't sleep anymore because I knew we were going home today. We've been here for weeks and I missed Dauntless quite a bit. After the doctors released me from the hospital, Tobias and I got our own room. We were planning on going home for days now, but we couldn't just leave Uriah behind. The doctors weren't sure what to do, because he didn't wake up. We kept hoping for a miracle, but the hope kept getting smaller. Eventually we had to do something. The decision wasn't ours to make. We had to visit Zeke and Hana to inform them.
'I couldn't sleep anymore,' I said. I tried to get of the bed but Tobias pressed me tightly against him.
'Why didn't you wake me up?' He asked. He felt his breath tickle against my skin and it gave me butterflies. I loved this about mornings.
'You looked so peacefully and I figured you needed some sleep,' I said. I felt his smile against my neck.
'You don't have to worry about me, you know that Tris, and I love it when you wake me up,' He said. Yeah, I knew that. Of course I knew that, I've been doing it for days. Whenever I woke up first, I woke him up, too. But today was different. He needed the rest. He needed to tell Zeke and Hana about Uriah and it had to be soon.
'Do you already know what you're going to say to Zeke and Hana?' It was a stupid question. Of course he didn't know that, I mean, who would? The hardest part of leaving the Compound was to leave Uriah behind. His fate was determined. Well, that's what I wanted to believe. I wasn't a big believer of anything, but it was different with Uriah situation. He didn't deserve this.
'I'm praying for a miracle, but that's too cliché,' He said. He squeezed my hand and I could feel his nerves, even though we would visit them tomorrow. I had them, too, but I tried not to show them. I tried to stay as calm as I could for Tobias. He needed the calmness, he needed the support. I needed to be there for him.
'I don't know, Tris, I just don't. How could you bring such news?' He asked. You couldn't. That was the point. You just couldn't bring it. But you had to.
'We have to, Tobias,' I said. He just nodded his head. He knew that. 'And I'll be right beside you.' I know it was absurd to say that, because it wouldn't help a bit, but it was the only thing I could think of. I couldn't do much more. We couldn't do much more.
Tobias pressed me even more against him and I loved the feeling it gave me. I wanted to feel him, I wanted it so badly. I wanted to feel him everywhere, all over me, taste him, have him near me. I know I just got released from the hospital and I didn't care the doctors said I had to stay quiet, I wanted him. I've been in this room for a week now and I felt strong, healthier and recovered. Staying in bed all day and doing nothing wasn't me.
Tobias stroked me cheek and without thinking I pressed my lips against his lips. His lips were soft and full and I couldn't think of something else. Tobias reacted directly and pressed his whole body against mine.
His hand where everywhere. I didn't know where my body started and his ended and I didn't care. This moment, our moment, felt so perfect. It felt like flames were tickling my body. I felt so alive, so human, so me. I stroked through Tobias his hair and couldn't get my fingers out of it. His hair felt so soft.
Tobias slowly pulled away and stared at me. His eyes were soft and I could get lost in them if I wanted to. We were both looking for breath.
'I've missed you,' he said. It's been days since we last kissed and that feeling was mutual. I've missed him, too. I've missed him so much.
'I'm so sorry,' I said. I still felt so guilty and tried not to cry. I barely cried and now I couldn't hold the tears back. It was pathetic. I wanted to show Tobias that I was strong. I wanted to be strong for him, but somehow I couldn't do it anymore.
'Hey,' he said while stroking my cheek. 'Don't say that. It's over now, you're here with me and I couldn't be more happy, you know that.' Of course I knew that. I felt his love every day. I couldn't live without his love.
'I love you, Tris.' Even though Tobias said it a lot and I should be familiar with the words by now, it shocked me this time. It must be the guilt. I couldn't fight the guilt. And I know I should let it go, but you know, saying that is easier than just doing it.
'I love you, too,' I said. He smiled every time I said it and it made me feel even more guiltier. I really loved Tobias, that wasn't the problem, I just felt so guilty because of that day. I can't forgot the pain in his eyes when I first woke up in the hospital. I wished I didn't leave him that day. I wished it didn't happen. I had to learn how to live with it. I had to learn to let it go, to give it a place deep down inside.
'Ready to go?' I asked. Everything was already packed, except for the things we needed today like clothes. We were good to go and I couldn't wait any longer.
'I just want to say goodbye to Uriah first before we go.' It was around 9 am and I knew that was the time people began their day, which meant we were forced to see David. David wasn't much involved anymore, probably because of the things that happened and we were glad about that. But we still saw him. Seeing him was terrifying, every time again. He just smiled and said hello, but his eyes were so cold, so murderous.
'Can I come with you?' I asked.
'Of course you can,' He said. 'I actually would have asked you if you hadn't asked me that. I'm kind of scared to go alone, you know, since it's the last time I'll be seeing him.'
His pain was visible through his eyes. Every emotion Tobias tried to hide, shined through in his eyes. The eyes are the mirror of the soul, something my dad thought me. He was right. I could see every emotion in Tobias' eyes, no matter how hard he tried.
Uriah lay there peacefully. I didn't want to see him like this. Uriah was a burst of energy and always wore a smile. This was so unlike Uriah. He was Zeke's little brother and Tobias had the responsibility to take care of him. Tobias cared for him like Uriah was his little brother. I felt his pain and I knew what he was going through. Pain demands to be felt.(Author's note: I had to.)
Carefully, without touching the IV, I grabbed his hand and stroke it softly. Whenever I saw Uriah, I wished it was me instead of him. He didn't deserve this. He had a full life ahead of him.
Out of sudden I felt the tiniest squeeze in my hand. I thought I would have dreamt it. It wasn't possible. The doctors said it couldn't be possible. But I had not dreamt it. I was here, fully attention on Uriah. My eyes moved toward his face and couldn't believe what they saw.