Despite it being my worst, Muggle Studies has always been my favorite subject.

Well, at least it used to be.

Professor Quirrell is reviewing us on the First Law of Motion, which intrigued me just as much as any other muggle concept, but I can't focus. My eyes are on the board, taking in phrases I'm trying to make sense of, but my thoughts are lingering in my peripheral vision, where Remus is taking notes effortlessly.

It's been over a month since our fight at Pomfrey's office and although I loudly disagreed with him, we've fallen into his decision. We haven't mentioned the full moon at all, much less discuss the fact that he doesn't really care if we keep acting like strangers, but we continue to hang out and talk, avoiding trying to be best mates again, until this whole disaster blows over.

But it doesn't blow over. And it feels like it will take forever before it does.

We haven't put any effort into being actual friends again. We're always still around each other, of course, but we haven't had a conversation that requires more than five minutes. We borrow each other's stuff, talk about homework, attend James' Quidditch matches, and settle into the awkward silences during meals. That's our whole friendship – if you can still call it that – now.

Even the full moon a couple of days ago couldn't pierce through the barrier he earnestly built between us. We ran through the woods all night this time because James and I figured that it was healthier for the wolf. At first, I thought that everything would be okay, but eventually, as the night grew older and the wolf grew wilder, every time I ran alongside him, he would growl at me, preparing to pounce. No major injuries were sustained that night, but Prongs still buffered between Padfoot and Moony, keeping us at least a good ten meters apart during the run.

All of our friends have noticed the tension – or lack thereof on Remus' part – and I can feel their annoyance growing along with mine. James has been trying to get us to confront each other, but to no avail. He hasn't yelled at us since Pomfrey's office and has just resorted to dealing with whatever Remus and I are doing by either leaving us alone in the dorm or dropping hints about how Remus needs help with Potions. Neither approach has made much difference, of course.

And although Remus has kept his promise of no longer isolating himself from everyone, which includes him being around Lily a lot again, even her persistent pushes for him to open up to her haven't prevailed at all. Well, that's what I've guessed from all the times I've watched the Marauders' May to see Lily corner Remus when he is alone in the our dorm only to leave shortly after.

Even Frank has gotten the gist of this rubbish silent agreement with Remus, fleeing every time he finds himself alone in the dorm with the two of us.

This deal, or whatever it is, doesn't prohibit us from sitting next to each other, though. The bad part is that I wish it did. I can physically feel the aching pain of regret as I think back to fifth year when I forced him to continue Muggle Studies with me.

Remus then faces me and I hang my head, pretending to be totally immersed in our textbook.

"Do you have more notes from the class I missed two weeks ago?" he asks nonchalantly. I look at him, searching for any hints of the uneasiness I feel. But the longer I stare into his green eyes, the more befuddled I am with the lack of panic in his gaze. How can this be so easy for him?

He breaks my train of thoughts as I stare a few seconds too long. "Sirius. You there?"

"Oh," I say, tearing my eyes away from him. "Nothing. I just…I still can't understand this lesson. It's complicated," I half-lie.

"Well, it's pretty basic. An object at rest will continue to be that way unless it's being acted on by an unbalanced force. It's also the same with moving objects at a certain acceleration and direction. Everything remains at the same state unless acted upon," he recites to me flawlessly. "So, do you have those notes?"

I try to wrap my head around what he just droned on about, but I can't. He's so at ease and so natural with this suffocating formal act. He really droned on without a single trembling lip or tapping finger.

Nodding, I rip out the pages of my notebook containing notes from two weeks ago and hand it to him. He murmurs a quick thanks before returning his attention to Quirrell.

I try to do the same, but it doesn't work at all.

By the time class is over, I am storming out of the room, looking like it's been filled with poison gas. But, considering the situation, poison wouldn't be that far off.

"Sirius, wait!" Remus calls from behind me as I hurry away from the classroom. I breathe in deeply as I try to not think of the last time I heard him say those words.

Pretending like I didn't hear him, I keep walking, squeezing through the moving crowd of students.

"Sirius!" he shouts over the cluster of people again.

Giving up, I brace myself and turn around to see him.

"What?" I say, probably with a bitter tone because I swear I saw him look off guard. Even if just for a little bit.

"Well…You left your notes with me," he replies, unsure, before handing me the page I ripped out from my notebook. "

"Oh. Right." I stuff my notes unceremoniously into my bag. "Well, I should get going to Care Of Magical Creatures," I say awkwardly, pointing a thumb over my shoulder.

He nods slowly. "Yeah...Okay."

I turn around to walk away, but as I do, Remus grabs my arm and I spin around to face him. He lets go of me as I raise my eyebrows at him.

"What?" I practically snap at him.

But he's unfazed. He just matches my serious stare and says, "If you want me to help you out with Muggle Studies, that would be okay."

"Oh, yeah..." I apprehensively agree. "Thanks."

He gives me a small smile and noncommittal shrug. "No problem."

Just as he's about to turn away and head off to Arithmancy, I blurt out, "Wait."

"Yeah?" he asks, probably wondering why I would risk another late on my record for Care Of Magical Creatures.

And I don't know if it's just me returning a favor or a feeble attempt in trying to spend more time with him without sounding too desperate, but I say it anyway. "If you need help with Potions, I guess... that would be okay too."

He narrows his eyebrows, most likely in confusion at my offer, but smiles gratefully eventually. "Thanks."

"No problem."

On my way back to dinner, I decide to stop by the library to borrow a book so I can actually pass Muggle Studies. Even though Remus offered to help me out with it, I can only imagine how short my time with him will be before he decides that he's "forcing" himself to be with me again.

As I enter the library, however, I feel like choking.

Of course, before setting off for the library, I checked on the Marauder's Map if it the place was Remus-free. But forgot to check if it was Slytherin-free. And as much as I can handle Snivellus and his shady-as-fuck group, I've always done my best to turn a blind eye to the fact that as the year continues, Regulus is growing closer to them.

Snivellus, Wilkes, Avery and Rosier were huddled together around the corner table with my brother, whispering in low voices with grim, concentrating looks on their faces that explain why they haven't taken the opportunity to made snide remarks about me actually being in the library. Regulus, the exception, still notices me frozen in the doorway though. He shoots me a begrudging – and ashamed – smile.

I don't budge and hope that he understands when I'm giving him a look that says, What the fuck are you doing?

And obviously, the (what seemed to be) unbreakable connection we've perfected through all the years, before he started to spend time with Snape's crowd, pushes through because he does understand and his forced smile fades. You know I have no other choice, he reciprocates.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't, Sirius. I'm not you.

Reg…Just be careful.

He half smiles to reassure me. I will.

I nod, returning the small smile. Fine.

I turn around and storm off, my heart growing a thousand times heavier with every step.

Regulus used to be as idealistic and adamant as I was. He cheered when I told him bedtime stories when he was nine-years-old about finding good in the world once we break through our family's strangling shadow. He backed me up without fail whenever I had a fight with my parents about their plans for me. When I was sorted into Gryffindor, he wrote back saying that he got into trouble when he told mum and dad that he thought it was "pretty cool that Sirius is different." He even took almost as many hits from father as I did last summer and only stepped down from defending me when she threatened to kick the both of us out. I can still remember the horror on his face when he realized I was serious when I retorted with, "You don't have to, because I'm fucking leaving."

But Regulus is more – no, sorry – was more, than the obedient baby brother who always stuck up for me. He was my baby brother.

He crawled into my bed when he got nightmares. He wrote to me everyday during my first year in Hogwarts. He snuck food into my room on the nights I wasn't allowed to have dinner because of an outburst. He made crayon drawings of me and him when he was ten and even coloured himself in crimson and gold to mirror his drawing of me. He cried and I held him as he did when mother found the drawing and locked him in his room for a whole day. He got detention on his first week of classes and although I was proud at first, I couldn't shake the guilt when I learned it was because he hexed his fellow Slytherin for joking about how he was the little brother of "the sorry excuse for a Black who ended up in Gryffindor." When I left him alone to go to Hogwarts for the first time, he was too happy for me to show his tears and I felt fine because he was optimistic and bright-eyed and I knew he'd be okay.

But when I left him alone to leave the family for good, he was too scared for me to hide his tears and I didn't feel fine at all because he was confused and drained and I knew for the first time, I'm leaving him with something he'll never be okay with.

I try to shake off the memories of that night and the look of hurt and fear in his face when I stormed out the door. It isn't easy, because the painful memories always refuse to leave my chaotic head.

Detouring to an empty classroom, I sink to the floor, my back against the stone wall. My eyes adjust to the darkness of the room as I stare into complete nothingness, as if I can will my mind to empty itself.

Giving up on clearing my head, I light up my wand and take out the Map.

I mutter the incantation and unfold it to find Remus, Peter, Ashwood and Frank in the dorm and James and Lily in the Common Room, making me feel even more alone.

Sighing, I mumble, "Mischief Managed." As the moving markings dissolve into the blank parchment, I let the Map fall onto the floor next to me.

Honestly, I know that if I quit my lonely pity party and went up to the Gryffindor tower to talk to James, he'd excuse himself from Lily without a second thought, but the idea of dampening his spirits of finally getting her to see him as more than an "arrogant toerag" doesn't seem appealing to me. Neither does the idea of disrupting whatever the guys are doing in the dormitory. And the library definitely wasn't an option unless I wanted to have my heart crushed by the sight of my brother being a part of the very thing that made me run away from home.

So I just yawn, remembering that it's been weeks since I have gotten a full night's rest, and before I even gather the energy to stand up and leave the room so I can figure out where to go now, I let the fatigue win me over. I close my eyes.

"Sirius, wake up."

There's something tugging at my robes, which isn't helping the cold seeping into my skin. I hear a distant voice and I feel weightless and weighed down at the same time. My eyelids are heavier than they've ever been and even with the freezing stone floor beneath me, I can't manage to move a muscle.

"Come on, Sirius." Something shakes me as I hear the voice again. Only it's clearer this time and familiar. Remus?

I must have said that out loud because the concerned voice says, "No, you arse. It's James. What are you doing here?"

Opening my eyes gingerly, the ceiling and James' face come into focus. I sit up, still unsure of where I am. Looking around, I see that James is kneeling in front of me and the empty classroom I now remember I fell asleep in. The purplish glow outside the window indicates that the sun is going to rise any minute now.

Blinking away the confusion, or at least trying to, I face James, who has a worried look on his face. He grabs me by the shoulders and stares at me with an expression of mixed anger and concern.

"What the fuck are you playing at, Padfoot?! What are you doing sleeping here?!"

I'm tired and sleepy and I want to tell him that I'm here because I am not okay.

I am not okay with feeling drained and waking up in an empty classroom. I am not okay with the fact that my best friend is giving up on our friendship because of something stupid. But that's not the point. The point is that that something stupid was my fault and he's giving up on me because he probably knows I'm a lost cause who can't and will never do anything right. I am not okay with the fact that I'm dating the nicest and most beautiful girl in school and yet every time I'm with her, I'm in such a bad mood that I'm pretty sure she's contemplating on breaking up with me. I am not okay with the fact that I would completely understand if she did. I am not okay with the fact that my little brother – the person I love the most in the world – is now best friends with the people who are in favour of the war that's going on outside the safety of the castle and that I can literally do nothing to save him from participating in the thing he thinks he has to do. The thing that will get him killed.

"Sirius! Look at me," he commands, the anxiety in his voice growing heavier. I obey, and see his worried gaze, looking even more strained with the bags under his bloodshot eyes.

I'm not okay with the fact that I'm worrying and exhausting the fucking life out of the only family I have left.

"I… I got the schedules mixed up and thought we were gonna prank the Slytherins last night but I couldn't find you. By the time I gave up, I was too lazy to head back up to the dorm and –"

"The Map is with you, Sirius," he deadpans.

I rub my eyes, trying to find a way around this. Lying, I settle for, "I'm okay."

James narrows his eyebrows. "I didn't ask you that."

"You were going to eventually," I counter.

"No, I wasn't. I knew you were going to lie anyway, and I was right. You're the farthest thing from okay," he says without missing a beat.

I sigh, pushing myself off the floor and James helps me up. I look at him and in a defeated voice, say, "If you're going to tell me to just fix everything again, then I really don't need to –"

"Shut up. No, I was not going to say that, I know you need me, so here I am. As much as I want to just tell you what to do, it isn't that easy because I know you've got a lot on your plate right now and –"

"Prongs, mate, I'm fine, really."

"And," he continues anyway, "I'll be damned if I'm going to let you go through this alone."

"It's just the whole Remus thing, Prongs, I'm just –"

"No," he says firmly. "It's also the whole feeling-tired-and-useless-all-the-time thing. The whole I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-Maggie thing. The whole I'm-not-sure-whether-to-feel-mad-or-guilty-about-Regulus-giving-in-to-those-gits thing. Well, I know all of that sucks and it's hard, but I know more than that. I know that you're going to get through this. And until then, you still have the whole James-won't-ever-leave-you thing so –"

Before he can finish his sentence, I fling my arms around him, enveloping him in a crushing grip. He chuckles and hugs me back. I murmur, "I don't know what to do…"

"It's okay," he replies as we pull away.

"Everything's just been so…"

He nods. "I know."

I give him a sad, but grateful smile and he punches me lightly on the shoulder. "It'll be okay," he tells me. "Now, come on. We've got classes in a few hours. I'll skip Herbology with you, if you want, though."

I roll my eyes, snickering. "Wow, what a sacrifice."

"Anything for you, Pads," he chimes, grinning at me.

"I'm sorry, though," I say as we start to walk out of the room. "Have you been looking for me all night?"

"Yes," he says nonchalantly as we make our way along the empty corridor. "Don't worry, though, I had help."

I look at him questioningly, but as if on cue, I hear footsteps echo through the otherwise empty hallways and see Remus rounding the corner, halting as he sees me. "There you guys are!" he exclaims.

I don't know whether to feel scared or relieved.

"How much are you willing to bet he's going to pretend that he wasn't looking for me all night and just woke up to find us not in our beds?" I mutter to James under my breath.

"Oh, come on, Pads. I know he's doing his best to make it out to look like he doesn't care to drive you away but he's not that –"

But Remus is already walking towards us and James breaks off.

"Hey," I say with a forced smile. "Where have you been?"

And, without even a millisecond pause of hesitation, he says, "I woke up and you guys still weren't in your beds so –"

I cut him off, "Right. Okay."

He squints his eyes in fake confusion. "What?"

"Remus..."James starts, but when Remus looks pointedly at him, he lets it go.

"Well, now that I know that you guys are okay, I'm gonna head to the library," he says decidedly and turns around, walking away in his calm exterior. "See you in Herbology!" he calls over his shoulder, before disappearing around the corner.

"Well fuck," James mumbles.

"Tell me about it."

"…It'll be alright, Sirius."

"Let's hope."