Chapter 15: Miscarriages

Author's Note!

Oh look! This one came in early. Enjoy everybody (: AND HAVE A GREAT SUMMER.

"How's our baby, Christian?" My voice was weak, etched with worry and concern for the child. I squeezed his palm and kept feeling at my stomach, as if searching for any forms of life. Christian's expression was grim and bleak, I was so sure that I had lost him. "Ch-ri-stian?" I began to choke on my own tears.

With gentle brushes, he brought his lips down to swipe away my falling tears as he lifted me out of the cot and into his arms, holding me tight against his chest.

"Chr-" Grace began to protest.

"Give us a minute, mom." Christian pleaded, his head against the top of mine as his arms hooped around my thighs.

The room was quiet with the sound of my sobbing as I leaned into his chest, forcing myself to swallow my tears. There was a quiet click of the door and I knew we were alone. Both Dr Greene and Grace had been by my side as I stirred, neither expressions giving way a single thing.

The pain spread through my chest as I realized that my child was gone. It had depended on me to protect him and cherish him, yet, I had let his tiny little precious life slip through my fingers in a heartbeat. A heart beat. Something he now did not have. I wrapped my arms around Christian's neck for support, pressing my eyes into the crook of his neck.

"Ana," Christian was about to say the unthinkable, "Please don't panic... Your stress levels are too high. Calm down, baby." Even in the evenness of his tone, I could still hear the torture behind them. He was going to be the one to deliver the bad news, yet, he was struggling to find the right words.

"I'm sorry..." I whimpered, my words muffled by his skin, "I should have taken better care of myself..."

"An-"

"Pl-ease don't." I cried, the tears falling faster and stronger than the Nigeria Falls could. "Please don't say it..." My eyes were turning sore and I imagine the million of ways I wanted myself to die as a punishment for losing this life. "I can't handle... I can't live through a mis..." My breath cut short as the word tried to leave my mouth. "-carriage."

Christian's arms began to put some distance between us, gently tugging at my arms to release him. Many times I had toyed with the idea of an abortion, to remove this child in a fight to save our marriage. Never would I have thought that I would not have a choice, that my deepest darkest wish had been granted. The irony of it all was that Christian had begun to accept the baby and yet, the folly of me had lost the child.

I would never be able to face Grace again or any other of the Greys for that matter. Kate Kavanagh, most recently Mrs Kate Grey, was the only one I wanted to speak to. She always seemed to know the right things to say. I wanted her by my side. I wanted her now.

In this moment, I hated that I had grown up. I resented that I had gotten married and gotten pregnant, had the chance to have a child but lost it. All I wanted was to go back to the times I myself was a baby in my parents' arms, never having to think of life or death and even being responsible for killing the brittle soul that had been the essence of my child.

"I... R-really wanted..." I choked on my own tears, "M-m-my b-baby."

Even my inner goddess had nothing to say, kneeling quietly by a new tombstone in the darkest of colours, no doubt mourning the loss of who Christian and I had spent so long bickering over.

I felt his lips touch my eyelids and as he pulled away, my eyelids fluttered open. Though blurry, I could see the worry and fear that tainted his beautiful grey eyes... Grey eyes that would have been imprinted in our child's... My breaths came up short and I began to heave, close to hyperventilation.

"Ana?" Christian's voice kicked up a few octaves, his hands coming to frame my face. "I need you to breathe, Ana, look at me."

The emptiness within my chest echoed the hollow within my womb, I felt myself falling into a pit of darkness that began to gnaw me from the inside out. I did not deserve Christian's love, his devotion and care. I had wrecked his life with a child, first by giving him one and then by taking away one.

"ANA!" Christian hollered, realizing that he was losing me as my breaths got shorter and shallower.

Immediately, Dr Greene and Grace burst into the room. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Luke and Taylor hovering by the entrance, anxiously peaking in. "Mr Grey," Dr Greene cautioned, trying to pry me out of his hands, "Please give her to me."

Christian grip tightened and his grey eyes searched mine," Ana please! Calm down, I need you to breathe baby, I love you. Listen to my voice, Ana!" Patches of white marred my vision along the blurry edges.

"Christian, it's going to be too late!" Grace was urgent, her hands coming between both Christian's and my chests.

"ANA THIS IS BAD FOR OUR BABIES!" Christian exploded, shaking me slightly as if trying to wake me from a bad dream. "YOU'RE STRESSING OUR BABIES! PLEASE STOP!"

Baby? Babies? I heard myself think. My consciousness had already begun to float up and away from my body. What kind of sick joke is this?!

"Listen to me, Ana," Christian's warm hands stroked my cheeks, "We have twins."

"T-t-t-" I stuttered, forcing my aching lungs to function normally.

Christian nodded, "Twins, Ana! Growing inside you. Our twins."

"I di-" Confusion swept me like the Red Sea did the Israelites. "Mi-s-c-"

"No baby," Christian cooed, " A threatened miscarriage only. They're still growing. Two, Ana, Two. And right now, they need their mom to breathe." I felt the tears of relief tumble down my cheeks as my breathing began to slow and return to normal.

"Oh thank God!" Grace sighed, stumbling back slightly as Dr Greene caught her.

Christian's smile was what brought me back down to earth, his left palm slipping downwards to caress my abdomen... Still rounded. "Dr Greene scanned you when you came in, Ana, we have twins."

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Grey, your babies are growing well and healthy." Dr Greene said with a genuine smile, one that seemed to light up both Christian and my world.

Even though his hands remained firmly on mine, Christian's beautiful grey eyes gazed lovingly at the growing children on the sonogram machine, as if never wanting to look away. At fourteen weeks, our twins were so peaceful in their bed of water, their thumbs already in their mouths by the looks of it.

We had come a long way over this past month, barely scraping past a threatened miscarriage. The excess stress I had put on myself over work any my constantly turbulent relationship with Christian had almost taken the life of our growing children.

I could still remember Christian's heavily beating heart against my own as he pressed me to his chest like the end of the world was near. It had taken Luke barely two minutes to scramble us to the hospital and right into Dr. Greene's waiting arms. By then, I had begun to spot, dropping both Christian and I into a disarray of panic.

"Mr Grey, I think it's best if you stand back." Dr Greene had suggested, almost a command, wary that he would complicate things.

Christian gripped onto my hands as the doctor sat between my legs, "No chance. What's going on?"

"Mr Grey..."

"I said what?!" Christian pretty much blared.

In answer, Dr Greene removed my underwear and placed them at the table beside us. The seductive white lace Christian had gifted me from Victoria Secret was now stained an angry red. My mind drifted to the idea that some part of my child was now dangling on that fabric. Momentarily, it became too much and I had lost consciousness.

"I must commend your flawless attendance in all pre-natal courses, Mr Grey," Dr Greene laughed, "Instead of merely sending one of your men like you did the first time."

But Christian was barely listening, his mind half way around the world as he watched our child's little heart best ever so slightly. Dr Greene could miss his anxiousness, but I had seen it frame his face for the past few weeks. He had been a loving husband and a cautious father, constantly insisting I visit Dr Greene every alternate day. Best of all, he would always accompany me, whether he was busy or not. That was what I loved best.

"Mrs Grey, you've done a great job recovering from the threat," Dr Greene stated as she began to clean the liquid off my stomach. "But still remember to get ample rest, you know what to eat and what not to eat, especially no work for you."

"Of course." I said, timidly. I even had to give up wearing my high heels for the twins.

"Any morning sickness yet?" Dr Greene asked kindly.

I smiled at her, "Rarely." Christian had made it a point to go into work during the late morning, just in case I had morning sickness. He would carry me to the toilet and hold my hair, stroke and sing to me until I was all better. It was heartwarming. Honestly, I was upset that it did not happen more.

"That's very lucky of you. Well, if there's nothing else, I'll see you two... The following day." She smiled sweetly, "Even though there really is no need, Mr Grey."

I squeezed his hand to bring him back to us, "He needs the reassurance."

"Of course," Dr Greene nodded, "The first pregnancy is always the hardest."

"Thank you, Dr Greene." Christian offered his hand out to her and then began to help me off the chair and onto my feet.

"Thank you, Mr Grey."

We stepped out of the office and into the waiting room where the other two fathers were anxiously staring at the clinic door. With Taylor and Luke as much as companions as they were watchdogs for Christian, it was as if these two Greys were growing up with three fathers.

Christian wrapped his arm around me and drew me into his side as we approached the standing men, "The twins are getting stronger."

Taylor and Luke broke into bright smiles. "Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Grey," Taylor said, Luke's eyes resting tenderly on my baby bump. We had begun to think of names for our boys, to which I had suggested Luke, to which Christian had provided a stern 'No.'

Christian himself locked me into the car seat securely, seizing the middle seat himself so he could still cuddle with me as our men started the car. He kissed the side of my face, "Are you ready yet?"

He was referring to informing both our complete families, except Grace, that we were having children. Until now, I had my resistance towards it. "Christian, I can't even begin to imagine what they would feel if I miscarry."

Even though Christian had barred the good doctor from giving me any negative news, I was still connected to online sources which told me the blatant truth. Majority of threatened miscarriages ended in complete miscarriages. I did not want to take the chance of building up my parents' hope for a grandchild only to kill it. I myself had had gone through the pain.

"Sweet Ana," Christian's voice was soft as a feather against my tender heart, "You will have the babies and besides, I have more..." He chuckled seductively, "...resources."

Despite his seemingly cheery mood, I dipped my head and stared out at the rain. I felt Christian nip my earlobe with his teeth, sending huge waves of pleasure through my body. In normal circumstances, this worship would be okay, but it had been a month since Christian had made actual love to me and my body was sensitized.

Christian was cautious. The doctor had discouraged sex for the time being, to which he had lawfully abided to. It drove me crazy and my sex drive was always out of control, further aggravated by my pregnancy hormones. In addition, sex was hard to think about when your husband is the epitome of sex. Everything, every inch, of Christian Grey screamed sex.

At times, I had been driven out of my mind and when Christian was out to work or when I was taking a shower, I found myself wet in between my thighs. I had never fingered myself before, but desperate times had called for desperate needs, and I had tried it out. It was pleasurable but only temporarily satisfying, I needed the body of Christian Grey to impale me in order to be sated.

I closed my eyes and submitted myself to his teasing, feeling my groin begin to ache. His laughter rumbled my ear and he pulled away. "We're here."

"Christian," I sighed, almost protesting. But I did not want either Luke nor Taylor to hear me beg for sex from their boss, so I obediently allowed Christian to help me out of the car. After the scare, Christian had limited Luke to merely opening the door. He would rather be the one to help me out of the car even though it was really unnecessary.

The lift door shut and I knew I was going to lose it. The metal walls never failed in reminding me how he had slammed me up one and taken me. It had been so erotic and crazed. I swallowed as I felt the heat spread through my body and a dampness introduced itself to my groin. Christian had his arm loosely around my waist, his lips in a playful smile as he clearly understood what this lift did to my sex drive.

I tried to cover it up. Brushing my hair behind my ear, I forced a smile, "No work today?"

When he spoke, his voice sounded extremely low and sexy coarse. Whether it was him doing it on purpose or my mind playing tricks on me, I found my palms beginning to sweat. "I decided to work from home today and keep you company."

"Oh," I said, "Cool cool."

"Are you going to take a nap?"

"Oh, no." I shook my head, feeling all hot and bothered. "I'll probably... Watch some television or something."

"Okay, but change into something comfortable first."

I shot him the most incredulous look I could muster. Everything the man had bought to prepare me for maternity was expensively through the roof. The dress I was wearing right now felt like the finest cotton against my skin. "How is this not comfortable?"

Christian bit the bottom of his lip unknowingly, "Well, I meant something more... Open... You seem rather warm."

So he was aware of my crazed sex drive. I narrowed my eyes at him. I was surprised at how he had gone a month without sex. It was impossible for Christian as he was the type that lived on sex.

That man has wicked self-discipline. My inner goddess rolled her eyes at his control in not touching me.

The lift 'dinged' and I pretty much ran out of the lift in hopes of reducing the discomfort I was feeling. But it was useless. "Do you need me to help you change out?" Christian's voice was too seductive.

"I'm not changing out." I told him, trying to keep my own voice in check.

"Okay," Christian pecked my cheek, "I'll be in the office if you need me."

Of course I needed him! We strolled in opposite directions as I headed for the living room, nestling myself into the couch with its infinite number of cushions. Christian had invested in a pillow company purely so he could get the best quality pillows for me, lining our entire bed with them as well. Dr Greene had only briefly mentioned that pillows would help ease discomfort in later stages of the pregnancy.

"Crap," I sighed under my breath, feeling the moistness in my thighs. Do I need to pleasure myself again? How was that necessary when I had a husband perfectly capable of relieving me? It made me slightly mad and I jumped to my feet, stalking into his office.

Christian was leaning back in his chair, clearly expecting my arrival already. "Please take a seat," He gestured to the cushioned chair In front of his table. I did, the feeling providing me partial relief as it pressed against my groin. "How can I help you, Mrs Grey?"

"I don't feel like a Mrs Grey." I grumbled, folding my arms.

"Oh?" Christian was enjoying himself, resting his elbows on the table and putting his head in between his palms to look at me. "And why is that?"

Under his glare, I crossed my legs tightly, which made Christian's expression turn amused. "You know why!"

Christian shrugged, "Of course I do, but there really is nothing I can do about it, is there?"

"That's bullshit," I whined. "You have an incredible set of man parts you refuse to use." He arched his eyebrow in more amusement, a smile playing across his lips. "I'm starting to wonder if your sex drive died, because I must have missed his funeral."

Christian's mouth popped and he laughed, "No need to be feisty, Mrs Grey... And I assure you that the sex drive is still there, even more so now because of that baby bump of yours that's so... Erotic."

"Huh?"

"Ana, looking at the babies grow inside of you, I feel powerful, like I've created something beautiful... And it drives a primal... Beastial desire for your body within me."

It was my turn to drop my jaw, "Then why don't you take me?"

Playing with me, he smiled, "Take you where?"

I narrowed my eyes at him and rose to my feet. Clearly, I was not going to win. "Fine." I turned my back to him and stalked right out of the office, "I'll just take care of it myself."

"Yourself?" Christian's tone had shifted as I walked into the bedroom, slipping out of my dress. It was a tone of disbelief and slight annoyance as he followed me in, "You... Pleasure yourself?"

I shrugged as I grabbed a soft warm towel that Gail had prepared for my bath, "When your husband refuses to satisfy you, there's little one can do to get by."

"I've never seen you do it." Christian thought I was bluffing. He did not enjoy the idea that I had pleasured myself purely because he had always been the one to pleasure me. He had claimed my sex, even from my own hands. At least he thought he did.

"Half the time you're in your office the other half you're away at work." I headed for the toilet. "And most of the time, I needed sex."

"You do it in the bathroom? Standing up in the shower?" Christian's voice rose a few notches. "Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"In the bed too." I pointed out, stepping into the toilet and stripping myself. "I like living on the edge!"

"Ana..." Christian growled. "You never told me you fingered yourself."

"It just happened. No big deal, women do it all the time." I turned to smile at him, "You can return to work, I won't be needing your services right now."

"My services?" He was in disbelief. "You're gonna masturbate now? In the shower! And you expect me to leave?"

"Why of course," I was pushing all his buttons. "I'm beginning to forget your little man with my slender and long fingers."

And that was it for Christian. In one swift movement, I was in his arms as he carried me towards the bed. He lowered me gently onto the cushions and began to abuse my mouth, his tongue driving me insane as he teased me and nipped at my bottom lip. I could feel him growing between my legs, his groin pressed against mine as I wrapped my legs around him.

Christian bent over me, using his arms to support his weight, as he introduced me to a variety of kissing styles. I linked my hands around his neck and felt his crotch gently grind against mine. All of a sudden, I felt my below quiver and I let out a pleased sigh. Christian pulled away and gawked at me, "Did you just?"

I nodded, "I told you I needed you." I was partially sated. My fingers running down to his groin and holding him in my hand.

Christian chuckled, "No sex, Ana."

I pouted, "Come on. Dr Greene said she discouraged it four weeks ago, the babies won't mind." Christian carried me like I was a monkey, bringing me further up into the bed where more pillows were located. "Please?" I fluttered my eyelids at him, beginning to unbutton his shirt. His eyes fell shut and I quickly finished with his shirt, trying my luck with his pants.

He caught my hands and his eyes opened, a conflicted grey of emotions. "I've got a better idea."

"Let me guess... Celibacy?" I pursed my lips. "I think I just might steal a...Dildo from upstairs, don't you think?"

Christian's jaw dropped. He reached for my stretch mark cream and put a load on his palms, then very carefully helped me sit up. He positioned himself behind me as he began to massage my waist and stomach area. Spreading the cream all around the babies, he brought his lips to my neck and nipped. I let out a moan and leaned into him.

"That's right, baby." Christian growled against my skin.

With intense slowness, Christian let his fingers glide sensually up the sides of my body. Teasing and taunting, he finally made contact with my extremely tender breasts. They had grown since the last time he had seen me naked, something he now appreciated. His moisturized fingers massaged my breasts and I groaned, lost in the pleasure.

"Christian..."

He knew exactly what I wanted, brushing his fingertips against my nipples. The moisture in between my thighs became unbearable and I lifted my arms backwards to hold Christian's face, gripping his hair as he squeezed my nipples. First the left, then the right, then both... Then.. "Aaaahhhh." I let myself go and slunk against his perfectly sculpted bare chest. "I love you, Christian."

"As I love you, Ana." Christian chimed back with a chuckle.

"Why didn't you do this before? Instead of swearing me to complete physical purity for a month!" I pouted angrily, turning around so I could face him.

Christian smiled, "I didn't want to awaken any... Sexual desire within you. I didn't expect you to have a sex drive during pregnancy, Google said so."

"Damn Google." I cursed under my breath. "No sex though?"

Christian shook his head.

"Then how do we satisfy you?" I teased, licking my lips as I stared at his hard on. "Lean back, will you?" I was about to show him just how much of a sex goddess I was in the moment.

Keep holding on; Avril Lavigne

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