Chapter 20: To the moon and back
Author's note!
Okay guys. I've been receiving a lot of reviews about my rating... To be quite honest, I don't know what the ratings mean and what the ratings do actually. Like... What are they for? And um, what should my rating be? Sorry! Thank you. And censoring words is my choice! I don't like them uncouth. Anyway, enjoy this one :) It's oddly longer than usual.
He lunged forward and grabbed me, his hand fastening around my mouth to halt my scream. It immediately created a vacuum in my chest and I gasped for air, my hand reaching to push him away so I could breathe.
"ANA!" I heard Christian holler from downstairs, a strained and panicked yell.
"Shit!" Luke hissed, letting go of me and holding me at an arms length. "What's wrong, Ana?" He demanded to know, his worried eyes scanning mine in search of the problem.
It was then that I begun to cry. The weight of the entire situation and the guilt crashing upon me then and there. I found myself gasping once more, unable to control my sobs as the reality of losing Ethan tore my facade of calm.
Luke's eyebrows knitted together and he pulled me into his chest, attempting to soothe me. I keened softly and turned slightly to wipe my eyes against his sleeve. "I'm so sorry Ana, I didn't mean to scare you." He whispered into my ear, "I was doing a sweep of the apartment... I should've called your name first... I'm sorry... Don't cry."
Right on cue, the row of doors swung open and heads of the Grey family popped out in worry. Even Kate had her head sticking out, awoken from the sleep that I had spent ages helping her achieve. Christian burst into the corridor, Elliot and Taylor hot on his trial. "ANA!" His gaze softened upon seeing me, all his nightmares that had became real evaporated in the same second.
Luke cooed into my ear, patting my gently as Christian strode over purposefully. "What's the matter?" He asked, seizing me from Luke and hiding me under his wing.
I wrapped my arms around my stronghold, knowing that whatever I faced, he would be my constant protector. I was safe in his arms. Christian was the lighthouse guiding me home in this turbulent storm that was just shaking my boat.
"She's just on edge." Luke explained quietly as Christian kissed the crown of my head lovingly.
"Hey bro, I think you should take the night off." Elliot muttered from a distance, "Your little lady needs you."
"Sir, rest assured that we will have everything under control." Taylor reassured his boss.
Without another word, Christian lifted me into his arms like I was a newborn baby. I rearranged my hold, looping my arms around his neck and hiding my face in the crook of his shoulder. "Have a good rest, everyone." He said firmly, then turned and began walking.
"Ana, baby." Christian nuzzled the top of my head. "You are safe." There was a strong promise in his words. "You will always be safe in my arms. I'll never let anyone hurt you."
The familiar scent of jasmine coaxed me to look up, finding myself in our bedroom once more. Gingerly, Christian lowered me onto the bed and enfolded me in his arms. Pulling the covers over the both of us, Christian warmed my arms with his and kissed the soft spot behind my ear, "You really frightened me, sweetheart."
That only made me cry harder. The guilt laying upon me like the blade of the gallows. It seemed like all I did was create problems. I had stolen a brother, driven a couple apart, forced men to work tirelessly on finding a mistake I had committed and most recently, pained my husband. Nothing was right. How could I be a mother when I couldn't even get the reigns on my own life?
"I died a million deaths when I thought y-" Christian choked on his words, his arms fastening around me like a death grip. "I don't think I can let you leave my side ever again."
In response, I shifted in his lap so I could wrap my arms around him once more, pressing my lips against his neck. "It's alright, Ana." Christian tightened his grip around me once more, "Do you wanna talk about it, love?"
I shook my head. Talking would only make me feel more pitiful. I hated feeling so helpless. I knew I was making mistakes, continuously committing mistakes, but yet, I did not know what was wrong. I could not correct the problem within myself and it had spiraled to the extent that it was now hurting others. Others that I loved so gravely. I thought of Ethan and what we shared, knowing that I may never get the chance to be with him once more. Yet, it was my fault... I had barred myself from that chance by my own errors.
"Barney screened everybody who entered and exited the bar." Christian began.
It shocked me and I pulled away to look at him. He was willingly sharing this?
"Ah," His face brightened up instantly and his fingers came to brush my tears away. "There's my beautiful Ana."
"Don't stop talking..." I whimpered.
"Always hungry for information, aren't you?" He pursed his lips in mock annoyance. I stared up at him expectantly, willing him to continue. Wrapping an arm firmly around my waist, he pressed his lips against my head once more. "I want to protect you."
"I can't be protected if I don't know what's going on." I retorted, fighting my case. "I've got to know who to watch out for and who to keep an eye on, Christian."
"Ignorance is bliss, especially when you're concerned." Christian shook his head at my eagerness,"You have a shred of self-preservation and I won't let you gamble on our children's lives."
I was going to be obdurate on this matter, "More so, I have to protect my children."'
"Our children." he corrected. "Ana, I will protect all of you, no matter what happens."
It was time to lure it out of my protective, yet incredibly sweet, husband. Twisting in his grip, I placed both my palms on either side of his face softly. His eyes were the same beautiful grey, yet, tormented with the happenings he could no longer control.
"We're like sitting ducks in this fortress." He pouted. "I don't know if keeping you here would be better or..." He groaned at the uncertainty and ran his fingers through his hair.
I understood what he meant. We could either sit here in our fortress, where we were in a familiar surrounding to ensure we could protect ourselves or move from place to place to thwart a planned attack. It was difficult to defend ourselves when we did not know who the enemy was. All we knew was that whoever he or she was, I was the target. Deep down, I knew I could protect the Greys if I turned myself in.
But you are a Grey and you are carrying a Grey! My inner goddess chided at me.
"What is it, Ana?" Christian's voice was serious, deadly even.
I shook my head at him, "I brought this upon you and your family."
Christian sighed, "You are apart of our family and we will stand together in times like this."
"But it's my fault." I whispered, "I hurt Ethan... Mia... And you. How do I deserve any of this?"
Christian pursed his lips. "Why do you feel this way? Have I done anything to make you feel this insecure?"
I pulled away from him, my mind snapping. How could I ever have thought Christian Grey was incapable of love? "NOTHING!" I blustered, "You've been perfect!"
His eyebrows knitted in confusion at my words, unable to find where he could blame himself for my demise. It only made me feel worse. He always failed to see my flaws, believing the problem to stem from something within him.
"Christian, I'm the problem!" I sounded exasperated for him to see, for him to realize that he was the angel here. He had always been. My guardian angel. "I walk all over you, kiss Ethan," he flinched" toy with both of your feelings, hurt Mia, get Ethan kidnapped, break Kate, put your entire family under house arrest and YET!" I throw my hands up in the air, "YOU'RE. STILL. HERE!" I was in complete disbelief.
"You don't want me to stay?" He looked alarmed, his hands immediately reaching for me like vines in search for sunshine. Except, he got it wrong! I'm the vines, I'm the vines hungry for the sun that was Christian Grey. He gives and gives and I take and take, yet, he was still here.
I shook my head at him with a rather sad smile, "That's the thing," I sighed, "I love you and never want to let you go."
"Sounds like a fairy tale to me." He smirked, a naughty twinkle in his eyes as he stroked my palm.
But I needed him to see this. "Christian, I don't deserve you. Can't you see that?"
His smile vanished, his face a mask of seriousness once more. "No, Ana, I can't."
"You'd have a happy little sister with a perfect brother in law, a sister in law with a brother, an entire family safe from harm and you..." I stroked his jawline softly, "you... You'd be married to a wife who loves you, who was always faithful, who will always obey you and... Your children will have a mother they can respect and love for eternity come."
I watched as his eyes grew distant, observing the family portrait I had painted for him. It must have impacted him, because his posture softened. Sadness blossomed within me as I acknowledged that this was the family Christian deserved, a broken boy who was now fixed will thrive in a complete and whole family. The first of my tears trickled down my cheek as I turned my face away.
"No, Ana." Christian beckoned, catching my chin and wielding me to look into his sea of grey. "You're the only one for me. You love me. You're faithful, I'm the one who wasn't... I'm the one who allowed you to lapse into Ethan's arms. So that point is moot." He smiled a gentle smile, "You're obedient in just the right amount and our children will love you, because I know you'd make a great mom. I would have blossomed if you were my mom."
"Christian..." I muttered, my heart warmed with his undying and unwavering love.
"Yes, Mrs Grey," He whispered, pulling me into his embrace once more as he kissed me passionately."I love you too."
It was all I could do to smile at him.
"Now stop asking me to imagine a life without you," He growled at me playfully, "Because Ana, there is no life if you're not in it."
"You're one sexy man." I laughed, grabbing him and desiring to test out his kissing skills once more. He moaned into my mouth, his arms cradling me like I was a child.
Then, he lifted himself off me once more, his grey eyes driven. "Didn't you want to hear what the men found?"
I nodded at him, my sex drive placated for once.
"But we will sleep after this. Promise me, Mrs Grey." Christian lifted his eyebrows.
"No... Ruffling of the sheets?" I pouted, my inner goddess shining through me.
I was rewarded with one of Christian's blinding smiles, he leaned back seductively, "Oh... we'd ruffle them until Mrs Jones has no choice but to change them."
Everything south of my navel quaked in anticipation.
"You're distracting me."
"Yes, I am." I laughed. "Not deliberately. Go on, I'll be good."
"Mia entered the bar alone." He was talking. I sat up straight and listened. "The team monitored everybody who entered and exited the bar, but there was nobody particularly outlandish to peak our attention." He sighed and shook his head, "But there was a man."
A man?! I heard myself gasp.
"He had been sitting there since lunch. So we had not suspected him at first. He chose the seat that allowed his back to face the cameras and he watched Mia for awhile."
I felt an unwelcome shudder scratch itself up my spine. "You couldn't see his face?"
"No," he snarled, "The punk kept his face buried under a cap. But we don't know for sure... He could've just been a random man in the wrong place at the wrong time checking out my sister... He left shortly after Mia did, but then again, it was late and a normal person would have gone home."
Christian was crumbling before me, second guessing himself like never before. He had nothing concrete to hold onto, and his calm was slipping faster than I could catch. Pouncing on him, I secure my arms around his neck tightly. Surprised by my attack, Christian twisted so I was under him. "I love you, Mr Grey." I reassured him. "I love you to the moon and back."
A gorgeous smile lit up his face as the beloved Christian returned, replacing the tormented one. "I love every inch of you, Mrs Grey." He leaned in, his nose bumping against mine, stroking mine at a loving pace. I relished his touch, feeling like the most blessed woman on this earth.
The sleep drained from my system and my eyes began to open. It did not surprise me that it was still dark outside. I had already had a good sleep before the entire drama fell upon us. It was Christian who needed a rest... Turning to him, I observed as he slept as deeply as a child. I hardly got the opportunity to watch him sleep as he was usually in bed after I was and up before I was. A small part of me desired to record this on tape, but I knew how truly creepy that would be.
Christian was like a Greek god carved out of alabaster stone, his jaw so ruggedly sharp and skin so delectably smooth. I resisted the urged to run my fingers through his stubble, desiring for him to sleep in a little longer. Sleep could be his only escape from the chaos surrounding us. Atleast until sun rise. Twisting, I caught sight of the bed side clock. It was 5.40AM in the morning.
Quietly, I let myself out of the room. I wondered if Taylor and the men were still up and outside, cracking the impossible code to locate our man. If they were, I could make them some supper... Or early breakfast, at least as a sign of gratitude. Once again, the feeling if guilt lay itself upon me and I tried to shrug it off. Whoever who was doing this was a psycho. I had never done anything to harm anyone.
My inner goddess rolled her eyes at me in disbelief. Bitch, please.
True enough, I see Barney still on his computer, jabbing away at it like a mad man. All the MacBook laptops were open around the dining table, codes running through each and everyone. However, only Barney was still up. The rest of the men were passed out, splaying along the chairs in exhaustion. Poor things.
"Barney." I called softly.
He jerked up in his seat and look at me, his eyes red at the corners. Ah crap. "Mrs Grey." He said softly, trying not to wake the others.
I smiled meekly at him and waved, "Can I get you anything?"
Barney looked dead-panned. "No thank you, Mrs Grey."
I nodded at him. I was still going to get him some milk or wine or something. "No... Thank you." I said.
He returned a soft smile, "We'll catch this bastard."
"Yes we will!" I shot him an air hi-five and bounded towards the kitchen.
"What the hell!" Screeched Mia, a hushed screech. Her voice shocked me at first but then I adjusted myself to the scenario. She was trying to get the microwave to start.
Trying not to startle her, I walked towards her until she noticed me. "Need some help?"
Mia gave me an icy glare, "Haven't you helped enough?"
Alright. That was it. This was it. I cannot take anymore of this bickering and bantering for the rest of my life. I had married Christian Grey and his family came along with the deal. I was going to make this work.
"Mia, I'm sorry." I tried for the umpteenth time.
That has never worked. My inner goddess chided.
"Your apologies are hot air." She snapped, folding her arms. "What else do you want to take from me?"
Take? I sighed inwardly. "Nothing, Mia."
"That's right," she smirked. "You already have everything that belonged to me."
Oh lord, I begged, searching for divine intervention. I had to make up with Mia somehow. Straighten this crap that I had wrinkled out! Suddenly, the sapphires on her ears glint in the light and she reached to tug at them subconsciously.
Bingo, my inner goddess mouthed.
"Ethan's love for you knows no bounds." I started, before she could add a snarled remark, I persisted, " I know for one, that those ravishing earrings you keep playing with..." Mia flushed and stopped rolling them about with her fingers. "Were given to you on your birthday because they reminded Ethan of your eye color."
Her mouth popped open in surprise.
"I was more of Ethan's confidante and dating advisor than what you think I was." I smiled at her, "He tortured himself over what to get you, he kept telling me," I slipped into my Ethan impersonation mode, "Ana! I have to blow her away! It has to be corny and cheesy and crazy all in one present!" It made Mia laugh, the first time in a long time, and I found myself laughing along with her.
She covered her mouth, "That's true. He presented the earrings and said, I know I'm corny and cheesy, but I'm crazy about you."
It did not surprise me at all. Ethan knew how to impress, not in the Grey way, but in his adorable little cheeky way. "Yeah, he's crazy about you alright."
We stood there in the kitchen, just smiling fondly at each other for a long while. Finally, I decided to cut to the chase,"We both want to move on, Mia. But we can't if you keep insisting we hang back."
She sighed, the smile still hanging at the edge of her lips. "I know."
"I love your brother to the moon and back," I smiled at the memory of Christian's words. "To the moon and back, to the moon and back, to the m-"
"Okay okay!" She giggled, lifting her palms up to placate me. "I get it! You love my big bro."
I nodded at her, "What Ethan and I had was in the past. He's with you now."
Mia stared at me impassively, "But you miss each other..."
"Th-" I began to argue.
"No, don't." She shook her head at me. "I see it in his eyes and I see it in yours. But tonight, I saw it in Kate's eyes too."
"Kate?"
"All along I thought it was some romantic lure, sexual desire for the other of some sort... But I was wrong." She admitted quietly. "It's beyond that. What you and Ethan had in the past has shaped the both of you, and just like Kate and you are inseparable... I know that Ethan means just as much as Kate does to you."
I wanted to tell her she was wrong. That Ethan and I were nothing more than mere friends. But I would be lying through my teeth. We had history. There were so many times I had crashed and burned and he had caught me, saving me from myself. Similarly, I had been there for him through times of need. He had just become my best friend, someone concrete I held on to.
"But I hated you because... I... just can't live up to you."
"Live up to me?" I could not conceal the surprise in my voice.
"Ana, you're perfect. You exude a standard that has ensnared as great a fly as Christian where many before you have not." She pursed her lips, "And I can't live up to that... I guess you don't understand because Christian has never had any ex girlfriends, so it's difficult to have that constant insecurity that you're not enough."
Was she kidding! If only Mia knew about the streak of girls Christian had banged, who were all able to give him something I could not. Even worse, they were replicas of me, better versions even. I lived in constant insecurity, I was inadequate to have Christian at all. But of course, I could not tell her that.
Instead, I reached for her hand and smoothed it between my palms. "You don't have to live up to anybody else's standards," I told her, "Be yourself because only you are good at being you. Besides, that's who Ethan fell in love with, isn't it?" I stroked her palm, "Mia, you are unique in so many ways and if anyone tells you different, I will seriously mess them up!" She laughed a little. "That's if your brothers don't get to them first." I winked at her.
"Ana," her voice was suddenly timid. "I'm sorry."
Huh? I staggered back slightly. Why would Mia be apologizing?
"Earlier," she rubbed her shoulders as if she was cold, "What I said..."
"It's alright, I know you didn't mean it." I tried to help her along, to ease the pain of apologizing.
Her blue eyes flashed up to meet mine, saturated with guilt. "That's the thing. I meant every word."
Holy fuc*.
"I was just so angry at you, I have been for such a long while now that I see red when I see you." Somehow, in a twisted sort of way, I knew how she felt. Fuc*ing hell, I've become Elena in their relationship. "But when you screamed just now... And dad and I thought you were taken... I just..." She choked on her words and shook her head, despising herself.
"It's alright, Mia." I heard myself say.
"No it's not!" She waved me away, "I'm a horrid person. I wished you dead and for an instant there... I thought you were... It was... So painful... And I remembered how much I loved you and how we used to hang out..."
"Is it all in the past tense now?" I tried lighten the mood, teasing her gently.
"I sure hope not." She gave me a coy smile.
I reached for her and pulled her in for a sisterly hug, "Then it's not. We'll hang out."
"Can't believe I let a boy get between us." She blustered.
"Not just a boy. He's Ethan." as if the name itself could explain the predicament we were in.
Mia nodded against my chest.
"I promise not to tell Christian you alluded him to a fly." I teased.
"Oh my god. Please!" She begged, squeezing me tightly, and we stood there in each other's embrace for a long while just laughing at our silliness.
I finally had my sister-in-law back, and I was sure as hell going to work my ass off to keep her. There was nowhere else I would rather be, I had a loving family and a loving husband.
Now, I needed to get Ethan home.
A thousand years ; Christina Perri
Chasing Cars ; Snow Patrol
I'm still here; James Newton Howard
10,000 reasons ; Rend Collective Experiment
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