I'm so glad I could update this week, even if this chapter is shorter the others. Enjoy!

"Yes," James replies in a heartbeat. He has a relieved, but small, smile on his face.

I try to grin back, but I can't. It's as if there are anchors dragging the corners of my mouth down. It feels impossible to even act positive now. Everything has just been piling onto my brain and fumbling for a trigger. A trigger for the very last bits of me keeping myself together to collapse helplessly.

"Thanks," I mutter. "But if you want me to help you find Evans' luggage first, then –"

"Shut up," he says, shaking his head. "You before anyone else. When are you going to learn that?"

Before I can reply, he grabs my wrist and starts dragging me forcefully enough for me to almost trip.

"Come on, let's go," he says over his shoulder, tugging me along.

At least I haven't lost everything.

If we weren't in the middle of the war and there were more students spending their holidays here in school, the Astronomy Tower would be housing at least one couple snogging passionately in the shadows, or bored students lounging around. But there are only around twenty students left in the castle – more than half of whom are O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. students who are all probably in the library – so James and Ihave our place to ourselves.

Our place because this is where we planned our first prank together which, ultimately, landed us our first detention. We were sprawled on these floors the midnight we came up with the idea of creating theMarauder's Map. When he showed me the Invisibility Cloak in our first week as students and he said we could share it, this is where we ended up talking our way into our first of many all-nighters. This is where I laughed at him when I saw him cry for the first time during fourth year because they lost the Quidditch Cup to Slytherin. When he saw me laugh, he chuckled and punched me lightly on the arm. This is also where he saw me cry for the first time when I stormed away after we were called into Dumbledore's office the day after The Prank. He punched me that time too. Only, instead of my arm, it was my face and it wasn't exactly light. But then again, this is also where he forgave me, when Peter dragged us both up here to finally confront each other.

James leans against the railings next to me as my eyes scan the sky that is now bleeding into a soft orange. He turns to me, crossing his arms. "So, what is it, Padfoot?"

I sigh, shrugging. "I wish I knew," I mumble, then add, "Of course, I know. It's just that... it's one thing after another, I don't know where to begin."

He gives me a comforting smile and says, "You don't have to track where the beginning is, Padfoot. Just tell me what's on your mind right now. I'm here to listen, not to analyze the organization of your thoughts. It's okay."

Easing a little at his reassurance, I nod slowly. "Well," I start, "there's Maggie who I can't figure out at all. I mean, I can figure her out, just not my feelings for her."

He props his elbows back on the railing behind him and raises his eyebrows. "What do you mean? I thought you really like her?"

"Oh, I do," I reply. "She's smart, she's sweet, she's funny. I like her and I really care about her. We haven't even done anything... you know. And usually, I would have by now because every relationship I've had has been mostly just physical. However, with her, it's more emotional and all that crap, because she's great. But it just feels more dangerous because with the way I feel when I'm with her – happy and unburdened - it's just starting to feel like I'm turning her into a distraction. As if that's the reason why I cling to her. And you know me, the more distracted I get, the harder I crash when the illusion lifts."

James looks down at his feet, apparently taking in what I just said, then peers at me. "Maybe you're just reading too much into it, Pads. I mean, being with someone is supposed to make you feel good. It's not some trick of the eye. She's just a part of your life that makes you happy. It isn't a flaw to want someone who makes you feel amazing, even in the darkest of circumstances. My mum's always said that when you really, really like someone, the attraction can make you deaf to the loudest explosions and blind to the greatest wars."

He pauses, looking a bit confused, then continues, "Well, I usually don't pick up the rubbish she reads from those romance novels, but I definitely got that. I mean, it's how I feel whenever I see Lily. She barely even gives me any attention, but she still makes me feel wonderful enough to be oblivious of my troubles for a little while and I'm not going to deny myself the joy just being around her brings. I'm not gonna feel guilty about the fact that loving her so much is enough to make things okay – even if just for a little while. And you shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling good around Margaret either."

Groaning, I have to admit that he has a point. He makes perfect sense, I can't just be feeling bad about her effect on me. "Then why I do I feel so wrong whenever I'm with her?"

"Maybe it's not that she's distracting you from everything," he says thoughtfully, his brow creasing as he considers the words he's giving me. "Maybe it's that she doesn't distract you enough for you to forget them when you're with her. Maybe at the back of your mind, you're holding onto your problems when you should be focused on her... What is she distracting you from, anyway?"

Hesitating, I look at him, hoping that he'll say something like 'Oh, you don't have to answer that'. But he doesn't, and just stares at me expectantly, urging me to go on.

"The war," I finally mutter.

His face, although already serious to begin with, falls a bit. Then tentatively, he says, "It's Regulus, isn't it?"

I nod, and before I can bite my tongue to stop myself from revealing too much, everything rolls off my tongue. "He never even had a chance to be saved from all this mess! All of his friends are pulling him deeper into the bloody dark arts and he has absolutely no one to watch out for him. Mother and father have always been proud every time he did something that was affiliated with dark magic! It's fucking sick."

I don't notice my heavily-heaving shoulders or my rapid breath until James reaches out to squeeze my arm comfortingly. An attempt to calm me down. "That's been going on for a while now, Sirius," he says carefully. "Did something happen lately?"

"You remember the front page news the day after classes were out for Easter holidays? The one on the Daily Prophet Madam Pomfrey showed us when we sitting by Remus' bed?"

He narrows his eyes, uncertain of what I'm saying. "Yeah. The Death Eaters that attacked a muggle village to claim hostages so that they could use 'em as a bait for the Aurors they want to recruit for their own... Why?"

Then, barely audible, I say, "Reg was one of 'em."

But James hears me perfectly, his eyes widening. "What?! But he's just a kid! He's sixteen, for Merlin's bloody fucking sake! I mean, I know that he's been involved, but hanging out with Snape's lot and attacking muggles are two different things! Why was he even there? Usually, when it comes to public attacks, it's only the official Death Eaters who –"

He breaks off, seeing the tears forming in my eyes. I blink rapidly, keeping them from falling.

"Is he...?" he asks, trailing off.

He doesn't really need to finish the question. I nod, and mutter, "Yeah. He was branded. I got his letter about it when I left you guys at the Infirmary. Told me everything and said that it's safest if we 'terminate all forms of contact'."

I give a bitter laugh, looking out at the darkening sky. "He's out there right now fighting a bloody fucking war." I can't keep my voice from rising, but I continue. "Reg is fighting in a war! Not only that, but also on the damn side that's stepping all over everything I believe in! The very things drove me out of that stupid house! Gods, why did I fucking leave him?! I knew he couldn't follow me out...

"And now, I can't follow him. I can't fucking watch over him. Do you realize that growing up I was a fucking spoiled brat with duties thrown at him? But there was only one job my parents gave me that made sense to me, James. It was to protect my little brother. But now, for all I bloody know, he's out there getting killed while I have no choice but to stay in this blasted cozy little castle! I HAD ONE JOB AND I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING DO THAT. I RAN AWAY FROM MY LITTLE BROTHER! I RAN AWAY FROM THE PERSON WHO NEEDS ME THE MOST. MY PARENTS ARE ABSOLUTE SHIT BUT MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT ABOUT ME. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I'M GOOD FOR NOTHING AND I –"

James places both hands on my shoulders, his eyes consumed in panic, as he tries to steady me from my outburst. "Sirius, calm down –"

I grab his wrists, prying them off me. "CALM DOWN? MY BROTHER IS OUT THERE KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN?!" I yell at him, glaring spitefully, then turn around to leave.

Then, he catches me off guard. "Yes, I'm telling you to calm down!" he shouts, grabbing my arm. He spins me to face him, but I just look out at the horizon where the sun is sinking as he continues. "You can yell about your brother and your family and the war all you want. But the moment you start blaming yourself, that's when I have to fucking stop you! None of this is your fault! You walked out not just to save yourself, but to save the people you could have hurt if you stayed! I know this sucks for Regulus, I know it's dangerous for him. But if you hadn't left, he still would've been stuck in this mess. The difference being, you'd have the fucking Dark Mark too! You'd be out there harming innocents! I know you love your brother and that you want to protect him, but you were right to leave, Sirius. You're wrong, he did have a choice. He could have left too, but he wasn't as brave as you and that's not your fault. It isn't. None of this is! We're all going to be part of the damn war eventually and we're all fooling ourselves if we think that the side we're battling for is something we can't decide for ourselves."

"No, but, I –"

"You didn't do anything!" James exclaims, throwing up his arms in frustration. "You're blaming yourself because you're too much of a good person to admit that you're mad at your brother too. You're mad that he didn't leave with you. You're mad that he won't let you look out for him. You're mad that he never had your guts to say no to those monsters! And you're so confused and lost because you aren't sure whether you're more mad or heartbroken. But Padfoot, you can be both. Just don't blame yourself, because you are the bravest person I know."

"I..." I start helplessly, trying to find words to say, but I can't. James is right. "You're right," I mutter, echoing my thoughts. "It's just so frustrating that I never see him anymore. That I can't ever talk to him again. He's always surrounded by those shady lil' pricks who'll tattle if they ever see him with me, and he could get into trouble. And it's really not helping that I need him on my side more than ever. With everything that's going on, I just can't help but feel so screwed over by life whenever I see that I'm losing him. I know I was the one who walked away, Prongs. I know that. But that doesn't mean it doesn't fucking break my heart to see him like this. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Am I required to answer that?" he counters, with a knowing look in his eye that shows that he understands that I don't want him to answer that. That I know I can't do anything about him and that I should focus on how I deal with myself.

"No," I say finally, smiling sadly. "But you're required to stay here a little bit longer."

He looks at me like I'm stupid for even asking at that. And I do feel stupid, because this is James, and if anyone was ever to stay a bit longer for me, it would be him.

Rolling his eyes at the fact I had to ask him to stay, he says, "Of course."

"Thanks," I mumble, looking out at the dimming sky. "For setting me straight. I needed that."

He chuckles, "Obviously, Padfoot."

Miraculously, I smirk with him. We watch the sun go down and the darkness swallow the daylight before I speak again. "You really think I'm that brave?"

He snorts, "Are you kidding me? You think that the Black heir getting sorted to Gryffindor and causing a castle-wide scandal was for nothing?"

I laugh. "Always thought the Sorting Hat just wanted to mix things up a little bit. It must be boring to just sit in Dumbledore's office the whole year. Pretty sure he would have had some kind of satisfaction knowing he caused mayhem."

He grins at me, nodding his head in mock consideration. "Well, that's something you two have in common."

I roll my eyes, and punch him lightly as we lean against the railings, watching the stars become more and more prominent as all form of light vanishes in the horizon. We settle into another round of silence again before I talk. "Bravest person you know? Seriously?"

He smiles, his bespectacled eyes still scanning the view. "Yeah, whatever, don't flatter yourself. Of course you're the bravest I know." Then, he adds, "Well, you and Moony."

I shift uncomfortably at the mention of Remus and glue my eyes back to the sky, but of course, James still notices. "Oh, Padfoot..."

"I knew you were going to bring him up," I mutter, not looking at him.

"Well, I thought he was what you needed to talk about when you said you needed to speak with me."

"You knew, didn't you?" I ask, bracing myself for the answer.

He pauses, and looks at me cautiously. "Yeah."

"How long has it been?"

"He's been in love with you for three years, four months... um, what day is it? Oh yeah, three years, four months, and eight days."

I sigh in exasperation. "I meant how long have you known, you idiot."

He chuckles, a look of comprehension on his face. "Ohhh... Well, in that case, three years, four months, seven days and twelve hours."

"He told you after half a day?" I ask incredulously.

Shrugging, he says, "What can I say? He seemed pretty sure about what he felt and just needed half a day until he was certain enough to ask me about it."

I shake my head in disbelief. "Can't believe you never told me."

"Can't believe you didn't know," he counters. "He's crazy about you, Pads. The way he looks at you –"

"Stop," I say firmly. "Just... Just stop."

"You need to deal with him. You need to fix this."

"I know."

"He needs you."

"I know."

"...You need him more."

"I... I know."

Preview: "And hell will freeze over before I can ever - will ever - love him."