Chapter 10

Neither Jarrod nor Nick was willing to back off, and Heath thought maybe they ought not to. Maybe they needed to face this down, now that the truth had come out. Nick's anger was based on his not being important enough to do anything about Mayville, and he was not important because their Father kept him from the action, because Jarrod was in it.

But suddenly, it was Nick who backed away. Suddenly, everything he had just said sounded so stupid he couldn't believe it. And yet, that was the way he'd felt all these years, without admitting it to himself or anyone else. Now that he'd actually said it out loud, he couldn't reconcile how much his feelings meant to him with how stupid it was that they did.

"I'm sorry," Nick ended up saying, wandering back to the window that overlooked the alley.

"Why?" Jarrod asked.

"Because I've blamed you for keeping me from being important in the war, and now I think that's as dumb a thought as I ever had in my life."

Jarrod was stunned. He didn't know what to say.

Heath did. "And you've been beating men up just to prove you're not worthless."

Nick looked at Jarrod, nodding. "You had your job and I had mine, and I did mine. I wasn't at Mayville because I wasn't supposed to be at Mayville, and that wasn't anybody's fault. I was just doing my job." He heaved a big sigh and grumbled, "I'm an idiot to think I could have stopped it even if I'd been there."

"All I ever heard, Nick," Jarrod said, "was that you always did your job, and you did it well, and that had nothing to do with me. There's not a damned thing for you to feel guilty about or angry about."

"It's still kinda hard to stop," Nick said, shaking his head.

"It's just a habit, an addiction even," Jarrod said. "Now you know you have it, you can work on getting rid of it. It takes work."

Nick nodded. "It won't go away overnight. It won't go away in time for me to go see Mother."

"I've still got mine following me around, too," Jarrod said, "but I'm going to go see Mother anyway. Let's do it together. We don't have to stay. They won't want us to anyway."

Heath said, "I'd like to tell Mother we're coming on the early train the day after tomorrow. You'll need some time to clean up, Nick."

Nick nodded again. "A hot bath, a haircut, a shave – they sound pretty good."

"And a bed in a good hotel rather than a cot in a cell," Jarrod said with a smile.

Nick smiled, too. "That sounds very good."

XXXXXXX

They spent the evening talking more, talking a lot, even when it seemed like that should have run out of things to talk about. When Nick got out of jail the next noon, his brothers took him straight to the best tonsorial parlor they could find. Nick had a long, lovely bath, a good haircut and a great shave. He thought he had never felt so good in his life.

The whole operation took more than two hours. Heath and Jarrod took part of the time to send wires home – Jarrod sending one to Eloise to update her on their plans, Heath sending one home to Victoria.

Victoria got Heath's telegram just before Eugene came in from the field. Audra was there when the runner came. Victoria was so engrossed in the message she didn't notice Audra was looking over her shoulder.

Heath's message read, Will be there tomorrow with J and N. Both OK. Just a visit. Heath

"No," Audra said flat out.

Victoria was close to tears, to think that her lost sons would be here tomorrow, and she was shocked to hear Audra say what she did. She turned toward her daughter. "Audra – "

"No!" Audra said again. "I don't want to see either one of them! If they're going to be here, I'm going to be in town!"

"Audra, they won't be staying," Victoria said.

"I don't want to see them, Mother," Audra reiterated. "I don't have anything to say to either one of them, and I don't want to hear what they have to say, either."

"Why not?" Victoria asked.

"Why not? After what Jarrod did to me? After Nick running off like he did? How can they possibly say anything that I want to hear? How can they possibly say anything that YOU want to hear?"

Victoria shrugged a little. "How will I know until I hear them say it?"

Audra tried to leave.

Victoria took hold of her arm. "I won't force you to stay and see them, but I wish you would. It would mean the world to me."

Audra saw the tears in her mother's eyes and couldn't believe what she was seeing. "You're crying for them? Mother, how in the world can you shed tears over those two? They shamed you. They hurt you. They hurt all of us, and the probably hurt Father the most. How can you even let them in this house?"

Victoria considered her response carefully. Audra had good questions. How could she even want them around? How could she even let them into the house? There was really only one answer. "They're my sons, Audra. When your child goes wrong, you want to do everything you can to get them back right again. I can't even begin to do that until I see them and talk to them, and Audra, this may be the very last time I will ever see them."

Audra still didn't understand her mother. "You tried to save them before, Mother. It didn't work."

"That was ten years ago," Victoria said. "Maybe now they know why it didn't work. How will I know what they know or who they are now if I don't talk to them?"

"Well, don't ask me to do it," Audra said. "I'll be in town tomorrow at the orphanage. At least I can do something worthwhile there."

Audra walked away, toward the library. Victoria knew her daughter was probably going to scream her head off in there, furious that her mother was choosing her two wayward hurtful sons over her. Victoria knew she was risking a rift between her and her daughter, just because she wanted to see her sons who hurt everyone in the Barkley family so badly. But Victoria couldn't help it. She had to know what had happened to Jarrod and Nick. She had to know if they were all right now. She had to see them, even if they weren't all right. She knew that after this, she might never see them again.

XXXXXX

The brothers spent the evening in one of the finer saloons in town, talking, getting to know one another, figuring out how the next few days were going to go. They really weren't able to pin down much of anything but they were able to bolster each other's courage about what was going to happen in Stockton. Jarrod did not drink any alcohol, but he kept an eye on his brothers and made sure they did not overdo, which didn't hurt their feelings either. Heath did not want to be hung over when they went to Stockton the next day, and while Nick thought maybe he did want to be drunk tonight, he decided not to do it.

Nick was probably the most nervous about going to Stockton. Sure, Jarrod had a lot to be nervous about, coming back after being thrown out, but Nick knew the fact that he had snuck out in the middle of the night was something he was going to have to face up to and apologize for. Over the years, he had decided it was a cowardly thing to do, but he never could bring himself even to write and apologize.

"Try not to lose any sleep over it," Heath said when he realized how nervous Nick was about it. "With all we have to talk about when we get home, that might just get lost in the mix, or at least not be more important than anything else."

"Home," Nick said thoughtfully, staring into a glass of whiskey. "I wonder if I'm gonna consider it home when I see it again."

"Maybe you will, maybe you won't," Jarrod said. "I have a home now, with my wife in Sacramento. It might not feel much like home to me, now that I have one of my own."

"But I've been drifting and getting into trouble," Nick said. "If home is some kind of anchor, that house near Stockton is the only one I've got."

"You know, Nick, it's new to me but it's still the only one I've got, too," Heath said. "Just don't go worrying about it. Let it be whatever it is."

Nick grunted, thinking about it, but late that night, still awake in that nice, comfortable hotel bed, Nick nearly got up and took off again. Just thinking about facing that place again, facing his mother and siblings again, was scaring the living daylights out of him. How the hell was he ever going to explain to them why he did what he did?

Especially now that he had admitted the truth to himself, that he was angry because big brother Jarrod had fought in the war and he had mostly stayed behind the lines. He'd been angry with Jarrod, he'd been angry with his parents for getting him the aide position, and he'd been angry with himself for - for what? Accepting a lesser threat to his life because his brother had accepted a greater one? The waste, the waste of anger, the waste of years. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he thought.

The only thing that kept him from running away now was the fact that his horse and tack had been taken by the liveryman while Nick was in jail – he couldn't pay the bill. But then there was also something Jarrod said to him when they parted company for the night. "Don't worry, Nick. I'll shore you up if you start to keel over, and you can shore me up if I do."

It had been such a long time since Nick felt any relationship like that with anyone. Over all these years, he had just drifted. He never made even one friend. The best he did was spend time with saloon girls who were at least company for a few hours. But to have someone look out for him, and trust him to look out for them –

It had been since they were kids and Jarrod had said to Nick that he'd look out for him. But Jarrod didn't live up to that, and maybe that was why Nick never found that kind of relationship with anyone else. But what about now? Jarrod wasn't the man who had gotten thrown out of the house ten years ago. Could he live up to that promise he made to Nick so long ago? Nick really wanted him to. He really, really wanted him to.

Ah, give him a chance, Nick thought. And then he thought, and you better live up to looking out for him, too. Second chances like this don't come along very often. Don't blow it.