A/N: I'm dedicating this story to Adriana, aka AAR1806, after her recent, sudden loss.
Adriana, I know that nothing but the passing of time will bring you relief from your current heartbreak and sadness. Just know that Angie (dtrekker), and your other friends are here for you, to offer comfort if you need them. God bless from your Castle family.
Chapter 11: The Art of Compromise
By some magic of synchronicity, some unvoiced agreement, this time, when the crosswalk signal turns green, they both move from the spot they've been occupying in front of the bodega, stepping off the curb and onto the badly patched roadway together.
The act of walking, whether the forward motion or simple movement, seems to free up their minds and their tongues, and they begin to talk in a way they've never really talked before.
"I used to be terrified that I wasn't good enough for you…that I'd actually be bad for you," Kate confesses, keeping her eyes trained on the sticky, uneven sidewalk up ahead.
"Not true."
She sighs and shakes her head at Castle's knee jerk, trademark rebuttal. His response, as ever, is too forgiving, too optimistic and unequivocal, and given far too freely. All because it's her.
Castle knows this truth as well as his partner does. He gives in too easily because this is Kate, and still he can't get past that fact. Not yet. Because nothing she's done so far has pushed him to the point of no return. A least not yet. There's still room, give, an elasticity in the connection he feels to her. He has limits, or at least he did before he met her, but the parameters have changed, softened, elongated somewhere along the way to accommodate her presence in his life. He hopes to invite her into his fold, and he's willing to bend and stretch as much as it takes to make that happen. He lost the battle with himself over Kate Beckett a long time ago. He'll bear those scars forever. He just hopes they'll fade with time.
"I abandoned you, Castle. Left without a word."
He pulls himself back from the slippery slope her truth beckons him toward and battles on.
"And when you were ready, you came looking for me," he explains, reasonably. Always Mr. Hopeful, Mr. Look on the Bright Side, Steady Eddie, sensible and forgiving to a fault when it comes to his lady detective.
"Right," she murmurs, trying not to let her irritation at Castle's too-forgiving nature show.
"So, I'm gonna assume you still want this, Kate. Since you came back."
Kate heaves out a shuddering breath, somehow better able to confront a terrifying question like this while they walk side-by-side, aimless and free, through the streets of SoHo after dark.
"I'm so tired of holding myself at arms' length. From life. From you," she confesses, gnawing at her lip when she's done.
They've hit the cross street with West Broadway, traffic flowing both ways in front of them as they wait for the signal to change, and Castle uses this moment of stillness to respond to her plaintive sigh, and to reach for her.
"Then…don't. Come here," he says, raising his arm, offering her a spot by his side. He tucks her beneath his wing when she comes close enough. "We'll ease you in," he murmurs, kissing the top of her head.
Kate turns to look at his face, eerily illuminated beneath the corner streetlight's sodium glow, his nose and brow casting dark, menacing shadows across the lower half of his face.
Suddenly, she feels a giggle readying itself to bubble forth from her chest, this tickling jolt of mirth summoned by Castle's absurd word choice. "Ease me in?" she chuckles, dropping her head to his shoulder for a second and swaying against him.
"Yeah. Promise not to foist a full Castle family vacation on you right away."
When he grins, the joy is right there on the surface. That Castle joy she loves so much, the joy that saved her from herself, from a grim future full of darkness, grief, loneliness and bitter frustration. Suddenly nothing is more important than getting this right. She had a plan yesterday to go slow, get herself better, ready, whole again…until she saw him in that bookstore and she finally understood what love meant. And now that she's ripped up that plan, she needs to carry through. No half measures. Castle's future happiness is now in her hands, and that thought terrifies her about as much as it thrills her to try.
She can feel her own heart beating as she turns him to face her, a fast staccato thundering through her chest. She feels as if she can hear his heart too, a steady thud that is so much a part of her it could be coming from the ground beneath their feet.
"But you can't trust me with this. With us. Not by myself."
"I think you're doing great," he says, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear when the breeze whips around them.
"I don't trust myself."
When she looks down at the ground between them, Castle gently reaches out to tip her chin back up with the tip of his finger so that they are looking at one another once more. Evasion is out, no longer an option for either of them. They do this right or not at all.
"Kate, I don't have a choice. A relationship takes two people. We have to be able to trust each other."
"I trust you," she offers, as if that is enough of a solution: one of them on board to steer the ship.
"But…not yourself?" he checks for clarity sake, now not the time for crossed wires or misunderstandings.
Kate shakes her head.
Castle pauses, searching for inspiration. "How...how does it go wrong? In your head? Tell me," he requests, patiently searching for empathy through comprehension.
"I kill houseplants, Castle. Benign neglect," she admits, with a huff of defeat, folding her arms across her chest as she empties her lungs of air.
"Well, then you're lucky I'm good at feeding and watering myself," he replies, as if this is all the answer they need to fix this.
"Don't." She shakes her head, taking a step back, her eyes flickering with pain.
"What? Joke about this?" he counters, advancing on her, pushing the point until he can reduce her objection to size, if not make it disappear altogether. "Your excuse is lame, Kate. I get that you're scared. I do. But you're not the one with two failed marriages on your jacket," he points out.
"Or a charge for stealing a police horse and riding it naked through Central Park," she mutters, raising her eyebrows as she fights a sudden, nascent grin, no matter how inappropriate the timing.
Castle offers her a wan smile as reward for her jibe, since he is a man whose go-to emotion is humor in all circumstances. But then he's right back on track.
"The relationships you think didn't work...the ones that tell you you're bad at this? You left them, Kate. You sabotaged them by holding back, and then you walked away. I watched you do it, don't forget. More than once."
She nods gravely, chastened by the truth in his words, and then slowly turns to look at him, a quiet curiosity in her eyes that betrays her interest in the generous lifeline he's throwing her yet again.
"So...yeah, okay. Maybe I did. What's your point?"
"My point? My point is that I fought for those marriages tooth and nail. I wanted them to work, for Alexis as much as anything, but it didn't matter. They still failed. No matter what I did. I failed. So if anyone should have an issue here, if anyone has a right to feel scared, afraid of screwing this up...it's me," he points out, bringing his clenched fist up to his chest.
Kate stares up at him, her gaze brushing his lips and then moving higher to settle on his eyes. But then she moves again, restless, heading for the window of a well-lit, Greek yogurt bar that sits on the corner. Castle walks over to stand next to her as she stares in through the window of Chobani at the myriad suggestions as to how the Mediterranean yoghurt might be prepared.
"So…we're both scared," says Kate, watching a young couple order dessert from the woman behind the counter.
"Seems that way."
"Don't you feel better for admitting that?" asks Kate, giving him a tentative sideways glance.
"Do you?"
Kate contemplates the question for a second and then she shrugs one-shouldered. "I think so," she replies, still sounding a little uncertain. "Do you?"
Castle shrugs too. "Not exactly manly…admitting to being afraid."
"But smart," decides Kate, bumping her shoulder against his.
In a demonstration of role reversal that he doesn't expect, Kate seems to summon some new courage or confidence from somewhere, and when she turns to face him again, he can see it in the determined, flint-spark of her eyes, even if her explanation, her words, come out haltingly.
"I'll fight...for this. Go it alone if I have to, Castle. I'm ready. Just...all I'm asking is a chance to prove to you that...that I've figured it out."
Castle frowns. "Figured what out?"
"What my life is supposed to be from now on. What it's supposed to look like."
Castle nods, his expression contemplative for a moment or two, until his features seem to soften around the edges, a glimmer of mischief sneaking in. "Okay. Well, if I'm in that picture somewhere…I'll buy that."
Kate grins. Relief floods through her, putting light in her eyes and a glorious smile on her face. "Oh, you're in the picture," she assures him, laughing. She ducks her head shyly for a second, before she stretches out her arm to bridge the distance between them, offering him her hand.
Castle gladly takes her hand, and they walk back towards the curb, stepping off the sidewalk as one, crossing West Broadway hand-in-hand, feeling more connected than ever, more grateful, lighter, happier and more blessed than they both have in a long time. There are still rivers to cross, mountains to climb and beasts to slay along the way, but they're travelling the road together from now on, and it seems as if the wind might finally be at their back*.
A few moments silence pass, and then Castle takes a deep breath, mischief twinkling in his dark blue eyes.
"So...after you saw me yesterday, you really couldn't stay away?" he crows, playfully bumping hips with Kate. "I derailed your careful plans."
Kate gasps, giving him a disbelieving sideways stare. "Stop! Or I will walk away right now," she jokes, both of them certain that's the last think she intends to do.
Castle slings his arm around her shoulders, holding her firmly against his side, while they keep up their pace. "No. No, no, no. You said it now, Beckett. Can't take it back."
"Just watch me," she mutters, quietly. The remark futile, as she tries to force the massive ear-to-ear grin off her face...and fails.
A few steps further on and Castle is at it again. He drops his arm from her shoulders and recaptures her hand, humming innocently before he speaks.
"I'm the focus of that picture, right?" he teases, bumping shoulders with Kate as they hurry down the block.
"You think you're the focus now?" gasps Kate, covering her mouth with her hand when she laughs with glee at her partner's huge ego.
"I can tell. I'm the subject, the heart, nub, core, nucleus..."
"Nucleus? Really?" giggles Kate, tugging on his hand.
"Yeah. The center of your attention. The…uh…focal point. The whole point."
Kate's laughter can be heard ringing all the way to Wooster Street.
TBC...
Note: Only the epilogue to go, folks. Hope you've enjoyed the story so far.
*One of the last lines in that chapter reminded me of this old Irish blessing I've always loved. Whether you're religious or not, the words and the intention are generous and well-meaning. You've probably heard this before, but it bears repeating...
"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of his hand."