Hercules, Raipicus and Cleon were walking through Ancient Greece in search of the Ravenous Hydra. It was very, very hot in Ancient Greece. While they marched forwards they passed three hundred Spartans marching in the direction of Athens. Hercules waved joyfully at them, proud to see that Greece was full of other warriors, even if they weren't as powerful as he was.
"We'll soon be at the Isles of the Dragon, I'm sure some dragon there will be able to tell us where the Hydra lives." Said Hercules.
"This is ridiculous man. I think we should just head back to Athens. Marching non-stop didn't prove you were the son of Zeus last time."
Hercules bristled. "Yes it did! My endurance was so great that-"
At that moment Raipicus let out a girlish scream. "Bandits!" He yelled, cowering behind a tree.
Cleon gave the faun a look. "Really? Bandits? Every adventure needs to have bandits, doesn't it?"
"Arrr! WE be bandits!" Yelled a stooped man. He was hunchbacked, and had many yellow teeth, and was at that moment brandishing a dagger.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Yelled the collection of bandits.
Hercules glared at them. "And I am a Son, no! THE Son of Zeus! My name is Hercules. Please give me your names before I beat you all up."
Two more bandits stepped forwards. One small and ugly, with a humongous wart on his nose, the other gigantic and muscled, with golden earings.
"I am Phocos." Said the hunchbacked one.
Raipicus burst out laughing and elbowed Cleon in the ribs. "Phocos, get it?"
"I am Gorgos." Said the dwarvish bandit.
"And I am Horos." Said the big one.
Raipicus laughed all the harder. "Horos-get it?"
The bandits glared at the faun. The other ones (for there were many bandits) didn't give their names, for they knew this cruel-hearted faun would taunt them.
"Who are you?" Said Phocos, their leader.
"I am Hercules. This is Cleon, and Raipicus."
It was the bandits turn to laugh out loud. "RAIPICUS, GET IT?"
The fauns eye twitched. He curled his hand into a fist. "GO GET THEM HERCULES!"
Immediately, healthbars appeared above the bandits head's, and video game music began playing in the background.
Hercules charged forwards and in one punch obliterated a bandit's healthbar. He uppercut another one, who lost half health, and was promptly grabbed and thrown at the others, earning Hercules a Pentakill. Horos brought his fist down on Hercules shoulder, dealing massive damage. He was the next to be oneshotted by our blonde hero.
"RUN!" Shouted Phocos, who began running towards a small cottage none of them had noticed before.
"Don't let them get away Hercules!" Raipicus shouted as encouragement.
Hercules grabbed an unconscious bandit by the leg and threw him into the cottage, straight through the window. Phocos screamed very, very loudly as Hercules charged forwards, obliterating his healthbar in one punch and sending him flying into the cottage. The bandits all attacked Hercules at once, but with a powerful shake of his head his long hair smacked fifteen of them into unconsciousness. The last one standing was Gorgos, who looked like he was going to piss himself. Screaming like a girl he ran inside and banged on the door. The door burst open in the unlucky Gorgos' face, revealing many more bandits squeezed inside. Laughing like a villain, Hercules charged forwards into the cottage, slamming the door shut behind him. What followed were many violent sounds, screams, broken glass excetera.
Raipicus grinned and charged forwards as well, throwing the door open. "Good job Hercules! We sure wiped the floor with them. Oh my, those are some sexy shoes."
Sitting on a table were a pair of glowing golden sandals with wings on the sides. Cleon came into the cottage, frowning at the destruction. "Do you think we went a little hard on them?"
"Not at all." Said Hercules. "I haven't even warmed up, yet."
At that moment, a small figure with a full head of curly, black hair, kicked down the door, wielding a pair of flaming gauntlets. "DIE THIEVING SCUM! THE WHOLE OF MOUNT OLYMPUS IS GONNA WATCH ME BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU FOR STEALING MY SHOES!"
Meanwhile on Mount Olympus, the Gods were playing cards...
"Hey has anyone seen Hermes?" Asked Zeus, not looking up from his deck.
"He borrowed my Flaming Gauntlets of Fiery Death to get his shoes back from some old man." Answered Aries. "Aaaah fold Zeus. I won this round! Reshuffle!"
With much grumbling the gods reshuffled the deck of cards and prepared to play again.
Hermes blinked at the sight before him. The faun was staring at his shoes, the blonde man looked like he wanted to fight, and judging from his healthbar, he was very tanky. Good thing these gauntlets gave him armour penetration! The third was a pacifist, this was obvious because Cleon didn't have a healthbar over his head.
"So you're the bandit." Said Hermes.
"So you are." Said Hercules.
There was a quick zoom-in on their eyes. Hercules were blue, Hermes' were green. The Messenger began by putting the gauntlets together and shooting a huge wave of flame at his opponents. Hercules dodged the blast, but still took damage due to being near the source of heat.
"My fridge." Cried a bandit. Some others were crying incessantly.
"Your what?" Asked everyone in the room who wasn't a bandit.
"We sometimes get bored and get ice from the mountain to put in a cupboard." Explained another bandit.
"Why fridge?" Asked everyone simultaneously.
"Because I THOUGHT OF IT!" Yelled Phocos, who's healthbar was slowly regenerating. "AND IT WAS BETTER THAN RIDGE!"
Hercules threw another bandit at him, instantly knocking out Phocos.
Hermes and Hercules then did the eye thing again. "DIE TO MY FIREBALLS!" Many fire balls were launched from the gauntlets, which Hercules dodged easily.
"You're not hot enough to have balls of fire." Raipicus pointed out blankly.
The short man let out a huge roar and hurled flames at his goat half. Raipicus raced out the cottage screaming. Thinking quickly, Cleon grabbed the remains of the fridge and chased after him. It was just between Hermes and Hercules now.
"You think you can hurt my friends and get away with it? Only I get to do that." The blonde man charged forwards, grabbing two bandits as he went and used their bodies to smack Hermes onto the table. The Messenger God frowned. His opponent was indeed very tanky. But his shoes were right next to him and just waiting to be worn.
"Pause." Said Hermes. Throwing off his borrowed sandals he placed his feet into the glowing ones. The wings buzzed and he wriggled his toes as he took off from the air, hovering upside-down. "Now I'm ready." He said with a grin, an extra-large ball of flame appearing between his hands.
Cleon threw the cool water (for the ice had melted) onto his friend, eliciting a sigh of relief from the faun. Raipicus's face then hardened. "I'm going to kill that bandit." He spotted another one of the rogues crawling towards a crossbow, and marched forwards, kicking the bandit in the head, he snatched up the weapon.
"Raipicus don't!" But the faun wasn't listening, and screaming like a madman he charged into the cottage once more. He released the arrow, which connected with the fireball, which exploded and sent it flying straight through the roof.
Hermes glared at his opponent. "So you countered my technique. Well, looks like I'll have to wait for your attack."
Hercules rolled forwards, grabbed a chair and hurled it at the god. Naturally, it missed.
"Ha! You missed!" It was then that Hermes realized that the chair had jammed into his flying gear. With a scream, he fell headfirst, into the floor.
Hercules wasted no opportunity, grabbing the Messenger God by the throat and squeezing hard. Hermes watched as his healthbar slowly went down. To add insult to injury, Raipicus landed a powerful goat-legged kick directly to his face, giving him a matching set of black eyes. Grumbling unhappily, Hermes snapped his fingers and vanished. At least he had got his shoes back!
"Huh. We won comrades. Now we may proceed to find the Hydra-"
"You should ask Dragoon about that. Dragoon knows a girl, who knows a guy, who knows a girl, who may know someone who knows where the Hydra is." A bandit added helpfully, before being half-healthed by a single blow of Hercules.
"Very well. It is to Dragoon that we shall go to then! Onwards, comrades!" The trio raced out of the house.
Hercules smiled. "We won yet another round."
Meanwhile in Olympus...
"So you got your shoes back." Zeus noted, still not looking up from his intense match against Poseidon.
"Yeah. Those bandits were nothing." Said Hermes.
Athena frowned at him. "They managed to give you two black eyes. Bandits must be getting tougher."
"I suggest we send a plague. How about Black Death?" Suggested Hades, ever eager to take men to the afterlife.
"Is that a plague that affects only bandits?" Asked Hera.
"...Maybe."
"No. It was not merely bandits. It was a dragon!" Bragged Hermes.
"A dragon?" Gasped the Gods.
"Bring it's head!" Roared Aries. "I'm impressed Hermes, you managed to take on a dragon by yourself."
"It was nothing." Hermes waved it away.
"I don't believe you." Said Artemis, who as the Goddess of Nature, knew perfectly well that dragons did not reside in the part of Greece where Hermes' shoes went missing.
"Oh yeah? I'll prove it to you!"
Meanwhile in Troy...
Achilles waved his middle fingers up at the Trojan Defenders. "YOU CAN'T SLAY ME! FOR MY HEEL FACES AWAY FROM THY ARROWS! HAHAHAHA!"
An arrow (the one that Raipicus had shot) flew into Achilles' heel, bringing the mighty Greek warrior down to the ground.
"I did it!" Shouted the opportunistic Paris. Instantly the Trojans went into a frenzy, patting him on the back and crying his name out loud incessantly.
Odyseuss rushed over to the side of his ally. "Achilles. It will be okay. You can't die from a heel wound."
"I know...but my shoes are ruined." Sobbed the warrior.
Odyseuss shouted at his men, who rushed forwards and carried away the moaning Achilles on a stretcher.
Back in Olympus...
"It was a dragon." Said Phocos.
"A big one." Said Gorgos.
"Gigantic." Said Horos.
"How big?" Demanded the ever-skeptic Artemis.
The bandits all looked at each other.
*Flashback*
"Listen here!" Hermes slammed Phocos into a tree. "You're gonna say there was a dragon. And you're gonna say it was a big dragon, you got that?"
*Flashback*
"They're so stupid they don't know!" Hermes interrupted, grabbing the bandits by the back of the neck. "I'll just dispose of them now. Hehe."
Artemis glared at the Messenger God's retreating back. He was so obviously lying...
Somewhere in the ocean...
The Athenian Navy was sailing for Troy, when three men fell from the sky and onto the deck.
"SEE! My prophecy was correct! The gods have sent us these heroes to lead us to victory!" Yelled the Captain, removing his helmet and bowing before the trio. "Oh blessed ones, you now hold command over the whole of our navy."
The three shared a look. "Um what?"
"We are yours to command." The troops, loyal to their general, nodded vigorously.
The three shared another look. Blinked, and then fainted.
"They have commanded us to rest! GO TO SLEEP, ALL OF YOU!"