"Hercules, do you feel like... we've been walking through Ancient Greece for almost a year?"
The great blonde man snorted. "Don't be ridiculous Raipicus! We've only been at this for three days!"
"Er... more like a week." Cleon admitted, scratching his chin. "Or two. And technically speaking we can't be walking through Ancient Greece- we'd have to use boats eventually because Greece has got a lot of islands."
The three nodded in shared wisdom.
"Why would you even think something so foolish as that?"
The faun shrugged. "I suppose I just feel like we haven't been doing anything really."
"Perhaps it is because your author could not decide what to do with you."
The trio turned towards a new figure, who had appeared out of nowhere. He wore nothing but strange black clothes that did not belong in Ancient Greece, complete with black... eye-things that did not belong in... anywhere! He raised his arms in surrender.
"Please, allow me to explain. You see we are OCs."
"Oh sees?" Hercules repeated. "Who is this Oh and what does she see? Has she been staring at my well-defined muscles behind my back? Because they look better from the front!"
Raipicus shook his head from side to side. "Clearly Oh is a guy!"
"...In that case I'd prefer he didn't stare... but my muscles still look better from the front!"
Cleon placed a hoof on both their shoulders. "I believe our new friend is talking about the Oh Seas. You know, where Oh-dyseus got lost."
"No! OC means Original Character!" Snapped the new figure, who would most likely only appear for this chapter and knew it.
The trio stared at him.
"Do you think he's speaking a foreign language that sounds like Greek but means different things?" The minotaur pointed out.
"Oh! That makes sense!"
"I love that wordplay Raipicus!" Cleon and the faun promptly... high-fived?
Hercules drew himself up to full height. "Very well! As the son of Zeus I shall now translate everything this man says!"
The man facepalmed. "How shall I phrase this? We are nothing but words on a screen."
"How shall I praise thee." Hercules translated. "We are nothing but wasps about to scream."
"Huh, that last one doesn't make much sense." Pointed out his companions.
Hercules shrugged. "I am merely translating. It is likely that this man did not receive a righteous education like we did. We must not judge him by his grammar."
The man glared at Hercules, and smacked him. The blonde's cheek had a red-mark left on it after the blow.
"That hurt very little, and was surely meant as nothing more than a pat on the back." He promptly responded with a pat of the back of his own... which knocked the man off his feet. "Tell us funny man who speaks in a strange language. What is your name?"
"Morphinexusiusexecutuserus." The man with a complicated name spat out, frustrated that his message was not being understood properly.
"He says his name is Morpheus."
"I did not say that! I said my name is Morphinexus-" The man facepalmed. But then he pulled himself together, he had to prove that there was more to this world than others realized.
"He is repeating that his name is Morpheus, the face-palm means that he feels his face is not beautiful enough to be associated with our own ones."
"I am speaking GREEK! STOP TRANSLATING!"
"He says that he is Greek, and wants me to stop trans-latins." Hercules nodded vigorously. "I must admit however, it would seem harsh of me to murder those who-"
The matrix man remembered that, technically speaking, he had some control over the environment. Snapping his fingers he made the whole world go black, effectively silencing Hercules. He was alone with Raipicus, who seemed oblivious to the fact that the whole world had gone dark behind him.
"Raipicus! Did you ever wonder why you were given your name?"
The faun shook his head from side to side vigorously. "Is it because my parents love me very much and don't want people giving me rude nicknames? Like pony-tail? Or goat-feet?"
"No! It is because your creators thought it would be funny to create someone that only speaks in innuendo! And your name should be pronounced Rape-icus!"
The faun glared daggers at the man. "And you're just a rip off of the Matrix! See, I can make up words too! And for the record, my parents don't know what innuendo means either!" He promptly stuck his tongue out at the man.
"Innuendo is not a made-up word! It's an allusive or oblique remark or hint, typically a suggestive or disparaging one."
"Can I get the definition of 'suggestive', 'disparaging', 'allusive' and 'oblique'?"
This was... probably too much effort. Morphinexusiusexecutuserus snapped his fingers again. Raipicus was replaced with Hercules, who was busy admiring his muscles.
Morphinexus- the one with a really long name -turned his full attention to Hercules. "You are nothing but a senseless parody of one of the greatest myths of Ancient Greece! You're just a rip-off of the real mythological Hercules!"
"You mean to say that Zeus had other children named after me." He laughed loudly. "This proves that I am the son of Zeus, for otherwise I would not be standing here now, being called a legend!"
"A myth! Not a legend, a myth!"
"Even better!"
At last the shameless parody of the Matrix turned towards Cleon- he who had most sense.
"And you Cleon- you're so boring the author doesn't know what to do with you! You're not even a rip-off of anything - beyond your name which was stolen-" The minotaur was no longer paying attention and was chasing a pack of butterflies that had appeared out of nowhere.
The world ceased being boring darkness, and once more the three stood before the man in black.
"Don't you get the picture? We're not even pictures!"
Hercules smiled widely, showing off a row of perfect white teeth. "You're right. I am greater than my pictures say I am. What is a picture but a 2D representation of something 3D? There are countless of reasons why one's appearance in real life is more important than one's appearance on one's wall."
At last the man was forced to use his last resort. He ripped free two round pills from what he knew to be pockets but the Greeks did not comprehend. "If you wish to leave this fake reality behind, take the red pill! If you want to forget everything you know about this world, take the blue pill-"
"Are you a doctor?"
"Do you have a right to sell pharmaceutical products?"
"And what are those?" Hercules pointed at the man's strange un-sandalled feet.
"I have been working on these pills you see, so that I can convince people that reality is not what it seems. We are just words, you and I. Take the pill and you shall see."
"So you sell drugs?"
"No! I give them out for free to dispell the illusory world around us!"
Instantly Hercules was enraged. "So you sell drugs to promote your own idealogy? I knew there was something off about you! Drugs are a thing of Hera- my step-mother who dislikes me greatly even though we've never met- and therefore must be stopped!"
Morphi- he did not have time to think his full name before he was being assaulted by the guy. Of course he had expected no less and whipped out... Well Hercules wasn't too sure what it was but it was probably a weapon of some sort. Hercules promptly knocked it out of his hand, grabbed him by the peculiar scarf around his neck and lifted him off his feet.
"Raipicus... For some reason I have a great inclination to say 'dodge this'."
"Don't say it Hercules! It would be unoriginal!"
"You only know that because your author watched the Matr-"
Hercules did not let him finish his sentence and promptly brought his first into the man's mouth. He then whirled them over his head and launched him directly at the sun.
"Say hello to Icarus for me drug-dealer!" Hercules then wiped the dust that had accumulated on his hands (...somehow) and indicated that it was time to continue with a 'men! Onwards!'
The trio walked away happily after that, knowing that even if they were just words written on a screen, they were no doubt the best words on it... Whatever a screen was anyways.
"Hey Hercules?"
"Yes, friend Raipicus?"
"When do you think we'll get another adventure?"
"... Some things ellude even the Son of Zeus."
Footnote: Yes this story's not dead, yes it has almost been a year since I last published this but... I have a bunch of excuses! Which you probably don't want to hear. Also note that from here-on-in The Twelve Great Labours of Hercules is going to shift into... more of a parody of everything. Here, for example, I am parodying the Matrix. I would probably not be doing this if not for RJ by Berserker88 -which if you like the Matrix or Zootopia (or both) I recommend you read- but at the same time I do like the idea of a character that knows he's a character.
Hercules, Raipicus and Cleon... probably not as smart as Neo so this is what happens when they are confronted with the truth of their existence.
The next chapter or story arc however is pretty well-planned out and probably shouldn't take that long to be written up (depending on my other fics of course). Think Medusa...