12 Friday: Oh Kate!
Caroline, waking before Kate, dressed casually for the day and went down to prepare breakfast. The evening before she had spied sausages and eggs and planned to add the last of the fruit from the day before to their breakfast. The smell of frying sausages must have wakened Kate almost immediately, as she shortly appeared, also dressed for the day. Caroline, looking up smiled a welcome as Kate moved to encircle her middle, kissing the cheek Caroline turned to her. "Mmmm, smells good." Then still leaning against Caroline, pressed her lips against the largest freckle on the side of the irresistibly exposed neck. Inhaling deeply the scent of Caroline she exhaled "You smell good," and felt an almost imperceptible wave of movement through the body in her arms. This in turn produced a sharp intake of breath in Kate whose lips were still beside Caroline's ear. Caroline swallowed and said "Kate," in a regretful tone. With a small squeeze Kate finally went to pour orange juice for each of them.
Caroline quickly scrambled the eggs and as the two women ate, they talked of the whereabouts and activities of Caroline's family and Kate's Mum. Kate told Caroline about a restaurant where she knew the owners and that it was one that Mrs. McKenzie enjoyed. She suggested it as the destination for the dinner Caroline had promised Kate's mother. Agreeing on this, Kate first called the restaurant to make the reservation, then her Mum to tell her what time she and Caroline would pick her up that evening.
As they were setting the kitchen to rights, Caroline turned to Kate and said softly, "tell me about your pregnancy?" At Kate's look of surprise, Caroline continued, regretful, "I feel like I've missed so much." Then wistfully, "Tell me about when you first knew."
Kate perched on a stool by the counter and thought for a moment, "Of course, I was watching for the signs, I'd been through that part so many times. I knew how it would be with me. As the signs began, one by one, I started to get excited but I tried to stop myself, I knew… knew that I wouldn't begin to feel safe until after 12 weeks. I kept it to myself. No one but you would even dream that there would be such a possibility. I didn't even tell my Mum. She'd been through so much all of the other times, with me… Well, I didn't want to tell her until there a reasonable expectation that…"
Caroline, who had taken the stool across from Kate, nodded her understanding. She ran a forefinger from the tip of one of Kate's fingers up to her wrist and back down the next finger. Looking up, "Did you have morning sickness?" As Kate continued to talk, Caroline picked up one of Kate's hands, with thumb on one side of her palm and fingertips on the other began tracing each bone, divining tendon and sinew, vein and tissue moving systematically across to the gap between index finger and thumb.
"A little, usually, by the time I got to school it was under control." Kate looked out from under lowered lashes, almost whispering, "The only person I wanted to tell, talk to, was you. But that was out of the question. The very thing I wanted most to talk with you about was the thing most impossible to discuss." After a deep breath, "Finally, the term ended. I thought it would get easier when I didn't have to see you every day. It wasn't. Everyday I wondered what you were doing. Thought about how it might have been if we were still together, what we might have found to do. What it would be like to have time together without the stress of work added to everything else. That combined with trying not to think about what might still happen with the baby almost drove me mad. I tried to keep busy, did a 'spring clean' here, then went to Mum's and did one there with her."
Looking at Caroline to see if her interest was flagging she found her paying close attention in spite of the fingers that had moved on to probe Kate's other hand, so she went on, "Later Mum and I took a week's holiday to the sea." Making a frowning face, "it rained about half the time, but there was a Canasta tournament in the dining room of the hotel where we stayed and we had a good enough time with the people there."
Caroline having completed her mapping of Kate's hands still held them gently between them on the counter. Moving stiffly from the hard stool, Kate pulled Caroline with her into the sitting room. "Not long after the fall term began, the first twelve weeks were up. As I told you, I was cautiously optimistic." Seating herself on one end of the sofa, Kate toed off her shoes and putting her feet on the cushion, covered them with the throw that Caroline had used the day before. "I told you before I told my Mum. Somehow, I felt I owed you that. Doesn't make sense, I know," said Kate as she watched Caroline take the armchair directly across from her, watching as she also kicked off shoes and tucked her feet in beside the arm of the chair.
"I could see that day you were surprised, then getting upset. I couldn't make myself say anything personal to you. I hadn't come to terms with my own guilt yet. It was there but I worked hard at convincing myself that everything that went wrong between us was your fault." Kate had been looking at Caroline who was regarding her evenly, listening, comparing what she was hearing to her own memories of that day.
Seeing that Caroline wasn't going to speak, Kate continued with her monolog. "I waited, thinking that you might say something but you only ended the interview. I was pleased when you congratulated me, but there didn't seem to be anything more to say, so I went." Kate looked at Caroline, from under dark lashes, her head lowered slightly, "Not before I heard you gasp for breath as I closed the door. That... hit me." Kate put her hand to her heart. Continuing softly, remembering, "The outer office was empty at the time and I just stood there wondering if I should go back in. But it felt too big by then, too much time had passed, so I just... left." Silent now, Kate looked at Caroline looking back at her, mouth downturned, hands clasping knees to her chest, obviously re-living the grief of that day and the days that followed.
Kate put her feet flat on the floor leaning forward, elbows on knees, hands in front of her, looking down for a long moment unable to bear seeing Caroline like this. She raised her eyes to find tears rolling down Caroline's cheeks, unchecked. "God, Caroline, this is almost as bad as living through it, isn't it?"
Then Caroline put her hands to her face to wipe away the tears, the cords of her neck showing the effort she made to control herself. Apologetically, "Sorry. Sorry." Then in a determined voice, "We have to do it. It has to be done if we are going to find a way forward." Urging Kate to resume her story, "So, you told your Mum then?"
Kate sat back, remembering that visit to her Mum's. "Yes, that weekend. She was teasing me about putting on weight. So, I told her that I was pregnant. She was quite surprised, shocked really. She had no reason to think that this was even a possibility." Kate looked down at her hands, a grave look on her face. "She was appalled. She didn't know whether to ask why or how first." With a sad smile Kate looked up at Caroline, "You don't know my mother well, but for her to be speechless is almost as difficult to picture as Celia speechless." Watching her nervous fingers picking at one another in her lap, Kate said, "that was one of the hardest things I think I have ever had to do. Explain this to my mother."
Brown eyes met acute blue ones still taking in everything, the words said and unsaid, the body language, the eyes and expressions of the narrator. "Almost as difficult as what I did to you, as hard at that may be for you to hear. Then, when I dumped you, my own hurt and disappointment fueled me. This time, I had to work to try to make my mother understand how I could have come to such a decision in light of my history."
At Caroline's questioning look, Kate resumed her story, " Mum was angry with me, for putting myself in a position to go through what I'd been through before. Something bizarre happens with my hormones following a pregnancy. Even one that doesn't go to term, well, I never went full term so how would I know about that? It turns me mean and slightly depressive. Watching Caroline, Kate saw a sympathetic look take over her features.
Unable to remain silent, she reproached, "Kate. You never told me there were more than the usual problems for you. More than being 42 with a history of miscarriage."
"Caroline, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you everything. You weren't that keen on my getting pregnant with just the usual worries, plus the two women raising a family thing at such an early stage of our relationship. I knew if I told you all of my history, you would be even less inclined to agree."
Caroline's expression registered the recognition that she felt she had been deceived by Kate. She willed herself to remain silent, waiting to be told the rest.
Taking a deep breath, Kate went on. "I told you last night how horrible I was to Richard after I lost the babies. Things had been going downhill between us, as you might imagine. After the fourth time, Richard refused to try for another baby. He thought it was not good for my well being. Eventually, that took its toll on our marriage and we broke down."
Seeing Caroline's nod of understanding and another for her to continue, "I think my mother, in a certain way, was relieved when the marriage ended. I think she thought at least now the chance of another pregnancy was off the table. She was also disappointed, she liked Richard." Shrugging, "Why not, he really is a good person, and no one could have been better to me. The ending of the marriage was my fault for insisting that we keep trying for a baby. It took me a long time to come to terms with that guilt, along with the actual loss of Richard and the emotional support he provided, even when I was horrible to him, and of course, always, the loss of the babies."
At these revelations, Caroline considered all that Kate had experienced, felt sorrow and sympathy for all that she had lost. Unable to keep her distance any longer she was once again on her knees in front of Kate, stroking her cheek, saying gently, "Oh Kate, I had no idea. You should have told me."
Remorse writ large on her face, Kate only said softly in a regretful tone, "When would have been a good time for that conversation, Caroline?"
Nodding vigorously, leaning in to kiss Kate's cheek and nodding again, Caroline conveyed her acknowledgement that there really never had been time for them to get this deeply personal with one another before.
Trying to understand, "So, you were willing to risk miscarriage again, all of these hormonal issues, possibly depression for the chance to have a baby?" Kate shrugged, embarrassed, she couldn't understand this thing that drove her, how could she explain it to Caroline? Caroline seeing what Kate was going through decided they had both had enough for the time being.
Rising quickly to her feet, she pulled Kate up as well. "Time for a break. Loo?" At Kate's nod, Caroline asked, "Are you alright?" Smiling, Kate nodded again. Caroline moved aside for her to pass, watching as Kate moved up the stairs out of sight. Glad to be up and moving around again, Caroline paced the floor a few times and stopped to look out the window at the back garden with unseeing eyes.
What did this mean for Kate now? Was her pregnancy in more danger than Kate had let on? If she did lose the baby, what then? How would Kate react? If she delivered the child, would she suffer the same hormonal issues? Perhaps be depressed? Would she be able to cope with these circumstances if they arose? So many questions and no answers.
By this time, Kate was beside her, searching Caroline's face for clues to what she was thinking. Caroline, not really knowing yet herself could not let her in. Instead, she suggested a walk since the sun was out and the breeze calm. Kate readily agreed. She shared that her doctor had recommended light regular exercise as being in all ways a benefit to her.
The two women, in scarves, gloves and warm winter coats set off to the local market to pick up a few things for tomorrow's meals. The sun made them both feel better. They talked of the neighborhood and other inconsequential matters on the way.
Returning, they walked quietly for a time, each considering what Kate had shared with Caroline this morning and what it might mean for the life they had only just begun to plan together. After a while, Caroline looked at Kate's profile for a moment before Kate turned her head. Still walking, Caroline said, "You didn't tell me the rest of the conversation you had with your Mum. The day that you told her you were pregnant." Pausing to see Kate's reaction, Caroline saw the tiredness beginning to etch this face, which could never be anything but beloved to her. "Kate, I wouldn't ask now but we are meeting your Mum for dinner. It might be best for me to know before then."
Kate agreed, "No, no, you're right." Trying to remember where she had left off with that narrative Kate walked more slowly until she began again. Looking at Caroline "As a mother, you will probably understand my Mum being unhappy with me. She told me that she could possibly have understood if I were married and the pregnancy somehow happened in spite of having taken the precautions any prudent couple would in light of my history and complications. She simply could not believe that I had been foolish enough, to knowingly go to the lengths that apparently I had to become pregnant."
"She asked why I would do this. I couldn't explain it to her any better than I did to you last night. Finally, she just shook her head." Resuming their walk, Kate went on, "Finally, she sat up and started asking questions. She asked how far along I was. I told her and," smiling grimly "I saw her doing the arithmetic in her head and the comprehension come into her face before she asked me if this is why you and I were no longer together."
Their pace had slowed so that they were barely strolling now. At this, Caroline began walking almost sideways so that she could see Kate's face. Kate shrugged, "There was never much point in trying to hide things from Mum, she is much too sharp." Stopping now, glancing around, Kate saw that no other pedestrians were in sight; she sat down on the nearby bus stop bench. Caroline perched on the edge, sideways next to her. "She just looked at me then as if she was trying to fathom what in the world had come over me to cause me to be willing to sacrifice not only my own well-being but a relationship with the person I loved to try for this baby."
Kate sagged for a moment, remembering her mother's searching eyes upon her. Raising eyes brimming with unshed tears, Kate looked into the soft blue eyes which held no more comprehension than her mother's had. "Caroline, I wish that I could make you understand. I don't expect you to, but I wish someone did. And if I could choose, it would be you I most wanted to be able to appreciate how much this baby means to me." Then the tears did spill over.
Caroline presented a packet of tissues to Kate who went through a few before she was able to regain control. Gratified that she was the one Kate needed most and sympathetic to her plight, Caroline considered matters until Kate was ready to talk again. "I know it must be lonely for you with no one understanding what it was that brought you to this point." Tucking a straying lock of hair behind Kate's ear, "I'm not sure that's the important thing anymore. What we need to think about now is taking the best care possible of you and the baby. We'll just take things one day at a time and make sure that you get plenty of rest, good food and some exercise each day. Laying ungloved fingers on Kate's cheek and smiling reassuringly, she hoped more reassuringly than she felt at the moment, "We will make it our goal to give you the healthiest circumstances that any expectant mother could wish for." Giving an emotional little choked sort of a laugh Caroline leaned in and hugged Kate to her, desperately pressing her cheek to Kate's as if sheer determination alone would make everything come out all right.
Pulling apart, they each took a new tissue to wipe away the tears, taking turns blotting the other's face then their own. Somewhat recovered, Caroline pulled Kate to her feet as was becoming her habit and stooping gathered up the carrier bags of groceries saying, "Good thing it's cold outside or the milk would be spoiled." Pointing her elbow out toward Kate, the red-gloved hand went through and rested on Caroline's forearm and they strolled the rest of the way home.
Upon arrival, Caroline insisted that Kate once again stretch out for a rest and better yet, a nap. Kate turned pleading eyes on Caroline, "please come with me. Don't make me go up there alone, not today." Caroline seeing the stress of need, kissed Kate's cheek and nodding said, "let me put away the things that need refrigeration."
Having changed into a loose fitting wrapper, Kate only relaxed once Caroline had slid under the covers behind her, again wedging herself in to support the tired back. It didn't take long before Caroline could tell by Kate's even breathing that she had dropped off to sleep. With her arms wrapped around the two beating hearts beside her, Caroline for the first time let herself consider fully the magnitude of what she had taken on by loving Kate. Not that she had a choice. Not once she had begun to let her in almost a year ago. The love she felt for Kate had taken on a life of its own. Her heart beat fast at the thought of what could be just ahead for the three of them.
Of course, that's always the chance one took with love, wasn't it? Anyone's spouse or child could come down with an illness or injury that caused untold heartache. It was part of life. She wanted to talk to Kate's Mum, she would get Mrs. McKenzie's views on the matter. That settled in her mind, Caroline returned to listening to Kate breath and without realizing, dropped off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon for a second day in a row.
Wakened by the subtle buzz that was her mobile vibrating on the bedside table, Caroline reached to look at the screen and found a text from Laurence with the news that the rugby team had won the match today and giving her the seed status they would enjoy tomorrow. Smiling, she texted her congratulations and her love.
Kate, having been wakened by the loss of her back support rolled toward Caroline. Watching as she keyed in the message, Kate reached out a hand to finger a lock of blonde hair. Feeling this tender touch, Caroline turned back after she set aside the device and placed a hand on the side of Kate's stomach. The baby had wakened also, stretching slightly then placed a kick that made Kate wince. Caroline followed the tiny movements once again with her fingers, a rapt look coming over her face.
Kate seeing this tender regard was overcome with emotion at the thought that after everything she had told Caroline today, here she was right beside her, holding her, enchanted with the child inside her. How could she be so fortunate as to have someone like Caroline, have her be as faithful and true as Caroline was being to her?
Smiling up at Kate, Caroline was startled to see tears once more on Kate's cheeks. "Kate! What is it? Are you alright?"
Kate just shook her head, using fingers to wipe away the tears. "Just feeling very, very lucky to have you in my life. After everything I told you today, here you are being so loving to me and to the baby."
"Our baby," Caroline corrected, looking earnestly into Kate's liquid brown eyes. "Ours" she repeated.
Seeing emotion returning to Kate's face, she sweetly laid her lips on the quivering brown ones before her. Then in one quick movement rolled out of the bed onto her feet, saying, "Right. Dinner with your Mum. What shall I wear?"
Beholding the vision, which was a rumpled, tousle headed Caroline, back lit by the sun setting in the window behind her, Kate said without hesitation, "Heels."
Caroline laughed out loud, "I might draw more than Mr. Fields' attention if I showed up at your favorite restaurant in only heels," once again giving the pose she had made for the passing car.
Kate, laughing now in spite of the stern look that she gave Caroline. "Well then, the green dress?"
No, no, your mother has already seen that, she'll think I only have one outfit. Besides I didn't bring it along." Teasing and talking as they dressed, the two companionably moved around the bedroom and bath, in and out of one another's space with an admiring glance here and a quick kiss there as if they had been doing so for years.