15 Saturday Afternoon - Walk it Out
Caroline was at first too preoccupied with her thoughts and emotions to notice the wind. Starting down the path from Kate's front door, she had picked up speed as she turned onto the sidewalk, automatically heading in the same direction as the wind, no destination in mind. The fresh air felt good in her lungs. Head down, wind at her back, thoughts racing through her mind. She saw no one she passed that day on Kate's street. Not even Mr. Field, who, realizing that he had been ignored, finally turned to look after this stunning blond woman in her winter coat.
Trying to race past images of Kate in a white sheeted bed with Greg, Caroline's stride never let up. Dear God, why had she asked? Why had Kate told her? No, no, no. Keep walking, keep walking. Caroline's long legs carrying her at pace down the tree lined street quickly brought her within sight and sound of the main thoroughfare. Not wanting to put herself into the bustle of a holiday crowd, Caroline turned into the next neighborhood street that she came upon. Now the wind hit the left side of her face sharply. Pulling the smart faux fur hat down further on that side and her scarf as far up as she could to meet it, Caroline kept up the pace. In her current state she would have been unable to stop even if there had been a place to get out of the wind.
Physically, Caroline was in better shape than she'd been for some time. During the summer break she had begun a walking program. It was something to do. As an added benefit she found that it did help her state of mind somewhat and allowed her to fall asleep a little easier at night. When the term began she hadn't had as much time for walking but managed to get in a few sesions each week. This stamina was to her advantage today.
Eventually even this endurance deserted her in the biting wind. Spotting a neighborhood cafe, Caroline went in, grateful for the warmth and a respite from the wind. As the young waiter came to her table she realized how hungry she was and ordered soup and a sandwich with her tea. Hearing the tone which signaled a text from her youngest, Caroline pulled the phone from her pocket to find a triumphant message telling her that the rugby team had won two matches today and that Laurence had scored a tri in each. She responded with a note of congratulations and motherly pride, smiling to know that he was having such a good trip. It occurred to her that she should send a text to Kate. She might be napping, but she might be worrying. Caroline opted to send the message. Told Kate she was having a sandwich and would be back before dark.
Her meal tasted wonderful, the soup and hot tea had the desired warming effect. Reflecting more calmly now on the morning Caroline tried her best to be fair to Kate. She hadn't wanted to give the details of her encounter with Greg. She herself had forced it out of her, thinking that if she knew she could deal with it.
Well, now she knew. How was she going to deal with it? She wasn't sure. When John had been unfaithful to her she had been upset but somehow this was different. How was it different? She knew now that even at the time of John's admission to his affair, she hadn't really been in love with him for a long time. It was more the public humiliation that had rankled. That and the fact that she felt she had deserved better from him. To have asked for a divorce would have been bad enough but to have him run off with the pathetic Judith had been beyond the pale. And sure enough it wasn't long before everyone knew. She had eventually come to terms with this largely since she came to realize that because John was so naturally sloppy in his thinking and increasingly more of a drunk, that the things that outraged her were usually done for purely selfish reasons of his own, not particularly aimed at her. She was just collateral damage.
Through all of this, Kate had listened to everything Caroline had told her of these situations. Invited her confidences as a way to get close to her. Kate had come to know her so well. Caroline sometimes thought Kate knew her better than she knew herself. She had been a sponge soaking up everything she could learn about Caroline, everything Caroline had been willing or able to share. Kate was so perceptive and attentive; she had missed nothing in her study of Caroline. Reading between the lines and reflecting Caroline back to herself in a way that helped her gain self-awareness. Then, unbelievably, she had knowingly, deliberately betrayed everything she knew Caroline held in esteem. The betrayal of this intimacy was as painful as Kate having sex with Greg, two sides of the same coin.
Having discharged some of the energy, which had coursed through her earlier, Caroline tried to come to terms with what had happened between Kate and Greg. Even the things that she had known in her head for all of these months, like the only too obvious fact that Kate had indeed had sex with Greg were somehow borne in upon her bodily now. There was a leaden weight in her chest. How to dislodge it? How did they go on from here? Could there be a 'they'?" How was she going to get past this?
How was she to find a way forward with these images in her brain? She had asked for it. Made Kate tell her. Her innate sense of fairness would not let her duck responsibility for demanding these details. But Kate had done it. Been willing to dump Caroline, have sex with someone she didn't even really like to have a chance for a baby. Kate had been willing to sacrifice the amazing love and passion they felt for one another to try for a baby.
Could she, Caroline, ever picture herself this desperate for a child? No. But then, she had two perfect, healthy sons didn't she? She had never been through what Kate had been through. No matter what happened between her and John, she knew that she would always have the love of her boys. Kate hadn't had that. Not ever. She had been alone in a way that Caroline hadn't been alone since she was in her early twenties. Sure Kate had her Mum, and her Dad was still here, but barely. One day they would both be gone and Kate would be alone. Well, she wouldn't have been alone though would she? She'd have had Caroline, wouldn't she? Would she? Really?
Remembering those days, Caroline had to be honest, with all the turmoil in her home, had she really been there for Kate? The truth, she knew, is that she really hadn't offered Kate much security. Sure, she had told her she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. And she did, but that had been tossed off in the context of another subject, keeping the house, not in a time and place and in a way that would offer a woman security. Caroline knew she hadn't really been present for Kate. There were simply too many balls in the air at any given moment and she had taken for granted Kate's patience, her devotion, her serenity. Taken for granted Kate's ability to be a calming influence on her. Taking, taking, taking. Never giving back. Her own selfishness had fed this need for a child, a family of her own in Kate. What a bitch she had been. Instead of Kate's sharing with Caroline her desire for a baby being an impetus for them to talk and get to know one another better, she had been dismissive and once again made Kate feel like she wasn't important to her.
She had used Kate to drive John out of the house instead of dealing with him long before that as she ought to have done. If she was honest with herself, she should have waited to take up with Kate until she had her marriage sorted. It wasn't fair to either of them to have begun a new relationship in the midst of so much chaos. The chaos had been inside of her as well as in the household.
She knew better than to have let things happen as they had. She should have been stronger, wiser for both of them, for all of them. She, Caroline had let them all down. It was so clear now. Well, she had known that all along hadn't she? Just hadn't been willing to admit it. Now there was a chance to make it right. Kate was willing to give her another chance after all this clumsy fumbling. Well, maybe. After the way she had just left would Kate still give her another chance? Had she blown it again? Dear God, please help me get this right.
Before she went back she had to deal with this matter of Greg having sex with Kate. Could she really put that behind her? Put it out of her mind to continue a sexual relationship with Kate? The thought that he had brought Kate to orgasm, had been privileged to hear the sounds she would have made then, felt the contractions of her body... Caroline went rigid against the back of the booth, her breath coming in short gasps. Dear God. That is where she should not go. Could not go, ever again if she was really going back to make this work with Kate. Could she do that? She knew that she had to put it behind her, forget it in any context except that Greg had played a role in the conception of the child she already loved. The baby she had seen on the monitor, the tiny heart she had seen beating. The little limbs she played tag with whenever she could get near Kate's stomach. The kicking that commenced whenever they squeezed her between them too hard. That is what she had to think of, this new life that would soon be with them in person.
Thinking of the baby lightened the load on her heart. She wanted this baby now as much as she had ever wanted William or Laurence. It wasn't growing in her body this time but she wanted it fiercely. Life with out Kate and this child was unthinkable. She resolved to do whatever it cost her to make it work this time.
Could she really forgive Kate? Yet, amazingly, some part of her already had, she realized. Caroline had felt the impact of Kate's breach of trust from the day it happened. Still there had been something in her that allowed her to go to Kate to ask for another chance as if the fault had been hers alone. That same something which had carried her down the staircase at Sulgrave Heath and on to St. Margaret's, at pace, to find Kate and make sure that she was alright and if there was anything that she could do for her. The same something that had allowed her to take up Kate's challenge to dance at the wedding, in front of virtually everyone she knew. What was it? What was this indefinable something?
All at once Caroline sat bolt upright as the realization of the fact that her love for Kate overrode everything. Her love for Kate contained that quality of unconditional love that her love for her sons contained. What could her boys ever do which would cause her to stop loving them? Nothing. Simply nothing. Her love for Kate was so profound, that nothing Kate did would ever put her outside the reach of Caroline's love.
Running through her mind for a long time had been the thought of how out of character this act of Kate's had been. Now she went back to when she had first known Kate. Even in that long ago first interview she remembered noting the refreshing candidness of the applicant before her. As a teacher at Sulgrave Heath, Caroline could not recall Kate ever having dealt with any person or situation in anything other than a straightforward manner. She was one of the most respected teacher's in the school, trusted and admired by faculty, staff and students alike. Unfailingly kind, Kate was nevertheless honest and forthright when counseling students or with colleagues who asked her opinion or advice.
Caroline had experienced this first hand with Kate professionally and in their personal life. She had found a disarming directness which often set her back in surprise but which had been administered so delicately that Caroline was always charmed by it. She now realized that her instinctive trust of Kate was also based on years of experience. This was why she had been able to continue to love Kate and why the attraction to her had not dimmed, why she had been able to go to Kate and apologize. Wanted Kate so madly that it consumed her life.
Reflecting upon this, there was no choice but to take Kate's story of her desperation to have a baby at face value. The woman did not lie. Well, except for not telling the whole story of her pregnancies and their complications, but that was her own fault as much as Kate's. Realistically, when had there ever really been the time for them to talk?
The only time Caroline had ever known Kate to be unkind was that morning at the breakfast table in the hotel when she deliberately, coldly said what she had about their relationship never having started and the shocking news that she intended to go to bed with Greg no matter what Caroline thought and had ended their relationship with a suddenness and finality that had rendered Caroline speechless. Even this had been Kate's honest expression of her feelings and she had been forthright if not kind.
Still not fully understanding what drove Kate to allow her to behave this way but having to accept it as the only plausible explanation, a sense of quiet settled over Caroline.
Suddenly exhausted Caroline focused her attention on the scene outside the window she had been staring at for the last hour. Snow was falling, had been falling for a while now by the look of things. Dark was coming on early today due to the storm. Caroline pulled out her phone and called the local taxi service number stored there. Rising stiffly, she found the loo, and then went to the window to await the cab.