16 Saturday Evening - Forgiveness
Walking carefully up the slippery path to Kate's door Caroline rang the bell, not wanting to startle her by trying the door. After the morning that they'd had she wasn't entirely sure of her welcome. Kate might just as soon she went back to Conway Drive tonight. Before she had time for more than this the door was opened wide and Kate was pulling her in out of the snow. "Caroline" was all she said but it had that note only Kate could put into her name, a warm tone that always sent a thrill through her.
Taking the coat as Caroline shrugged out of it, Kate shook the snow onto the rug in front of the door. Caroline removed her hat and did the same, meeting Kate at the coat rack where they each hung an item. Unexpectedly very close, they stood their ground. Tired blue eyes met soft brown ones. For once neither could accurately read the other. Kate, slowly, tentatively, put a finger to Caroline's face pushing aside a lock of hair that had settled on her cheek. Seeing the wan smile and pleased that she had been permitted this small gesture, Kate, taller in slippers than Caroline in her low heeled boots, lowered her forehead to Caroline's. Lingering, loathe to part but with too much remaining between them yet to kiss, they cherished this moment of reconnection.
To Caroline it all felt like homecoming. It crossed her mind to wonder again how this could feel so right in light of what had happened between them and all that they had been through that morning. Too tired to think about it anymore and having vowed to herself not to think about it for a while, Caroline allowed Kate to take her fingers and pull her into the fragrant kitchen. "I've made a vegetable lasagna, it's in the oven. It will be ready in an hour."
Caroline, shy now in Kate's presense, asked hesitantly, still not quite sure of her welcome, if Kate would mind if she showered first.
Smiling reassuringly, "No, of course, take your time. I'll just turn the oven down if your not back yet. It won't matter." Seeing that Caroline hadn't moved, Kate said gently, "Go ahead."
Smiling wanly once again, Caroline turned and started for the stairs with the glass of wine Kate had poured for her. She'd stopped drinking last summer once John had actually left the house. Drinking alone had seemed like a slippery slope in the mental state she had been in at the time. Now, being with Kate again, it hadn't come up because as an expectant mother, Kate wasn't drinking either. Tonight, she was grateful for the comfort the wine brought. Touched by the thoughtfulness of Kate's knowing this would be what she needed just now.
The hot water running down her neck and shoulders, combined with the effect of the wine to reduce the tension in her body. Kate's welcome had reduced the tension in her soul. Caroline put her mind on pause and got ready for dinner. Reapplying only a little mascara and some eye shadow, a look she knew Kate liked on her, Caroline pulled out some loose fitting, comfortable clothing of her own to match Kate's at-home attire.
Quietly eating their meal in the softly lighted dining room, curtains drawn, candles glowing, the two women were surprised to find themselves able to talking about the minutia of the day. This was something they had missed during their time apart. Caroline shared the news of Laurence's triumphs on the rugby pitch and the later text from William to tell her the time his train would arrive tomorrow afternoon, as well as the text from her Mum to let her know that the trio had arrived safely at the farm. She'd received a call from the estate agent as she had sat down to her lunch to say that they could show the house on Conway Road twice today if it was OK with Caroline. One couple had looked at the house just before Christmas and the other family were seeing it for the first time. Kate had received a call from her Mum thanking them both for the lovely dinner the night before.
They relaxed a little more as the meal progressed, seeing that they could find a way forward after the firestorm of the morning. Shyly, they stole glances at one another, gradually, bashfully they grew bolder and by the end of the meal, were able once again to meet the other's eyes naturally.
It didn't take long to clean the kitchen as Kate had done up everything except the tableware while Caroline was showering. This done, they found themselves once more on an end of the sofa. Kate leaned forward now, toward Caroline, meeting her eyes. Eyes so blue in this light that Kate was transfixed for a long moment. The need to swallow the water filling her mouth brought Kate back to the present and she said softly, "While you were away this afternoon, I realized that I have told you about what happened but I didn't apologize to you." Looking down briefly, then back into the blue, blue eyes, Kate could read in Caroline's expression the fact that this had not escaped her notice. I'm sorry for that."
Looking down at her distended belly, placing a hand on either side of it, Kate said just a shade defiantly, "I can't be sorry to have her." Then looking up into Caroline's face, defiance gone, sincerity in her voice, "But I am sorry for the things I did to you in order to get her." Seeing Caroline's silent nod of acceptance, Kate said "I'm sorry about the way I went about getting her. It wasn't right on so many levels. It wasn't right to disregard you and your feelings on the matter. It wasn't really fair to Greg. And it affected me in ways I hadn't considered." Pausing, holding Caroline's gaze Kate admitted, "It wasn't just sex. I'm not proud of how I handled this." Looking down, "It... rocked me. It just felt so wrong." Back up at Caroline, "Wrong for everyone involved. I am sorry."
Caroline took Kate's hands, scanning the face and eyes of this woman that she loved with an unreasonable love. She could only nod mutely, her throat constricted. Barely able to stand what Kate was putting herself through, she knew that Kate needed to say these things and that she needed to hear them in order to make things really right between them. She had to let her go on until she had said all she had to say, no matter how hard it was for either of them. Her fingers moving on Kate's hands Caroline's heart was in her eyes.
Seeing Caroline's state, Kate needed a moment too and looked down at the hands that held her own. For a time she just looked at these two sets of hands, her own long fingers, agile from playing the piano, golden brown in the light of the lamp, holding the light skinned hands, strong and ever so slightly tanned yet from a summer and fall working in the garden. Manicured hands peppered with the freckles Kate found so enchanting wherever she found them, and smiling to herself at the thought, she had found them everywhere. Her fingers still moving on Caroline's hands, Kate looked up to find Caroline's gaze had followed hers and was also watching the movement of their hands on one another. Fingers that had been unconsciously entwining, stroking, clasping, reaping comfort from the feel of skin on skin now, seemingly of their own volition, deliberately caressed, touches firming, provoking response. Finally, Caroline on a sharp intake of breath closed her eyes as she grasped one of Kate's hands in each of her own, stilling them. Kate, smiling raised them to her lips and sweetly kissed the back of each set of fingers before allowing them to rest between them again.
Eyes meeting once more, Kate went on sincerely, "Caroline, I am sorry. Sorry that I didn't trust you enough to talk through with you the decision to have a baby. Sorry that I rushed it. Rushed on without you. I'm sorry we didn't talk about everything more." Seeing the look that told her Caroline was about to take that on herself as it had been her family which had taken up so much of their time, Kate laid a finger on downturned lips saying quickly, "no, I was an adult, I could have insisted, slowed everything down, made us take the time we should have taken to talk. About everything, not just the baby."
Looking again at the hands on the cushion between them, "I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me." Moving remorseful dark eyes to meet gently receptive soft blue ones. "I don't know if you'll ever be able to trust me again. If it helps, I don't think it would happen again. I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of this. It seems to me now as if it were a perfect storm of events and circumstances that allowed me to betray… us." With liquid brown eyes as earnest as Caroline had ever seen them, "I'm sorry for breaking your trust. I'm sorry for not trusting you." Eyes welling up now, "I'm sorry for lying to you and hurting you with the things I said about us, making light of what was - is so beautiful between us." Uncertain eyes seeking Caroline's as she swallowed back emotion.
Caroline, unable to contain herself longer put her arms around the trembling shoulders and moved in to hold Kate close. "Shhhhh. Shhh. It's alright now, it's alright." Realizing the truth in the words she had just said automatically, Caroline froze. Then, squeezing Kate tighter for a moment, took her by the shoulders and pushed her back so she could see her eyes and said with conviction. "Kate. It is all right. I do forgive you.
"The question is whether you can forgive me? For all that I got wrong. I've been so selfish. I should have dealt with John before I let us get as serious as we did. It wasn't fair to you. I should have asked if you would wait for me to get a divorce and take care of the boys so that I could have devoted myself to you as I wanted to do. All of that was my responsibility, instead I embroiled you in it all, used you for my own ends. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I am so very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" Seeing Kate's watery smile, Caroline went on gravely, embarrassed, "Can you forgive me for this morning? I know I was awful."
Kate's fingers tenderly touched Caroline's cheek, wiping away a tear she hadn't known she'd shed, "Course. Of course," as they embraced again.
Caroline went for the box of tissues and they blotted one another's cheeks as well as their own, with little laughs and endearments, not for the first time in their tumultuous relationship. Once they had calmed a little, each taken a turn in the loo and resumed their seats with cups of tea in hand, Caroline asked Kate if she was very tired or if she was willing to answer a question? Kate, as willing as Caroline to get everything out in the open gave her assent.
"I meant what I said," Caroline assured her, "I do forgive you." Needing the reassurance, "We've forgiven each other?" At Kate's smiling nod, "Its just, I wonder if you would mind saying more about the perfect storm? I think it might help me understand. It might help us both to keep such a thing from happening. In future."
Kate had known that Caroline wasn't finished processing all that had transpired today. Come to that, neither had she. Kate moved her gaze over Caroline's shoulder, not really seeing anything, just thinking how to begin. Finally, meeting the waiting eyes of this woman who meant everything to her. "Caroline, this could easily get convoluted. The only way I can think to tell it so that it might make sense to you is to start chronologically. It might get long, is that OK?"
With loving eyes, Caroline said, "I want to hear anything you have to tell me." Then, with concern, "if you get too tired, you only need to say and we can stop for tonight." Marveling a little, she said softly, "We still have the morning to ourselves."
Kate agreed, smiling, "I had a bit of a nap this afternoon," she added sheepishly.
Caroline's heartfelt "I'm glad" came quickly. She realized how much the morning must have taken out of Kate. Settling herself, she waited for Kate to begin.
"After I lost the last baby with Richard and began to recover , thanks to HRT, and the patience of Richard and my Mum, Richard and I were never quite the same together. Something vital was missing. We went through the motions for another year or so but eventually we realized that it was over. It was a mutual decision. No recriminations. We settled everything amicably but it was still… very hard. It felt like another death.
When the house sold, I bought this place. I went on teaching. That was hard too. Everyone was kind but they all knew about the babies, about Richard. The daily pity was hard to take. It was time for a change. Then I saw there was an opening at Sulgrave Heath. I'd been hearing good things about the changes taking place there." Smiling sweetly at Caroline, "now I know who was responsible for that."
Caroline, ducking her head modestly and holding up a hand in protest, "A team effort, we all work hard for the school."
Kate, clearly of a different opinion, simply continued, her smiling eyes on Caroline, "That's when I met you." Stopping to remember, Kate said, "Something clicked inside me that day. For the first time since… someone interested me." Caroline didn't know how to respond to this, so she just smiled her love.
"Sulgrave was very different from my old school. I found a lightness, a sense of camaraderie, everyone working together, willing to work hard for the good of the students and the school. Hard to describe but I was very glad to be there."
Then a shadow overtook her face. "It was the one bright spot in my life just then. Dad was getting worse. It was becoming too much for Mum to keep him at home. We started investigating the options, looking for somewhere we felt we could leave him." Looking up, Kate saw that Caroline understood their dilemma. Remembered that she and Celia had been through similar circumstances. Caroline put down her mug and took Kate's hand. Letting her continue at her own pace.
That is another thing that had made losing the last baby so hard. By then Dad was… swallowing hard, "not himself. I needed him so badly. Mum and I have always been close, I love her dearly. But Dad. Dad was so much fun. He taught me to play the piano, did I ever tell you? He never reprimanded, we laughed over mistakes and went on. The piano is all joy to me because of him. He made it fun." Once again tears slid down smooth brown cheeks.
Caroline leaned in to pull the dark head to her shoulder, but Kate choking back tears, put a hand on Caroline's sleeve to hold her off, saying, "Its OK, sorry." Hastily rubbing away tears Kate continued, "Dad. He'd always had a way of reaching me, even in the darkest moments. He could jolly me along when no one else could." Her voice barely above a whisper now, "Without him the last time was the hardest.
Richard finally refused to try again for a baby, he said he wouldn't risk me." A wan regretful upturn of lips, "In the end that is what did us in. Seeing by the look on Caroline's face that she did understand and was sympathetic to all that Kate and Richard and their families had gone through.
Caroline said gently, "Is this too much for you? Do you want to go on?"
Kate realized that she wanted Caroline to know these things about her and nodded. On a deep breath, "So throwing myself into teaching at Sulgrave is what kept me going." Then mischievously, "Sulgrave and you."
At this Caroline pulled her chin down, conveying her doubt by once again looking over imaginary glasses. "We barely spoke in those days."
For the first time today, Kate's eyes crinkled at the corners as she shared her memories of that time. "True, but just seeing you striding down the corridor could brighten my day somehow. I loved assemblies and faculty meetings because I could watch you, hear your voice, admire the way you were always so well put together." Amused at Caroline's embarrassment, Kate went on, " I found myself looking for you. Listening for the distinctive tapping of your heels in the corridor." Then, ruefully, "I had to learn to be careful. More than once my attention to a conversation wandered when I caught sight of you rounding a corner or saw you across the playing fields and I would get a strange look."
Sobering, "then last winter, I saw the change in you. The sadness. I realized you didn't really have any friends, not at school anyway. You looked... so alone in your unhappiness. I couldn't help reaching out to you. I was a little surprised when you seemed glad to see me if I came up to talk to you. It took such a long time, so many small tentative exchanges before it seemed like you might consider it natural for me to invite you for a cup of tea. A long time to work up the courage to ask Dr. Elliot to tea that afternoon." Remembering, Kate stopped.
"I was glad when you did. A little surprised but glad. I didn't socialize with anyone really." Reflecting, "I guess I hadn't socialized at all for a long time. John and I had been traveling more and more in different circles. I didn't like most of his friends, he didn't like mine. The more he drank the more treacherous it became to go out together, finally, we didn't anymore. I was working hard after I took the position at Sulgrave, with the boys and the house, my mother; there just wasn't time for keeping up with friends and gradually, they fell away." Coming out of her reverie, Caroline embarrassed again, apologized, "Sorry. Sorry, this was about you." Sincerely, "Please go on."
Smiling, "Wonder of wonders, you came to tea with me. And even more amazingly, it became a regular Friday thing. Yes, I know we talked a lot about John and all of that but sometimes I got you to laugh and that felt like such an accomplishment. Before I knew it, I was smitten with you." With her gaze on Caroline's face Kate's voice softened involuntarily, "Everything about you enchanted me. Your looks, your voice, the way you move, your hair, the expressions that cross your face revealing so much more of what you think than your words ever do." Then cheekily, "You in a tight skirt and heels, walking. Anywhere."
Caroline rolled her eyes and looking at the ceiling ordered, "Go on."
Kate, still smiling broadly at Caroline's discomfort, thinking ahead to what she would say next began to sober again. "So while you may have seen a confident teacher, in my personal life I was still in many ways dealing with the effects of losing the babies, Richard, my marriage and now my Dad." Looking into Caroline's face. "There was a lot of grieving going on inside me. I needed a friend too."
Caroline was stricken. "I was so selfish. I never knew. I never even asked." Thinking back, "Even after that day in the garden when you tried to get me to see you, all I could talk about was myself again." The pain settled into Caroline's face, her mouth turned down once more. Overcome, she whispered, "Oh God, Kate, I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry. I… What an arse I am. Totally. Completely." Shaking her head in sorrow, saying in an agonized voice, "Kate."
Kate dismayed at the effect this had had on Caroline, took her face into her hands saying hurriedly, "Caroline, I didn't say any of this to make a point or to make you feel bad. It was only to put my state of mind into perspective. I'm sorry, I wasn't…"
Caroline cut her off, "No. No, I understand. You are right to tell me." A grim look on her face shaking her head in acknowledgement of this truth about herself, "I needed to hear that." Taking Kate's hands into her own again, "Kate, I am so sorry for all of my selfishness. I'm beginning to see so much now. I can't believe how much I took you for granted. Your kindness, your good nature, your willingness always to be there for me when you were going through so much yourself. I can't stand it. What a shit I've been."
Unable to remain seated Caroline got up and walked across the room. Turning she said to Kate, "How could you stand me? I can't believe you ever took up with me in the first place." Pacing again for the long moment that Kate gave her. Caroline stopped at the sofa, sitting close to Kate, she put the back of her hand to Kate's cheek. "So this fragile state is where you were emotionally when you sat at the dinner table, in front of my family, hearing the ugly things my mother said? When you so graciously let my Mum talk you into coming back to me?" Continuing with these realizations as statements, not questions. When I asked you to move in with me to make John uncomfortable. When Laurence and John were unkind to you." Shaking her head in horror at herself, "when we started talking so soon about houses and babies." Anguished, "Oh Kate."
Tortured at the recognition that she had driven Kate to such desperation, Caroline was on her feet again, on the move. It was her selfishness that had brought them to this place. Her selfishness that had given them six months of suffering, lost them six months together, lost her six months of Kate's pregnancy.
Caroline stopped, not far from Kate but still standing. "Kate, I don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem like enough."
Kate came to stand in front of Caroline, leaning against her. Speaking gently, "Caroline, we've both said that word a lot tonight. Maybe this is enough." Raising fingers to Caroline's cheek, "Can we just say that we've forgiven each other?"
The muscles in Caroline's face and neck were working to control her emotions, once again, in this day which had been so full of emotion for both of them. She nodded, unable to speak and laid a wet cheek against Kate's.
Kate whispered "Caroline", lips so close to her ear that a current ran through Caroline. A jagged sigh escaped. Tipping her head back, still cheek to cheek with the taller woman, Caroline breathed, "Kate." The two stood for a long moment, treasuring this renewal of intimacy.
Kate pulled back first, ever so slightly to look into Caroline's eyes. "Caroline, there is just one more thing to say. It won't be enough to forgive one another, we're going to need to forgive ourselves."
Caroline considering this, nodded. "You're right of course." Earnest blue eyes, "I'll try if you will."
Kate seeing the willingness in Caroline's eyes, agreed, "Yes." These promises made, they remained, transfixed, each unwilling to break the moment. They stood fully engrossed in one another. Reveling in the miracle of truly relaxing into one another for the first time in such a long time. Lips raining feather-light kisses on eyes, chins, noses, foreheads, breathing whispers into one another's ear, fingers smoothing back hair, tracing down throats, they held one another until, exhausted by the tensions of the day, they made their way upstairs.