Chapter 8:

Silence was poison to me. I hated stillness. It meant that at any moment something could come in and disrupt. Peace is never permanent, not in this world. Every time I thought I was happy and that I could dwell in the silence something came and smacked me on my face.

You've got that waiting in the dark silence. That "sh, don't worry baby silence". That funeral silence when they release the body into the ground. The waiting to exhale silence. The silence that sits in between awkward stares and avoiding faces. But this silence was a silence all brand new to me and I hated it just as much.

The deafening silence between you and your husband at the therapists' office. The idea of there being an expert on my dying marriage, other than myself had me skeptical but people said she was the best. Aang's jaw was clenched from the moment we entered the room together. His passiveness made my anger fester and bubble over like a pot left on the stove too long. I was ready to unleash my unbridled rage on him ten-fold if it wasn't for the therapist making us do exercises.

To make it worse I had received a text from Zuko wishing me good luck in the session. Even my lover was rooting for my marriage. Too bad I wasn't.

Dr. June was young and attractive. She had long raven hair, gold eyes, and had a curvy physique which was noticeable even in her modest business suit. No wonder she was so successful. Husbands liked looking at her and wives wanted to look like her.

"Now that we've been through some exercises. You both took a pre-interview assessment. I have the results." June looked over at us over her thick brimmed glasses. "It indicates that your marriage is in distress. You disagree on a wide range of things. From how much time you'd like to spend together, to how often sex should happen, to handling friends, and having disagreements. What did you learn about your marriage from taking these assessments?"

I figured I'd answer since Aang was basically mute most of the session.

"We obviously disagree about a lot of things and I feel that my husband often is blind to the things going on in our marriage." I shot the rudest glare I could at him. Of course he was clueless. He was never home to even be involved in our marriage.

"That's not true. You're just always upset. Every time I come home you're yelling at me over something stupid."

June interjected, "The way you're explaining your issues is not beneficial Aang. Katara just gave you a clear cut issue and you ignore it. It is important to validate your wife's truth, even if you don't agree with it. Instead of blaming and criticizing try to say 'What I hear you saying is…' then go from there. Show you understand her feelings, even if they aren't your own."

"What I hear you saying is that you feel that I am oblivious to some of the issues in our marriage. Because I am not home all the time our communication is lacking and I'm sorry for that."

I accept his apology, not because I want to but because if I don't we won't get anywhere. "I accept your apology but there's more than communication lacking in our marriage."

Dr. June says, "I agree. There is a big ticket issue that can affect all marriages that you both vastly differ on. In the desire to have children aspect Aang put a 10 and Katara, you put a 0. Aang do you have something you want to tell your wife?"

Aang looked shocked. His grey eyes indicated pain. "I want another child with you Katara. We have beautiful kids and you are such an amazing mother. I want to make something beautiful with you again."

I reminded myself that I was more than just a mother, thanks to Zuko. Sure, it was something I prided but I needed more. I wanted more for myself.

It was going to break his heart but it needed to be said, "I do not want any more children Aang. I had the twins when I was 25 and it destroyed my body. I don't want to bring a baby into this world and have it not be in a loving home. Besides, we don't even have sex anymore so how are we supposed to make a baby?"

"I, I thought since we lost the baby you'd want another baby. I am still devastated."

I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. I was excited and starting to show. He started looking at baby clothes and picking names out. I wanted the baby so bad. It was a surprise, but it was a child made with love between me and my husband.

We were going to start telling people about the pregnancy. Then one night I started bleeding heavily and it felt like my body was being ripped apart from the inside out. I rushed to the hospital and I got told I was having a miscarriage. May 16, 2013. The day I'll never forget. I lost my baby and a part of myself all in the process.

Maybe it was God foreshadowing what was to come.

"Aang, a baby won't fix this."

I see the tears roll down Aang's face and wet his beard. God, I was a horrible person. Was it so wrong to not want another baby with the man I was supposed to love? I didn't want to take the chance again to lose another one. My heart would never be able to take it and I damn sure didn't want to raise a newborn and two toddlers basically by myself.

Was it okay to be selfish this time? Was it okay to deprive him of something he truly wanted? Was it acceptable to not want to bring a child into our barely holding on marriage?

"It sounds like both of you are extremely avoidant of intimacy due to the loss of a child. You need to mourn together and talk about what that child meant to both of you. The absence of the baby is obviously present in your marriage from the sexual complaints to the disagreement of wanting more kids. You need to talk about it and not avoid."

Aang was bawling, "I tried to talk about it. I tried to support her but she didn't want to talk about it."

I never learned to cry with style, silently, the pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes, leaving no smears or streaks. I wished I had; then I could have done it in front of people, instead of in bathrooms, in darkened movie theatres, shrubberies and empty bedrooms, among the party coats on the bed. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Why would I want to talk about MY body destroying OUR baby?"

I blamed myself for that loss every day. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to be reminded of it and I definitely didn't want to talk about.

He was crying hysterically and I just wanted to hide my tears in the bathroom. This is why I hated silence. I always used to cry in silence.

June breaks the silence after letting it go on for a few more painful minutes. "I get that losing a baby is sore subject, especially for you Katara. It has deeply damaged your intimacy. When you two were crying, neither one of you reached over to touch each other for comfort. Not even to hold a hand. I'm wondering if this pattern of no intimacy is leaking into your sexual life as well."

I dry my tears and wait for Aang to pull himself together.

I start off a little shaky, "W, we do not have s, sex. He doesn't touch me, doesn't make me feel beautiful, or desired anymore. I feel like I'm just there to serve him and not get pleasure myself."

Aang attempts to reassure me. "You know you're gorgeous. I believe that sex isn't necessary for a great marriage or relationship."

My eyes could've flown out of my head.

"How often would you like to have sex?" June gestures to me.

I answer. "Three times a week."

"And you Aang?"

He answers. "Three times a week? That is extreme. I'm fine with holidays and special occasions."

I get pissed. That's ridiculous. "So basically THREE times a year? Jesus, do you know how sexually frustrated I am all the time? It drives me crazy."

Aang rolls his eyes and says a small jab. "I'm just not as sex crazy as you."

That was fucking it. I was done. "Well that explains why I never orgasm. If you aren't getting it from me then who are you sleeping with? Who at your job are you fucking instead of me huh? I'm not fucking good enough for you to want me!''

Aang gets loud. There's bass in his voice now. I had struck a nerve and I was satisfied. "I am NOT cheating on you and you know that."

"Libido seems to be an issue here. Many couples face it. Aang has already reached his sexual prime and seems to have a decreased libido in the first place. Katara is only 30 so her drive may be peaking a little early for a woman. I can give you both intimacy homework. I want you both to do some intimacy exercises." She pulls out a book and hands it to me. "This is called the Pleasure Principle, it gives exercises you can perform with your partner. It is divided into sections of non-sexual related or intimacy exercises and the second section had sexual exercises. I want you to focus on the non-sexual exercises for one week then we can check on in your progress."

Aang looked over at me and said, "I'll do whatever it takes Dr. June."

"Great! A balance of non-sexual and sexual acts would be good for you both then maybe Katara will be more satisfied and achieve an orgasm. Do things like cuddling, going on walks, or treating each other to a special present. Even a date night would suffice. Please remember, talking counts as intimacy as well. I believe it would be extremely beneficial for you to talk to each other every day for about an hour, even if it's about a TV show or your days. Well I believe our session was successful. Do you have any more concerns before we wrap up Katara?"

I shook my head.

"Good. This session is over. Katara, can I speak with you for a moment?"

Aang quickly left me and Dr. June alone.

"I just want to make sure you're being honest with me and honest with your husband. It felt like you were extremely upset when you accused him of cheating. Was there infidelity in the past?"

"No, I was just angry. We all say things we don't mean when we're mad."

"Well that type of anger doesn't come from nowhere."

"What are you implying?"

"I know displacement and projection when I see it. If you're having an affair you should tell your husband if you want to move forward. A marriage cannot be built on deceit and lies, Katara."

I shot the fakest smile I possibly could. "Thanks for your concern but I'm not cheating on my husband. I appreciate you taking your time to help us. I feel more hopeful already."

"Bitch." I muttered under my breath as I left the room. How dare she call me out like that? It was like she was condemning me for cheating. If it was the other way around there would be no outrage if Aang cheated. I had things under control. I hadn't gone all the way with Zuko. That enough for me to reassure myself that I wasn't having a full blown affair.

I deserved to be selfish. I deserved to have my needs met. I deserved more than what I was being given.

I had taken the day off for the session and of course Aang went straight back to work after it was said I done. The kids were at school and I found myself home alone and my thoughts wondered to Zuko.

Zuko was all passion. He and Aang were one extreme and the other. Zuko was passionately angry, passionately happy, or inconsolably sad. Being with him would be promises of being on a rollercoaster ride, never knowing which track I would be on with him. All I wanted to do was strap in and enjoy the ride. I wanted to ride him for all he could give me.

The things he did to my body Aang could never do. The fire he stirred up when we kissed or even just shared the same space was incomparable.

Speak of the devil Zuko was calling me. He was already breaking the rules. No calls or contact unless I was the one to initiate it. Lucky for him I enjoyed breaking the rules.

"Hello?" I try to say in my sultry, sexy voice.

"Hello." To my disappointment it wasn't the deep voice I craved to hear. It was female.

"Who are you and what are you doing with Zuko's phone?"

"This is Azula. His sister. You know, the one that saw your whole pair of tits the other day. Yea, that was me."

Fuck.

"I, I-

She cuts me off, "No need to apologize. Are you sleeping with my brother?"

"What?"

"Don't play stupid. Are you having sex with my brother?"

"He's just my boss Azula. Nothing ever happened between us."

"Lucky for you I don't believe you. Considering I saw every inch of your naked body yesterday he's already plunged deep in." Azula paused for a moment and cleared her throat. "You need to stop sleeping with him. He has a fiancé."

"Wait what?!"

Azula threatened me. "You heard me. He's engaged so stop opening your little whore legs to him. He has a fiancé at home to satisfy all his needs. Leave him alone or else."

He had a fiancé? He lied to me. That bastard lied to me. It was vexing in my soul. It was swelling in my veins waiting to explode. It was rushing the blood to my head.

I was shaking Haiti. I was Mount Vesuvius, lying dormant, to lay waste to Pompeii. I was the bomb to detonate in Hiroshima. I was rage.

Author's Note: Another chapter down. What do you all think?